Loud Whispers With Joseph Edgar

Olusegun Obasanjo:  Iwo lo kan

I saw the clip of Senator Bola Tinubu’s visit to our greatest statesman of all time – Chief Olusegun Obasanjo in Abeokuta. What came to my mind immediately was the session we had with him in Abeokuta some time ago. I had taken about 60 of my friends to spend a weekend with him and at the end, we had a closed-door session with Baba.

We asked him all sorts of questions and he answered all of them as best as he could. He had a good day that day as we all came out very satisfied. But in my closing remarks, I had asked him a cheeky question:

“If Bola Tinubu comes for a visit, will you receive him?”

The hall went into rapturous laughter because we all know the story between these two.

He responded with his famed native intelligence, “anybody is free to come here but what I don’t know is if he will get his desired response.”

So when I saw the clip of the visit, that response came to mind.

I like Tinubu. He is like me. He is a go-getter and will sleep with termites if he needs to, to achieve a goal. Going to OBJ in my mind’s eye for BAT will be like going to ask a favour from a man who just slept with your wife. But my Lord BAT will even send roses to the man, if it will give him his wish. For that I say well-done.

Now as at the time of writing, I have not been able to confirm if BAT got his desired response or not. I have seen reports that have shown OBJ being evasive but accepting that the Presidency must now come back to the South, and I have also seen reports saying that OBJ said to him that he will not support him and that power should indeed go to the South-east.

I cannot confirm this as at the time of writing so let me just sit on the fence and build my castle on Tinubu’s boldness with this move. It must be commended. When we now get the authoritative report, we will comment.

Tinubu, Atiku and Obi: The Story of Three Midgets

My people, this is my situation and I may abstain from these elections. I have always had the very strong conviction that if these three were the ones that we are throwing up as our very best, then there is no need.

I had a closed-door session with a revered traditional ruler and ex-banker with a lot of global influence and he confirmed my conviction. He said: “Edgar, what we need today is a unifying leader after the eight years we have just gone through.”

He continued: “It will be a shame for anybody who worked so hard to foster on Nigeria these lame leadership in the past eight years to benefit from this.

“I know Bola Tinubu knew by 2019 that this was a failed experiment but for personal permutations, still supported a second term. These two people are fantastically corrupt and the third one really doesn’t have the expansive national presence to even lift a finger, so you see that the experiment of 2023 will just be another fiasco.”

So, you see why I am not ‘lit’ by any of these candidacies. If the system cannot throw up fresh minds, strong legs and expansive leadership, let’s kuku just siddon and be looking.

When I listen to Tinubu and Atiku’s followers, I marvel at the utter ‘stupidity’ that drives their positions especially on this Tinubu’s certificate matter and his so-called glorious reign in Lagos. Atiku is weak, baggage-driven and really has passed his ‘sell by date’ but because both he and Tinubu understand the terrain, they still wiggle their way into nominations even with their testicles dangling for lack of usage.

Obi on the other hand, parades an army of fleet footed soldiers who in recent times have started abusing and threatening any dissenting voice. The candidate had to visit Femi Kuti whose Shrine had been marked down because he took a position. How Obi wants to win this election parading fake and distorted economic data and  facts with social media driven supporters and a lack of national spread beats my imagination.

Fear is my bedmate. Fear that we may have lost the opportunity of a lifetime by throwing up these ‘midgets’ at a time when we need a different kind of leadership in this country. Fear and misery is my lot. Thank you.

General Dambazau: You Should Have Tried It

One Brigadier General Kukasheka Usman who is said to be a one time Public Relations Officer in the office of General Dambazau has said that the former Chief of Army Staff should be remembered as a hero of democracy because he resisted the urge and push to topple President Goodluck Jonathan.

You see this kind of statement used to make me laugh. A man in retirement, instead of him to go and be feeding his grandchildren with kunu, will be coming on national media to be talking a whole lot of hogwash. Why he even threw up this statement really beats my imagination. I really don’t understand it. That the international community got wind and called them and they gave their words that they would not and that all that it would have taken was just a phone call and armoured tanks would have been rolled in and the government overthrown.

Oya, make the phone call and capture all the bandits and Boko Haram na. These people just make these statements’ as if all 200 milion of us are just slaves who will be preparing the rooms for them to come and sleep with our wives and daughters and after that we say thank you for a job well done. Na wa.

