Loud Whispers With J0SEPH EDGAR

A Stern Warning to Jonathan

It’s like you do not really know what they call a legacy. It is looking like that walk you walked as a kid without shoes is still disturbing you hence these kinds of funny things you have been doing. You are consulting, you are watching, you may decamp and contest? Does this even make sense?

Look, sir, let me talk to you in a language you will understand. I will talk to you the way I will talk to my paddy- Lami because you are toying with the lives of over 200 million people.

You must think this is a joke, playing ‘tumbo-tumbo’ with our fates. Do you know the implication of this move?

A former President, decamping to another party to recontest? This will be the ultimate banana republic move. This — if effected — will finally destroy what is left of our ‘mumu’ democracy. A democracy that has been played without principles, without ideology and without long term concerns for the long-suffering masses.

So because people have been saying, “in Jonathan’s time dollar was…” you sef, you are thinking you have a messianic streak and want to come and save us. Mbok, whoever is sending you, tell the person that you are not at home. It is not your kind of ‘weak’ leadership that we would be fighting for after eight years of pestilence.

What we need is a visionary and sure-footed Moses to lead us out of the wilderness and not a bowler hat-wearing, soft-spoken, ex-Zoologist abeg.

Mbok, mummy come and collect your husband o, ‘jangrover’ play is over abeg. We are no longer playing.

Tonye Cole: About Time

I hope I am hearing correctly. My brother the great Mr. Tonye Cole has been nominated as a consensus candidate for the APC in Rivers State. If this news is true, I will be happy o. What better time to sneak into Wike’s backyard than now when he is all over the country pushing for a presidential run that is more comic than anything.

For me, Cole represents a new crop of vision-driven leadership that we pray this election cycle should throw up.

Cole went back to school and when I asked him why? He said he needed to arm himself before jumping into politics. He went to Harvard, came back and enrolled at the National Institute of Policy and Strategic Studies or something at Kuru near Jos. He took his studies very seriously – he never came for any of my plays during the period.

The people of Rivers now have the opportunity to put principled leadership in their Government House. Let’s see how it pans out. I really do pray Cole emerges.

With Akan Udofia in Akwa Ibom, and Cole in Rivers, the revolution just may be starting. Let’s keep praying and keep our fingers crossed.

Patience Ozokwor, Zack Orji and Friends

Someone sent me a clip made by these legendary actors including the one they call Gucci asking for fair play and equity regarding the presidency and its relations to the South-east.

Although the concept is stale, I am still very impressed with the route they have taken. You see politics is about politics and influence. These are very influential actors and they have decided to use their popularity and influence to sway public opinion towards a position very dear to their hearts and my heart.

Instead of rooting for violence or wearing Biafran in scripted caftan and sharing bread near the Onitsha market, they have decided to be strategic and systematic.

Not that the mumu people who control these things would listen, it will at least go a long way to affect and attempt a change in the narrative, especially in the minds of the youths who have been assailed with the negativity of secession and all that long story of the so-called marginalisation of the Igbos.

Truth is that if something deliberate like zoning is not executed at the levels of the main parties, it will be hard for us to see an Igbo presidency. Simply because of their numerical disadvantage and their inability to throw up their very best. Shey you see the people coming out from the South-west and see the ones Igbo people are throwing up. In a free and fair election, can Okorocha or Orji Kalu hold a candle against even Dele Momodu before we even mention dem Osinbajo?

Peter Obi is there o, they will not rally around him. Instead, every spare part dealer and small Igwe is declaring up and down watering that one’s base in the East.

But the Igbos have a lot to offer this country in terms of entrepreneurial leadership, especially at this time when things are awry with the economy. They have a lot of strong human capital and energy they can bring to bear on the presidency if given the opportunity.

I am very big on the Igbo presidency and sincerely do hope that like these artists they would eventually put their act together and make a concise and robust approach to the issue. You cannot cry and beg for the presidency, you must deliberately want it. Simple.

