Loud Whispers With Joseph Edgar

Gov Babajide Sanwo-Olu: The Reality TV Star

Our Governor is a TV Star in the mold of the Kardashians. His TV presence is remarkable and you never miss it.
Scurrying around the metropolis and catching people driving one way on live TV and doing so many gubernatorial things all over the place with his make-up artists and TV crew complete.

Who is to blame him especially at these times of social media where everybody is a reporter and everybody is telling stories? Is it not better as a governor to carry your own team and tell your own story before they come and be saying you are pointing finger all over the place?
That is how the next episode was to be shot at Magodo. Those ones have been having sleepless nights as a result of a detachment of hungry and angry-looking policemen suddenly appearing in their estate.

For two weeks they have been stationed there, not having their baths and masturbating to release tension from the boredom of watching rich Yoruba men drive cars they will never drive in their lifetimes all in the name of being on standby to demolish beautiful Yoruba mansions.

That is how the people of Magodo, being tired of sleeping with their wives with one eye at the door hoping the wrecking balls will not commence now took to the gates to protest.
I have never seen this one before. The ‘enemy’ was already inside the estate and we now faced the main gates and locked them with the hungry looking policemen inside.

Anyways, this caught the attention of our reality TV Star Governor who said, ‘Oya, it’s time for Super Jide to fly in and make a rescue.’
He moved in, bringing along his recently promoted but humbled Commissioner of Police who tried to hide under one big transparent face shield hoping that the Magodo Brooks people will not recognise him.

Remember, that one had just shot his own skit some few days ago. So, to avoid any embarrassment, he tucked in the apology letter from cowardly BOT Chairman in his back pocket and stood there very quietly behind “RMD’’ as he struggled for good TV ratings.
Jide did well. I always love him in that space. The TV was sending live feeds all over the world and his confidence grew by the minute.

Everybody calm down, he said. Wondering if the make-up was well done. The last time, they didn’t quite get it. He didn’t like the way he looked when he was speaking to the woman who was trying to justify driving one way.
Anyways this was Magodo, he had just saved the place from being turned into a huge IDP camp so he must enjoy the moment.

He spoke glowingly and passionately; he was the best Governor ever. Who is Jagaban or Babakekere or that Big head Ambode? He was the man.
The next minute, he called the CSP of police. “Who is your Oga and how many of you are here?’ he asked?

The CSP look at him funny. Wait o. Something is wrong here. Nobody told Oga Jide that this was not LASTMA. Wahala on live TV. This ‘goro’ munching idiot wants to embarrass us on live TV.
He tried a second time – ‘I say call your oga and tell him you are infront of His Excellency or else I will knock you’
The police that did not go to Police College and as such not understanding the superiority of civil force over him and his oga responded, ‘Look, I don’t know who you are and you cannot be talking to an officer like this because you wear brown Guinea brocade.’

Yepa, Jide screamed. His make-up drooping from his face. He turned and whispered to the AG – kila ma tishe bayi, bobo mallam nyi fe embarrass wa.’ (loosely translates ‘What are we to do now? This mallam is bent on embarrassing us.’
AG with Bowtie wey no like trouble say ‘Oga let’s enter staff bus and make call’.
‘Malami, why is your man embarrassing me like this na. You know this loudmouth Duke of Shomolu is inside this Magodo and that one will start yabbing me anyhow. I don’t like this o’Malami responded, ‘My brother Jide, don’t vex. You know this IG get as he be. Leave am I will sort it. Jide responded, ‘Oya better sort it out o, you know I know where to catch you’.

He now turns to the camera man, ‘Can we delete the thing? That one says no sir, it was live and has gone out but don’t worry, let’s go to LASU tomorrow and sing some Aluta songs again with the student Union People and this Magodo episode will be forgotten.
Jide screamed, ‘Brilliant. Oya, what will I wear……Lol.

OLUBADAN: AN ENDURING LEGACY

For those of you who do not know, let me say it here again. I have a very strong affinity for Ibadan; that is the town I first got an ‘isho’ from beautiful Toyin while at the University of Ibadan. My love for Ibadan didn’t just end there but continued straight to Bodija where I met and married the immortally beautiful but now late Mena Joseph Edgar. Ibadan especially Bodija is my third home so I am an interested party.

So, when the news of the demise of the highly respected Olubadan reached me, I dropped all I was doing to pay my homage. I was near a sweet bowl of Afang looking to tasting it in preparation for the official visit of my friend and brother – Yemi Odusanya, a director at Keystone Bank – I stood up in a minute of silence and ended it with a quick prayer for the repose of his soul.

The next thing I did was to rush to the list of possible successors to see where my brother Biodun Kola Diaisi was nestled. His road far sha. I saw his name at number six. I just smile. Imagine if Biodun was Olubadan, my suffering in this Nigeria don end o.
Anyways, Ibadan remains a very important city. Home to an enduring traditional stool, a bastion of culture and the seat of postmodern academic and institutional structures that has kept its influence through the years.

