John Kerry: A Beautiful Sighting

My people, that was how they invited me to Abuja to give a talk at the Chartered Institute of Bankers conference. They lodged me at the famous Transcorp Hilton and gave me food and asked me to come and talk.

Anyways, I spent the whole two nights dodging video calls from the Duchess who was determined to make my life a misery. Please, those of you who are not yet married, my candid advice is not to rush into the matter abeg. See the things that lined up Abuja and someone now made it her point of duty to be calling me on video every second thereby disturbing concentration and focus.

Anyways, me too, I was determined to complete my mission despite the intrusion. So, at 5 am, I was expecting the video call- when I was younger, they didn’t call me Ajanaku for nothing. The call came, it was the Duchess calling me on video. I jumped up like a Ukrainian soldier, jumped into my jalabiya and dashed out of the room with the phone still ringing.

I ran to ‘good boy’ Yemi Shodimu’s room. Knocked like a mad man and he opened, I jumped under his duvet and asked him to go and poo and then took the call.  “Duchess,” I began, “you woke me.”

She said, “Ohhhh sorry Duke, just wanted to be sure that you have taken your BP drugs.”

See mumu, person wey no care about drugs- I said “yes o, I did.”

She said, “oya call me when you wake up”, and I replied “ok dear.”

She ended the call. I smiled and told Yemi thank you. As I came out of his room, I saw CIA. Complete with black suit, black eye glasses and that thing in his ear. I shouted “ahhhhh, Duchess don send people come catch me o.”

Abi it is DSS? But DSS people no fine like this. DSS people, if you see them, you go know but this one fine well, tall and elegant. DSS suits no be like this o, those ones suit you can use it to catch fish in Ijaw land.

I started to walk slowly and apologised as I got nearby. I said, “Good morning sir,” and he responded. I looked again. This is American o. This can never be DSS, dem no get this kind accent. Kai, then I looked up and saw another three. I begin sweat.  I am in trouble today.

So, I was in between the first and the other three. A small corridor, nowhere to run to. I cannot call Yemi, he is still taking a poo. I cannot call Duchess, she would catch me.  I don die today.

The next thing, the first man said something inside his jacket and things started to happen. Movements, I just siddon for floor and started to pray. Then I looked up and saw him. John Kerry, former American presidential candidate and Secretary of State. I stood up just as he was coming near me. I said, “Good morning sir, I am the Duke of …” I didn’t finish o. He smiled at me and gave me a salute as they walked past me and entered the lift.

I shouted, “Yemiii come o, Yemi come ooo,” Yemi ran out with a towel around his big tummy,  with a chewing stick in his mouth. I said “guess who I just saw,”  and he said who? I said John Kerry. Yemi of Nollywood Yoruba section, looked at me and asked, “who is he?”

I just gave up and walked away. Kai.