The Great Fayose of China

Loud Whispers

I do not understand why people begrudge others. A man deciding to go visit his relations in far away China and while at it, stops by the nearest Train Station or was it motor park to address the citizens on the need to have three square meals and not walk around naked is today being vilified. Last I checked it was a free country and this person in question was ‘freely’ given a mandate by the good people of Ekiti to represent and govern them. This mandate did not limit the holder to the territorial space today known as Ekiti, but also extended to all the the train stations and motor parks all over the world especially those in China. So in exercising his mandate, my brother with his co sojourners put on their very best Jeans and headed to China. Now my issue is with the amebos’ who will not mind their business who do not see anything right in my brother, condemning  and criticizing his every step even this one that was sanctioned by the United Nations High Commission on Refugees.  I have analysed this particular issue very closely and as far as this one is concerned, Fayose did not do anything wrong. China is today our greatest trading partner and would be playing a vital role in who becomes the next Governor of Ekiti State hence this all important visit and speech. So my people as Olamide said, ‘leave matter for Lawma’ this was a perfect trip and as the elections come closer we will be seeing a lot more, becuase where I am seated, the Chinese voting public will be needed to secure another term if our Egbon is still qualified. We need the Chinese votes. Kai, only in Nigeria.

Where is Jimoh Ibrahim
I can’t help but ask this question. This particular mogul, the Donald Trump of Nigeria is missing in action and I am really sad especially during these hard times. We really miss his grandeur postulations on his fairy tale wealth and solutions to the many problems that continue to strangle us. I once met him in his beautiful,mansion tucked in the VGC Estate in Lagos. He was a perfect host as he ‘forced’ me to eat one black soup he was eating. The soup tasted like saw dust but na rich man give me, so I obediently swallowed it all the while proclaiming just how delicious the soup was. I miss him and he should please come out of his exile and excite us once again. Nigerians need him at this time.

Grazing Commission Bill
I am in full support of this Bill. Look it is the solution to my major problem which in itself is my inability to afford to buy Land in Lekki Phase 1 after almost 20 years of working in Lagos, two years of which I spent with Mr. Nyamali who woke up one day on the wrong side of his bed and decided he wasn’t enjoying seeing my ugly face every morning and sacked me. You see the Bill must be passed into law so that good commercial Land can be annexed for the herdsmen where they can graze their cattle without having to kill anybody. My people once the bill is passed, I will just run and go and buy five cows and become an Akwa Ibom herdsman. Immediately, I will move my cattle to Lekki Phase 1 off Admiralty Way, near Clara’s house and start grazing my cattle. The Government would have no choice but to give me the land so that I will not be forced to kill or maim anybody simple. So I cannot wait for the bill to be passed, my only prayer is that I hope the price of cows will not go up o. You know our people, once they decipher this idea now, the price of cow will now hit the roof and thwart all my plan. Why did I now talk now, me and my big mouth. National Assembly Oya o, ball is in your court.

In defence of Wizkid
The arrogance of it all is really absurd. I read Linda Ikejis statement on why she went to report to the Police the so called ‘threat’ Wizkid made during their childish tantrum. Her ‘holier than thou’ and self righteousness remains to me an acute symptom of ‘imbecilic idiotism’ Kai, this girl should not let me open dictionary for her o. She fired the first salvo, the fact that she has annointed herself our national blogger and as such we all have no right to complain when she deems it fit to assist us by putting us up on her holy grail. Wizkid was expected to call her and show gratitude for helping him expose his issues with his landlord and when he did not do just that and reacted the only way he knew how best to, she lost her cool. Salvos were fired from every every angle and in that kind of roforofo fight, there are no boundaries, mud from both sides were thrown. He called her names and she did the same. Both sides gave as best as they could and the whole country took sides. But today, she was the one who decided to go report to the police and did not even stop at that, when Wizkid showed the big man by apologising after realising that he should have respected this ‘lady’, she went to town to gloat giving us reasons why she went to the police like I care and capped it by boastfully saying that she refused to take picture with Wizkid. What is that, after all Don jazzy took picture with Olamide after their fight or is it because it was police that settled this one and not Dangote. Well, me I am really getting tired of the antics  of this Aunty and will stop going to her blog until she learns how to respect people especially those she ‘outs’ on her blog. As for Wizkid, I thought you were on a world tour na which time you come appear for police station, you sef na you dey cause some of these things at times.  You still have my support. Linda if you want to report me for this article, please not police o, I am afraid of Cell, you can report me to Dangote that will be a better option, Oya, I have just abused you, let’s go.

