Loud Whispers

BY JOSEPH EDGAR

NDA Attack: A Red Flag
Sometimes, things happen that leave you in a state of shock and at the same make you scream ‘enough’. The recent attack on the Nigerian Defence Academy is one of such. It seems as if the more these bandits push, the more we give ground. Has it not reached the point where we can all say ‘enough’?

Each time something like this happens, we go round the same circle: the President keeps shut, Nigerians beg him to speak. Instead, he looks at us with his tooth pick. The army sets up a panel, the affected governor mouths some crap and the rest of us rush to social media and make all sorts of ignorant talks.

Finally, everything calms down and we return to our normal lives, waiting for the next wahala. Suddenly like clockwork, it will happen again and we will start the same merry go round all over again; gaining nothing while the miscreants are gaining ground. We will just be fighting with ourselves, labelling the crimes – no na terrorist, na Boko Haram, na bandits, na herders, na Fulani want kill all of us, na igbo people wey dey find Biafra. While we bicker, those who should do something are busy looking for toothpicks to pick their teeth.

When we wanted to choose a new Army Chief, some of us had argued that the time to be looking at just infantry experience had passed. That kind of war where we will all carry armoured tanks and personnel to an agreed point like Onyigbo market and the enemy will do the same and the Samanja RSM will shout “Oya, at the count of five, fire!” has passed.
What we are facing now is an adept well-articulated guerilla warfare coming at us from different fronts and as such we must respond accordingly. This is a battle that can and should be fought and won on the altar of intelligence and technology.

Are our ogas’ listening? I doubt it. I really doubt it. It is until they enter our oga bedroom and question him, that is when we will realise that this is really no joke. Red flag.

COMMODORE KUNLE OLAWUNMI: COURAGE UNDER FIRE
‘Da ame tang iko’ in Ibibio loosely translates to “Guy, you dey talk o.”
I stumbled on his interview during the week. He looked quite unassuming and like all those unemployed and retired people still seeking relevance who usually clog our air waves spewing all sorts of crap.
Then he said, ‘I am a federal man, I have k…ld for federal”
I dropped my plate of afang, sat down and listened well.
Mbok the guy talk o. He broke all the tables and when they asked him what if they come for his life, he just replied, ‘ I don’t care’.

Now I don’t know what to call this man. Hero or villain? The things he said, if they are true then we are in real big trouble. For how can a few suddenly decide to turn this giant country to one side. But if they are not true, why is he saying all these?
It now behooves the government to look into his statements with a view to either debunking them or getting to the bottom of it. Whatever the case, the government has its back on the wall this time. Na wa.

JOS MASSACRE: A PLATEAU OF BLOOD
I am not even joking this morning. The blood of all innocent Nigerians that have been spilled since forever and especially the blood of these recent ones in Plateau State will curse me if I joke with this matter.
What senselessness is all these. What are our lives now being turned into? Nothingness. Why even play politics with this bloodletting? What kind of country is this?

Who are we?
My 12-year-old niece who was born in Qatar and who has lived all of her life outside of the country and who is very passionate about Nigeria called to ask me about the Jos massacre.
She said, “Uncle Joe, I need to call you on Zoom and see your face as you explain to me what is going on.” Her awareness of all things Nigeria is remarkable as she quite often calls intermittently to discuss the nation. She wants me to be Governor of Akwa Ibom, I say leave me o.
But today, I am staring at her with nothing to say. The questions I asked at the beginning of this write up were her questions? She’s pained and ashamed that she is a Nigerian.

I just dey look am. It’s a daily occurrence now. Hundreds killed wantonly all over the country. How do our leaders even sleep sef? What can I tell this little girl about her beloved nation?
If I had known I would have prayed to be switched at birth. This is no longer a country. Looking more like an abattoir. Sad, really sad.

PRESIDENT BUHARI: KINDLY LISTEN TO ME
You know there comes a time in a man’s life, where he will stand up and be a real man. He will take the bull by the horn and damn all consequences and speak. Lord, I don’t even know what title to call you sef. Abi na Alhaji, General, Mr or Chief. Whatever it is, kindly sha listen to me.
What is the matter? Is the pressure too much? You appear too calm for these times. It’s almost as if this whole thing that is happening is not phasing you. Your team is moving around as if it’s business as usual. The whole nation is on fire. No peace anywhere in the land. Insecurity, fear and avarice.

