The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: The Pantomime of Bikinimi

By Rotimi Fawole

After a season of gbakamuninion with the unchill in the Kingdom of Jirria, the spirit of the Tword once again came upon the Chronicler, bringing phantasmagoric visions of Gambrachian doings.

It was time once again for the annual Colustrum of Shiwajun, where the Apicureans gathered from near and far to suckle from the nipples of Shiwajun as he lactated his milk of ancient wisdom. The Colustrum was held in the Car-Knoe, the Kingdom of King Macashma Gandy, the eldorado of every Electoralis.

The Apicurean nobles gathered from near and far to hear what Shiwajun might have to say about the ills and lack of chill pervading the land. All knew it was the innermost desire of Shiwajun to succeed Gambrach on the Iron Throne of Boo Jar and, unlike Gambrach, he was pursuing with the use of Too Wrenchy. Alas the Too Wrenchy failed Shiwajun, and yea after he paused for ten seconds he blurted out, “we shall solve the unemployment plaguing our young men by building an army bigger than all the armies of the world put together and then outsource soldiers to all the warfronts of the world – for soldiers are evenly distributed but war is not. And yea, we shall call this starting up idea of providing manpower to the world’s armies ‘MAndela’. And all the Apicurean cronies cheered in united vapidity.

It was also in that day that Ser DooMar,the Warden of Conductivitis, ventured into St. Banex Square to fix his device of portability. One of the sentries manning the square called out to him, saying, “Hail, o nondescript nobleman driving a huge chariot. I bid thee good morrow and ask that you ask your chariotsman to convey your chariot to a different parking location – for it rests in illegality in its current postion.”

Ser DooMar was incensed. “What does a mere peasant like you know about illegality? Do you know that I preside over Conductivitis to probe the illegalities of Kings and Dukes and nobles? Take that, you bloody knave!” he declared as he dealt the sentry a huge slap. The other sentries were displeased at the assault of their comrade and surrounded DooMar, menacingly. His squire panicked and started screaming, “They are Frabanians, they are Frabanians!” and it was the Constabulary that saved them both. The people of Jirria heard it and a rumbling of unchill swept the land.

In North Easteros, the battle continued to rage between the Haramites of Boko and the King’s Army. The Haramites were fiercely armed and had downed two of the King’s Combat Winged Chariots. Morale was low in the garrison, wherefore Ser Unsagash, the King’s Counsellor for War visited the troops to rally them. “Be bold and courageous,” he charged them, “fear not the arrows of the Haramites nor their spears!!!”

“Have you brought us bodily armour to protect us from their killingness?” the troops asked.

“Oh no, not at all! Are you kidding?” Unsagash replied. “I am here to assure, as the King’s Counsellor for War, that there is no need to fear the weapons of the enemy! For we all know, don’t we, that if we are not meant to die by the tip of the spear or an arrow, only a sword can kill us?” And the people heard the words of Unsagash, and the unchill in the land grew.

Yea, the unchill swept into the chambers of Ser Bikinimi, Gambrach’s Counsellor for Advanced Communications, at the peak of his NINcompoop Project. The NINcompoop Project was designed to capture the details and features of all the people in the Kingdom. First it was alleged that the Kingdoms of Bidenistan and Jandinia had placed him on the no-winged-chariot list, for being intensely intelligent about violent religionism, but that was very quickly recanted.

But then the details of Ser Bikinimi’s violently intelligent religiosity came to the fore and, maaaaiiiigheeeeurd, there was no chill anywhere. Ser Bikinimi ascribed his unveiling to his championing of NINcompoop. “These things that were said about me were said in the days of my youth. I am grown now and more mature. And see, I have many people with less intelligent religious fervour in my employ. They are religiously stupid and regionally less endowed and yet i employ them. Canst ye not see that I am not bigoted???”

Then a young squire by the name Hunny Din went deep into the citadels to consult all the oracles. And when he emerged, he revealed that Ser Bikinimi had professed love for Sama – the Patron Demon of Pandemonium and El-Karda, the global union of pandemoniumists. Ser Bikinimi had declared an overflowing of joy when people who believed in Fidel Castro (‘inFidels’) were slain by pandemoniumists.

The people read it and there was no gaddem chill in the land.

From: THE CHRONICLES OF CHILL | Ancient Tales of a Kingdom not Unlike One You Know
-Rotimi Fawole is a lawyer and satirist.