Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Ezra Olubi’s Disrespectful Act 

Did you see President Buhari’s face after Mr. Ezra Olubi collected his awards and walked past him? President Buhari looked visibly mortified as he watched the ‘effigy’ casually strolled past him at his investiture. The video has gone viral, emerging a major source of debate.

The man, I hear, wore makeup; he put on lipstick and painted his nails black for the occasion. I hear that this is his usual mode of appearance which remains his inalienable right. But taking that to the National Honours, in my estimation, was just so disgraceful.

Though there was no dress code for the event, I am pained to ask but then again, even if there was, would anybody have remembered to state very clearly that men should not come with make-up and lipstick? I think this showing was quite disrespectful and he should have been denied entrance even if he was the only one employing all 200 million of us.

We all watched the recent funeral of Queen Elizabeth II. We saw tradition at its best. Over 1,000 years of tradition being displayed to the world. All who gained entrance into the inner sanctuary of the Chapel were appropriately dressed. There was no ‘fairy’ in the place and we all marvelled at the beauty of institutionalised traditional ethos.

Our own must be ‘jaga jaga’. People must sha show themselves and that was how this one carry himself, looking like a clown to go and collect award from a shocked president. How he even gained entrance to the place beats my imagination. Even small Ikoyi Club here, during their induction, if you are not appropriately dressed, you cannot enter, let alone a whole National Awards ceremony within the hallowed halls of the Presidency and our president standing on the seal of authority.

Someone should call that young man and pull his pants and spank him, if his parents missed the opportunity. Na wa.

Even Teni was Badly Behaved

You see, that list of over 400 Nigerians to be honoured with National awards, ‘get as he be’. Make I just keep quiet because if I talk now, they can deport me.

When you look at the list, what you will see is a motley grouping of the good, the bad and the ugly. E remain small, you would have seen Bobrisky’s name on it. I am sure as the honorees were being ushered in, they will be looking at themselves with some wanting to go back home not believing that they have been put in the same grouping with some people they are ‘seeing in this place’.

Anyways, that was how Teni, the beautiful and well talented musician found herself on that list. How she made the list continues to scatter my head. Maybe it’s because her state governor, not being able to pay for her services, did trade by barter because that career at best can be described as lukewarm. Anyways, that was how passenger found herself in front of President Buhari and didn’t know how to behave.

She stood there erect like she was standing in front of her head teacher in whatever primary school she attended. Grabbed the award from Mr. President and walked away with a slight frown on her face. This person deserves to be flogged. This President Buhari when he is supposed to be firm, he will just be standing there and be looking.

I trust OBJ, I don’t like comparing, but do you honestly think OBJ would not have asked her to kneel down there and raise her hands and close her eyes? He would not have only stopped there, he would have sent for her parents and her state governor to join in the punishment.

This was disrespectful to the President, the presidency, to old age and to Nigerians. This only shows that this person does not know the ramifications of a national award and the prestige it connotes. This is a classic case of clothing a pig.

I just tire.

Government Tompolo: The More You Look, the Less You See

Me sha, I want to write a play on this Oga. How he turns from fugitive to national saviour reach to write a big Nollywood blockbuster on. Kai! This story can only happen in Nigeria.

Well, those who should know have been querying all this ‘good news’ that we have been hearing. They say all these nine years pipeline and Ghanaian ships being blown up na ‘boju boju’. They should know, what do I know? I have never ever seen crude oil in my life let alone a real life militant turned crusader.

My own is that the picture of the pipelines with all that ‘small small’ pipe that look like what they used to sell kerosene for Shomolu no equate with the billions of dollars worth of crude oil that we have been hearing was being stolen.

Mbok, how can those small pipelines carry billions of dollars of crude? Like I have said, me I don’t know these things, so I will not talk too much. Make I just keep quiet.

But wait first, these ships that have been thieving our crude oil are so huge that I wonder how they have been entering, loading and cruising away sometimes with our girls on board for pleasure and all the security architecture like they like to call themselves will not see them. Every known uniform and non-uniformed security architecture are in that place o and these huge giant ships that are usually bigger than the whole of Shomolu will pass and nobody will see and it is this our Tompolo who will now come and use ‘shakabula’ to catch it.

Please, make una help me o. This Nigeria is a movie set I swear. All of us na actor and as you know, actor no dey die for film. Na here we all dey. God will help us. Hope is not yet lost, shebi we have two sleeping Presidential candidates and one trader on standby. Na Part Two we go see next year. Rubbish.

