Bukola Saraki is Still Standing

Loud Whispers

You see, my people, Bukola Saraki is still standing and with no immunity, he is facing all these allegations and harassment with the dignity. Only a distinguished personality like him can face all these. Those who have peddled all these allegations themselves are honourable people who fall in the face of the littlest of scrutiny. See what happened with the grass cutting scandal, the NNPC, the primary School certificate, NYSC and a lot more. But then, the one that has been made to struggle, cry and face untold hardship and stress coming out of it all is the baba nla thief. You see in a country of barely literate but highly passionate electorates, it is those who control the media that control the narrative.

They blur the issues with exaggerated conjectures, weaving logic on its head with the vast majority of the populace swallowing the toxic information with no ability to discern facts from hullaballoo. So, the one that has gone through the whole judicial process up to the Supreme Court is the thief, the one that has not been indicted by any panel, committee or competent court of law is the thief, while the ones who sit in their palatial homes and control whole State Governors deciding who gets what with the Executive Governor reduced to nothing but dummies are the saints. The ones who stand and stare while major thievery is going on around them but stand on the pulpit of piety to proclaim their personal incorruptibility remain the guiding saints of our democracy. Mbok, this Bukola is a thief o, let him keep thieving because one day, like they always say, the real thieves would be thrown out naked in the village square with nothing but their leprous hands to cover their withered testicles in utter shame because no matter how long it takes, the truth always prevails. My Lord keep thieving. God bless you.

Mbok, Adeosun did NYSC

I do not understand all the noise, Adeosun and I did NYSC in Ogun State. We were both in the Sagamu Camp of the NYSC. I still remember her very well, she was one tall, dark and pleasantly mannered young lady, who had just come back from England. Not totally beautiful, but had passable gait enough to catch my interest for I moved on her. We used to walk around the camp at night staring at the Sagamu skies trying to count them since any attempt at kissing was ruled out. I never use to understand her cockney accent since me I went to the great University of Ibadan and came from Shomolu. Her accent intrigued me, while mine also intrigued her. We served together o.

Her uniform used to sit very well on her, showing her great assets and which made my heart pound even though I could not touch since that was the policy. She was brilliant though and used to talk about the economy and how her ambition was to be a major policy maker in the country in economics and finance. Then the day we passed out came and in tearful hugs and finally the kiss which showed her very soft and succulent lips we bid ourselves good bye as she climbed into her chauffer driven Mercedes Benz and I in turn jumped on the molue that would convey me back to Shomolu. I have not seen her since then but I heard that Adenike Adeosun now runs a fast food joint in Ikoyi.  Ohhhhhh were you guys thinking I was talking about Kemi Adeosun? Aghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!. No kill me o, wetin concern me with that one o. I no know University of East London, na Angus Memorial High School for Shomolu I go, na Segun George my paddy na him go that one.

BOLA TINUBU: AMBODE IS OUR MAN

We have just come out of our congress here in Shomolu. Although we now have three factions with three different factional chairmen, we were able with bowls of well-made Afang soup washed down by Yemi Shodimu’s palm wine – you should try it. I will send some to you when you listen and agree to our resolution – agreed to present Akinwunmi Ambode for re-election. Let me write his name in capital letters so you don’t mistake it – AKINWUNMI AMBODE. We have heard rumours that you may not be very comfortable with his second term and this led us into a panic. We forgot our differences and called for an emergency meeting chaired by myself, The Duke of Shomolu and passed the resolution to reach out to you on Ambode’s candidacy.

All the people of Shomolu and even Bariga are solidly behind this resolution and as soon as we can get enough signatures, we will be sending a petition to you since you remain the almighty giver of life and careers in our state. We are taking this rumour very seriously and are pleading while hoping that this is not true and that you will once again endorse our son. Although he is from Epe, we have decided to look beyond that and see the enormous work he has done in Lagos and will still do hence this our unanimous endorsement. That one sef no dey kuku take my call but nonetheless, is a good man. The jagaban let’s meet and discuss this issue at your leisure. Let there be no confusion, Ambode is our man.

MARY ALIBABA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY

What most people do not know is that I am extremely close to this very beautiful damsel. She is my sister o. When legendary comedian came for her hand in marriage, she was confused because at that time, she was being wooed by Prince Andrew of the House of Windsor. Such was her dilemma choosing between the Royalty that is the British Royal Family and the royalty that came from the creeks of Warri. Choosing between the finest of champagnes and canapés and the harsh otapiapia and akara that was on offer on this side of the globe. She came to me in Shomolu for advice. Then I was not yet the Duke of Shomolu but had been just installed the Ajanaku of Morocco Road in Shomolu and my wisdom was legendary. People came from far and wide for advice. I was the one who advised MKO Abiola to run to France, I also advised Mandela to stay in prison one more year thereby bettering his chance at the Nobel Committee. So Mary was in good hands. After listening to her carefully, I chose Alibaba for her.

Simply because I knew that Mary will not be able to cook all that English food and that she may really not understand the language. You know say na Calabar woman. I further advised her that Alibaba would better appreciate the Afang, ekpangnkukwo and Afia efere that she is an expert in and that if she try to cook those things in Buckigham Palace, it will cause diplomatic problem between both countries and remember na Abacha time we been dey. So I thank God she took my advice and forsook her title which would have been Princess Mary of Afangha Nsit, she has remained the very beautiful and elegant wife of my great brother. But you know, as our people be, since then, she has not even offered me the Afang soup that she has been feeding Ali wey make that one belle big like that. Any way, she is 50 this week and she has invited us to the launching of her NGO for the girl child and a major party at the MUSON. Me, I am looking for my traditional wrapper to nack go, meaning that I won’t be prostrating for any Yoruba elder during the party as I will not be wearing any underwear make I no cause massive disruption. I thank you.

Florence Ita Giwa Marries Mudi

Don’t mind me o. You know I can be crazy like this. The distinguished Senator will be chairing the book reading of my latest work at an event organised by the iconic Fashion designer. Na that why I put the ‘marry’ inside the matter, so that you guys will quickly read. Shhhhhh, I never ask mummy yet but I know say she will agree. So, don’t tell her yet. Details later.