Stella Oduah – My Crush

I have had a terrible crush on this extremely beautiful lady since she came into public limelight. Her fair complexion and exquisite looks have continued to be the subject of my dreams. Her eyes are as glorious as the morning star that welcomed the birth of our Lord and saviour and her skin as smooth and milky as the warm streams of Gilead. That she is very beautiful even at her age is no longer news but what is news to me is the troubles that she is beginning to face with the authorities. I have heard so many stories both ridiculous and others a little believable. As I write I have just heard that billions were found in her house maids account, she has graciously denied that another report says that she has 60 properties just found by the EFCC. My take is that they should just leave her alone Jo. After all with that kind of beauty she should be able to get away with anything. This is why they will never make me Chairman at EFCC because I will never investigate her talk less of embarrassing her the way her name is being bandied about. I will just be writing her poems on EFCC letterhead paper heralding her unusual beauty and offering her the services of all the lawyers in the institution to get her out of any wahala her political enemies would have been throwing her way. I hardly get angry but Nigerians will see my anger the moment her skin starts loosing it’s warm and precious glow due to all these stress they are making her go through. I will sue everybody o and make sure that I will borrow a leave from Ekweremadu and write to all the foreign bodies he has written to seeking help including FIFA and Donald Trump to intervene otherwise Nigeria will see the worst in an Akwa Ibom man in love. Kai, mummy do not worry all this will pass as I have received firm assurances from Prophet Joshua who showed me your face in a bowl of water as evidence that we can still be together despite all this EFCC wahala. We shall overcome.

Dbanj gets married?
The Kokomaster himself has just been married off by social media. They said he secretly married one beauty from Jos . As the news settled, the Kokomaster called me on some business transaction we are doing together and I attacked him. How for heavens’ sake would he go and marry without informing me. Me that once bought food for him at Cactus; me that once bought boiled eggs for him at the Abuja Airport. Me that co-wrote his biggest hit – Oliver Twist with Don Jazzy; me that, let me just keep quiet. He apologised and begged to come to my office to explain everything. I agreed but did not wait for him. He invited me to his house and I still will not go because I  remain very upset. You know I was keeping one sweet Shomolu-based Akwa Ibom sweetie for him and have even collected some money sef and now he wants to turn me into a fraudster that EFCC will be pursuing up and down and freezing my account. My people but seriously let me for one second forget my selfish motives, the Kokomaster deserves all the happiness this union will bring to him. I am very sure that he must have finally found his oasis of love and happiness and I wish him so well and pray that God should in its infinite mercy bless this union and grant them everlasting joy and beautiful fruits. Osheeee!!!!!!!!!!!

LASTMA and my Birthday
The head of this Lagos State institution must hear this o. Your boys chose my birthday to impound my wife’s car. She had parked along the Ojota expressway directly in front of the former Bata to pick our nanny and out of nowhere these people appeared and the shouting match that emerged was out of this world. She immediately called me and as I tried to plead with the officials the case became worse. They insisted that the car must be impounded; at that point I tried to remind them that I voted for APC and that I had eaten breakfast in the Governor’s House before at Glover and as such they should release my wife’s car on personal recognition. They refused o. This people no respect their governor o. So I tried with the Jagaban. I told the officer over the phone that I was invited to the Jagaban’s 60th birthday at Eko hotel and that I even shook hands with Lai Mohammed. The more I dropped big Lagos establishment people the faster my wife and the car was getting to the garage to be impounded. I decided to change gear told my wife to pretend to faint to see if this will touch these people. Na lie o, the Pharisee people no shake. My wife faint three times on the journey but the hardened children of Melchizedek continued their journey to Golgotha. I took a picture of my voter’s card and sent to my wife’s phone to show them. She said they hissed when they saw the picture. My people, with desperation I started calling all the Lagos people I know o. Called Commissioner for Energy, Wale Oluwo, phone switched off, called General Manager of LASTMA his phone rang, no reply. I called Desmond Elliot, member Lagos House of Assembly, he did not pick; called Abiola Yahaya, Special Assistant to Hon. Giwa of the House of Assembly, she picked and said when they give me the ticket I should call her. Called Princess whose husband is Commissioner of Police, she advised that my wife should faint again. My wife said she was tired of fainting. In desperation, I jumped into my car and gave a chase. That is how I ended up spending my birthday with

