Loud Whispers WITH Joseph Edgar

Abdullahi Adamu: A Lion in Church

If you have not seen the video, hurry up and check it out. It is the National Chairman of the All Progressives Congress (APC) in church shouting ‘Praise the Lord.’ The hypocrisy of it all is puke inducing. So, you have forged on your collapsing contraption called a National party a Muslim –Muslim ticket and it is to be going to churches to be shouting crap that will placate Christians and make them vote en masse for your pre-historic candidates.

My brother, this is the sycophancy and hypocrisy that has kept us where we are as a nation. A self-assured candidacy will not pander to the hubris of a Christian fellowship if they truly believe in the purpose of their vision. You go ahead and sell your plans and if anybody is not willing to see what you are bringing to the table simply because you have a Muslim-Muslim ticket, then that person is not worth speaking to.

Recently, I met a young man, Mohammed Tanko who said he was from Adamawa and I told him, “You must be voting for your town’s man, Atiku,” and he made me cry.

“Edgar, I am voting for Obi. We are tired. Nigeria today needs a leader who is selfless. A leader who understands our issues and even if he cannot solve it, he will not worsen it.”

Now if Obi fits this in my estimation is what I will not state, but the point is that some people have gone beyond all of this prebendal politics that you are playing and are looking at the bigger picture.

Bring your Muslim-Muslim ticket to the table and tell us emphatically what exactly are your plans and stop all of these crass gerrymandering in churches to placate supposedly angry Christians.

I am a Christian, in fact, a small GO and millions like me do not give a hoot if you drop Muslims from the presidency to the councillor. What we need is good governance, a government that will take us out of the woods. Bring out the good men, no matter their religious inclination. Simple.

This rain wey dey fall, is not asking which religion you are before it hits you o. Is it not the same market we are all going? Are we not all losing jobs together? Are we not all being killed and maimed out of existence together? Who is getting it better today? Muslims? Or Christians?

My brother, the only thing democratic in Nigeria today is suffering and poverty. So, stop dancing around churches and smell the coffee. Thank you. 

Tee Mac’s Embarrassing U-Turn

Tee Mac had just delivered one of the most devastating blows to Mr. Tinubu’s aspirations. He not only destroyed the man but strengthened his credibility by telling us they were in-laws. This justification went very far in solidifying his statements.

To rehash, he was quoted as saying that Tinubu was too old and weak to be of any use to Nigeria at this point. He even told us that papa squatted in London in their house and that he has stopped eating in their house for a bit.

When I read this, I asked myself: What kind of in-law is this one na? This is the kind of in-law you will slap. My in-law Etim – who will be 50 this Monday – will never try this o. I will slap him.

This na yeye in-law o, although a nationalistic one who was only trying to save Nigerians from the impending and looming disaster should this presidency dawn on us. Are we sure baba even pay dowry complete? You know with what we are seeing and hearing about certificate or no certificate, we cannot be too sure again o.

So, after that talk, they must have called a family meeting on his afro. Given him severe warning and threatened to expose him. Bobo fear o. Run, forget him bleaching cream and comb to Arise TV to grant an interview where he even worsened the whole thing.

It was a private conversation o, I am surprised as to how it went viral and I am angry that a private discussion went to the public, he screamed at the TV cameras.

Well, my brother, private or not, we have heard. As an in-law, you know these things better than the rest of us and we thank you for confirming what we already know.

But for me, next time keep your beautiful mouth shut and be very wary when talking. These are not times for loose lips. Even me that is basket-mouth, I used to think before I talk, especially where it concerns your in-law because there are too many moving parts around papa.

My advice.

Sheikh Ahmad Gumi: What is Going on?

People have been asking me who I will vote for and it’s looking like I just might abstain. Everyday, when I look at these three, I still cannot fathom how 200 million Nigerians ended with these three to choose from.

The broom-carrying one already looks like when a small breeze blow am now, he go fall. The umbrella one is just gaffing up and down looking tired and really worn out. The ‘Obidient’ one is just playing to the gallery, mouthing all sorts of things because he knows that, that is what we want to hear – did you see his humiliating turn in Osun?

So, me just dey siddon look. I sha know that when the time comes, God in His infinite wisdom will step in and intervene. Shebi na Ojota bus stop I dey when He intervened for Abacha own. When He is ready, He will intervene and give us a true Nigerian President- these three na pantomime.

So, while we are waiting for Jah to step in, I come dey look this Gumi. The man seems to know what we all don’t know. The insecurity problem is looking intractable. Fear cannot even begin to describe what we are feeling right now and daily the capture of Kabul by their cousins keeps replaying in my head.