Please, General Dambazau, if this story is true, then I must really congratulate you for not trying it because the Nigeria of today is not the Nigeria of the 80s when your people will just wake up and overthrow the government because their wives fought inside mammy market.

We need to understand that Nigeria is a very important and sophisticated country. Forget that we are where we are, the fact still remains that this is a country of 200 million people. That time has passed when a few people, because they are in uniform, will just wake up one morning and go to a radio station and say in bad English:  “fellow Nigerians…” If you try it now, na stone we go stone una comot for there.

Please stop distracting us with these tales by moonlight, we have more serious issues to deal with o.

Rauf Aregbesola: A Quiet Revolution

Last week, I railed on these pages about the fiasco that is the Ikoyi Immigration Office. Since then, I have received so much feedback from Nigerians who are going through a harrowing experience just to secure new passports or in trying to renew them. My people, that place is just something else.

Then I got a call from top officials of the Ministry of Internal Affairs,  Mr. Aregbesola’s office who happens to be the supervisory minister. This top official was brimming in righteous anger. He took me through all the reforms that have been instituted in the place in a bid to make life a little bit more bearable for Nigerians. He mentioned that we can now go online to do our business thereby cutting off the leeches and scorpions who parade the immigration offices in brown uniforms.

He was really angry o as he explained the reforms and even sent a fact sheet on the matter to me. They have set up an automated system, eliminated cash payment, introduced standardized timelines, physical verification of  addresses, link to NIN and the introduction of a digital automated appointment system.

He even informed me that about 1.9 million passports have been issued between January 2021 and June 2022. In fact, so many reforms were listed on the fact sheet including automated visa issuance and all that.

He didn’t stop at that, he also sent a fact sheet on the correctional services too. They are reassessing the vulnerability status of all correctional facilities nationwide. They are also doing DNA testing on all inmates to ensure ‘recapture’ and also linking up with the National Open University (NOUN) for educational opportunities.

In fact, the information bros sent to me was plenty o. Federal Fire service and guguru defence even have their reforms.

You see my people; all these beautiful initiatives cannot work if we do not hit the human capital in these places. The major problem in Nigeria is Civil Servants. They are the unseen enemies. The devils and the leeches who corrupt the system, weaken the institutions and have allowed themselves to be politicized.

It is in that immigration service you will see the very worst of civil servants. They smile while stealing from you, smile while corrupting the system for their personal gains, smile while making the fruits of such wonderful reforms as listed on that fact sheet meaningless or how do you explain why to get a passport will take over two years and a call from the Ministers office brings it out in less than 12 hours.

How many Nigerians have the influence and juju of the Duke of Shomolu? Will everybody have to call the minister to get a passport? Which kind of country is this?

I thank the officials who not only stepped in to redress this situation but also took their time to explain to me how to operate the next time.

My advice is for them to go on a massive public enlightenment campaign on these reforms so that as we enter the immigration offices and are accosted by touts in uniform, we are armed with information.

Secondly, any reforms without clearing that place of those methuselahs is a waste of bloody time. We need to take out everybody there and bring in younger elements who have not been corrupted by the place and who will understand the use of technology in better serving Nigerians. Anything short of that Mr Aregbesola, is a waste of time. Thank you.

Funke Osibodu, It’s A Disturbing Affair

Mrs. Funke Osibodu is a brilliant Nigerian. An astute banker and businesswoman who has made her mark in this country. However, news that we are hearing from far away Benin is not looking palatable. We have heard that she has been arrested and that she has even cried out that her life may be in danger. The wahala of that Benin Disco is not today. From shareholder squabble, to the government not being able to pay for services and harassment and all that.

It has now come to a head with the federal government’s decision to take it over as a result of their inability to pay back loans taken from a consortium of banks as at the point of taking over.

Today, madam has been accused of trespassing and was dragged to police headquarters to cool her heels. She in turn has mentioned that within one month of the occupation, the company has lost over N750 million in collections.

All I can say is that, ‘it will be well’. I used to hate it when someone tells me that in the face of wahala but what else can one say in this kind of wahala.

When a beautiful woman and her family, hears the clarion call and decides to put all they have laboured for to contribute to society, create jobs and create value and is rewarded like this, what else can one say but,’ it is well’.

