Fuel Price Hike: My Stand

As I write , we are not sure if the strike called out by the NLC to protest the recent deregulation of the Oil sector will go along or not. You see the  hierarchy of the NLC live for this movement. This is their time in the sun and nothing not even a puny court order will stop them from hugging this their periodical time under the klieg lights. Oshiomhole who is now the Governor of Edo State glamourised this action. He loved the attention, he savoured it and it made his mojo really stand for him to be seen to hold the country for the duration of the period of the strike. Those days I used to suspect that they were not interested in the issues but we’re continually bemused by the fact that they could stand in front of the cameras in their starched and well worn khaki shorts, with their bowlegs and scraggy beards singing in very hoarse voices solidarity songs which led us to no where. Today my deep suspicions have been confirmed. These funny people really are not interested in the issues behind this current decisions but the tradition of calling a strike must be followed no matter what. Look to NLC I say, GO AND  SIT DOWN. Your gross lack of understanding of the issues is really annoying. For you its all about your wages and transport fares. The fact that revenues have dropped by over 50% as a result of the sharp fall in oil prices, leading to pressure on government expenditure, loss of jobs and its inability to continue to fund the hopelessly corrupt subsidy regime is too much for these dinosaurs to comprehend. They must jump into their ugly brown khakis, march down Yaba market and make all the unnecessary noises claiming to be fighting for the masses which in reality is just an exercise in Tom foolery especially in the face of imminent collapse of the economy. The fact that the vast majority of Nigerians have been buying the product at these prices forever is really not their business and that only in Lagos, Abuja and maybe Port Harcourt do people get fuel at official prices is really so difficult for them to comprehend. Please me I am in support of these one policy and even though I feel the pain I still believe that it remains the only option for us at this point so NLC and their whole cabal of noisemakers should all just buy one way tickets to ISIS controlled Syria.

The Tomato crises and our Yoruba brethren
Kai, all the Yoruba people around me are complaining bitterly about the price of pepper and tomatoes in the market. Seun my hard-working partner comes into the office screaming that three tomatoes is now N500 that he followed his wife to the market to see it for himself. He wanted to take permission to go to Mile 12 to see if he can get it cheaper. As I tried  to contain my laughter, Lami’s wife called to ask him if he could buy tin tomatoes on his way back from work since she could not get to buy. This is really a sad episode and a very serious matter especially if you consider the fact that your south-western brothers do not joke with their stew. Everything they eat must go with stew. Eba, rice, Amala, semovita, porridge, everything is stew. So this present situation is really a declaration of war against the Yoruba nation. If this situation continues, the fight will soon …  NLC will have a better fight on their hands instead of this ridiculous strike they have called to protest the fuel hike. This is a more pressing and meaningful battle for them. We must look for the root cause of this situation. What is the cause of the tomatoes scarcity or is someone trying to destabilise the Yoruba nation by depriving them of their well-loved  stew so that they will not be able to concentrate on nation-building? The whole thing is beginning to smell of sabotage and it is not fair. Give us back our pepper and stew, otherwise we may be having a secession on our hands.

Open letter to that Armed Robber
Sir, if you were the one that robbed at gun point the car on Ikorodu road on Saturday, I send my greetings. It is with a very high level of respect that I write you this letter thanking you for sparing me and concentrating on the job at hand which in this case was the unfortunate fellow driver. I hope he only lost his car as I could not wait to find out if he survived the ordeal. You see when I got home after my escape, I knelt down and thanked God for giving you the presence of mind to ignore me as I was already dead as you walked majestically past me. Please sir, next time kindly give advance notice so I avoid that particular road or better still so that I don’t even go out that day. Sir, since that day, I have cancelled all activities that will take me to Ilupeju. What that means is that no church for me again, no visits to Cecelia in Anthony and I have asked my children to do homeschooling for sometime until I get over the experience. Sir, the sight of a gun is enough to petrify the strongest of men and you did not have to shoot to achieve your goal. A simple verbal request would have done the same thing. You made me wet my Gucci pants, but don’t worry I will wash it; it’s no problem and you made me shake so much that I could not even stand straight after I escaped. Bruh, you will never be able to imagine my gratitude and I must confess that your attack that night may just have saved my marriage for I had to confess to my wife where I was coming from that night. My thinking is that it was her prayers that may have blinded you from seeing me so as a reward, I have confessed and swore never to go anywhere near ilupeju in search of ‘apple’ when I could have just stayed at home to help my children with their homework. Well sha lessons have been learnt and I now know better than to stay out late especially at these perilous times when we are experiencing the harshest of economic times. Thank you sir and God bless.

Saudi Arabia and that wonderful law
I just read that going forward any woman who goes through her husband’s phone without his express permission in Saudi Arabia would be flogged. Kai, this law na real law and our lawmakers should go for crash course in elementary lawmaking in this country. How do I wish that this law becomes applicable here!  I swear it would save a lot of marriages and breed tremendous respect amongst our womenfolk for us the men. This law would also save me money as I have to walk around with three phones. I never ever take one of the phones into the house as I leave it with the maiguard every night so as to not expose myself to any attack following the deft infiltration of its unholy content. Instead of that miserable law against same sex marriage, this is the kind of law that would make all the lawmakers win a wonderful second term and spare them from facing the CCT.  Na wa.

Calling Donald Duke
Hello sir, I just saw pictures of your daughters online and must tell you that they are extremely beautiful. If I had seen this picture on time, I would have personally asked Her Excellency, Chief Mrs Duke for their hand in marriage on my last trip to Abuja. We were on the same flight. But be that as it may, it is never too late. I am seizing this opportunity to kindly seek to meet with you to discuss the possibility of having at least one of them become my favourite latest wife. I am 46 years old and a confessed polygamist. Like you, I was a card carrying member of the PDP and was stupendously involved in the last presidential elections where I advised Orubebe against his ill-fated attempt to truncate the elections result. I will respect them and consider the fact that they must have been well brought up and as such I will treat them like eggs . Sir, and am good looking and very charming you will like me, just ask madam about me and she will confirm that I have a very sweet smile. So your daughters will really be very happy in my house. I have already discussed with my first wife who does not have any issues with her joining us in our big family. Thank you as you consider my offer and may Gob bless you.