Attack on Abuja? Just 45 minutes to the Presidency? My people, if you were thinking this thing was a joke before, you must now wake up and smell the coffee. What if? Aaaghhh!!!

Is it not IBB that asked Etim Inyang, “my brother, where’s Anini?” When that common thief took on the whole of the old Bendel State. Today, we do not even know who to ask the question. Is it the Chief of Army Staff? or the Navy Chief? Or DSS? Or IG of Police?

If you ask me, na to ask Sheikh Ahmad Gumi. If I ever meet him na to ask him, “Daddy, what is going on?” Because it is looking like he alone has the answers to this question o.

My sincere advice is to make him Coordinating Minister for Security with all the Armed Forces reporting to him and he in turn will report to the President. Yes, there is precedence. President Jonathan appointed Ngozi Okonji-Iweala Coordinating Minister for Economy.

If una never tire, me I don tire from fear. Every night now na nightmare; bandit will be pursuing me in my dream. Shey my own is still dream, millions of Nigerians are facing them in real life. Dodging bullets, getting kidnapped and beaten up all in a day’s job.

Mbok, make Abubakar Gunmi coordinating Minister for security o. Na beg ooo.

Sam Omatseye and the Fear of an Apologist

The most fearsome ‘destroyers’ of Nigeria’s destiny are the intellectuals who lend their prowess to missions inimical to the country’s continued wellbeing. I am not afraid to say that in that house is Mr. Omatseye lives in the biggest master bedroom.

After years of glorious service to his profession and in the twilight of a once glorious run, he now lends himself to servitude. His right. I would not blame him because nobody can judge a man’s trajectory since we are not the Almighty.

All I have done instead is to stop reading him and watching him on TV. But when I saw his tweet, meekly hanging his life on Peter Obi as a result of the mad feedback he was getting from his lame article – Obi-tuary, I laughed.

When you take positions that are not based on any conviction, this is how you react. You run and hide under the table with every little wind. You title your article morbidly -Obi-tuary, you make allusions to Biafra, a very sensitive and vexed issue, you pull in Nnamdi Kanu into the equation. Were you thinking a red carpet will be rolled out for you?

Of course, they will come at you in droves. So, pulling Peter Obi into this mess is only strengthening him and making you look like a three-day Afang.

It is a poor play at servitude or relevance. It’s a showy way of telling your masters that you are taking bullets for them o. If I was your oga, I will sack you today so that you don’t run towards me with a beehive on your head.

Sad that people like you that we grew up reading can reduce themselves to this level of intellectual infamy. You know you can do these things with elegance. You can do this thing in a classy way, but no, you must do it the owambe way.

Please read Segun Adeniyi, read Chidi Amuta anytime and read me on Atiku Abubakar – many times a hit and you will see just how you can take positions elegantly without seeming that you are losing your head over a pot of porridge.

I belong to no one but a bowl of Afang.

Asari Dokubo: The Fear Within

It is with huge fear and respect that I am writing this one o. You will notice that I will not tear into the Lord the way I just did with Sam. Sam, worse he will do is to report me to six people. Lawyer go write to me or he will slap me if he see me for go slow. But this one, if I try myself, na me know where I go go pick my testicles. Lol.

So, I tread with caution. I no for even comment, but that video of his Royal Majesty walking through the street in a full show of power cannot be ignored. Mbok, come and see power, fully armed escorts and that costume he wore? It was majestic, regal and attractive. He had the poise of a powerful royal. Those types we used to see in history books and that used to come with appellations like – conqueror of Mesopotamia and consort to the Queen of England.

Only God knows where he was going that day. If he was going to seek a beautiful bride, I am sure his father in-law would not only give him the bride but add his own wife and mother in-law in tow.

That procession was beautiful in its ugliness. I loved it especially the show of tradition but still queried the armed men. Obviously not of the Nigerian state so that dampened my enthusiasm. Still a beautiful procession. Bro, you are doing well. No vex o.

Julius Rone: A Quick Celebration

Let me quickly rejoice with my brother the Gas King – Mr. Julius Rone. Mr. Rone’s company, UTM FLNG Ltd has just won the prestigious Ingenious Company of the Year at the last Nigerian Oil and Gas Summit.

If you know Julius very well, this recognition will not come to you as a surprise. He has been consistently dogged in his pursuit of gas as an alternative earner for the country.

Set up about 10 years ago, the firm was established to among others be involved in the direct sales and direct purchase of crude oil and other allied products. Julius has in those years delivered a huge indigenous conglomerate that has forced its way into global reckoning. Congrats my brother.