Panama Papers and Wale Tinubu
When the Oando result came out, I screamed o. They told me to shut up, so I shut my Calabar mouth what did I know. This Panama people have come o and the revelations are huge . I am still keeping my mouth shut and will not say anything o. I have not heard or read about his or anybody’s involvement. I am jeje minding my business at the fuel station waiting for my turn to buy fuel at black market price, this is really for oando’s shareholders and their dependants. Who am I, have I seen power in my house for the last two months to go and concern myself with Panama or whatever they have called it. Did they say 12 companies? A whole 12 companies’ na Sidon look I dey o. I have said nothing and will continue to cover my mouth until  I see fuel to buy.

Bukola Saraki: an Enigma
Every night I remember the Senate President in my prayers. He really needs a lot of it at this time. The forces amassed against him are enough to see him run into the Sambisa forest where I suspect he would be in safer hands than what he is seeing now. Daily the accusations mount, the Senators joining him on the free ride to Court are reducing daily and I really do not see how he will escape this one. I am sure in his lonely moments he would just be telling himself that he should have remained a senior Senator in the Chambers and all these would never have happened to him. But even he himself should have expected this kind of backlash after that magic he perpetrated to become the Senate President. These attacks are so heavy coming from all sides that one begins to wonder how he even sleeps at night. After Sambo Dasuki, I think he is the most persecuted Nigerian. But all is not lost, my advise is for him to broadcast nationally an apology to all those he has offended from the founding fathers of our Nation, those who helped us win Independence from the British, down to the present day Lords. Send emissaries to go and beg with a promise to always respect elders and listen to advise. Just maybe this ill wind will blow away. Me, I am very worried. If this fails, we can always visit Pastor Joshua at Synagogue after all if Presidents from other African Countries can come there to get prayers why can’t we try this solution. I really beg Egbon me, let’s give up and just say sorry and run before they catch us.

IBB very Ill?
I read this report with a tinge of sadness. The gap toothed General is said to be ill. Yea and I like him very much. I suspect that since he lost his exotic wife Maryam, something in him died. He lost his lustre and was not really the bubbly and handsome general we had all come to love and hate at the same time. Our favourite villain cannot just go like that. We should all rally round and pray for his ‘speedy recover’ becuase we still need him in this our country. Get well soon my Lord.

Loud whispers: no more free Tickets
The rate at which people are asking for free tickets, I would soon collaborate with the CBN to assist in publishing the names of these people so that the shame of those who are owing the Banks will catch them and make them go and buy the tickets for my Play with Alibaba which is coming up 1st May at the Muson centre. If I give everybody a free ticket just for asking, the aim of producing the play will be totally defeated. You may ask what is the aim, my people the aim is to pay school fees o. That is the truth. When I saw the bill last year, I collapsed in shock. The bill had gone up by 500% and my income due to the harsh economic climate had stagnated. So staring at my kids being kicked out of school I decided to produce this play. So all those who have been asking for free tickets should know that they are jeopardising my children’s future. Just go buy the tickets, na beg I dey beg. If you don’t have fuel to drive to Tera Kulture where you can get them, order online through Nigertickets, Ariya tickets or deal day. Better still call me, I will come and deliver them at your doorstep. Help me o.