The seamless way in which a successor was announced going further to strengthen its position as a major centre of socio-political influence.
Let me wish my in-laws well as they peacefully and seamlessly transition from one era to a new one. God bless Ibadan and God bless the new Olubadan and Biodun my brother, you can still come for the afang but come with palm wine so we can toast to the health of our new Olubadan. Beautiful people.

Governor Wike: Please Stop This

This man sha like to look for trouble. Shebi he wants me to stop visiting Port Harcourt. The only real tourist attraction and the activity that used to make a lot of people brave the insecurity and covid to fly in on the weekends, he now wants to carry that his croaky voice to scatter it now o.

He suddenly wakes up one morning to ban nightclubs and sex workers. If you see the way the sex worker own is paining me, you will think I am the father of the industry.
Wike thinks because he is in his second term, he can be putting his finger in our collective eyes. No wonder the President of the Sex Workers Association of Nigeria one Ms. Amaka Enemo has taken him to task by asking him if their matter was his real problem. She asked if he had sorted the other major issues like insecurity and the rest before he will now come and be disturbing them with this busybody type thing.

I think there is something wrong with Wike, sex and hotels. Remember, when he went and brought down a whole hotel during Covid pandemic and now this.
For me, the best way to fight this one is for Ms. Amaka to do like AMCON and get all her members to threaten to release the list of all of their customers and you will see how Wike will start giving them bursary awards and oil blocs.
Mbok laugh wan kill me.

DOYIN SALAMI: I AM CONFUSED

I saw the announcement. They say they have appointed my erudite lecturer, Professor or is it Dr. Doyin Salami the President’s Chief Economic Adviser. Please correct me if I am wrong o. I thought he was already in that position with jerry curl superstar, Bismark Rewane and Governor- elect Charles Soludo.

Well, whatever the case, they have made the appointment and work has started. Bro, this thing I am sure will be very hard because I am not seeing the kind of advice you will give daddy at this late hour that will turn anything around. But what can we do, enjoy the ride, do the things you like doing -postulating on TV, get powerful invites to speak at glamourous events and just generally enjoy the star status until it’s over. Abi, what else can we do as Adviser to people who don’t even understand why we have a forex situation and are still talking about cattle grazing routes when people are going to space to make love? God is in control.

DR. TOPE FASUA: BREAKS THE INTERNET

I love words and I die for a beautifully written prose. I have some favourite columnists and essayists. Let me mention a few- Segun Adeniyi is a master. His flow is asymmetrical and he just delivers with the ease of well-made butter. Dele Momodu is another king. I don’t agree with his self-adulation and his politics most of the time but he writes beautifully. My oga Simon Kolawole is another master. His writings are usually laced with facts and the logic will just be beating you to submission.

In the past, people like Ndaeyo Uko, Dele Giwa and Chiji Emuchay brought me up as a skinny naked boy in Shomolu standing on the street and reading my Weekend Concord and Guardian while my contemporaries were busy in the gutter trying to catch tadpole.
Tope Fasua is a renaissance king. He is different and has done to intellectual writing what Andre Bocelli did to classical music. He simplified it and made it accessible to a larger audience. Yes, Tope has made deep pseudo academic writing accessible to even the bus conductor.

For some time now he has been contributing to my online platform- thealvinreport.com. The Alvin report is a serious portal that takes essays from over 40 PhD holders and other experts on the economy, impact, finance and leadership.

Tope is king. His article on the biggest ‘Armed robbery about to happen’ went virile and reached over 200,000 people triggering responses from all over the world. He has followed that up with another hit, ‘Do your children a favour- die poor’.
Mbok, as I write, that one has crossed the 10,000-readership mark in less than 24 hours. Why is he such a powerful writer you may want to ask?
This former presidential candidate writes from the position of fervent love for his country. He is punchy, fearless and mad. He uses his total control of the English language to simplify his arguments without losing its essence as he drops bombs after bombs.

Reading Tope is like devouring a well-made bowl of Afang. The sanguine taste rolling down your tongue before slowly engaging your throat on its way down to nestle ever so sweetly in your bowels.
Whenever I read Tope, I feel fulfilled. I smile and just go to bed with a huge smile. Well done bro, just had to do this for you. You deserve more.

SHEHU SANI: A SWEET SLAP

If there is anything I enjoy much more than a pot of you know what, it is a beautiful clap back. Our politicians are the best in the world. If you see the way they yab themselves, you will just be wondering at their brilliance. The choice of words, the timing and the platform of use are all so deliberately deployed to ensure maximum effect.

