Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Femi Fani Kayode: Lion of Apapa Roars

Guys, I have just heard one powerful gist. My egbon and major issue in Nigeria today, Chief Femi Fani Kayode has bounced back o. Remember his estranged wife, Precious or something, cannot really remember her real name had accused oga of being a dud in the other room. What better way to refute that by throwing into the equation a much more beautiful number? Come and see what I am seeing and hearing o. They say her name is Nerita and that she is a 29-year-old model and beauty queen.
They say she won the 2020 edition of the Queen of Aso International beauty Pageant. I hear she speaks English, French, Igbo and Hausa fluently.

Oh boy, the woman is fine. She looks like an Arabian Queen, the kind of lady that you will just be ‘prouding’ to tell people that you are the one ‘doing’ it.
Guess the story of not being able to ‘do’ was just a ruse to distract us.
Let me use this opportunity to beg the high chief to kindly either write a book on these matters or organise a masterclass so we can all learn the ancient art of ‘catching beauties.’ This Nerita is just madly exotic. Kai, I am shaking as I stare at her picture.

SENATOR UDOMA UDO UDOMA: A STRONG PEDIGREE
By now those of you who have been reading this column would have known that I was in Uyo to drop one of my most influential productions ever. ‘Ufok Ibaan’ depicted very graphically the Ikot Abasi women’s uprising most of us have always called the Aba Women’s riots.

The uprising was led by Madam Abia who happened to be Senator Udo Udoma’s grandmother. The story was riveting and the production was well received. It witnessed a capacity showing and all of Akwa Ibom was giddy with excitement as the production led to further engagement on the story, throwing to the front burner once again the role women have played and keep playing in the nation.

A visit to Ikot Abasi where it happened was quite emotional. You are first welcomed by a big statue of Senator Udoma’s father who was and is still one of the most eminent jurists to come out of Southeastern Nigeria.

The guide takes you through the dilapidated Amalgamation House, down to Lord Lugard’s House which is still standing and then to the spot where Madam Abia was shot with her colleagues jumping to certain death in the expansive Imo River.

This journey was an emotional one as it perfectly situated for me and the rest who made the trip the richness of our history and the pride that comes with it.
I want to thank Senator Udoma very sincerely for allowing us to tell this story. He opened up his family history, gave his full support and had his close siblings fly in from all over the world to see the production.

If you really want to have a sense of what this country is all about and the ethos with which our founding fathers built our nation on, then pay a visit to Ikot Abasi and see where selflessness, courage and love for greater good was berthed.

IBB: OSINBAJO, I DARE YOU
Osa says it was just talk as a result of a visit. That even if he leaves his about to be demolished mansion in Magodo to visit the General in Minna, he too will say the same thing about him.
I almost laughed and fell off my chair. Since when do we equate the very powerful and influential former military democrat with Village Headmaster’s Amebo who will just be talking anyhow.

Me, I beg to disagree o. IBB does not talk anyhow o. The man is known for his clear understanding of the Nigerian construct and how to manipulate it hence his eight years of – I don’t know what to call his government.

For him to come out and mention Osinbajo’s name in whatever guise or under any condition you will be doing yourself a great disservice to discount it.
Lightning has struck and until the man says another thing or calls another name, I think Osinbajo has just been thrown very seriously into the ring.

So, if that one will continue to fear his ‘jagaban’ and be doing anyhow is another matter. I think Osinbajo should man up and face the bull and come out so that we can have an exciting fight within the APC primaries.

IBB has pushed you now, don’t be doing like your brothers in Oshodi that will be running around in a fight and instead of throwing a punch will be shouting – emi… emi… Emi… ma kpae… but will not do anything.
Osinbajo, be a man and step out.

GARBA SHEHU: THE COVID OF THINGS
Let me first start by congratulating bros for his boldness and courage. We had heard that Covid had swept the whole place but I think it was only him that came out to say “Yes, I can’t feel my erection, but don’t worry I will be ok” and true to his words, as I write I have seen that he has made full recovery. Well-done bros, well-done.

You see, I have always said that there is no need for the mass hysteria that this thing has caused. Yes, it is a very serious matter but much more serious in other climes for whatever reason.
Here, our figures despite the very low incidence of testing remains far below other such diseases like malaria and the rest which keeps taking us down in the millions.

