Loud Whispers Joseph Edgar

Bola Tinubu: Much Ado About Nothing

Since Baba announced his running mate, Nigeria has jumped into another round of confusion. The debate over the Muslim-Muslim ticket has been going on unabated with the whole country taking a position. Even my friend and brother, Sani called in and spoke to me for over an hour on the matter. At the end of the long talk, I ask am, “Please, why you call me, am I Tinubu?”

You see, Daddy has a right to choose his running mate from any part of this country and from any configuration. My own is the reason he gave for his decision. Saying that he chose him because of his capacity is another resounding slap on our faces. The arrogance of this Tinubu campaign has been quite astounding. Never in the history of this country has a candidate pointed a finger in our eyes with such disdain.

Even when Abacha took over power as a military despot, he still gave reasons and told us what he wanted to do. He didn’t dare say “emi lokan.” This one is just shouting emi lokan all over the place. We don suffer.

To date, all we are hearing is “emi lokan”- it is my turn. I made this one, I made that one. I even imposed ‘Eleyi’ and when that other one was crying, I made him so it’s payback time. The arrogance of it all will never make me see anything good in that campaign. Nothing is being said about policy, how he will tackle our myriad of problems but all we keep hearing is “na my turn” as if we are lining up to sleep with prostitutes at the famed Juliet Hotel in Shomolu where some of us cut our teeth.

It is the same thinking; the campaign has brought this running mate thing. So, in all of that Northern Nigeria, there is no Christian or animist who is capable. So, coming to tell us it is because of capacity and not what it really is — a pragmatic look at voting patterns in that region — is another major slap.

This is why me o, I will never agree to this presidency, will not vote for it and will do siddon look until we are saved from this convoluting monarchy.

Please get my point o. I really don’t give a rat’s ass if we have Muslims from the Presidency to the Local Government Council level, my own is just come out and say the truth. Why would I even expect that from someone who dropped from the sky, no school mates and no certification in primary and secondary and who graduated excellently from the university.

All of this cannot last forever, some of us like Martin Luther King Jr, have climbed the mountain top and have seen a new Nigeria. A Nigeria that will be driven by merit, a Nigeria that will have transparent and principled leaders and we have finally seen the sun of Nigeria rise from the East where the wise men came from. If ‘you gerrit you gerrit’. Thank you

Funke Akindele: Dawn of the Social Media Candidate

Ok, I know I came out blazing against this candidate but the PDP people in Lagos, who remain the most unserious political machinery ever put together by man anywhere in the world went ahead to announce madam – fresh from a divorce – their running mate to the equally ‘felele’ Jandor or whatever it is he calls himself.

My write up elicited a lot of response especially from the female folks. My cousin in-law Rita tore at me. I suspect I may have damaged that relationship. She argued against my position, claiming that it’s because she is a woman hence my rabid attack. I disagreed very strongly but be like say, my talk no touch her.

But then my sister Nonny Ugboma came with a more analytical take on it. She called me as I was having my lunch, “Edgar do you see what is happening?” I said what. She said, “Funke has 15.5million million followers on Instagram. This is followership and if she converts just 10% of this, there might be an upset.”

I quickly washed my hands and went into research mode. Kai, it’s true o. Her announcement video attracted over 600,000 views, much more than the margin Sanwo-Olu used to emerge as Governor. We heard that Sanwo-Olu won with a margin of about 250,000 votes. The video also attracted another 4,000 responses with over 80% being very positive to her candidacy.

Kai. I sent these figures to my egbon Segun Awolowo who remarked jocularly that with these figures, Funke could be President.

I didn’t stop o. I checked Tonto Dike who is also vying for deputy governor in Rivers State. She came in at 7.4 million followers. Banky W with four million followers and Davido with 24 million followers are looking quite strong – Davido was very instructive in Osun the last time. Then my research took me to Sanwo-Olu and he stood at a little over 600,000 with his deputy coming in at a paltry 30,000. Our dear Asiwaju has 103,000 with Peter Obi coasting home at 168,000. Dubai-based Atiku hit 434,000 and your dear Edgar, the Duke of Shomolu hitting a massive 1,500.

People, you see the imminent danger this portends. The only thing that is saving us from being taken over by light headed denizens who will be running around State Houses with coloured hair and tattoos is ‘Convertibility’.