The best recently is the one between my brother the afro-haired Senator Shehu Sani and the APC spokesman in Kaduna – Salisu Wosunu.
Senator Sani had fired the first shot. In announcing his candidacy for governorship under PDP, he had said that if elected, he would sweep away the rubbish the APC had done all over the state. That was classic, a well-timed blow with a powerful alignment with the broom which is a symbol of the ruling party.

Mbok, come and see the clap back. Wonu was a marvel kai. He said, ‘Governance was for serious minded people and not for jobless bloggers. Kaiiiiiii, that is what in Shomolu we call – babanla Isho.

Laugh almost kill me. This man finish Senator o and it is true. That is how senator will be on social media and talking and talking. The other day, he sent us a picture of himself in a hotel room complaining that his wife was asking him who took the picture. Kai.

Wosonu didn’t end there, seeing that Senator was reeling from the blast, sent in the killer punch. He went in for the kill, reeling out the achievements of his principal Nasir El-Rufai naming the just completed waterworks and the over 255 primary health centres. Na wa.
My advice to senator is to calm down, retreat, go strategise and come back again. He should not try to come back immediately o, he will be too weak to put up a good fight. Wosonu don win this one.

ICAN/ANAN: IN A VERY BAD PLACE
That is how I put up an advert that I was looking to hire an investment banker in the Corporate Finance and Advisory part of my business and almost 600 accountants applied o.
My people, fear catch me. The calls just kept coming – hi, my name is Sani Abacha and I am an accountant- my people, they disturb me o: texts, WhatsApp messages, emails. They called my sister, my madam and six of my side chicks.

As I write the deluge is still going on. Accountants all over the country are ‘attacking’ me o just for one vacant position that they are not even qualified for. An investment banker especially in such a technical and specialised area cannot be an accountant. Yes, they can work together but na totally different thing.

So, I started asking around why there was so much pressure on me from these professionals. What I found out was eye opening. Technology has taken them out. So many apps that are doing their work rendering their services almost obsolete.
So, the traditional services provided by the accountant is really no longer required in the dynamic work place that is technology driven today.

The need to rework their training, reengage their industry and realign with the present and immediate future requirements is very critical and imperative.
All that credit and debit, punching calculator and keeping accounts, wearing big black suit and long tie and going to the bank need to change o.
Not only accountants, almost all professions now will just have to realign themselves if not they will be pushed to redundancy – yes, Lawyers with your black gowns na una I dey refer to.
Scary.

ALIBABA: A BEFITTING START
January 1st every year meets a lot of people at the Eko Hotel with Alibaba. His show is the one that always opens the year and this year he did noble. With a strong medical theme in honor of our medical frontline workers, this year’s show was simply magical.

He gave out awards to all the isolation centres, gave respect to the Lagos State Commissioner of Health who was there and got all performers to dress like medical workers and all complied except loud mouth AY, who just had to wear his new dress which had his face on it.
I had fun. Falz was magical; Faze was superlative. The comedians especially Kenny Blaq were on point and the food was good.
Well done bro.

TAYO OBISANYA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIR
Chief Tayo Obisanya or Tayo Suleja like we call him is celebrating his 72nd birthday. To say Baba Mushin is my number one fan is an understatement.
He reads me on all of my platforms, comments and calls to discuss the issues raised. He too will be sending me his own posts and we will be shouting and celebrating together.

The other day, he called that one of his friends after reading this column bought me champagne that I should come and collect. He sent me the picture of the drink but I could not go because I was in Uyo, so I sent for the wine.
Daddy is such a likeable personality. His sense of humour is out of this world. He says he loves journalists and has close friends who are very important columnists including Femi Adeshina and the likes.

He says, I deserve to be on his roll call of important columnists, I don’t agree with him but he insists and makes it a point to forward all of my posts to the masters.
Funny enough, we have never met even though he lives at Mushin which is just next door to me.
Happy birthday daddy and say me hello to mummy and I hope things are still happening in the other room, if not I will send you Friska tea. Kai, you go shout daddy. Have fun and wishing you God’s protection.

MUDI DRAGS RMD TO ACCRA

If I say this thing is not paining me, I am lying. This Mudi is not to be trusted. Last year, I was at this world respected fashion event in Accra. It was me, Mudi, RMD, Kelechi Amadi Obi and super influential journalist, Azuka Ogunjiuba.

That is how last month Mudi called me that I should prepare for this one o. Also organised by KOD and also pulling designers from as far afield as Morocco, South Africa, Togo, Nigeria and the host country, Ghana.

It was billed to honour our own RMD with a legendary award for his contribution to African Entertainment. RMD was to also walk the runway for Mudi exactly as he did last year.
That is how, Mudi no pick my call again o. I call this Warri man tire; the phone will not answer. The next thing I start to see pictures of the events. The pictures were so beautiful especially as Mudi’s pieces took the spotlight.

The thing is still paining me o. That is why when he came for my mother’s memorial, I just look am, instruct that if anybody serve the skinny man my Afang- I will release their nude picture. Imagine!