Orji Kalu: A Sensible Decision

One of the greatest news I heard during the week, was the withdrawal from the presidential race of Mr. Orji Kalu. Kalu amid a controversial corruption trial declared his intention to run for the presidency.

For me, that declaration made a total mockery of our processes, our system and our democracy. Not that he didn’t have the right, but you sef look am na. Can this man stand for election in Britain or the US or even South Africa for our backyard?

I don’t even know what they have said about his conviction, I just see am for TV one day as he dey celebrate. But even with that, will he be able to scale through a tiny screening exercise? Would DSS have cleared him in good conscience? E be like say he himself knew and was just rabble-rousing so let me calm down abeg, before my Afang cold.

Whatever the case is, I am very happy that this has happened and I pray it will open the doors for the rest who have the same tainted life to spare us the pain and just back out. A cleansing of the system must happen if we are to move forward as a nation. People like this should be featured in a TV documentary ‘Police and You’.

Emeka Nwajuiba: Regrets! Regrets! Regrets!

I am man enough to know where I have messed up. I messed up big time with this bobo and I hereby issue a full apology to all Nigerians and will not stop at that, I will suspend eating Afang for a whole one week in penance.

So, I have known Emeka for years now through my former best friend, Ebiere Raine now Ibekwe. He was our customer at Habib Bank and had just won the elections to the House of Representatives. He was young, handsome and visionary. He talked a lot about a different Nigeria and we connected. His arguments were persuasive, giving us hope.

Then he tried to be Governor of Imo State and failed woefully; went into oblivion and emerged as Buhari’s Minister of State for Education.

Now my regrets. I had scanned the environment and at some point, this year zeroed in on him as a perfect candidate that could tick all the boxes. Young, urbane, intelligent and smart, right positioning and finally Igbo.

He would solve all the issues. So, I went to town throwing up his names in different circles. But people were hissing and doing ‘mtchew’ as I spoke. I didn’t know why. When I asked, they would say “Who? Emeka? Abeg call another person.”

So today, my stupidity has dawned on me. Emeka as junior Minister of Education superintending a comatose sector with ASUU on an indefinite strike now has the guts to go and collect form with N100m as reported.

Even if they borrow him the money or na grant from the association of deaf and dumb of his village, he will not have the common sense to see that the optics was not right? ASUU on strike, federal education at its lowest with some students in captivity and no real concrete achievement since appointment to respect himself and go and eat Isi ewu and rest?

So, you see my regret. Emeka please go and collect that money back and go and use am open microfinance bank because that will better serve the people.

Presidency not for ‘little men’. Yes, I said it, come and beat me and I will run and hide inside ASUU National Secretariat. Come there na. Ntoiiii!.

Yemi Osinbajo: Bold and Beautiful

Remember I had said that his declaration didn’t make a thud. Be like say someone had told him and he decided to disgrace me. His latest move in Ogun State was massive.

It showed that a boy is now becoming a man. A man who is ready. Now, this is what we have been saying since. Show some spine mbok. So, they appointed you Attorney General and they supported you to the presidency, they must now come and be holding your balls?

Yemo has grown balls o! Oya read his latest salvo: “I will not spend two years trying to decide what to do.”

That na Buhari he shag so ooo.

Here is another one: “Everywhere I have served, I have served with utmost loyalty and commitment. I have put my reputation on the line – sometimes my life.”

That na Tinubu.

My people, are you not all excited? Yemo don wake up and he is not taking prisoners. Everybody must be cleared as we progress towards the Presidency.

This is what we have been saying since o. Let the ‘roforofo’ begin, because me, I don’t understand all that – he made him.

Made who? Person that was a full Professor of Law before we came back from Chicago. Person that was a full SAN before they completed Third Mainland Bridge and they will be saying someone made him and he too will be doing like it’s true they made him.

The climax will be a full debate between father and son, then we will know that we are ready for true democracy.