Can they convert this huge followership to voting power? That is the question that the Peter Obi movement is beginning to help them answer. Peter Obi has resonated in this market to the point that the self-awareness in this demographic is at its highest. Drawing from the #EndSARS saga down to the commercial bazaar that were the primaries, youths have ramped up voter registration. So, what we are seeing now is the fact that Peter may not clinch the presidency but will most likely cause upheavals in states like Lagos and Rivers.

Kola Abiola is there also with his Trybe Naija with over one million registered voters all carrying Trybe Naija cards and being stupendously empowered.

I am afraid o. Cos if ‘Jenifa’ succeeds in converting just five per cent  of these and is able to galvanise women and youths, we just may be looking for work for Sanwo-Olu at NIMASA or join my lord Ambode for Lagos Governors Alumni Association.

Let’s sha be watching o. This is getting interesting. I swear.

Kola Abiola: Still on the Matter

This gentleman just may blindside us all and emerge the next President. Be laughing there. I sat with him the other day over a plate of Afang — he didn’t eat, so I ate mine and his — to look at his stats.

What Funke Akindele is parading is a joke compared to what Kola is parading. Kola has a youth movement tagged Trybe Naija who has over one million members all sufficiently briefed and ready. What Funke has is raw materials not processed and inexperienced. Kola has the finished product. Strong youths who are very clear as to their objective all with PVCs and ready to move. Spread all over the country and well positioned.

What I see, will be a major gain for him with the inevitable crashing of the main contenders – Tinubu and Atiku and a scramble between him and Obi for the fallout. He has an advantage over Obi who although has more public acceptability is still very light in the space where the fight will be – digitally driven youths. Obi has the numbers but convertibility will slow him. Kola has converted all of his core supporters giving him a virile platform to fan out and ‘speeden’ further convertibility.

The man is calm and content. The worst case scenario I see for him is being called in on the table to name his price because he may just be the deciding factor.

Time still dey. Make we dey look. Please do not throw this page away o. Keep it and let’s look at it again after the elections. You will say this na Ibibio Nostradamus.

Chukwuma Soludo: A Shameful Outing

If you have not seen the video, please do not watch it. The video of the Anambra State Government Task Force destroying the Lion Odumeje’s church. He was slapped and kicked around in the process. The humiliation was barbaric and gut wrenching.

The fact that the Lion is a small man in physical stature made the whole thing so tears-inducing and annoying at the time. A very dirty policeman slapping around a citizen simply because he was just asking questions and at best even just saying “allow me take out some things.”

The shame was complete when a supposedly civilised governor came out with a tepid statement apologising and saying that the culprits will be dealt with but not before telling us that the church was an illegal structure.

Mr. bald-headed Governor, no Nigerian deserves to be treated that way even if he is a serial killer. The fact that the man built his church illegally does not give you the right to unleash your goons on him in that manner. I expected more from you going by your pedigree. This is really a bad start and that treatment meted out to the Lion is a minus for you.

Please do not let this your government that we all prayed and fought for to be delineated by this kind of sheer banditry.

Me, I don’t kuku know why the Lion did not unleash just one of his many powers on those ‘fools’ in uniform and turn all of them to frogs so that people will know just what lies in that ‘tiny frame’.

Abubakar Malami: A Little Bit More Strategy

Let me first quickly congratulate this gentleman on his recent nuptials. I can see that he has taken for a third wife, the very beautiful daughter of our outgoing president.

You see my people, one of the most beautiful things in this world is polygamy. The variety it portends makes life worth living. Please if you are not in it, you may try. You will come and thank me. Didn’t you see the other Governor with four wives and the lovely children?

That said, let me say very quickly the kernel of this my talk today. I am hoping that this marriage is based on true love because if it is not, then it is not a real strategic move o.

If I wanted to take a new wife today- that is if the Duchess goes to Ukraine for a new production, it cannot be with the daughter of an outgoing President. It will be with either Tinubu, Atiku, Peter Obi or even Sowore’s daughter. That is how to be strategic. That is how it is done. Carried interest for future gain is what we call it in Investment banking.

So, my brother, here is to wishing you a lovely marriage and God’s true blessing. As for me, please anybody fit send me Iya Oloja phone number? Na there my heart dey now o.

