Hurt But Unbroken: A Woman’s Journey Through Relationships

Reuben Abati

Relationships form a central part of human existence. The experience of our interactions necessarily varies since human beings are never the same, nor do they share the same background or pedigree. Nowhere is this paradox most felt more than the arena of marriage: common law marriage, customary marriage, legal marriage, boyfriend-girlfriend entanglements – two persons coming together to form a union and expectedly, become one. The only caveat is that the institution of marriage is a theatre of storm, love and uncertainty. Whichever comes first or predominates is a matter really of the quality of the persons involved and the peculiarity of their shared field of experience. In the Christian Holy Book, the Bible, Adam and Eve were the first reported married persons in The Garden of Eden, an eponymous story of Creation. But it was an imperfect marriage. Eve as the Bible says, ate the “forbidden apple” and in so doing incurred the anger of God. Subsequent evolutionary experience has shown however that it is not only a woman that is likely to commit the original sin. Men have also in various Biblical accounts fallen short of the glory of God. Basic individualism separates one experience from the other, all united by the scope and depth of impact on the affected persons, others involved in their circle such as – family, friends and the ever-attentive neighbors with ears like the radio antennae. Relationships are tricky businesses. Lucky persons function in that space with good memories. Others leave with painful memories. And yet life is all about memories beyond everything else.

The book under review, Unbroken by Kikelomo Atanda-Owo is a book about memories. It is part memoir, part- catharsis. Here, Kikelomo Atanda-Owo tells the story of an aspect of her life: her relationships with family, men and women, in a melodramatic fashion. She remembers. She reflects. Unbroken is an absolutely riveting, gripping, unput-downable account of a young woman’s journey through the vicissitudes of life – from childhood to maturity, and how by herself and through the help of others – including her grandmother and two fathers, she managed to navigate the contours of an existential dilemma. She says she is unbroken nonetheless. To many readers this may across as a coping mechanism, a psychological self-compensatory choice – very much like that well-worn cliché that if life throws you a lemon, you make a lemonade out it.

This is a book reminiscent also of that ancient wisdom about how man suffers in order to learn. This is writing as catharsis, a coming of age anagnorisis, and at a subliminal level, a bit of expiation and therapy. She pours out her mind. She tells the story of her travails. She re-imagines the future. Her themes: love, trust, betrayal, humanism, relationships, circumstances and happenstance. I see a binary dimension to her narrative, encapsulated in the recollection of her relationships with men and the marriages that failed. Good men. Bad men. Good women. Bad women. A complex portraiture of human behaviour that is readily judgemental and emotional.

The big lesson that I take away from this book, Unbroken, is that it is important to never, ever under-estimate the memory of a child, a woman, a member of the family, or a wife. They may choose to tell their story, as we have seen in this book and before now, in Toke Makinwa’s On Becoming, Remi Obasanjo’s Bitter-Sweet: My Life With Obasanjo and Adewale Maja-Pearce’s The House My Father Built.

In Six Chapters, and 161 pages, with an insightful foreword written by Reverend Mother, Abimbola Esther Ajayi, Kikelomo Atanda-Owo tells a story that should be of interest to every person and a must-read for everyone that may be interested in the chemistry of relationships. Her ordeal began quite early. Her mother and dad separated. Her brothers died. Her Dad married a neighbor. Different aunties came and left in succession. She went to live with her mum, in a rather large polygamous family into which she had married, a family where fights and rancor were a daily fare. She was 10 years old. She ended up living with her paternal grandmother, a woman she refers to fondly as Alhaja, who became an undiluted source of love and affection and a guiding spirit in her life. Her dad got into another relationship with Aunty Dupe. But her problems were far from over. Her Dad’s career went Southwards. Then, Alhaja died. She went to live with her grandfather and her Dad’s younger sister, Osenutu. Her father relocated to the United States to chart a new path and move beyond the crisis that brought his career as a senior banker to an abrupt, frustrating end. She would eventually live with a man she describes as her second father, Taiwo Lakanu, a police officer. For more than ten years she spoke with her biological father only on phone. Lakanu, who became a famous policeman and retired as a Deputy Inspector General of Police played the role of father as she moved from one school to the other, battled with illness, graduated from university and later entered into her first relationship with a man as she searched for love, the dominant theme in the book.

