Loud Whispers With Joseph Edgar

Udom Emmanuel: Who’s Your Successor?

If you have never had fun on a plane in this country, it is because you have not boarded Ibom Air before. The plane is fine, the stewardesses are sweet and the flight scheduling is ‘un-Nigerian’. So, as we descend into Uyo, the land of Afang, my mouth starts salivating as I look forward to the well-made Afang at the lush Monty Suites.

I called ahead and said, ‘mbok, let’s have the Afang and boiled plantain’ and they said, ‘ Mr. Edgar, Prince had already informed us we have enough Afang to last you for the three days you are staying’. I say well-done.=

Akwa Ibom you will agree, is beginning to look like an oasis in this ‘katakata’ we call Nigeria. Governor Emmanuel, I must say, has done creditably well. The place is working, come and see the 21-storey smart building officially opened by the Vice President, the myriad of infrastructural projects nearing completion and completed and as you move around you see a sense of fulfilment on the faces of the people and you beam with pride at your homeland.
Now here is the problem, it is Governor Emmanuel’s second term and constitutionally he has to hand over to someone else. The thing here is the real challenge of continuity. This is the usual problem with things like these in Nigeria.

So many ‘heads’ have come up. From the private sector, the public sector and even within the cabinet and some native doctors. This is the single most important decision that is facing our people today.
How do we choose someone with the mercurial aptitude to understand the level of development and trajectory the state is on? It is not only to come and mouth the usual rhetoric and when power is achieved we begin to see the kinds of magic we are seeing in our neighbouring state that has gone into an epileptic coma since my brother Duke left.

If you ask me, I would say let’s look towards a candidate with private sector and entrepreneurial experience. Someone with influential international reach but with enough girth to understand the frictions on the ground and the ability to hold down all the contending power blocks while harnessing all these into a concise bulwark to move the state along the pathway Emmanuel has set.
I already have someone in mind, but will keep it to my chest. My first task is to go and register in my local government, pick a voter’s card and get ready to contribute my own little quota.
Akwa Ibom Isongo.

SEYI MAKINDE: A PAINFUL SNUB

That is how I was watching the live broadcast of the Akwa Ibom at 34 on TV from my luxurious apartment at Monty Suites in Uyo. You will be saying that I am hailing this Monty Suite too much. Mbok, the place is a sweet boutique hotel in Uyo that just gets not only me but the ever-demanding market that is the South-south state.

Don’t let me talk too much about it before you now will come and say the complimentary Afang they gave me is making me sing like our brother who they have said, will sing once you drop food on the table.

Anyways, I watched as Seyi Makinde the handsome Governor of Oyo State, speak about his experience in Akwa Ibom as a young man. He spoke well, but I can swear he didn’t tell us all about his experience for two reasons. One madam was watching we do not need a gubernatorial smashed head and secondly it was in Church and the highly revered Reverend Sunday Mbang was seated just behind him. That one for knock am. Kai.

Anyways, that is how as I landed at the airport to board my powerful Ibom Air flight – me that I can fear to fly. Some of the airplanes in this our Nigeria, when they take off the sound you will be hearing will be making you fear for your life, but these ones, na real peace of mind.

That is how I was waiting to be sprayed with their anti-covid spray when I saw the usual people with tight suit and black glasses running towards me. I looked further and it was Governor Makinde coming towards me.
I position myself. I say make I greet my all-time favourite Governor. The things he has been doing, his position on national issues makes him my man.

So, I stand there, well-positioned. I check myself; I complete- well groomed dreadlocks, powerful satanic t-shirt, nice tattoos – all showing including the last one, one British prostitute did for me, shorts and my very expensive anklet making me look quite delicious and presidential.

Na so this bobo, just waka pass me o. He didn’t just do that. Makindeeeeee!!!!, Makindeeeee!!!!. He walked past the Duke of Shomolu the way you walk pass a neighbour as you commot for ashawo house. I look at his agbada and all the black suits running around him as I ask one fat man carrying luggage- did this man just walk pass international figure?

Me, that even the Vice President greets me and Sanwo-Olu greets too? Me that I hug Femi Gbajabiamila, Speaker of the House of Representatives and Bobo Makinde just waka pass me. I call Duchess immediately and she start to beg me, cos she know what I can do. Me that will soon write to the United Nations Secretary General to ask for a referendum on Makinde’s village before we annex am.

Me that I can ask Supreme Court to determine if Makinde is a Nigerian and not from bellicose and as a result end the governorship that is causing all these shakara.
I just pity am and leave am. He no fine like that sef, he get two pimples and he no ‘yellow’. To deal with him, I refuse to go and sit down in the VIP section and went to stay with normal people so he go pain am. Imagine.

