The Senate VS the Presidency: My Candid Opinion

Loud Whispers

These people do not know how to fight abeg. They are just gesticulating and prancing around. This fight reminds me of those fights we used to witness at Oshodi or any of the motor parks in Lagos. So people will be getting ready to fight, one will shout – emiiiiiiiii and run from one end of the park to the other, stripping and tearing his clothes, all the while screaming about his prowess.

His supporters are also jumping up and down touting his powers and his victims. They will be reminding you that this guy killed seven policemen with his bare hands, he had defanged an angry tiger just last week here o and that he would just make mince meat of this opponent. Meanwhile, the opponent is not left behind in all these theatrics. He too is jumping up and down, shouting his own praises. ‘Emi, boxer, Emi Omo Ekun, Omo Iya akpata, ma pae.

Meanwhile the fight is at Oshodi o, he will run to Ikeja and come back . Run towards Mushin and come back, beg his supporters to break two bottles for him. He would prefer one brown bottle called odeku and one green bottle so that the slashes will come out sharp. His supporters will scream in delight helping him break the bottles. By this time, both pugilists are now stark naked, excitement is the air, people have started throwing in their bets and eyes are becoming blood shot. My people in all this, no punch had been thrown just yet o. Na drama we dey all look. The crowd swells, abuses fill the air and a circle is drawn around both combatants. They start dancing around like professional boxers, covering their faces with their arms looking for an opportunity to throw a punch; all the time hurling insults at each other. ‘Ko ni da fun eh’, (please pardon my Yoruba) while dancing the dance Mohammed Ali made famous. After hours of these theatrics, the crowd gets bored and starts beating the two of them for wasting their time without even throwing a punch. This is how we are beginning to feel about this perceived face-off. Boredom is seeping o, no more excitement abeg, nobody has thrown the first punch and we are getting tired of the prancing and dancing. If punches will not be thrown, save us from all the theatrics abeg. Thank you.

General Bamaiyi: Please Go Back to Sleep
This dragon has suddenly woken up. While he was asleep, the country had moved so much and achieved a lot. We had built the third largest movie industry in the world, the country’s internet and phone penetrations were in the millions. We had become the largest economy in Africa. We had succeeded to a great extent in stabilising our democracy. Civilian presidents have handed over to civilian presidents. We have succeeded in transferring power democratically from one ruling party to the other. So you can imagine my irritation at his pathetic book which is trying to take us back into the dark days. Yes, history must be recorded for posterity. Then again in so doing, adequate care must be taken in nursing objectivity and a robust work that would withstand intellectual scrutiny and not a work laced with jaundiced and personal innuendoes aimed at achieving some sinister unannounced motives. Seriously, who at this time in the country is interested in Obasanjo’s role in a phantom coup especially at a time when a lot of Nigerians were accused and punished as coup plotters for just waking up from their beds? Can someone give me General Bamaiyi’s number let me tell him these things I am saying and more face to face? Nigeria has moved on, in case he has not noticed. Sir, kindly go back to sleep.

Ali Ndume : On the Ropes
My dear Senator Ndume is on the ropes. He has been bloodied by better strategists and pugilists. Do I really care? I think not. Honestly, for fear of being summoned to come and explain my utterances, I would have said one or two things about this present Senate. But as I will not be able to afford cost of the ticket to fly to Abuja and as you all know, I have a play to produce, I will just keep quiet and lay it on Ndume since he is already on the floor. My Lord, you will find no pity with me, simply because like most Nigerians we are wary of what is going on in that hallowed chamber. So  being thrown out by your colleagues although temporarily should give you an opportunity to go back home and reflect on your activities, and in fact, the activities of the Senate in its entirety with a view to answering this very seminal question: Is the Senate really representing the true interest of the people who voted them in?. As you must have noticed by now, I am choosing my words as I take on the veil of cowardice but that said, I remain worried at the level of disrespect the Senate is receiving from all sorts of people. Why, if I may ask, is this happening to this particular Senate? Why this unprecedented lack of respect for the Senate and by extension the Nigerian people especially at this time. My dear Senator Ndume, kindly ask your supporters to stand down. This suspension is needed so that you can come back stronger and more invigorated as a true leader in the Senate. For this reason, I support your suspension. Thank you.