People are no longer proud to be called Nigerians. The only thing that is uniting the whole country today is the continued bloodletting that knows no tribe, religion or geographical boundaries. Should we hold on to this as the only uniting factor in our country?
Lord, please whatever you need to do, please do. Me I don’t even have an answer so I cannot advise you but you could not have contested four times to be president and be waiting for me in Shomolu to come and tell you what to do. I want to presume that in all those years you were on the road looking for our votes, you had some clarity as to where you would be headed if given the opportunity.

Lord, think legacy right now. Think about your place in history as you move. I am happy you have said, you will not want to leave office a failure. God will help you achieve this but you have to show some resolve too on your side. There is too much blood on the streets, I can no longer eat my Afang in peace. Do something!

OLU OF WARRI’S BEAUTIFUL CORONATION
I belong to a WhatsApp gym group called Rooftop and plenty of your subjects are on the group. Every day they will be disturbing me with pictures of them trying to carry weights and build muscles. Muscles that will not come into any effective use in the fight against terrorism.

The one that used to pain me the most, is when they post videos of them trying to carry the heaviest barbells and farting in the process. Laugh will nearly kill me.
Anyways, your majesty, there is one of your subjects I want you to give the chieftaincy title in your reign. His name is Evans. I don’t want to call his full name in case he no like this write up. I can ask him the way Tinubu asked journalists “Is it your money?” when they asked him who get money for the bullion van. So, if Evans comes for me, I will also ask him “Is it your Evans?”
Well, Evans made sure we in the group got minute by minute coverage of your very beautiful coronation. It was beautiful. Your attire, the red overcoat, is simply exquisite. The fact that you are a very handsome man added so much colour and beauty to the whole ceremony.

Evans put himself in all the pictures at one point, I come think say maybe na him dem dey coronate sef. But I cannot yab him too much because without him, I would not have witnessed the very beautiful and scenic ceremony.
Kai, Itsekiri land is beautiful. Your tradition is a wonder to behold, the regatta was mesmerising. Evans try o. He cover the thing pass CNN. He was so good that I didn’t even bother going to any media outlet to cover the thing. Even when OBJ came to kneel for you, Evans show me complete.
By the way, what was OBJ telling you as he knelt?
Congratulations Your Majesty and may your reign be long and very prosperous and thank you for removing the curse. It was a good first move. The second one should be the chieftaincy title for my brother, Evans, so he go let me eat food for Ken office. Abeg.

NIGERIAN DOCTORS – LET THEM GO
Why are we crying that our doctors are going? Mbok let them go abeg, let them go and try themselves there and see if they can be better trained and imbibe international standards of practice, no be the kind thing we are seeing here.
Come and see them as they lined up somewhere in Abuja to be doing exam — or is it test — to get jobs in Saudi Arabia. Come and see the suits and the shoes. You will really pity us in this country.

Seriously, with one of the worst doctor-patient ratios in the world, we should not be encouraging the few we have to leave. We should be making the operating environment much saner to enable them to practise their art of saving lives. But if we are waiting for that one, Molue go leave Lagos for Sambisa come back. We will still dey wait.

I see them as ambassadors; let them go out there and learn and see how intelligent people do things. I am sure they will come back and try to implement such things here. This is what happened during the first wave of brain drain when they all went to Saudi Arabia.
My uncle in-law, Dr Olude, was the first to go. He was a Commissioner for Health in Lagos and when this same Buhari came to take power, they arrested him and threw him inside cell o, just because he served. When they released him, uncle ‘japa’. Straight to Saudi, then Kuwait and retired in UAE. When he came back, he moved straight to Babcock where he taught till he died.

He brought back knowledge. That is my point. We are kuku still dying, so what is left. Let them go, we no go die finish. Native Doctors will fill the gap. Let them go and learn and come back.
While we are at it, let the Minister of Health follow apply, make he go. Ngige too make he go. I don tire.

ATIKU ABUBAKAR:  PLEASE, DON’T CONTEST
My mentor and father, please do not be inspired by President Buhari’s story who ran for four times before winning and becoming the very best President Nigeria never had. Do not run again, person dey big pass something.
We are hearing feelers that you are getting ready to run again. Me that I know you very well, you will start from PDP, move to NLC, then touch NRC before you now land in APC and still carry last.
Abeg, we don’t need that kind of distraction anymore. Nigeria of today is in a season of anomie and we need new untainted leaders. We do not need the big heads that have been running circles around us. We need fresh legs and minds
A breath of fresh air will not be too bad. If we cannot pity ourselves and tell you people the home truth, you sef pity us na. You on your own, just retire and become a coach.
The rape is too much, the virgin has been over violated, she really has nothing to offer again. Her breasts are now saggy and she has lost composure. It is over. She needs oxygen and no be your groupings that can do that at this time.
I am sorry I have to be harsh. But it is not only you sir that I am sending this brutal message to. All of you that went to that wedding last weekend and more, including the ones they did not give food to.