Na lie o, the Pharisee people no shake. My wife faint three times on the journey but the hardened children of Melchizedek continued their journey to Golgotha. I took a picture of my voter’s card and sent to my wife’s phone to show them. She said they hissed when they saw the picture. My people, with desperation I started calling all the Lagos people I know o. Called Commissioner for Energy, Wale Oluwo, phone switched off, called General Manager of LASTMA his phone rang, no reply. I called Desmond Elliot, member Lagos House of Assembly, he did not pick; called Abiola Yahaya, Special Assistant to Hon. Giwa of the House of Assembly, she picked and said when they give me the ticket I should call her. Called Princess whose husband is Commissioner of Police, she advised that my wife should faint again. My wife said she was tired of fainting. In desperation, I jumped into my car and gave a chase. That is how I ended up spending my birthday with alchohol-drinking and cigarette smoking officials of LASTMA in their Agric Ikorodu parking lot. At the end of the day, we became friends sha as I regaled them with stories of me and Fashola in Igbobi College and the role I played in the establishment of LASTMA especially at the time the Jagaban was in the middle of his war with OBJ. When they found out it was my birthday, they made me buy them ‘kparaga’ local gin and stood guard while I inspected them the way Buhari does it during National Day parade. By the end of the day, we all laughed and became friends and I prayed for them that God should give all of them the patience to continue to serve and catch many more people like me so that free kparaga will continue to flow in  Ikorodu . I thank my new friends na condition dey bring people together. Lastly, to all the Lagos officials who did not take my calls, we will meet at the next elections, wallahi!

Odein Ajumogobia – My Honest Advice
I have just read that you have finally agreed to mediate between us and the MEND. If this is true, my honest advice to you is to quickly embark on a major fasting. Not the one that you will have to see the moon before you stop. For this assignment is and will be the most delicate and risky you or any Nigerian would be embarking on. How do you mediate this kind thing? First, as a Nigerian and someone from the same Niger Delta I do not really see how you will achieve a win win for all parties. If Nigerians get upset, you become a persona non grata. If MEND get upset, you could come home and find your house blown up. I am sure you will be regretting the day you got admission to study Law. If you knew you would have just gone to do Physical Education in school and pushed to be appointed to the less risky job of coaching the female national team. Well sha, I really pray for Solomonic wisdom for you. At least, the good thing is that the MEND are ready to talk. But while collecting your mandate, they should at least stop the bombing first Tompolo should settle his differences with Ayiri and stop writing those letters to the President. You will be in my prayers and I am sure in the prayers of millions of Nigerians. I really pity you. This task is not for the lily-livered. Do not worry if you fail you can still go on exile to Fernando Po and if you succeed you will be richly rewarded. Go with the Lord and may He guide your every utterance and do not forget to get your bullet proof vest as you proceed. I wish you Godspeed, my brother.

…..that Skye Bank Wahala
The only thing I can say here is that we no longer know who to look up to in this country. It is beginning to look like every success story has a leprous side. This Tunde Ayeni was supposed to be the next sweet story after the Aliko Dangotes and Tony Elumelus. He came out of no where to take Skye Bank and Mainstreet Bank capping it all with Nitel. I remember seeing him at a function at the Eko Hotel and envying and admiring him as someone I want to be like if I ever come to this world again. Today, the story has turned and all sorts of ‘rubbish’ is coming out of the place. Get me right o, a business can go bad through honest wrong business decisions that were taken with the very best of risk management and corporate governance. But what is beginning to come out of this story is very far from it and also as an industry person, I would not want to really go into details. But if what we are hearing is anything to go by then the question again is who do we look up to? I have friends in Skye Bank who are thorough professionals and who I would hate to see loose their jobs because of this and much more important the millions who have their poor savings in the place. I am very sure the CBN is up to the task of protecting all stakeholders. My heart goes to my friends at Skye Bank even as I pray to God to assist CBN in achieving a quick turnaround of the place. It was and is still a very strong brand. This is only just the beginning for them, they will re-emerge I am very sure of this.

President Buhari : I ‘m just looking at you
So your Excellency in the fast that you have been breaking it has not crossed your mind to invite me to dinner at Aso Villa to break fast with you one of these evenings? Sir, if anybody had told me that this would happen to me I would not have believed. So you can finish a whole 30-day fast, breaking it with all sorts of people without for one day inviting me? I am lost as to the reason this misfortune has befallen me and I have instructed the Sultan not to see the moon until I get my invite. Please do not dare me as I am determined to keep the moon away until I come and eat with you. Sir, I have a lot of issues I would like to discuss with you especially the fact that when people go into detention they come out with gray beards. It is truly a mystery for me and I believe if we find a solution to it we just may solve the corruption wahala in our country. So Sir, I still await my invitation and while preparing for my visit, kindly instruct your stewards to prepare Afang served with fufu and a fresh bowl of palmwine to go down with the food. I will be coming for the dinner with Governor Ayo Fayose and David Cameron who will come and explain to us how he fantastically lost his job. Rankadede sir.