Lekki Turning into Dirty, Sprawling Slum

And they will be saying they live on the island. This week, something took me to Ikate and the sprawling dirt and decay was quite apparent. The poor laying, the decaying infrastructure for such a relatively new town development is so disappointing, I almost puked.

Lekki was a promise. It was expected to be a new vision for urban living in Africa. Fuelled by the new affluence of the Obasanjo era, it grew and grew. It became the ‘go to area’ for the new rich. It expanded from the new toll gate area and breached almost the Chevron area. Buildings rose, developers made billions. Landowners started rubbing shoulders with oil sheiks and land owning families became royalty, carving for themselves little kingdoms and gallivanting around the place with newfound wealth.

Today, as a result of an incestuous relationship between government, greedy landowners and primordial developers, what we have in Lekki today is a huge slum complete with drugs, crime and prostitution.

As I drive down Ikate, all I see are buildings mostly built within the last 10 years in varying states of disrepair and desolation. It is sad and annoying. Built in clusters of demonic encircling, some already sinking with walls painted in green algae coming out from poor plumbing, you begin to wonder what really drives this tripartite alliance of wickedness.

Lekki is gone. The flooding is crazy as a result of terrible planning. No drainage and where you find some, they are blocked. Boreholes opened near sewage pits; we are just joking with bubonic plague. If God is not with us, the epidemic Lekki will foster in Africa will not be a child’s play.

Now we have begun to see a movement back to Victoria Island and Ikoyi. The new rich who still have their wealth are migrating back as they see the encroachment of slum lifestyle on them. So now those who live in proper Ikoyi are saying, “I don’t go to Lekki for anything,” and Lekki mumu people are still saying, “I don’t go to the mainland for anything.”

Mbok, stay in your slum and smell your opened cesspits and waddle through your floods and watch your daughters being pimped out and your sons fall to the hands of drug lords, give me my Shomolu any day.

This one is nobody’s fault but the fault of the axis of evil – government, landowners and developers. This falls on them. Simple.

Charles “Area Fada” Oputa: Please Do Not Do This

I am heart broken. I have seen a cryptic note sent in by my all-time mentor the great Charly ‘Area Fada’ Oputa that shows that his 45 year marriage to the super beautiful Diane Oputa may be coming to an end.

I will cry ooo. Fada, I will cry ooo. For me, this was one of the greatest love stories ever. She was your two and a half and she stood. I loved both of you together and it was because of the mad respect that I had for your union that I did not do anything about my crush on her.

Fada, let me tell you this very clearly, I have had a crush on Lady Diane for over 30 years. Her ebony rich beauty and full African form has always been a permanent fixture in my mind. In my book, ‘Anonymous Nipples’, I wrote a whole chapter on her beauty and gave you the book. I know say you no read am.

I am begging you to do everything within your powers to keep this union sir. What a wicked man! Why you no divorce am long ago? Why now? Why not in the 80s make you see what we for do. Now that we are looking at great grandchildren you want to run away after blocking us all these years. We no go gree.

Seriously, Fada, 45 years is a thing of joy. It is a milestone that most will never see in their marriages. Please na beg, no gree. If na she want go, no gree. Please let’s go and beg her. I will sing for her and she will calm down.

Please can you give me her number, I be expert for begging women. I understand how to beg women. Nothing dey weak woman more than when full grown men with tattoos and earrings stand in front of her and be crying. I can do it o. She will calm down.

This must not happen o. Kai!

Super Brilliant Journalist, Amos Etuk

Bros is the Chapter Chairman of the Nigerian Union of Journalists in Akwa Ibom. The vibrancy he has brought to this role is unprecedented. I recently heard that he was reelected to another term. This is historic because it has never happened in the history of the state Chapter.

Immediately I heard, I reached out to congratulate him. He is a brilliant soul; I met him several times during my journeys in Uyo to plug two of my plays. His brilliance and pure understanding of national and regional issues continue to astound me.

Akwa Ibom is on the verge of change. The people are asking for a new deal, looking away from the status quo and trying to birth a new leadership with the promise of prosperity. I discuss these unfolding eras with Amos almost on a daily basis and his love for Akwa Ibom is apparent even as he says, “my brother, na God hand we dey for Akwa Ibom.”

I say well-done bro. You owe me Afang, you know say you sabi dodge, you will not dodge this one. When Akan Udofia emerge, I go land Uyo and you go give me my Afang. For now, leave me for my self-exile o in Shomolu.