CHARLES SOLUDO: I AGREE WITH YOU
This very brilliant man has been quoted as saying that Anambra is too complex for a Primary Six person to rule. I expand it to Nigeria is too complex for these levels of educational qualifications to rule.
We are all living witnesses to what has been happening since 1960. I don’t want to talk in the present tense before they come and say I am referring to them o. I have to be free to complete ‘Awo’ and ‘Aremu’ and I have to also be free to meet up with the Duchess in the other room — she has said if OBJ and Osinbajo attend the plays that she will finish me in the other room. Now OBJ has confirmed, na Osinbajo remain and God go bring am.
So, it is not when the famine wants to be over, that I will now go write the one that will distract them from Channels TV presenters who don’t know how to shout “shut up” when Commodore wan start to talk o and be bringing them to Shomolu.
My people, the first primary six-man wey rule us in the Second Republic, we see where he put us. The rest practically no go school except the short – short lesson dem send them go for Pakistan in the Army. One na after he rule us for about seven years, he come go back to school. The PhD holder come sleep, him wife take over.
Yar’adua I no know him qualifications.
Anyways, we have been ruled by barely literates and outright illiterates at almost all levels of governance since independence and this shows in policy formulation and execution.
It is not only qualification you need to be a brilliant leader you will say and I agree. We don try illiterates see where we dey, make we try more learned people at all tiers and see na. After all, what do we lose? Las las, we remain where we dey na. Abi?

JIM IYKE – FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN
This is my favourite actor o. He will just be speaking fake American accent and be jumping up and down the screen like he can fight and be pretending to be a playboy.
I have never seen an actor that so much loves being typecast. Na only one style acting, anywhere bele face. Every movie, he must fight, he must drive a car rough, he must speak with an American accent and he must love women. When that one don end, film don finish. No other style o. Just this one style. Mbok, you people should leave my Jim Iyke for me, that is how I like him.

So, during the week, someone sent a video clip of him going to fight one no name social media person. Up until that time, I had never heard of this skinny fellow. They say he was questioning our actor’s source of wealth, that he heard that our actor has started using international dry cleaners on his clothes and is changing cars the way this one is changing his dirty undies.

My people, trust my champion. He will never take this laying low. Na the same moves o. Fake American accent, fake gra gra and fight. He stormed the other guy’s house abi na studio, and was screaming and making like he can fight. People were holding him up and down but he was determined to be Jim Iyke and rushed at the skinny one who looked like he hadn’t eaten in 90 days.
I laughed so hard that tears came out of my eyes. See Jim, when you see scarecrow dey look for relevance, you no leave am and you sef, can’t you grow bigger than somethings? All these I will beat you, abeg is tiring.
Grow up bro. Your mates are there reading bedside stories for their grandchildren, you are here jumping all over the place with tight trousers, dey threaten unemployed blogger all over the place.

NOT SO BREAKING NEWS – TV PRESENTERS ARRESTED?
I write on Thursdays and as I am writing I am seeing news feeds that the TV Presenters who conducted the Interview with the Commodore who said so many damning things have been arrested.
Well by the time you read this, it will be Sunday and things may have changed. So, I will be very careful with my position.
You see, going against the media, if that is the position, is exactly what those who attacked the NDA and other enemies of state want to achieve. They want to move public confidence away from the government by making these kinds of symbolic and strategic moves. This will push a lot of criticisms the way of government and begin to change public perception thereby eroding the governments’ capacity to pull strength from public cohesion in this fight.

The media should now be the government’s strategic partner in holding and gauging public opinion. Government should even take selected media on a tour of NDA and also to the theatres’ of war so that they can see things for themselves. Arresting or trying to muzzle the press in any guise is so wrong. I wonder why we still indulge in this military era pastime. It doesn’t help any side.

If it is true that these boys have been arrested or if there are any media people being held for carrying out their legitimate duties, please this is a major plea for their release. Government should start learning how to engage the media constructively. It’s the best thing to do.
For the presenters, when next you have guests like Commodore, when you ask him a question and he begins to say he is a fed man, you will jump up and cover his mouth and say “abeg no vex, I get a new born baby for house.” Close his mouth on life TV o. Na where we find ourselves today.