CLASSIC FM: DOCTOR HEAL THYSEL

I had sent a message to my egbon Chris Obosi on this matter and the man just read and no reply. Well, I have brought it to the court of public opinion before this Doctor come and kill me.
That is how they have this Radio programme that is hosted by my brother, Chico that deals with men’s sexual health. That this is such a sensitive and private matter has not stopped this station in foisting on us this doctor who every time will be making person fear.

That is how the man will be shouting on air that, ‘if you cannot last 15 minutes per round, you may have erectile dysfunction, come to my clinic’. As I was trying to comprehend that one he dropped another clinger’ ‘ to really avoid prostrate issues “nack” 21 times a month’. I shout.

I went to try myself and came out six minutes. I say na lie. I try again, four minutes. I die. I start to call my people and create a survey and most people who took the survey came out with an average of six minutes. Although one person from Kaduna call say him don do 25 minutes.
I say, ‘common go and siddon, that is aided. You go don go take burantashi’. Then my brother working with Lagos State call in to report 35 minutes. I say if you don’t shut up I will slap you now. Can your Governor do two minutes that you are coming to tell me 35?

Anyways, seriously I called all the doctors I knew and they all came out with the same conclusion that the Radio Doctors claims are bogus and spurious. Alarmist and sensational were some of the words used.
What I have been reliably told by very responsible medical practitioners is that the average stay time for a full healthy man across age and other physiological and psychological barriers is between 33 seconds and 44 minutes and that the average mean is five minutes 36 seconds.

That there are so many factors that come into play from age, underlying illness, emotions, mood, partners’ skills, all sorts. So, a general statement like this is misleading and very dangerous.

I relax. So, my six minutes no mean anything.
My take is that that Radio programme is dangerous and should be CANCELLED. Men’s sexual health is a very sensitive and delicate issue and should not be discussed across the airwaves on such a huge retail platform and not least by a doctor who just throws out information like a drug seller in a molue without any reasonable caution.

We have to strike a balance between mercantilist tendencies and public safety. I don talk my own, not listening to the programme again before I go and kill myself.
Who in Lagos with all the traffic and wahala will now have the time and energy to ‘nack’ 21 times in a month? Doctor na wa for you.

INVICTUS OBI: AN INSULTING RANTI have just read a piece. An interview granted by this convicted Nigerian saying that it is insulting comparing him to his brother Hushpuppi. I clear my eyes ask myself what am I reading? The man said that he is not on the same level as Hushpuppi as he has given back to his community and that who has Hushpuppi helped?
My people, I didn’t finish reading the interview and have decided not to even comment before they turn my head into football because that is where we have now found ourselves in this country- crazy uninhibited violence.

I don’t even know why I am writing about this issue or even this person. All I will say is that in whatever we do or where we find ourselves let’s always remember that history is the best judge and history has no head that will be cut off, it will pass judgment as clinically as expected.
See who dey talk. Na wa.

CHRIS NGIGE: RUMBLE IN THE PARTY

If you have not seen the video please go and look for it. Dr Ngige was seemingly attacked. These people are not joking in that their Anambra o. Please crave me the indulgence to laugh, the thing funny well o.
So as Dr Ngige grabbed the microphone, he shouted the usual hailings in Igbo and started talking, all of a sudden one bulky man stood up walked up to him and shouted him down. Ngige stopped and first with the confidence of a Federal Minister he attempted to talk the man down, after-all he had two mopol with real guns with him and ready to annihilate any nuisance.

But this man no gree o. He continued and before you realise it the whole hall had went into a flame of violence. I start to look for my minister, I know see am again o. The sea of blows had taken him under. Then I saw his Mopol holding gun one hand and dragging minister trouser and trying to pull him to safety.
Minister cover him head as the blows were flying everywhere. It was a rumble; we could not even decipher who was for minister or not. It wasn’t funny o, by the end of the day everything scatter.

This Anambra election will not be easy o. Chief Ngige I hope madam was able to use hot water and aboniki balm to rub you down. If not come let me take you to Olive spa in Lekki for them to give you a good massage, those girls with their fingers can kill o. I will pay as my own small contribution to National development. No worries.

RENO OMOKIRI: GUTTER TALES

If there is anything I know how to do is to pick my fights. Why for the life of me will you wake up and go and look for Reno trouble. The man has shown that he is an expert in verbal warfare. The man’s mouth is worse than that of a prostitute who has just delivered services and has not been paid. That is how he will be firing per second, per second. Volleys that can maim and make you Eunuch.
That is how my brother Joe Igbokwe who APC had no other way of showing appreciation for years of servitude made him Special Adviser for drainages. In other words, the man in charge of the gutter now went and be asking Reno who he is.

That one did not waste time o. He fired back with pictures of him and Theresa May and Boris Johnson and now dared Joe to also show who he is, failing which he should go and sit down inside his gutter that remained blocked.
My people, this Reno is a wicked man o – another tongue in cheek comment for those of you out there who do not understand o.
Igbokwe even if they send you this kind thing, you cannot use style and dodge and tell them that you don’t have data. You sef carry yourself go and yab Reno, now he has finished you, how will you respond? Kai.