Akinwunmi Ambode: Let Me Say Something
Now every morning as I go to work, I am inundated with radio jingles exhorting all Lagos people to go ahead to Alausa very quickly to secure facilities for their business. What is really striking for me is the emphasis being placed in that advert that you do not have to be a Lagosian to access this life-saving initiative. One is entitled as long as he lives in Lagos and his or her business is based in Lagos and the promoters are registered with the LASRA. The very strategic import of this message is not lost on me and should not be lost on all true Nigerians. Ambode is sending a very strong message of national cohesion, recognising that true economic and socio-political development can only be achieved if we harness our collective strengths instead of limiting ourselves to very shallow ethnic biases when it comes to dishing out the dividends of democracy. At the risk of sounding like a sycophant, let me even use this opportunity to say one or two things about this Ambode administration.

In my whole life, I have never done anything with government. I hear stories of red tape, lazy civil servants and corruption amongst others in dealings with these people. In pursuit of support for my play, Isale Eko, which is an attempt at celebrating Lagos at 50, I invaded Alausa. I found it o. I was surprised at the fact that an Ibibio man in the Shomolu Diaspora could be given attention. My vision was listened to at the highest levels of the Lagos State Government very objectively. I faced a panel of well-tested professionals who asked me some very technical questions in a bid to perfectly sell the idea to the ‘number one’ as they call him. Everything was so professional. Nobody asked me for anything; nobody offered any unethical advice or suggestion. I was guided through the maze and gently nudged towards getting executive approval. When the approval came, I was so sure that it would take forever to get the support. I had already started seeking ways to borrow money for the play. But to my surprise, all officials of the Lagos State Ministry of Arts and Culture from the sweet acting Commissioner to the hard-working Permanent Secretary put everything down to make sure we were supported on time. I was taken aback.  This was a private sector-type engagement I was experiencing at Alausa and every office I entered, you could sense a high level of professionalism and seriousness in their approach to their work.

Lagos is indeed working.  I must say this as I have witnessed it personally. I can now proudly state that I am a true Lagosian especially with the employment trust fund. They say they can give as little as N500,000 to a small business with the kind of interest rates that you can only get in your dreams. Please where is the office o and how can I get my own?

Ebenezer Obey at 75
Let me also join in pouring encomiums on this legend. A lot of people do not know that during a particularly dark period in my growing-up years, his philosophical songs gave me strength. My dad had suddenly lost his job and was finding it very difficult to get a new one. My mum, who was an army officer working with the medical corps, was suddenly thrown into a leadership role she was least prepared for, which she however assumed with the gusto of a mad elephant. She did everything to maintain the standard of living of the family, ensuring that we continued at the same schools and all that. To earn additional income, she took to selling bread and as the firstborn, it fell on me to run that part of the family business empire. So I came back from school every day, headed to the nearest bakery in Shomolu to queue with market women to pitch bread from very hot oven. I never used to enjoy that part of my life, but there was nothing I could do since we had to eat at home. As we struggled to get the bread out with a lot of pushing and shoving, there would be tears in my eyes, for I never really expected our family to be in that kind of quagmire. We were not rich but we were a very comfortable middle-class family who had two cars, did the usual annual vacation and attended good private schools. We used to be the envy of the other families in Shomolu, who labelled us ‘butter’ which was the moniker for rich people. All of a sudden, I was here struggling for bread with market people.

I used to feel so ashamed and on the verge of a psychological breakdown. However, as I loaded my bread to count, I will be hearing Obey’s sonorous voice belting out from the speakers. He would be singing and from the little Yoruba I could understand, he was asking me to calm down and struggle, and that this was not permanent. He gave me the strength and with time, I would be looking forward to the bakery because of the opportunity to listen to him. I am who I am today because of Ebenezer Obey; he stopped me from losing the fight and gave me the impetus with his songs and wise words to grow from the tiny bread seller to becoming the Duke of Shomolu. Happy birthday sir and many happy returns.