Madam, you are my friend and remain so forever. I know there is no single drop of corruption in your body and that you have been a sound and upright Nigerian and will remain so no matter what. You have my support and prayers.

Please where are you now, so I can send a beautiful plate of Afang to you. That is all I can do for now. My prayers are with you at this time.

NSITF: Termitarium in the House

How do you face a serious panel and look at them squarely in the face and say that termites have eaten up documents, vouchers evidencing payments totalling over N17 billion?

This is what top officials of the NSITF – I couldn’t be bothered with their full names – want Nigerians to believe. Another official said it was rain, and another said that the ‘pangolo’ they put the documents in are stored in some dark room in their premises.

You know Nigerians don’t like to face reality and focus. Everybody is screaming termites? Trying to link it to the past story of snakes and maybe monkeys who also ate money in other government parastatals.

You know me, I am like Fashola. I am a detective o. Shebi everybody went to the toll gate and it was Fashola who flew in from Abuja and was able to see very critical evidence that was used to kick DJ Switch into self-exile.

My own is that I don’t care about the money.  After all, didn’t we lose N2.8 billion when Buhari was first Petroleum minister in the 70s and is still petroleum minister today?

My people, it’s not about the money but about giving termites a bad name. How did they know it was termites, that is the question we should be asking them now. Are they biologists, how did they know it was termites? See, there are some ants that look like termites o. Red and with a big head like Dino Malaye.  How are we not sure they are not the ones? Why zero down on termites just like that because you think they can’t defend themselves? 

Let’s be getting our facts right that is my own and be bold. Have you seen or heard NNPC calling any animal name in all their own? Simply because they do not know the ant family so they keep quiet and chest it.

This NSITF oga just came out boldly and be calling termite like he even knows how many species of termite we have in Nigeria. Termite ko, tambolo ni. Please let’s face more serious issues abeg. Who stole the money?

Martha Udom – Love of My Life

Now calm down guys. Not that kind of love o, before Obong Udom will carry my name go to his pastor o. Remember the pastor that helped him with the prophecy that our next governor will be his fellow Pastor Udo Eno?

Anyways, beautiful Martha has come out to  endorse Mr. Akan Udofia. Mbok, Akwa Ibom is in a joyous mood. In an event in faraway America, the elegant First Lady singled out Akan Udofia for unique praise during her speech to Akwa Ibom people in the diaspora.

She not only did that but had ‘hi-fives’ with him and joined him on the dance floor. How Obong Udom will take all of this can be left to the imagination.

Udofia seems to be the main speaking point in Akwa Ibom. Despite the shenanigans of one Mr. Iginni, the now outgone INEC Rep, Akwa Ibomites and seemingly their lovable First Lady seem to have rested their urgings on the laps of good looking and cerebral Udofia. This endorsement by the First Lady has publicly shown the whole world that no matter how much you try to bury the aspirations of the people, time is the greatest healer and truth the sweetest balm will always rise up to the occasion.

Let me say a big thank you to our elegant and most successful First Lady, and to assure her that if there is any fallout from all of this from the House of Udom, that I have already had serious conversations with the Duchess of Shomolu on the possibility of…

Thank you.

Bayo Fatusin – ‘bon la viv’

Well, I know that not everybody did French in school. For those of us who did French, the title of this write up simply means, mbok, do you people serve Afang in your hotel?

My person, Bayo, has just dropped a very elegant institution on Joel Ogunnaike in Ikeja, giving the famous Marriot owned by my egbon Taiwo Afolabi a good run for their money.

Bayo’s Bon Hotel Safron is really a deliberate testament to glamour. The marble tiled floor, the classical music wafting through the sound systems, forcing you to a relaxed sleep, the cuisine, the beautiful pool all giving you a sense of departure from the hustle and bustle of Lagos.

I spent four nights there recently and marveled at the tranquility and sheer hypnotic hold the place had on me. I had gone to spend just one night o after the hustle and bustle of Emir Sanusi and ended up spending four nights because I could not just tear myself away from the luxurious settings and cultured service to go back to my dreary life in Shomolu.

Na one fine girl, that sent me my bill and I realized that I had to run. Let me just use this opportunity to congratulate my brother Bayo for such a lovely piece of art. Yes o, the hotel is art, not just a place you go to sleep.

When people show confidence in Nigeria by making such investments, the least we can do is to go there and sleep on credit abi. All na support.