Mbok between these two, who made who? Me, I know the answer and will tell anyone who can buy me Afang with snails and ekwong. I will sing. I no get principles.

Makinde Adeniran – let me say something

I have never written about this gifted gentleman, maybe because his huge Wole Soyinka type grey hair scares me. I had met him through Prof Ahmed Yerima just as we were about to start work on ‘Aremu’, my play on Chief Obasanjo.

Prof told me that we will need Makinde but when Makinde showed up at my house, I ran away. At the University of Ibadan, I had snatched one pirate girlfriend so anytime I see people that look like Prof Soyinka, fear used to catch me. But at second glance, he was lean. I can beat him in a fight.

I loved his work ethic, the smoothness of his delivery and his transparency. So, the morning after we delivered Aremu, as I was coming out of Chief Obasanjo’s private quarters, I saw Makinde standing there. I said “Bro, can you deliver ‘Awo’ for me” and he gave me a confident “Sure.”

Makinde went ahead to deliver the very powerful ‘Awo’ which got audiences crying and clapping. Mbok, if you did not see ‘Awo’ you have really missed. But don’t worry, we are bringing it back in December.

So, it was only just a natural trajectory for me to tap him again to deliver ‘Baba Kekere’. My people, Makinde said there will be no script. It will be derived. I said abeg no fear me o. First Bank and Purple have dropped money o. No joke o.

The man said don’t worry. But I was worried. I should not have. When he delivered ‘Baba Kekere’ at the prestigious Muson Centre, the world came to a standstill. He recreated the Kuramo beach on stage, complete with Jakande’s famed Toyota crown. Come and see the applause. The Jakande family in attendance stood in rousing welcome and saluted his creativity.

Well done my brother. I know you will kill it again at the Glover Hall this Sunday when the command performance will be held. Wow.

Bikiya Graham Douglas: Beauty in Pains

Bikiya is my favourite person. My sister, confidant and collaborator. She is in pain as I write. She just lost her great father, former minister and member of the PDP Board of Trustees, Chief Tonye Graham-Douglas.

He passed away in Abuja last week after a brief illness. I have spoken to Bikiya and she is keeping strong. A strong lady o. You people don’t know her o. She is one of the most wonderful people you can ever find.

My condolences to the whole family and my sister Ibiso. Pele, it cannot be easy but Allah will wrap you in His huge wings. It is well.

Yul Edochie: A Tale of Two Wives

Nigerians have started. Every week, a new scandal. This week, it is actor Yul who has come out to celebrate his new son and his second wife. The first wife has said, she leaves them to God and the puritans have gone to town in their white garment in the usual hypocritical rants.

You see people like me and Yul have outgrown all that rubbish. The Duchess had once long ago gone to report me to her pastor and that one summoned me.

“Mr. Edgar, we hear that you have a child outside.”

 “I don’t understand the word ‘outside’.”

 “You took a vow.”

My curt reply was “So?”

 I should throw away my pikin because of a vow? Mbok, the President didn’t take a vow to protect us? Have bandits not finished all of us, Has the vow killed him? Mbok, leave me o.

You see, what we have today are ‘weak’ men and that is why society is like this. So, a man will wake up, carry himself and go and give someone bele and be hiding because of what people will say. So, the woman you gave bele is not someone’s child? The pikin she born for you does not have rights?

Please, I respect Mr. Yul. He came out boldly without any shame to celebrate his wife and son. That is the right thing to do. If you can dip it, you must stand by it.

I stand by it. I have no shame; I stand by the results of my activities and I think if every man can be like this, we will have a stronger society.

Not like that Sammie Okposo who was grovelling and apologising to everybody including his errant organ for being a man. Coward from the Lilly Valleys.

Yul, you are a man. Stand by your family. Stand by your wife and son. Talk to your first wife, don’t allow her to go anywhere. She has four children for you. Contain your family, cordon them off from the Pharisees and make them whole.