Loud Whispers With Joseph Edgar

Let No Man Touch Muhammadu Buhari

We all watched the chilling video. It was scary and very offensive. Goose pimples erupted on my skin and a cold engulfed me. The man said he will kidnap not only our President but also the Governor of Kaduna State, Mallam Nasir el Rufai. For el-Rufai own, abeg they should postpone it till he answer my request o.

This is however not a joking matter, abeg. The brazen nature of the threat and the confidence, coupled with the pedigree gives a lot of concerns. The Nigerian Defence Academy has been attacked, the Brigade of Guards in Abuja has lost some men, Owo Catholic Church decimated, the president’s advanced team taken out and you say, we should keep watching Big Brother?

An attempt at the President — successful or not, is a major attack on the sovereignty of the nation. It is time this whole thing be taken a little bit more seriously and we should not wait until we – God forbid – see our president on TV sending a message to CBN Governor, Godwin Emefiele, to immediately send money quick o. God forbid, but in some of these things, even God will be watching if we don’t take very concrete steps.

I think it is time we go get foreign intervention. There is nothing to be ashamed of. We can no longer do it alone. We have tried, it is enough. Thousands have lost their lives and millions are living under very intense and scary conditions having been displaced.

Look, it is not a matter of pride. Our military and security architecture has been stretched. They have tried. They are heroes and we will continue to thank them for the gallant lives lost within their fold, but please let’s go and beg any foreign country to move in troops. This is the solution; the troops will come in with technology and superior firepower to dislodge all these people once and for all.

Our army can partner them and in the process train alongside them. That way, we may begin to see an end to this thing that is gradually crippling this country. We cannot continue behaving like it is ‘gbomo gbomo’ that we are dealing with. These are well armed, well-trained forces and they are taking us out o.

For President Buhari and El-Rufai, I think you should build an inter-religion select committee that will have Muslims, Christians, animists everybody including that lawyer that will be dressing like masquerade in court to immediately form a spiritual bulwark around you o. This one no be only for people to be wearing black dirty suits and black sunglasses and be carrying big belle and be running in front of your cars o. This is no longer a joke o. Me, I am in hiding.    

Femi Adesina, This is Not a Joking Matter

You know part of the job description of Femi Adesina is to be hitting his head on the wall. The head has been fortified with ‘juju’ and stubbornness such that no matter how long you hit it, it cannot break o.

How do you explain this one o: some PDP senators were reported to have issued a six-week ultimatum to the president to sort out the insecurity issue once and for all or face impeachment and oga is calling them minority of the minority. This arrogant streak in his job is really annoying and terrible.

Abuja is shutting down, schools are hurriedly vacating, law school is crying for help, the heat is on and senators are shouting and you are calling them a minority. My brother, if this thing continues, you will see that there is nothing minority about 200 million people. It is that time that you will see what my Uncle Ekpo used to call, ‘ukwak ke mbre’.

I know as spokesperson, you must be overly optimistic, but you must get sense in this optimism. Is it not better if you had said “We have received the call from the PDP senators with grave concern. The issue of insecurity is a thing that concerns all Nigerians and we would be calling them in to discuss the grave danger in our bid to fashion out an all-inclusive response. Please come with your bullet proof.” Is this not better than abusing them and calling them minority of the minority?

Be speaking big English there, shebi me I am in Shomolu. The only bandits we dey see here na agbero and that one we dey use ogogoro beg them. Wetin concern me. Last last, we will be all ok. Shebi na refugee for Cameroun go kukuma end everything. Me, I don pack.

Adedeji Adeleke’s Stern Warning

As incoming is all over the place dancing and generally basking in the euphoria of the victory, his elder brother has sent a very stern warning. Let me paraphrase: “I will expose you if you fail as governor…. You have no reason to fail, you have no godfather to refund any money to, so whatever people contributed for the election is contribution and sacrifice to Nigeria so all you need to do is to go and serve the people.” He continued: “I will be the first to call a press conference if I see things go wrong.”

Need I add anything? Mbok, let’s keep dancing, we need the burst of energy and joy in the country. Things are too gloomy anyways.

Femi Gbajabiamila’s Insensitivity

You know say some people no dey listen to advice. This is what Yoruba people will see and say, ‘o ma be’. That is, he is too forward. Or how will you explain this one? Daddy, carry gray beard go stand in front of Harvard when the whole Nigeria is striking in support of ASUU which has been on a nationwide strike since I last got an erection.

The number four man, adding insult to the pepper of our seeing public officials children graduate in foreign universities now went to stand in front of Harvard signboard because they have admitted him into one periphery programme.

I am sure the only thing on his mind will be, “before they say, I don’t have a certificate now o, let me go stand for the main road of the school to make the thing show.”

The apology is not enough. He should go ahead and institute a Femi Gbajabiamila Harvard Scholarship Fund for at least one Nigerian university student in all federal universities then we will know he is serious in his penance. Na wa.

Zainab Ahmed: Only $300,000, How Can?

It was my friend that pointed it out. She said, “Edgar, what is ECA?” So me, I want to pose for the fine girl, I begin to explain that it is the excess crude receipts over and on top of the benchmarked crude price used to cut the budget. I smiled to myself as the yellow girl smiled. The next thing she told me made me piss. “But how come we have only $300,000 left?”

 I said what? Are you sure you are correct? She said, yes na and read it out. I piss o. Fear catch me.

