FANTASTICALLY CONFUSED

Uche Nwokedi

English language (and its derivative dialect, pidgin or broken English) is many things, to many people. In many homes in Nigeria today, it is the only means of communication (seeing as our ethnic languages are dying and some will disappear in the next fifty years). It is the most widely spoken language in the world. It is an enduring vestige of colonialism and a constant reminder of our antecedent political history. It is the language of contemporary and popular music, and of the movies. It is also the voice of our education and upbringing.

Most educated people in Nigeria think in English, and there is now a lexicon of English language peculiar to this country. I am reasonably comfortable with it, especially as the grace of God and my education, sponsored by my hard working and honest parents, allowed me to grow up speaking English (in tandem with Igbo, and because of that “wonderfully unique” Catholic School in Obalende, St Gregory’s College, a little bit of colloquial Yoruba). Even then, I strive on a daily basis, to improve my command of the language so that I can do well in my chosen profession, law. I read as widely as my busy schedule will allow me. When I read any piece of prose, I examine the nuances and subtleties of the language, in the same way that I examine the rationale and meaning in judgments and legal briefs. It is a wonderful exercise.

Recently, the Prime Minister of Great Britain, David Cameron proved to me that you could never really speak a language like the people that own it. When he excitedly described Nigeria as a “fantastically corrupt” country, I was taken aback. Not because as a host he “gossiped” or spoke disparagingly of some of his guests behind their backs, but because he put two words together in a way that I would never have done. One may have said, “extremely corrupt”, or perhaps “terribly corrupt”. One may even say, “unforgivably corrupt”, or “stupidly corrupt”, but in my own humble understanding of English I would never have combined “fantastic” and “corrupt’ in the same sentence to describe a whole country, and by extension the millions of people that are citizens of that country.

My first reaction was to query if he was grammatically correct. Was it the Queen’s English he spoke? Or did he take liberties with the Language hoping that the Queen would not notice? An interesting turn of phrase! It sounded like something borrowed from Pink Floyd’s songbook. I immediately made an excursion to the nearest dictionary for enlightenment. I found a number of contextual meanings offered for “fantastic”, such as; “strange or exotic”; “seeming more appropriate to the imagination than to reality”; the most apt I thought was “being remote from reality”. I played the phrase back many times in my mind and I became fantastically confused. My confusion was not that corruption in government is unusual because the developed nations have their fair share of it. Besides, “corruption” is an English word and may be found in all the English dictionaries. It was also not that Nigeria was corrupt because Great Britain has been in bed with Nigeria even before Lord Lugard did his amalgamation thing. It was the phrase “fantastically corrupt” that bemused me.

How can something bad be fantastic? It drove me nuts. To my mind, it was almost like saying “wickedly kind” or “painfully sweet”. It was such an oxymoron. Why would he say that? What did we do to him? Does he know something that we do not? Does he admire the corruption? Surely David Cameron knows that the justice system in England is relentless, as the Great Train Robbers discovered. As it is, with the “Brexit” referendum imminent, his job is already on the line. I concluded that perhaps he meant that our corruption has grown beyond the levels acceptable by civilised and regularly organised societies. It was not a case of inflated travel expenses, or phantom sitting allowances, or even a Hermes scarf for a mistress. That is for the faint hearted. It is more like a case of relocating entire treasuries to personal accounts in foreign lands. In fact the magnitude of the corruption has grown so much that it is now remote from reality. It is actually beyond imagination. So in a deft exposition of his mother tongue, David Cameron introduces us to a quaint phrase, “fantastically corrupt”, which now means so much more in relation to Nigeria.

President Buhari’s reaction on the other hand also surprised me. The usual Nigerian response to such matters is to proclaim loudly that, “we will not be intimidated”, then maybe the diplomatic protestation of summoning the British High Commissioner to explain the statement might ensue. Instead, like a good soldier, he claimed high ground. He seized an opportunity to show to the world that he was bigger, wiser and more polite than his much younger host leader. He accepted that his country, Nigeria, which he serves as President, was fantastically corrupt. He waved off any feeble attempts made to apologize, though none had actually been offered.

He was gracious to David Cameron and thus spared his erring host his blushes. It was a successful manoeuvre. Then he scored another point. He asked for the return of those ill-gotten riches breathing in several accounts in Britain and other countries. There is still no response to his request. Any explanation given thereafter was at best, mealy-mouthed and swallowed up in the media scrum that followed his statement. For them, that Nigeria is “fantastically corrupt” is more news worthy than the fact that the fruits of the said corruption remain in their countries, undoubtedly breathing and multiplying. That fact was relegated to a footnote in all media discussions that followed.

For the Nigerian President, it was a successful PR campaign in most respects. He had gained the summit of the occasion, but he did so alone. He planted his own personal banner, but not the national flag. He forgot about the millions of honest and hard working Nigerians who voted him in to fight corruption. He tarred all Nigerians with the same brush. He lost sight of the fact that there are still many Nigerians who wake up every morning and go about their business honestly and sincerely, and strive to make the country a better place. He failed to advocate for them.

He forgot that Nigerians are blessed with the spirit of endeavour and are an extremely industrious and talented people. I wonder how the Nigerians in diaspora must have felt in their places of work that day when he made that damning proclamation. I wondered about those in foreign countries with pending legitimate applications for financial support before their employers, their banks, their schools or local councils. I wondered about all the Nigerians living and schooling in the UK. How did they feel as they walked into their dining rooms that evening before the students from other countries? It would have been a good day to go to the library instead. Ironically, the nameless gentleman who inquired if we paid our airfare to the convention is said to be well associated with scandal. Such hypocrisy!

As our President, he forgot that he should advocate for every Nigerian, especially the honest ones, even if by estimation of the world they are a dying minority. He mounted the pedestal of being incorruptible and pulled the ladder up after himself. He left people, worthy Nigerians behind. And this was after the Bishop of Canterbury, who immediately spoke up for him, and distinguished him from other corrupt Nigerians, had given him absolution.

Now there is a lesson there! He too should have followed suit and made the appropriate distinctions. It was a good opportunity for him to re-affirm his inauguration mantra that he is the President for everyone. The battle to save the soul of our nation is epic and the President must have his troops with him. Here, it is the will and voice of the people (amplified by social media) that should constitute his army. He must seek their support, if he is to succeed. Perhaps he too was fantastically surprised by the glare of the moment. It happens to everyone. Be that as it may, we should all borrow a leaf from President Buhari’s book and wave off his oversight. We too, should also understand that democracy on the world stage is a perennial learning curve, and like the rest of us, President Buhari is still a student of democracy.

•Nwokedi is a Senior Advocate of Nigeria