Yahaya Bello, Please Calm Down

There is something about concrete education that calms you down. When you see well educated people behave you will just know. So Kogi State woke up one morning and suddenly discovered that they owned the Obajana cement factory and invaded it. Just like that.

This is not how educated people behave. They just don’t carry arms over every little thing. The next thing we are seeing is a report of how someone in Dangote mistakenly placed a call during a strategy meeting and they were hearing of how Dangote was going to impregnate their wives and castrate all officials of Kogi State Government. The next thing we will hear is how Dangote is now flying on a broom and stealing all the manhood of the State House of Assembly members. You see what I am saying that educated people don’t behave this way.

So, you feel very strongly that you may have been hoodwinked or short changed during the takeover, what you do is very simple na. You first call for a meeting with the ‘usurpers’ after which if you are not satisfied, you follow both political and legal due process in getting justice. That is how educated people behave and not this ‘gra gra’ thing that we are seeing.

I read the statement released by Dangote and they have in an educated manner taken us down the process of acquisition up to the licenses gotten from the federal government and the compensation paid to original landowners. Now if you don’t agree, go to court and not go rent a crowd that will be shouting all over the place.

My brother, let’s behave like educated people and stop risking an investment that has thousands of Nigerians as shareholders. As an educated man you should by now know that Obajana is not only Aliko Dangote before you start thinking that he is the one trying to steal your mother’s virginity.

That investment is a huge one. Creating jobs for thousands, showing confidence in an economy that everybody is running away from and it is not for you to come and carry ‘agbero’ things to come and scatter the place.

If you have any strong position, the educated thing to do is to go to court. Simple. Thanks.

Reno Omokiri: Please Don’t Make Me Laugh

This Reno can find trouble. I am not on Twitter- don’t even know how it works but I get to see his posts and they continue to make me laugh.  The recent one is the one of people trolling Sanwo-Olu for increasing salaries of Lagos state civil servants.

Some trolls had gone on the internet to troll the governor that it was because of elections he was increasing salaries. Kai, Reno came back with an immortal classic: “go and tell your own state governors to increase staff salaries too because of elections.”

He continued, “tell them that instead of buying private jets and be running around in motorcades of over 50 cars, they too should increase salaries if they can.” He concluded by asking which Lagos State Governor has ever bought a private jet despite the state’s huge resources and that successive governors have worked hard to make Lagos what it is today for the rest of the nation to come and enjoy.

Mbok, me I know say na my Governor Reno is referring to in this matter. Yes, in Akwa Ibom, we have private jet o, we have long motorcades but have one of the lowest indices in education, health and infrastructure. Poverty level is on the rise and despondency of the people is at maximum levels and yes, we have private jet o.

Reno don’t be talking from one corner of your mouth, be talking full from your mouth, you are referring to my governor and I don’t know why you don’t want to mention his name. Me, I have helped you so when the court case comes, you will add money make I hire better lawyer o. Preferably not one wey win this year’s National Award. Kai!

Babajide Sanwo-Olu Pushing Stronger

My friend James Etonirun is a lifetime PDP member but he said something to me last week. He said, “Edgar, in this election I am PDP but voting for some personalities across party lines because of capacity. That is what seems to be the case with a lot of educated people who are not from Kogi.”This is particularly so for me. So, in Oyo State, I am supporting Makinde of PDP, Kwara, AbdulRahman of APC, Akwa Ibom of Akan Udofia of APC and Lagos, Sanwo-Olu of APC. For presidential, I abstain.

Jide, mbok make I call am Jide, has done well. He has shown a strong resolve to be honest, to work for the people despite the complex maze he operates in.

His recent push towards the Lekki Airport is another feather in his cap. This would further ramp up economic activities in the state which is the economic bastion of the country. The airport will create jobs, shore up government revenues, ease the gridlock in Apapa and generally shore up infrastructural development of the state.

This is why some of us are saying, ‘let Jide come again’. Le kan si, that is the mantra. He has tried, let him consolidate. Well done Your Excellency.

Ooni of Ife: On Polygamy We Stand

I have really not wanted to comment on this for fear that if I say the wrong thing, my finger will be twisted at night and I would have to carry ‘ebo’ in the midnight for forgiveness.

But my mischievous self will not agree o. So, the well-respected monarch tried monogamy twice with very colourful results. So, he decided to throw in competition.

