Loud Whispers With Joseph Edgar

Tinubu: Let Me Get Fearless with You

=You see, I have had a lot of approaches from people who say, “Edgar, slow down on this Tinubu matter.” But the more I think of it, the arrogance of it all riles me. This thing is very simple and the question is also very simple: did you go to a primary school? And if you did, which? Did you go to a secondary school? And if you did, which?

This cannot be rocket science. These two questions cannot be the main issue in a country of over 200 million people where we have serious challenges including insecurity. It is quite unfortunate that these two questions are now taking so much of our attention over and above the major issues that we face as a nation.

Look, ‘Baba mi’ my real anger is not even with you, it is with the learned ‘fools’ who will thrash a CV that looks like yours in a job interview for a position of clerk in their offices and yet are here saying the constitution says minimum qualification is secondary school and since you have Chicago, you are good.

I went into a heated argument with someone  who had asked me during an interview 20 years ago why I didn’t graduate with a second class upper and that I had a ‘P’ in Mathematics in WASC and as such cannot work in a bank and today, he is telling me to turn a blind eye to your inability to point to any secondary school you attended in the whole of this country as we consider you for presidency.

I told him, if not for his age and that we were chatting, I would have driven to wherever he is to slap him. So, I couldn’t get employed in his ‘yeye’ bank because I had a ‘P’ in Mathematics in WASC but yet he is now wanting me to vote for you without secondary school certification for the highest post in the land.

Two things are very annoying in this matter. The first being the hypocrisy and the arrogance of it all. Your people are saying, the constitution says a minimum of secondary school and since you have been able to show tertiary, we are ok. Big lawyers ooo, big intellectual people o. What kind of nation is this? Lies, perjury, perfidy now being the order of the day. The moral fabric is totally destroyed by an elitist enclave who cares for nothing but their own selfish gains. What kind of country are we leaving for our children? No wonder the youths want nothing to do with us; no wonder they look at all of us as bastards. Yes, that is the word for us to fashion a country along these lines, we must be bastards.The second thing is the effrontery in trying to ‘rough’ this thing. That means you and your team have no real respect for us. You have ‘seen us finish’, after all, are we not hungry? Because if there is respect, you will not dare try this thing you are doing. The information you gave in 1999- filed and documented- is totally different from what you are saying here. Mbok, if this is not ‘see finish’ me I don’t know what else to call it.

Baba mi, with great respect, let me conclude by adding that you will emerge from this mess with a legal technicality – na your way – but you will lose all moral capital and be weakened by it all.

This further strengthens my position from the very first whispers of your ambition that, ‘you will win this presidency but you will be severely weakened by the moral baggage you carry and may spend the first few years of your presidency struggling to shore up a battered image. Your presidency will not be iconic, it will just be one fighting different fires emanating from the mystery surrounding your pedigree and other wahala you will attract as a result of this shadowy thingy.

For me, I withhold my support, which really does not matter to you and your huge followers until something is categorically said about the certificates. Count me out of that campaign. I’m sorry. Simple.

Even You Too, Kabiru Masari?

Why am I not surprised sef? Even looking at this one, you will not be surprised that he has ‘lost’ all of his certificates. These people just take us for complete fools. As dem give am placeholder in a warped and jaundiced process, he too react appropriately. “I have lost my certificates,” he screamed.

How he was cleared during screening just shows that we have totally destroyed the main fabrics of the system. The system has been so weakened that no institution is spared. Everything is totally destroyed on the table of avarice and selfish and inordinate ambition.

See judiciary, when 14 Supreme Court justices can force out a whole Chief Justice of the Federation on so many shameful grounds. That one is unfolding and the mess is beginning to stench to high heavens.

Let me tell these shameful politicians, that I am Joseph Edgar of Nsit Ibom Local Government Area of Akwa Ibom State and by the grace of God, inhabitant of Shomolu for the past 53 years. I have lost all of my certificates. Rats have chopped some and when they gave me quit notice and I was packing, I lost the rest. But guess what, I am not perturbed.

When I am ready for my senatorial push in 2027, I will not go and swear any stupid affidavit – where they give some hungry person in the court N5,000 to lie on oath- but I will go to Command Children’s School Military Cantonment Ikeja and say, give me my certificate immediately.