The government for whatever reasons has refused to look very seriously at the very low incidence here but instead will be spending billions of much needed resources on importing vaccines and booster, things that will not even stop the thing.

It’s funny how you will use N50,000 to test and then when positive spend less than N10,000 to treat yourself assuming you don’t have any underlying.

This is the simple reason Nigerians have ignored all the noise and have gone ahead with their lives, exchanging saliva and other bodily fluids in churches, bus tops, hotels, concerts and the rest. When they feel the slightest symptoms, they will just go take ‘agbo’ and move on.
Until we are ready to tell each other the truth at all levels of society, na malaria dey do us all. Everybody is treating malaria ooooo. Kai.

MAGODO LAND GRAB: ECHOES OF A FAILED STATE
I have a house in Magodo so I am involved. That is how one night, I saw a video on the Estate WhatsApp group posted by a lady asking us to all come out to the main gate that over 100 policemen with bulldozers and plenty area boys were about to invade the estate.

If you know me very well, you will know that that kind of message is not meant for people like me. Me, I used to go the opposite direction when I hear that kind of clarion call. So, I drove past the estate and went straight to Mowe to turn and drive through Isheri enter Ogba and pass through Fela Shrine to hit Ikorodu road and end in Shomolu from where I monitor things.

I call all my people inside Magodo and beg them not to answer the woman, that it is a devil cry. That #EndSARS panel report has been binned so why would we now come and go and be trying ourselves with policemen who are under orders and would most likely be drunk.

My people, by morning the story was unraveled. Some landowners had won a Supreme Court judgement to take over the estate after 39 years. So, they had come to execute the judgment.

You see where arbitrariness has taken us into this country. Government will just wake up one day and collect land from people just like that without compensation and nothing and go ahead and be selling the same land to their friends and cronies who in turn will now sell to some hard working and honest Nigerians who now make up the majority of ‘settlers’ in the estate.

This same government, seeing that there is a court case that they have lost at the lower court levels and is looking like they will lose at the Supreme Court level will now continue to sell the same land and issue authentication documents like Governors Consent and CofO on a disputed land? Na wa.
Mbok, if na individual do this one now, is that not 419?

Today we have two sets of displaced and very angry Nigerians: the original landowners and those of us inside the estate who did nothing wrong but do business with a government we thought had sense.
How Lagos State Government will now solve this one is what we are waiting to see. Arbitrariness happens when institutions of state have been weakened and personified leading us to one small road called anarchy.

Can we put serious people in Government please? Can we just try this once in 2023 to put credibility in government by the choices we make? If this can happen in Magodo then nobody is safe. I tire.

GEN FARUK YAHAYA: A SOLDIER IN LOVE
Did you guys see the very romantic video of the youth corps member proposing to the soldier? It was so, so lovely and sweet. The young soldier, blushing and not believing her luck, quickly agreed and ended up in detention.

Kai, her mistake, she should have immediately rushed home to change and come back or better still resign before agreeing and kissing the boy. But in a crowded market with so many very beautiful youth corps girls lurking around, she didn’t want to take her chances. Mbok, to hell with the Nigerian Army, she would have said in her mind as she jumped with khaki and kissed the boy.

Public reaction to her detention was immediate. Even me, I shout for here o. Why arrest and detain someone for doing only what is natural because she is in uniform. When you were putting young people in different uniforms in one camp and say “you, you are corper and you, you are soldier” and did not expect for a rat to find the cheese, na you get problem.

Let me surprise you General, things have been happening in camp toilets and bushes behind the Mammy market before you see that public declaration of love. That is not how these young people do it o. They would have been doing nookie long time and the young soldier would have said, “look if you don’t do the right thing, no more.”

Seriously, I think our Armed Forces should leverage on things like this to achieve a softer image for the forces especially now that we are fighting a serious guerilla war. A softer image will also inspire more youths to join the forces, boost the morale of those already inside and generally make the Army a favourable destination for the young.

All these could be done without compromising the strict code of conduct that is needed to maintain regimental discipline and the rest.
I really express my gratitude to the Army Chief for authorising her release. It is the right thing to do.
One question though, Sir, there is one soldier near my house here, I live near Marda Barracks, it’s looking like I am liking her. Should I wait for your reforms before I approach or should I just let her carry her wahala go?

