Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Tinubu, Atiku’s Run and ‘Quench’ Campaigns

Please, if this is not a serious season, I would have been laughing all over the place. These grandpas are in a race to defeat nature. They have insisted that they are strong and ready. They have showed us themselves riding bicycles, jogging, dancing and the only thing left is for them to release sex tapes so we know that they are fully fit. In fact, the other day, one lady on Instagram challenged Tinubu to rounds of heavy sex. I quickly offered to replace him, stating my credentials as a man who has friends in APC but she declined, insisting that it was Tinubu she wanted. This one wants to kill our candidate o.

Anyways, these two Babas, once they do one small campaign, they will run abroad to refuel and come back. Last week, Atiku ran to France. Fani-Kayode alleged that he collapsed and that na drip they used to carry him inside plane. Dino released a video of Atiku eating in one canteen in France and asking us ‘if this place looks like a hospital?’

Tinubu had just come back from his refuelling the other day. You see, for me, I really do not have anything against old men aspiring because the problem with the complexity of this country is not the one that teenagers with no pubic hair will solve.

But if we are going to go for old men, not brittle-legged men who look like small breeze from Bar Beach will blow them away. This is not about riding stationary unplugged bicycles or jogging with oversized tracksuits and dancing like they have put staples in their knees like Atiku the other day.

Are we not tired of sickly old men? From Yar’Adua though to Buhari and now these two? Which kind of leaders are we throwing up? Sooner than you know it, we will now be having a budget for creche at Aso Rock so that our President will be taking feeding bottles in between meetings.

Nigeria is just a big circus.

Jimi Agbaje’s Cunny Homecoming

Did I just see a report that my egbon Jimi Agbaje was on his way back to APC? In the report, I saw him smiling and saying he was very happy to finally come back ‘home’. Mbok, the question is, did you ever go anywhere in the first place? Na posting you go na. You were on national assignment to PDP simple and work don finish and you have been recalled home.

Throughout Mr. Agbaje’s two time attempt at the Lagos seat, he had been dogged with accusations of being a ‘mole’ in PDP. He usually used to fight very strenuously to deny the accusations. In a meeting with him at his campaign office during those heady days, I had asked him and he mumbled somethings. Anyways, we are very happy that he has come back home after serving his party meritoriously in his posting.

This Nigeria na scam. All of us na real scam. Kai!

Abike Dabiri-Erewa and the ‘Ode’ in Us

Mummy lost her temper the other day on Twitter and it took the personality of the well-respected Mrs. Oby Ezekwesili to caution her. But mummy had lost it and returned by asking that one where she was when they were calling her names on Twitter.

She was so uncouth almost like a Shomolu market woman as she ranted all over the place. She was asking if she was the one that sent us to traffic drugs and if we were there when they were all over the place begging that we should not be killed in faraway Asian countries and all of that. Typical catfight o.

The fact is that she will not be cautioned especially as this attitude is very unbecoming of a high-ranking government official. She acted as if she was put there to do us a favour. Very negative messianic tendency from an untrained and by accident diplomat.

No be this Abike wey we dey see for NTA News? Now she is seeing herself like United Nations top diplomat cascading the world and causing more confusion everywhere. From Abidjan to Brazil and South Africa to Thailand, mummy is everywhere, putting mouth. Once something happens even before the better trained and well-suited foreign office people talk, she don talk.

This her diaspora office, mbok is it a parallel Ministry of External Affairs because me I am not understanding it again. Who carries on diplomatic business on Twitter abusing people up and down.

She is kuku correct. If we are not all ‘ode’ why would she be in that office in the first place let alone of being representative of the millions of Nigerians in the diaspora with little or no training. Na we be the ‘ode’. Thank you.

Yahaya Bello, You See Yourself?

Bro, you see yourself, now BUA said they are no longer interested in the huge expanse of land you offered them. I have read somewhere that when the Kogi State House of Assembly summoned them to find out why they hadn’t paid for the land or taken possession, those ones said “sorry, we are no longer interested.”

Who will be when they can just wake up one morning and enter their canoe – you know the whole place is flooded – and come and shut down the place claiming ownership. The drama with Obajana just ended with the federal government’s intervention. That was sick. It was a crazy turn. Even if they gave Bello that factory, will he even know how to handle the toilet bowl let alone running a multi-billion-dollar investment.

Every responsible government is begging for investments especially at this time when unemployment is even at its highest and the one major one you have in your state, you are doing cowboy and Indian with them and then you will now be expecting others to come and take a risk.

Mbok, e be like say the state will gain more from you following madam to the GYM daily to keep you busy till your tenure is over. Mbok, I tire.