I hear he is taking more wives at the same time. I like his large heart.  If you try and fail, you keep trying till you succeed. This time with three or is it two, cannot remember the actual number, the cache of success is higher because of the fear of replacement. I am sure that there is a grooming room for immediate replacements in case of turbulence.

This Ooni is my man o. I like him o and if you see the wives, their beauty is not here o. Very beautiful women that the Ooni have decided to make history with and we support. Keep the flag flying sir, some of us are watching and remain inspired by this. Congrats sir.

Usifo Ataga: A Sordid Story

I have just read a report in a national daily on the ‘confessions’ of the suspected killer of this gentleman. It is a sordid story of sex, drugs and violence. This young man lost his life in a bitter struggle for drug-laced sex. Fear is catching me o. You see there is an underground world of sex, drugs and violence in this country now. The economic climate has turned most of our young girls into purveyors of sex and the need to keep libidos up is also fuellng the drug craze.

So the middle-aged men with their financial resources fund this ecosystem in a partnership of evil. The men bring the funds and flaccid penis while the girls bring their nubile young and sweet bodies and in between these two you get the young boys who pimp the girls to the old men for a fee.

During my last play – Awo, I saw a very beautiful usher who propositioned me. She was a student of YabaTech and was extremely beautiful. My type. She walked up to me and offered me a ‘blowjob’. I looked at the girl with amazement. She could easily be my daughter and before I could say anything she said it’s N20,000 and you will credit my boyfriend’s account. Once he confirms the alert, I will do it.

I was shocked. I stood with my mouth open not knowing what to say or do. So, I asked her about herself and she told me she is from a broken home. Her mother is a teacher and father is nowhere to be found. First in a family of four and she is expected to help train the others. She stays in Festac with her boyfriend/pimp and also has to contribute there.

Apparently, I had been targeted because as we spoke, boyfriend/pimp calls.

 “How far?” He asked and she said, “we are talking.”

I panicked and asked her what just happened and she said, “we had agreed to approach you as the producer and that’s him checking to see if the deal was sealed.” I was weak.

I probed some more and found out that she was on drugs. The same drugs that this suspect claim to have taken during the sexual romp with Mr. Ataga. So, from what she told me, the drug relaxes her, puts her in the mood and then numbs her so the shame of the act doesn’t hit.

I thanked her and declined her offer which was met with stiff resistance and begging. That she cannot go back empty-handed because the boyfriend/pimp will not believe that nothing happened. I asked her about the funds from the ushering and she said she had sent that to her mother already. Kai! I gave her the N20,000 and asked my Production Manager to sack her.

I didn’t want a ‘trader’ on set before I go weak and go and buy market. The thing you will not do na to run away from am o.

This is the epidemic we now face in this country – sex, drugs and violence. This is the real epidemic consuming our youths. Prayer, we need.

Herbert Wigwe: A Big Congratulations

I have just heard that this massive Nigerian also got the awards. Like I have said earlier, the Honours paraded the good, the bad and the ugly. Herbert is definitely part of the good. A serious entrepreneur that has more than impacted the nation in some very serious manner. He more than deserves this honour and more. Here is wishing him many more such honours and recognitions. Well done sir and congratulations.

Kofi Tha Guru: Greatest Scammer Ever

Influential comedian and entertainer Kofi is my friend and brother. He called me one day and said, “Duke, I want you to star in my next movie. Na waka pass sha but you go hug one fine actress.” I said, “please my brother, let’s do it today, I no go get time next week.”

That was how I found myself on a movie set the very first time in my life. The actress was deliciously beautiful and I thank God that the director kept asking me to repeat the hugging scene. I hugged this actress more than 15 times to the point that if it was possible to impregnate from hugging, she for born twins. I hug o and director – God bless him, kept saying – cut and try again.

The movie is a brilliant one with very strong societal messages. Two friends come across easy fortunes by operating an illegal insurance brokerage. They make a lot of money and go on a spending spree but as expected, they come crashing.

I have seen the rushes and must confess that this work is a masterpiece. My acting was so incredibly hot that I have asked for my scene so that I can personally send it to the Oscar committee to consider a lifetime achievement award for me. No be small thing.

Kofi paired me with equally talented Owen Gee as lead protagonists with other such greats like Alibaba, MC Abbey, Chigul, Paul Adams starring. This is a must watch o.