UCHE NWOSU: TRAGEDY OF A CONDEMNED STATE
I couldn’t get a harsher title for this post. If you saw the video and the narration behind the arrest of this man you will cry for this country.

Even Hitlers Gestapo will cringe with shame at this occurrence. Someone was in church at his mother’s outing service and you rushed into the church, firing from all angles as reported, grabbed him and rushed him into a car and drove off. You didn’t stop at that; you now send us pictures of him in his underwear and in handcuffs and later in the evening you release him.

If this is not madness I don’t know. Under which law was this effected. Even if this was a treasonable case or if he was a mass murderer, couldn’t you be at least professional in handling this.

This is what scares the rest of us about this nation. Firing live ammunition inside a church, grabbing and assaulting innocent people including wives and other dignitaries only to release the man that same day.
Confusion is just killing me here. That state has gone to the dogs and it’s looking like it is a place where anything goes.

I thank God I have no business there and will never find myself in that place for any reason. Me, I don’t have the patience for this kind thing because I will just vex and slap somebody. What rubbish. Hobbesian.

GOVERNOR ZULUM, LEAVE US ALONE.
Please leave us alone o. It is our right to compare and if we are comparing how does it concern you?
Look at the stats – 956,453 houses, 665 municipal buildings, 5,335 classrooms, 201 health centres and 726 power stations. Now despite that your state has been in a state of war for the past 12 years, see what you are doing under the circumstances.
And you say we should not compare to other states who in a relatively peaceful environment have nothing to show for it.

Mbok, we will compare o. It is our right and you stand clear. Stand clear before I vex and come and give you small knock. Let us cry with the pestilence that we are facing in other states where the people are suffering like slaves.

Please my brother kindly concentrate on what you are doing, you remain a true example of cascading leadership – selfless, innovative and God fearing.
For your colleagues, history never fails to judge. History will surely vindicate Nigerians who have really done nothing wrong but to vote and allow ‘bushmen from the Kalahari Desert’ emerge as governors in some states. Shameful.

CAROLINE SOSU: THE MATRIARCH I LOVE
Madam Caroline is a great grandmother with a long line of good deeds around her. It was her birthday during the week and she said, “Edgar, come and eat rice.” I was just coming in from Uyo and was a little tired but I rushed into a wine shop and got a very expensive bubbly.

I do not joke with this lady, because of her philanthropic approach to life. This mother-in-law to a former governor remains a shining light in this country with the way she engages the less privileged especially widows.

She would say, “Edgar, I be widow o,” and I would reply, “No be your kind widow we dey talk about.”
I have raised quite a considerable sum for widows in the last four years. We have done over N50 million in small, small contributions from my friends and associates and Mrs Sosu is standing there o.

She is always the first to say, “Edgar, send account number, God will bless you.”
She never ceases to amaze me. She is always giving and not to only me, she will be giving and she would say, “Oya Edgar let’s give to this and I would say, “Mummy calm down. We no dey the same income bracket o. Me, I still get school fees.” She would laugh.

Let me wish her a very happy birthday and God’s continued blessing and good health. May your beauty never wane, it is your good heart that keeps you looking more beautiful at your age than Instagram slay queens who are looking more and more like plastic mannequins. God bless you Ma.

SAMMY AND INYANG EDGAR: SYMPHONY OF AN ORPHAN
Last January, I was orphaned. My mum, Mrs Inyang Ibok Edgar passed away. She was 76 years old. I was too afraid to go hug her as she struggled with her last breath. I just stood there like a fool and watched her go.

I was numb with fear because this was exactly six months after my wife Mena passed. I was just asking myself, what was going on. What will happen now, who is next? Will I be next?
Questions that I was afraid to seek answers to. My father on his own had gone almost 10 years ago. Both of them going the same way – Diabetes and BP.

Till he passed, they still loved themselves with a mad passion we did not understand. I even suspected they were still doing sef, because they bathed together till the very end.
I still remember how they used to sit at the back of our Fola Agoro Shomolu home to devour large bowls of Afang and drown it with baba sala Coke.

Today, they are no more but not before siring 17 descendants made up of children, daughter and son in-laws and grandchildren.

We are celebrating them with a powerful and exciting choral and classical concert to be rendered by a very powerful 50-man choir who will sing all of their favourite hymns and classicals. It will be mad and I will once again stand aside and cry my heart out.
And you will not believe that I was the most stubborn o. Kai.