CHIKE AKUNYILI: BLOOD ON THE STREETS
Why, why, why, why is all I can say at this point. If there was anything as senseless as this, I will package it and throw it into the deep ocean. This gentleman was peaceful, quietly still mourning his beloved wife. Did he deserve this, such a gruesome murder? Such violence.
As he laid there on the floor with his head blasted out, he writhed in pure wicked pain as the denizens sped off and the vultures could do nothing but take pictures and videos for the whorish social media attention we weep as a nation.

Nigeria is a cauldron of blood feasted by Dracula’s children with the saints whimsy and helpless as the orgy of bloodletting continues almost unabetted.
It is now a case of who is next. Nobody is safe. It is now a Hobbesian situation – life in Nigeria is short, brutish and laborious. We are all sitting ducks waiting for whose turn it is next.
In tears I write.

DUKE OF SHOMOLU: NO SEX PLEASE

Please, let me just write this one abeg. Don’t vex. By now you will know that I was in Uyo looking for money for my new play, Ufok Ibaan, which is a depiction of the 1929 Aba Women’s riot which started in the beautiful and scenic town of Ikot Abasi in my home state of Akwa Ibom.

That is how I went to visit the place and saw the building Lord Lugard signed the Amalgamation into law in 1914. I also saw his house and then I saw the spot where the women were reportedly shot in 1929. Touching. Then I saw the points where slaves were dispatched to Europe. My people I also saw the holes where they were kept like fish before being shipped out. I even entered one of the holding places to better experience it.
When I got back to my hotel room, I was in a rush of emotions even as I was excited at the prospect of showing the power of these women who stood up against the tyranny of the colonial oppressors.

That is how it used to be when you are far from home and alone in a beautiful hotel room, I started to feel one kind. My body start to move. I say no. I am a responsible and prominent citizen of this land, I will act with decorum and not fall to the base and crass behaviour of a wanton drunken sailor.
My people, all that one is story o. My body refuse to listen to all that English. The thing was doing me one kind o. You know this Satan is real. Very real o. That is how my phone rang and it was my brother in Ibadan. He say, ‘Duke, I hear you are in Uyo’. I say yes. He say make I send woman.

I say ooohhhhhhhhhh Noooooo. Jesussssss save me. Before I could say Jack Robinson, he had sent the picture. Mbok come and see this girl. Light skinned, curvy and boxom. I died o. I say only Psalm 23 can stop me from this one o.
I say, “My brother no worry, I dey fear Covid’. He wasn’t letting up. ‘She don do test and don vaccinate twice so you are good.
The next minute I see video on my phone, ‘ Na the girl o- Duke how are you, I am just up the street. Can I come over now’. The guy had given her my number ooo Kai Abasi Mbok.
Goshhhhh. Where is my father when I need him o? I said, let me call you back. I call my brother turned pimp- why are you doing this to me? I ask him.

I am trying to be a proper citizen and will not indulge. Please stop tempting me. He wasn’t letting up. ‘Duke that is a student who likes you, she is not these kinds. She is a fan and just wants to meet you.’
I say my brother this kind meeting for midnight, ‘na beg I dey beg you, I no get the will power if she come for the meeting, I will fall and it can become scandal of international proportions like my brother Bill Cosby’. Please na no vex, help me help myself. By this time the girl is still calling o. I had been caged.
So I say, ‘Well, a man die but once let’s do this thing and get over it after-all who will know let’s fire.
So I say my bro, ‘What does this entail, this meeting and he said when she is going in the morning just give her N50,000 for cab fare.

Instantly, I lost my erection and my common sense came back. I should pay this ‘girl’ above minimum wage for wetin. Didn’t this man hear that na six minutes be my log time? What will I tell NLC Chairman who is still fighting for N30,000 minimum wage. She should now come and do six minutes and pay her Unilag lecturer one month salary.
I say if you don’t drop this phone now, I will call DSS for you. Mbok imagine.

ANTHONY JOSHUA: YOU HAVE DONE WELL

Let me quickly send a message of support to my brother who just lost all of his titles in just one night. Do not fret, you will bounce back. You are a strong Champion, our Champion, our leader and our hope.
I am not under any illusion that this is but a glitch in a powerfully inspiring career. Well-done, we still remain proud of you.

Sunday Idodo: A Powerful Renaissance
Professor Idodo is the General Manager of the National Theatre and twice in 30 days, I have met with him and other creative stakeholders to discuss his vision and plans for the National Theatre. His clarity and sense of purpose I must say is quite impressive.
Each time he makes his presentation, you see a man passionate about his calling and you can feel the abiding rush to reinvigorate the sector making it a powerful pillar as we continue the search for nationhood.
Well-done sir, I just said I should commend you and your wonderful team and to further pledge our support. God bless.