Sani Abacha: A Rehash

Loud Whispers

You know my advice to some of these our politicians as they run about in careless abandon is for them to go back a little bit to review the days of the great goggled one General Sani Abacha. This I believe would bring them back to reality thus making them sit up and begin to think straight. Some few days ago, I read through a despatch from a Medical doctor who was part of Abacha’s military strike force as led by the great Major Mustapha. That one is still going around proclaiming his righteousness like we were all fed with overdose of Valium in his heyday, when he marched on all of our egos with impunity. This medical doctor in trying to prove his innocence, apparently the witches in his village had accused him of administering the lethal injection that must have led to the death of our statesman Musa Yardua, opened up some more cans of worms which made me cry and you know I hardly cry. The way and manner these people ruled this country, you will begin to just love the scallywags who are running rings around us today in the name of democracy. Those ones did not respect the sanctity of human lives, throwing bombs around in a bid to kill just one person, deciding to ‘finish’ someone simply because the person did not greet him well in the morning. Having a Head of State that would not come down from his bedroom untill 3pm and until then state matters must wait with nobody daring to go wake him up. As I read, the anger in me began to well up and to think that vestiges of that era still remain with us and even one of them is trying to vie for governorship of a state just shows just how unserious we are as Nigerians. Please my people as they say, the worse democratic government is far better than the best military rule. May we never see this kind thing again in our lives and in the lives of generations unborn! Ekweremandu, that statement no matter the context, should not have come out of your mouth. Just say sorry!

Osibanjo: Do We Really Care?
So three years after, we are still auditing Jonathan’s books and making earth-shattering pronouncements like the one we just heard. So he spent N150bn some few weeks before the 2015 elections and so what? In Shomolu that is what we will call, ‘askor’. My brother better move on and face the stark reality of a dour performance and how you will explain yourself to the electorate in less than 11 months. This song is as boring and as tiring as Dino Melaye singing. Be wasting time and be abusing Jonathan as if he is the one that will face elections. We have dealt with that one our way, haven’t we removed him from power or is it until we strip him naked with nothing but his bowler hat covering his dignity – although that would be a wonderful sight to see sha – that you will agree that you should move forward? My dear Prof., as you no invite me to your daughter’s wedding, let me fire you abeg. Please wake up and smell the coffee, Nigerians are not that dense if for nothing else we know when and where something is pinching us. You and this your APC are pinching us in some very bad places o. Dapchi, job losses, heath, infrastructure, etc. Obama took over from Bush in the midst of a crippling recession, before the next elections he had positioned himself to be re-elected not by crying over Bush’s spilled milk but by being proactive. I have his phone numbers just in case you need it though. Let’s move on my lord, no be Jonathan be the issue today, Na you and your Baba Muhammadu Buhari but na fine man o, tall, slim and with good complexion only problem is that, he no dey know somethings, LoL

IG: Why Now?
Sir, it is with a sad and heavy heart that I am writing you once again this morning. And to think that I used to like you o, despite what my other friend Melaye thinks of you. I still consider you my person as we say it here. So that is how I woke up this morning only to find out that my orderly has been withdrawn, they say with instructions from you. Sir, this my policeman is not a real policeman o; he is the ones we call., ‘spy’. I am the one that paid for his training both in Makoko and in Etinan. Since my profile as the Duke of Shomolu started rising and with the coming elections you know I will have to support some candidates; the need to stay alive became very paramount. So I sent him to the fishermen in Ilaje and Makoko to train him on the art of deep sea VIP protection just in case my enemies would want to take me while driving on the Third Mainland Bridge. I also sent him to Etinan to master the art of diabolical warfare. You see what they say the Russians did in the UK with their nerve gas attack, that is why I sent him to Etinan to learn how to use witchcraft to neutralise these things. And as my friend the singing senator has said, this withdrawal would mean imminent death for the Duke of Shomolu who has not even begun to see the dividend of his position. We have not yet been gazetted. Ambode has promised that if the Land Use Charge allows him win the elections, the first thing he would do is to gazette us. So you see my dear Inspector General of Police, the need to keep me alive remains paramount to you, so is there a way you can kindly give me a waiver and let my Spy Policeman come back na? I beg. I will come see you in Abuja soon. Greet madam.

Bello of Kogi!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am not very happy with the things I am hearing about you and your state and I must tell you that I carry a heavy heart. I do not believe in hearsay although I have been reading in some very credible news platforms of the kinds of policies and violence coming out of your state. My sadness comes from the fact that as a young man you should be a leading light as to the cry for generational change but today we are all singing songs of sorrow as a result of the way they say you are running the state. Mr. Bello at 48, I have just learnt that I am a good six years your senior. So governor or not, I believe I owe you some stern advice. I would really like for you to slow down and revaluate your approach to governance. If there are areas you are not doing well, please kindly look into it and start working. Enough of the games. My advice to you is to immediately set up a non-partisan council of elders. Citizens that have served the country and Kogi State to serve as an independent advisory council to hold your hands and guide you through as you begin to redirect your efforts. Kogi people need peace. They need stability to be able to flourish. I have been there many times and I simply love the people. They do not need this kind of calamity. Pease I know you will listen to my plea and do the needful especially  the non-partisan council of elders. It will do you  a lot of good. When next you are in Lagos come and see me in Shomolu, let us talk over plates of afang and fufu. God is in control, don’t worry my brother.

THE Butcher’s Daughter: Please Help!
She is 14 years old and she has cancer. Her father, a good-looking butcher, the one we call ‘’Eleran’’ has sold everything and struggled to keep the girl alive these past two years and has run out of his wit’s end. I even saw a letter he wrote to the then Commissioner for Health in Lagos and the terse reply he got citing budgetary constraints for his inability to help and wishing him well in seeking funds elsewhere. You see these our politicians, how much is N15m that he and his colleagues cannot contribute N500,000 each personally to fund? If it is to buy aso oke or drink Hennessey you will see them. Well, don’t let me spoil this small girl’s case. We have taken up her matter and working with United Capital Limited, have set up a Trust account to raise the much-needed funds to save her life. She has been carrying this cancer around now for the past two years without treatment. Please, what can we do to help? Kindly give me a call and let us see how we can save this life. My number is on the top of the page. God bless.