The rest of the book is essentially taken up by this theme, and the three protagonists in this regard are: George, the man “the man who wooed me from all angles”, “he switched cars just the way people change clothes… he loved expensive accessories… automobiles, sleek automobiles were his preference and notable for his adoration of Mercedes Benz cars…” Kike fell in love. Her Dad disapproved. She disagreed. Kike and George had a wedding, a society wedding. But George turned out to be something else. It was a marriage built on a foundation of falsehood, and the automobile-loving man was not as clean as his sleek cars. He was a man of shady character as described here. Kike discovered afterwards that he even already had children from five different women, without letting her know. She too had a child for him, a boy, her first. George collected money from her father and never paid back. She had to move on.

She threw herself into work and career in many areas including the Media, Client Relationship Management. And Consultancy. Then she met Felix, who lived in a self-contained apartment while she was the Vice President of a Consulting Firm (Peculiar People Management) “living in a duplex with …luxury cars..” but she decided to “date him against all counsel, mainly because he was from a settled home” She thought she had found love: “I was the first girl he took home and that made me feel exceptional; he played a good role as a father to my son while we were dating”. It turned out that Felix was gay. The relationship ended after three years. Ironically, the best relationship she ever had.

Again she threw herself into work. But our author is an incurable romantic and lover-girl. She would soon fall in love with another man, a certain Special Adviser on Overseas Investment for Lagos State identified here as Segun. She was swept off her feet by Segun’s sweet tongue and charisma. He fitted her specification. Nigerian men and women often talk of specification when trying to choose partner as if they were buying a commodity! The women love a particular kind of men. The men seek out particular kinds of women too. They even give them labels: potable, landcruiser, Orobo, Oshodi Oke. In some other societies such labels would be considered sexist and chauvinistic Reading this book, I was shocked to discover that women have specifications too. Segun may have met Kike’s expectations as to physical appearance, but the consistent lesson is an obvious one: namely that not all that glitters is gold! George was not Gold. Felix failed the test. Segun was worse. He was the first man to pay part of the bills but he was the master of infidelity and a Mike Tyson of a husband. He punched and battered her at every opportunity. They had two kids together but Kike is still bitter and she does not hide this, about his serial infidelity, his obsession with other people’s wives and his disappointing persona. The relationship crashed.

The author moved on. Her capacity for creative reinvention is what makes her UNBROKEN. When any relationship fails, she picks up the pieces and throws herself into work: an area in which she has distinguished herself as a media entrepreneur, business coach and consultant. Ultimately, she is not defined by the relationships or the pains she has endured, but her capacity for work, her industry and her commitment to family and society. Young persons of her generation have a lot to learn from her example, and how she proves that a girl child needs not end up as anyone’s punching bag or slave.

This is a book that evokes emotions. Family members reading it will take sides, and that is natural perhaps. The men who failed the author and the children would have something to say in their own space. But will they write rejoinders? Or sue? I doubt. Kikelomo Atanda-Owo cleverly avoids using their real names. Her kiss and tell narrative is so surreal but it is her version of the truth, a product of courage, and in a sense, a feminist’s… Me- too protest against male chauvinism, masculinity and the inferiorization of women, and the negativity of patriarchy under certain circumstances. It is in general an interesting read and a bold effort. The book does not end in my view, however, because it tapers into the future, and understandably because of the possibilities ahead of the author. Our only complaint is that this book could have benefitted from better and more professional editing, and an index should also have been provided, but whatever errors that may be seen herein can, and should be, taken care of in future reprints.

Finally, this book is being presented to the public on the occasion of the author’s birthday, October 31st. Double congratulations are in order. Celebrations are also indeed in order as Kikelomo Atanda-Owo adds the tag of an author and writer to her many titles. Happy Birthday and Congratulations. UNBROKEN by Kikelomo Atanda-Owo is highly recommended for your attention and perusal.