From there, I will go to Command Secondary School, Ipaja-  arrgh, sorry those ones will not answer me o. I failed three times, they kicked me out. But I will rush to Angus Memorial High School, Yaba and say give me my certificate. Then I will take Okada to WAEC at Fadeyi and say- give me my certificate. Then, I will go to University of Ibadan and say, give me my certificate and then I will end up in UNILAG and say “please, let me go and check up Moremi Hall and see what they are offering these days, while you give me my certificate.” Simple.

The social fabric of the society is being permanently destroyed by these illiterates in and around power. You do not even have to go to school sef. Just change the constitution and say once you were born in the geographical expression called Nigeria and you are circumcised both male and female and you can prove that you can ejaculate 21 times consecutively for one month then you qualify – that one, people like us will be President for Life o.

This will save us from all of this drama, abeg. I don tire. Kai.

Malcolm Omoirhobo: ‘Juju Man’ in Court

I sha like this man. The only problem I have with his attire is that there is some confusion in the dressing. We are not sure if he is a Yoruba traditional worshipper or an Igbo one. This has always been my grouse with our traditionalists – no standardisation.

But the fact on the ground is that, Chief in a very hilarious and sarcastic manner has just shown the ‘stupidity’ in that judgment without raising a finger. I am sure the people who passed that judgment must have covered their faces in shame when they saw him walk into court dressed like that.

This is what you have when a system is facing institutional weakness. The system is already weak and you carry religion of all things into the mix. Instead of the Supreme Court to run away as the case is coming, they jumped into the whole thing and with all respect began to look like circus clowns with that judgment and the chief did not let them rest as he continued to parody that judgment and ridicule it in front of the whole world.

His own is small, my own na Nudism. For our church, we worship the nude form and when we are ready, na to dey go work completely naked.

I just tire for this country. Shebi na Achebe or Charly Boy- I am not sure again, but I sha know that it was one Igbo man that said it – there was a country. Tired.

For Ike Ekweremadu, It’s a Sad Story

I have strong pity for this couple. Who will not have? A child’s life is at risk and like every responsible parent, they have tried to move mountains to save their baby’s life and have entered a major storm in the process.

When the news first filtered in, Nigerians rose with stones and rotten tomatoes. But do you blame them? We have been harassed by the ruling class so we rise in anger and scorn when one of them falls down like this one.

Comments flew right and left. If he had contributed significantly to the health sector which is in shambles, he would not need to go to the UK and end up in jail like a common criminal facing charges against humanity.

But as more information rolled out, pulling angst started ebbing and that Ohanaeze – some said it’s a rogue faction — that issued a funny statement, started looking like imitation masquerades.

This case if not carefully handled will drag down a series of government institutions like immigration, to mention a few. The kernel of this case is the age of the ‘donor’ the British say 15, documents we are seeing are saying 21. Our immigration has come out with a statement that the boy was definitely at the age of consent but that remains to be proven in concrete terms and not by press statement.

For me, it is the human angle. The poor child facing a life-threatening ailment now with both parents, not even one but both in custody further jeopardising her situation and also the boy himself – 15 or 21 who is definitely an economic refugee and who had seen this as a unique opportunity to ‘help himself’

This is the story of two Nigerian youths from contrasting positions in the society who have been put in a pot of confusion that would scare both of them for life as a result of the failure of a system that continues to be raped by perfidious and very wicked leaders. Sad.

Samuel Ortom, It May Not Come

His Excellency has said he has gone into prayers for direction from the Most High. His prayers are very simple according to him. He wants God to give him direction as to his support or otherwise of his presidential candidate.

Let me say something at this point. I don’t know which God he is praying to but if it is the same Christian God that brought the children of Israel out of Egypt, then let me say categorically that He will not answer your prayer Sir.

Bringing the Almighty into the altar of Baal will lead to dire consequences, I tell you. Please my brother, leave him out of this one and use common sense and answer this thing.

No matter how painful the decision is, it has been taken and someone has to win and someone has to lose. So stop being a sore loser and be a good party man and support the ‘collective decision’. Yes, it can be painful as it looks like it has gone against popular position, the truth is that it has been taken and ratified by the party and as an elder, better stop causing confusion and be statemanly about it and let’s move on.