So, Akan Udofia get money pass Nigeria. I read the whole story with shaky hands. Today, I have seen the explanation from Mama Zainab and she said they are on expenditure for security. I just shout yepa. It is finished. So, we have spent all of that money and train passengers are still in the den of bandits and Abuja is beginning to look like Kiev in Ukraine? Please na.

So, this $300,000 wey no reach the cost of Arthur Eze’s new private jet. So, when it finishes, what next? This one that we have seen circular that ‘our egbon dem’ are coming to Lagos and other states.

Mummy, this is really not your fault, because it is not your job to generate the funds but execute as you are instructed. But my advice is, that Accountant General, instead of going through the long and tedious process of a court case, can’t we just go and hang him upside down and put fire in his balls so we can collect all that money and add to this matter? Abeg, consider. Thank you

Omoyele Sowore: A Very Wicked Man

The way this guy has been going with his own presidential campaign is ‘devilish’. Be like say, he knows he cannot win so he has decided to be a spoiler. The way he is tackling and taking out his senior colleagues is very funny o. He first took on Peter Obi asking why that one is pretending like he doesn’t know what is going on, afterall he was an adviser to President Jonathan.

This week, he has come to Atiku with a more poisonous take. He has been reported as stating that Atiku through Garba Shehu used to leak information to him to fight Obasanjo. This na treason in my books. You see why Obasanjo in his book called Atiku ‘fatuously corrupt’ – na me add the jara o. Obasanjo English no reach that level.

If what Sowore is saying is true, then it’s time we begin to look Atiku with another eye. This Judas behaviour if true cannot be excused. Leaking information and sensitive documents in a government that you are number two can never be acceptable. If he did this under Saddam Hussein and he was caught, no be book like OBJ that one go write o.

Is this the person we will be giving the presidency? I ask. Thank you.

Peter Obi: Big Brother Nigeria is the Enemy

This Peter Obi matter is like when you go and fall in love with a prostitute. It used to happen in Shomolu those days. You fall in love with your favourite sales girl and be expecting her to be loyal. That is what Peter Obi and his ‘structure’ have done.

Social media? Today, Big Brother has started and focus is beginning to shift. His running mate had to plead to the youths to maintain focus. Easier said, people have started gossiping about who is doing who in the house. One ugly boy has already started creating a frenzy with his open relationship. Youths have gone o.

Peter!!! Peter!!! Peter!!! How many times I call you? Better go and start building alliances with structured players. Work groups, associations, NLC, NUPENG all those kinds of people all over the country and see if we can push this thing o.

Leave all these millennial people. People that were coming to #EndSARS with gas cookers and condoms. Na another thing dey drive those ones. A very fickle demographic but don’t worry,

let us even pray because the Big Brother will finish before election time or better still go and spend three days in the house. Yes, that will be a very powerful move. Kai.

A Rare Sighting of Aliko Dangote

I have seen oga in many places and everytime I see him, I just respect myself and watch him from a distance. Last week, I saw him again. This time, coming into his office in Ikoyi. I was on my way out of the elevator when he came in with a lot of people. As usual, I stood clear and watched him from a distance.

This week, I am concerned about the daily erosion of the Naira in the markets. Truth is that there is no magic that can shore up the Naira except when we start learning forex, change spending patterns and diversify the economy. We can shout Emefiele as much as we want to. If we do not achieve any of these and more, na so we go see naira for N5,000 to $1 in this lifetime. Shebi we are approaching N1,000 small small?

So, when the news of the coming on stream very soon of the Dangote Petro – chemical Plant hit, I was excited. This initiative will not only open up the space, create jobs but very importantly pull in and conserve forex. We must begin to start very practical steps of reordering the scheme of things. The outflow of forex is massive as against inward bound.

This Dangote plant is expected to massively play a leading role in this regard, hence my joy. Can we now get some copy cats initiative too? You know Nigerians, they now will not copy this one o. If it is to open a church now, everybody will be fighting to build the biggest church. Na wa.

Timi George: A Super Brilliant Gentleman

It was Segun Ojo that I met at Ghana High where I went to eat rice that said, “Edgar you know my Managing Director?”

I asked “Who be your MD?”

 He responded: “Timi George.” I shouted I want know Timi die? Timi was my Oga at Magnum Trust bank where he ran the corporate finance desk. He was a very intelligent young man whose dress sense was impeccable. I used to admire him o. I said, Segun but since when was he your MD and Segun said since. I said “abeg, give me him number and I no go call your name.”

 He warned “no call my name o.” I said I would not. Moreover, me I don’t know how to betray trust so I have not told anybody that it was Segun Ojo that gave me Timi’s numbers.

Timi was in the middle of a long conference call. He had just closed one of the biggest acquisitions in the custodian business. His First Custodian had just acquired Access Custodian, throwing up an expansive firm with assets in excess of N3 trillion. He was in an expansive mode and rightly so as he spoke impeccable English on the call.

Timi has always been very intelligent and smart and he stood out in Magnum. You could see even at that time that this was a leader. Young but very powerfully spoken. Bold and courageous.

After his call, he came in for a hug. “Edgar!!!” he exclaimed, “I just dey see you everywhere. You just dey do movie star everywhere. How body?”

“My brother, I dey hungry, una get Afang for this office?”

Well-done bro on this new acquisition, I am very proud of you. Well-done. First Custodian is now truly the first. Kai.