Omoyele Sowore, Leave Dele Giwa Out of It

Mr. Sowore is a friend. At least we chat on Whatsapp about this and that. This is not to say that the next time they want to arrest him, anybody should come and ask me any question o. I don’t know him like that. We just chat once in a while when I am bored o.

Anyways, recently he sent me a post stating that he wants to throw up the Dele Giwa issue again. I tell my brother why not focus. You have a presidential campaign you are running and you are not doing well at all, na Dele Giwa you want to go and unearth?

I said to him, why not wait till you win and then use presidential powers to seek justice. As expected, he disagreed. You know he can argue and he no dey gree. I continued, “bro the youths who are throwing up Peter Obi and making him the issue were not even born when the man was unfortunately killed by the enemies of this country.”

Those ones have immediate issues they want resolved. I continued, you should ride on them and build a bridge to Peter Obi since politics is all about compromise and negotiations. “Ahhhhh” he screamed, “I knew that was where you were going to. I am not an establishment person. You are an Obi man,” he concluded.

Obi wey dey wear cheap shoe?  I am not an Obi man o. I told him that if he was going to be taken seriously, he should build a base and use that as leverage to negotiate himself into power. “At least, if you work hard enough, you can get an ambassadorial posting to Jamaica so you can better understand the uses of medical marijuana, something close to your chest.”

The man no gree o and I leave am go check one sexy picture one young sweet person sent to me.

For me, I have come to the conclusion that Mr. Sowore dey use this presidential run as immunity against his friends at the DSS and all those people that like to disturb him. Simple. Abi who dey arrest presidential candidate?

Ooni of Ife: The Polygamist Committee Reacts

Last week, I had mentioned, although very briefly, my concerns on the ongoing collection of wives by the highly revered king. Well, this week, the Polygamist Committee of which I am a bona fide member, has released a press release on the back of the announcement that the Ooni would be taking his fifth wife.

Let me reproduce the press release here verbatim:

  “Ooni of Ife – setting up to give polygamy a bad name

We in the polygamist committee have been watching with growing concern the recent activities of the great Ooni of Ife. The highly revered monarch in the last few weeks has been collecting wives the way farmers pick cotton in the fields. As at the last count, the well-respected monarch would have pulled in at least three new wives all within a few weeks.

While watching very closely these activities, we would first like to advise parents to keep their daughters, especially the light-skinned ones away from Ife and his immediate environs until we are very sure of what is going on.

The ancient and sacred institution of polygamy is a well respected and highly disciplined initiative guided by specific rules aimed at conferring dignity and respect to all involved especilaly the women who find themselves very lucky to be chosen.

This doesn’t seem to be the case in Ife as we are witnessing a corralling of women into a union that is at best shaky.

After two attempts at marriage in which both ended colourfully, we remain highly skeptical that the great ruler has empowered himself through, learning, tutelage and research on the very intricate web that is polygamy.

We fail to see the maturity needed to steer responsibly a polygamous setting seeing the way and manner these marriages are being contracted.

This is making us in the committee really worried that an implosion which appears inevitable will go a long way in giving our association a bad name.

It is in this wise that we advise the Ooni to suspend further marriages and subject himself to training and tutelage before continuing with this exercise.

We in the committee have resolved to put in place a robust and comprehensive training programme that will take him through the rudiments of polygamy.

Subjects like emotional maturity, emotional balancing, sexual stamina, the joys of sex toys – because he won’t have time to go round, in-law management, conflict resolution and rift management, among others.

We will also put his wives through the same training which will involve – self pleasure, humility and respect, conflict management, jealousy management, juju 101 among others.

Works by such great polygamists like Fela Anikulapo Kuti, MKO Abiola, Alafin of Oyo and Oba Tejuoso would be made available.

Lastly, the Polygamist Committee remain fearful of the situation and would like to distance itself from Ife for now except the great monarch agrees to subject himself and his wives to the 30-day training.

We wish him and his new wives well even as we seek his understanding of our position.

Thank you

 Duke of Shomolu

 Gen. Secretary

 Polygamist Committee”

ASUU President and the Night of a Thousand Laughs

The whole thing has come down to this. Asking for transport fare after holding the country down for over eight months. It was always clear from the start that the strike would not achieve anything. Asking for trillions from a government that is broke and insisting on being paid it all was always a class act in tom foolery.

Now that a court has asked them to return to class, they are now asking for transport fare. You see both sides – government and ASUU are just taking the country for a ride and leaving our kids to suffer and the system in dire straits.

