Between Senator Andy Uba and Bank’s Voodoo Tactics

Loud Whispers

I saw a shocking video. One mumu bank had sent its staff to what was said was the residence of Senator Andy Uba in Abuja. The video was well shot, complete with a voice-over. The narrator claimed the good senator owed them billions, putting the bank in a precarious situation. He moaned about the risk to depositors’ funds and all that.

My people, my shock cannot be quantified in this write-up. The bank has just resorted to ‘agbero’ self-help tactics. But wait, this could be fake, I told myself. So I went straight to the duke’s summit, where the matter was already heatedly debated. Ken, the great man, had already drawn his sword. His position was clear. This was totally wrong; this was the bank missing it at the point of approving the credit in the first place.

Where are the risk management structures? He cried out. Where are the recovery structures, and, most important, where is the single-limit obligor that should have guided this transaction? He concluded by stating very clearly that the bank must have bent some credit rules and is now resorting to an agbero money lender tactic to recover a loan given to a politically exposed person.

A big staff of the bank on the group countered that the bank had nothing to do with the video, and they were about to issue a statement. James came in with the position that the video was fake because Uba was a factor in the coming primary elections in Anambra.

That was my position too. Mbok, to my utter shock and chagrin, I saw a statement complete with MD picture justifying this jungle approach amongst others. I weak, I fall. I start to roll for ground. I wan die. It is over, I swear. It is over. Until my time of writing, there was no recall of that statement with the MD picture, so I want to say the statement is from the bank.

Now, listen, Mr MD. I am not a lawyer, but I will say this. This position is so wrong in all of its ramifications cos it shows a lack of respect for constituted processes of recovery. It could lead to clear destruction of civility in recovery. Already smaller fintech firms have started sending out damaging texts to people on debtors’ list, calling them fraudsters simply because they could not pay back.

This episode is shameful, and I will not mince my words. You open eye give one person all that money, if true. One person o, not anyhow person o – a PEP and you come dey snap picture and be sending statement justifying the position. If I be Senator Uba, I will come out and slap all those your male staff and carry all the female staff and give them drink and watch a Nollywood movie before I send them off. Please, my brother, we were not there when you were giving out the loan, na you know wetin you see in giving the loan, na you sabi under which bed or which cave una meet to do this kind voodoo banking, please leave us out of it.

We don’t want to know. Don’t send us video. Go and beg your brother. When you are serious, you as MD will go to his gate, stand naked and paint your face red with calabash and broom on your head to collect your money. When you are ready, let me know, I will come and join you. What else am I doing? I no kuku get job. Voodoo banking. After now, we will be shouting Buhari. I just tire.