Abi, is it every decision that you take in that your Makurdi that sits well with everybody? Those that don’t agree with you, will have to obey or you enforce it abi. So don’t let us enforce this one on you o. Better join the line and realise that this your PDP is facing a huge fight with those ‘certificateless’ people but who are incumbent and understand the game. Let’s stop crying daddy and do the needful. Thank you.

Nonny Ugboma: A Beautiful Recourse to Corruption

Nonny is a beautiful intellectual. She is currently running a doctorate in something in the UK and I hope after it all, she will not lose the certificate o. That is my prayer for her.

She recently contributed an article to thealvinreport.com in which she took a cursory look at corruption. She traced it first from the interactions between our chiefs and the slave dealers. Our traditional systems were corrupted when our chiefs were bribed with things like mirror and gin to sell their brothers into slavery.

She went ahead to link it to the much-vaunted indirect rule which threw up artificial leadership in areas where there were no real structures like in Igbo land and ‘bastardised’ and wreaked the structures in places like the north and south-west for their immediate purposes.

So according to Nonny, corruption did not just drop on our laps in this generation. It had been fostered on us by the colonialist from time ‘Imo river’. Ingraining it in our ethos to the point that it is now our very essence as a people.

So, what we are manifesting today is a generational curse that has been with us since the time of dem Jaja of Opobo. In short, we are all grandchildren of very corrupt people who for a pinch of salt would sell a whole village to the white man.

She concluded this very brilliant essay by saying that we must make very deliberate efforts to break this yoke otherwise we will continue to lurk in the throes of underdevelopment wallowing in the morass of poverty and illiteracy.

The essay was so brilliantly put together that when the equally brilliant Magnus Onyibe read it, he could not help himself but to quickly write a review on it. You know when Magnus writes, you will need to be a Nobel winner to understand him.

Ita-Giwa: A Different Kind of Mother

The very influential political amazon has done something quite noble. She has offered to host me and 30 of my friends to a sumptuous Afang feast on the back of my birthday. This is quite remarkable and must be commended.

You know for those of you that have not tasted the Afang in her Echoes of Calabar, you really do not know what you are missing.

I once took my brother Demola Oshodi for dinner there. As we tucked in, he got a call from Bourdillon, you know he is very critical to that campaign and he said, ‘bro make I chop finish before I take the call’. That is what the Afang does to you, I swear.

Mummy Giwa’s Afang is specially made. It melts into your throat and leaves a very supple aftertaste. The snail and the crayfish used to garnish it gives it a certain quality that you begin to feel like flying. I tell you.

Then if you now eat it with freshly pounded yam, not poundo ooo. The one that looks and feels as smooth as Toke’s bum. The smoothness of the pounded yam allows for the ease in swallowing while not taking away the sweet aroma of the fresh leaves that makes up this sumptuous meal.

Mummy can be mischievous at times o, as she will now spice up the goat meat with local spices titillating the nostrils with velvety aroma, making you bite into the goat like your life depends on it.

This is the Afang that 30 delegates are going to eat with me free of charge. Let me confess to corruption. In reaching this 30, I have been compromised, collected bribes and turned a blind eye to my very good friends who could not find their certificates. The list keeps changing that a black market has started operating with people like my sister, Mayen Etim becoming a major broker and influencer.

All I can say for now, is that I am the only one that is sure to make the list for now. We will soon release the final list. Thank you so much Ma. When you want to go for Presidency, let me know because you are super qualified with this Afang thing. Kai.

For Kola Abiola, It’s a Quiet Storm at 60

Just as I was about to submit this page, news filtered in that my egbon will be celebrating his 60th at about the same time as I am doing my 53rd.

Boys are getting old o. See egbon who during the June 12 debacle was everywhere in nice duds and struggling to hold down the forces and keeping things intact as his family and indeed the whole nation was going through unprecedented turbulence.

I had a zoom session with him recently, just before he emerged the presidential candidate for the PRP. We had over 100 people a lot from his Trybe Naija immediate constituency. Mr. Abiola’s message is sound. Calming and encouraging. He begs for sustainable change and a mind reset especially among the youths whom he says own the country.

I wish the gentleman a happy 60th and offer him my support in this journey. The beautiful ones have been born to lead and Kola is a beautiful one. Thanks.