Ademola Adeleke: On the Dance, I Stand

My people, even if it is to dance for the next four years, let us dance the dance. I am a true democrat. I believe in one man one vote and as such the tyranny of the monarchy must end. The empire that started from Lagos has grown over the last few years capturing the whole of South Western Nigeria and turning the states into vassals with ‘stooges’ sent with flags emblazoned with brooms to go and stake a claim.

Edo just recently got liberated. Ondo was liberated at some point but was recaptured. We thought Ogun was looking good until Eleyi, weakened by all sorts of scandals including a shady educational background, has been festooned back into the hood.

Now the chance has come for Osun to be liberated. It was almost liberated the last time, but the establishment quickly rallied round to pull it back into the harem. This weekend another opportunity for us to salvage what is left of the state has opened up.

A state that has been said to be poorer than the emperor itself. A state that has so much potential especially in solid materials, tourism and juju to still be wallowing in abject poverty is unacceptable.

Please let’s all dance into glory. Adeleke is our man. I hear a lot of times people saying, “Edgar, you are a media personality, don’t be taking sides.” Media personality my foot. Which kind yeye media personality and I will not be saying my mind as it is paining me. I have taken sides and will continue to be taking sides. Come and carry the media personality go.

Adeleke has my support, the people of Osun have my support and the long-suffering harried people of Nigeria have my support. Kai. Mbok.

Nigeria Police: What is it with Adultery?

Mbok, this police have been looking for trouble o. They have been sending post that adultery carries two years imprisonment. This thing is something that we did not know o. Some of us used to think that it is two willing adults o. This statement is a wakeup call o. But that one is not even the problem, come and see the most scary one.

In a post allegedly sent out by the police, they have said that during sex, if one partner says you should stop during action and you refuse then you are liable to a long jail term.

If this is true, then make I begin do like Gani Fawehnmi did during IBB time — pack enough clothes and get ready for the gulag. Because how will man stop during motion? My God, the thing is something else o and scientists have not been able to decipher the sweetness thereof. So in the middle of a carousing engagement, someone will come and say, “Duke, please stop.” Please let me ask men, which man will even hear that kind of voice? There is something they call ‘point of no return’. At that point the plane must land o. It must land o. We will land and hand ourselves over. That’s all.

Please this is the constitutional reform we should be fighting for. If it is true, then our Constitution is truly defective and must be reviewed immediately. I volunteer.

Ayo Shonaiya: My Hero, My Hero

It was my sister Mabel Okosun who called me the other night in a rage. “Edgar, have you seen Afrobeats – the new documentary on Netflix?” I said no but what about it. They didn’t give my uncle Sonny Okosun enough respect. They totally forgot him. I loved Sonny Okosun and wasn’t going to stand back and watch people denigrate his memories and his contributions to music in Africa.

So, I rushed to Netflix with a view to writing a scathing and deliberately flawed criticism of the thing. My brother, the thing turned me into Saul of Tarsus o. The documentary was detailed, lively and engaging. Very educational with some very powerful footage taken from way back. The one with Wasiu Ayinde on a chair and asking to be rolled into the studio killed me.

Everybody was there o. Even my big belle egbon Olisa Adibua and Kenny and D1. Kai. It was massive and breathtaking. I used the Muslim holiday to watch it till the end. Kai, come and see a young Dbanj, a young Don Jazzy, a skinny Tuface. They tried o.

Well-done Ayo and the team. This was a near perfect chronicling of the Nigerian music scene. But sha, you should have spent more time on Sunny Okosun. His contributions are heavy and that one second mention is not befitting and he reach for Mabel to vex. Even me here, I am angry. Please kindly do an addendum or do another mini documentary on Sonny Okosun. By the way, did you know that he was the one who first played the Los Angeles Coliseum when most people were still playing at people’s backyard and claiming they were doing international shows?

Osita Oparagu: Upturning the Status Quo

Osita is a brilliant visioner. He has built a whole online school along the lines of STEM curriculum. STEM curriculum if you guys don’t know is the curriculum that has moved China from the backwaters of development to the front end of it. STEM is Science, technology and —- I don forget the rest abeg. Please google or call Osita.

In hours and hours of tutoring all on the system, a child can start JSS 1 and complete SS3 and be better for it. He has tutors who have international grading and in concise videos deliver stellar performance.

Already, East African countries are falling over themselves buying the software which sells for a pittance for their wards. Corporate organisations also are doing the same as part of their CSR.

He hopes the same will happen here and I really do wish he succeeds. Well-done bro.