They both know the solution but are too corrupted to face it squarely. Sell the schools simple and end this periodic debacle. This is just a brief interlude which I can swear with everything I hold dear, that we will still see this same strike on the same issues.

If ASUU no call strike in the next six months, I will go celibate and for an Ibibio man to say this you know I am not saying this lightly. I tell you. Jokers.

Eyimofe Atake: When Pedigree Meets the Arts

You will not believe that I have never met this fine gentleman physically. But I have met his very beautiful wife, Dorothy. We once attended a course at the Lagos Business School but that was years ago.

I, however, have been following his brilliant career and much more importantly his fashion sense. He drips and has the carriage to carry those beautiful pieces.

Anyways, during the week, I reached out. I am bringing my play Ogiame Erejuwa II to Lagos this December and as a prominent Itsekiri young man, I reached out. He immediately jumped on the train. The fact that the very rich and colourful story was coming to Lagos was a huge pull for him. He had supported the first showing in Warri and did not need too much push to join Amaju Pinnick and Julius Rone this time again.

So, guys, if you suddenly get to the gates of the Muson Hall and the gates are flung open for you to enter free to see the 80-man cast on stage with some of the most beautiful costumes you will ever see in your life, just kneel down on the spot and send a little prayer to Mr. Atake.

When pedigree meets the arts – I tell you.

Peter Obi: A Wonderful Sighting

My brother, Rufai Oseni, was having a tribute session for his late father and he invited me. I made it a point of duty to attend since I really do not attend such things. The wahala is usually too much and you know these Yoruba people, they will not serve Afang. Everything is Ewedu and Amala although the women who will be shaking their big bums and be daring you, usually make up for the huge disappointment that is their owambe parties.

But this one was different. Rufai is now the nation’s conscience. His take on national issues has thrown him up as our own ‘truth speaker’. Furthermore, he is fronting my media campaign for my December plays. We are staging an unprecedented four play series over four weekends and Rufai is the main person fronting both TV and radio campaigns. So, you see why I had to attend, make he no change him mind.

That was how I walked in and saw great writers, Jahman Anikulapo, Dr. Rueben Abati, Udeme Ufot and my brother Austin Ebose, Managing Director at Anchor Insurance. Then my other brother Timi George walked in. Timi is the Managing Director of FBN Custodian. Great guy.

As the usual Amala landed, I looked up and saw him. That was Peter Obi in his usual black outfit. Me, I even wondered how many of that black outfit he has abi na only one that they will be doing wash and dry for him. That dressing abeg is not presidential, na wetin dem dey wear go wake keep for your landlord. Not what presidential hopefuls wear.

Anyways, I imagined what the photo optics will do to my ego and to the many babes who look up to me as a huge influential Nigerian. So I called Rufai, I said, “bro can you introduce me to Mr. Obi?” He said sure.

He took me to the table. As we approached, I saw Jandor. That one was looking at me to come and greet him. Me, to come and look at ‘lightweight’ politician when we are walking towards Peter Obi? I made it a point to ask my intern who was with me to help me greet Jandor and snap picture with am, while I take my time and get presidential aspirant picture.

That was how Rufai introduced me to Mr. Obi. “This is Edgar, he is the Duke of Shomolu and a columnist with THISDAY.” The whole hall was admiring and envying me o. My brother, Kola Adeshina of Sahara Group was beside him and looked up immediately he heard my voice. I just give am ‘face’ make he do like he nor know me. You know why? As Obi don hear columnists, he don stand up with respect so I didn’t want Kola to dey ask me in front of Obi if that shoe he dash me size me. You know, since Kola gave me the shoe, I have not seen him. So, I just ‘bone’ him and put my serious journalist face on.

“Mr. Obi, I am indeed very privileged to meet you.”

 Those were the exact words Vice President Osinbajo told me when he came for my Play Awo. So, I save am to use am again. So I unleashed on Mr Obi those words and he smiled in his spare part dealer smile and said, “Oh a pleasure Mr. Duke.”

So I said, “Oya let us take picture” and he agreed.

As we turned, I noticed his shoe. Kai, this shoe no fine o. Which kind shoe is Labour Party presidential hopeful wearing like this? This shoe be like a cross between Cortina and rainboot. Very ugly and black. With this kind shoe, this man fit no get my vote o. He no see the shoe Udeme Ufot and Kola Adeshina wear beside am? Na wa o.

Well, what concerns me, I am not a Labour Party card-carrying member. I just hinted at my photographer to snap above the waist. Let’s leave the shoe out. No energy to explain anything to anybody.

Was nice meeting Mr. Obi though. His humility was gratifying and his sense of warmth was enveloping. But that shoe sha. Kai.