Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Wike, Keyamo, Fani-Kayode and Melaye: ‘Terrorists’ Unleashed

These four gentlemen are confirmed ‘terrorists’ and I love them. Their no holds barred approach to this our election is giving me super-duper goose pimples as they take on each other and everything with the frenzy of very hungry hyenas like the ones in Obasanjo’s zoo. They are mad men, who carry their madness with pride and are not hesitant in any way to deliver massive attacks.

Wike is the most wicked of them all. He has really finished his party Chairman, Iyorchia Ayu. Nothing he has not called that one o. It only remains to accuse him of erectile dysfunction. The way he tears into Ayu, you will really pity that one. There was one blow he gave – if I talk, Ayu’s children will disown him. I was on the toilet seat when I saw that one. I screamed and jumped up. Wow! This Wike na ‘terrorist’. The one that trips me the most is the one that he will be speaking and the next minute, his standby highlife band will break into ‘pepper dem’ song, and then he will start dancing like he has a bad case of kwashiorkor. Kai! This man na wa.

Femi Fani-Kayode na class act. Ohhh my God, the way he comes out in perfect Queen’s English and be saying – the man is a cretin, ill-bred, bastard whose mother gave birth to him in a latrine. Kai! Egbon Femi can fear me o. You really do not want to go near him o. When he blows his opponent, he will be sending the link to all just in case you may have missed it.

An interviewer’s delight who always ensures you get your viewership with his stunning abuse and attacks. I enjoy watching him o. The man worse pass Scud missile. You really don’t want to be his target. When he took on Melaye, I was weak. Ill-bred, he screamed. Coward who jumped out of a moving bus to evade arrest and a foolish idiot hiding in his toilet. I really don’t reckon with him – he continued because his father did not go to school. Kai, Femiii ooooo kai, you will soon kill someone with your yabis o.

His take on Amaechi remains indelible. He finished that one o, querying his upbringing and doubting if that one was given basic home training. I was just shouting as I watched on TV. Kai. Fear FFK o. Fear am o.

Keyamo came late to the party but has quickly pushed himself to the front making him a verbal terrorist of international repute. After falling on the way side with his lame attempt at defending the almost indefensible Tinubu Primary and secondary education gaffe, he has since bounced back o. See as he finished Momodu last week. He just tear that one cloth and we thank God that Uncle Dee used to wear undies. Otherwise, we would have been made to ogle at some privates which would have left us with no need to send an ovation.

Kai, he said Uncle is a known praise singer and he should remain in that space o and not dabble into things he is not trained for – policy analysis. Haba Keyamoooooooo!!! Keyamo!!! This is someone’s father and husband o. But why? Why will you finish a whole man like this? The first publisher of colour magazines in Nigeria that used to show us people’s bathrooms. Is it because your house no fine reach to enter Ovation? Please fear God o. Keyamo is a king in yabis and his Warri background also helps in no small measure.

Oh my God! Dino is someone you don’t want to mess with. He will not only yab you, he will release songs on you and do skits. Did you see the parody he did on Fani-Kayode when that one called him a useless oaf. This Dino is mad o, because Obasanjo used food to yab Femi, Dino act the thing for him parlor. Kai.

Dino songs of yabis are major hits. He will yab you o, from Buhari to Tinubu to FFK to anybody and he will usually end his songs with his fingers pulling down his eyes and sticking out his tongue making him uglier than usual. His Governor Yahaya Bello used to be his usual target but FFK and Buhari and Tinubu seem to be his subjects recently.

These four make the whole election season hilarious. Their no-holds barred attack and the creativity they put into it all continues to excite us and I think they should be inducted as legends into the Nigerian Comedy Hall of Fame.

They are all GOATS – greatest of all time. Kai. 

Muhammadu Buhari, Let’s Sit This Out

Just as some of us are warming ever so slightly towards the prospect of a possible Tinubu Presidency, Baba throws a wet blanket on the whole thing. He wants to be very involved in the campaigns. Be like say, Baba does not know the massive baggage he is carrying. The worst administration in almost all indices since the Civil War, a lethargic approach to government and a detached involvement with the citizenry will only lead to an apathy never before seen on the soap box.

The thing is that these elections are usually not really determined by an above the table measurement but by major control of the ‘structures’ otherwise, what would be giving Baba Buhari the courage and boldness to come out and be saying he wants to be involved in the campaign

You see, my five-day stay in Abuja, the other time, made me see Nigeria differently. You see all these noises we are making begin and end on social media o. The rest of the country are on a very different timepiece o. My hotel in Maitama had only NTA and also because NTA stations were covering my Play ‘Sardauna’,  I was forced to watch NTA all of those five days.

My people, if you watch NTA, you will think we are richer than America o. Na another different Nigeria those people are seeing o. To those people, there is no problem and the Government is doing its very best. From the newscasters, to the ‘talking heads’, even those on the streets that were interviewed, and this is what Buhari and his closest people will be fed with daily.

Even me, after five days I begin to ask myself questions. Na until I landed in Lagos and was hit by the corruption at the Airport that my brain reset. This na why Buhari will be believing that he is the best thing that has happened to us since Agege bread and as a result he is itching to join the campaign and push for continuity.

If he will be willing to take advice, na make he just start to look at his retirement plan. Concentrate more on drawing up activities that will fill his last days – maybe build a Presidential Library in Daura, collect visiting professorship in faraway places like Afghanistan, Peru and Himalaya and leave Tinubu alone.

Tinubu is very capable. He is turning worse situations into bad and careening church rats into the Ministry of Agriculture. He really does not need Buhari’s help on this. He is ok.

An overdose of Buhari is simply not what the Doctor has ordered for us. Oga, please just take a well deserved rest. Can’t you even marry a new wife or something? Kai.

Tinubu’s Manifesto Plagiarism Not Confirmed

Even me sef, when I saw the title, I screamed kai copy and paste but held my peace. Then I saw Uncle Dele Momodu’s attack. He said very clearly that it was a blatant copy of MKO Abiola’s Hope 93 Manifesto. I screamed o. Why would Tinubu do that? Doesn’t he know that Kola Abiola is in the race and may want to use his father’s manifesto for himself since he may not have the time to knock out something for himself.

All this wahala is because me I don’t want to read the thing o. Why bother, all the manifesto we have seen since independence which one work? Which one was implemented? They are usually not worth the paper they are printed on and are in some cases used to sell boli in front of the party’s secretariat, hence my disinterest.

Then my brother Keyamo landed. Kai, that one can yab o. He asked my dear Uncle Dele to maintain his lane and that he was better off with praise singing that he has almost turned into a Harvard degree programme rather than coming to a lane he knew nothing about. My brother, that is what they call ‘gbosa’ in Shomolu and as I write, I have not heard from Uncle Dele. I am sure he is somewhere with his BP meds and taking his time before responding.

This Keyamo is kinda wicked with the way he used to unleash. Terrorist.

Then my brother, Tope Fasua PhD enter the matter o. He came with big big English and was talking about ‘three apps’. I asked what three apps again in manifesto o. The thing was too long and engaging that after the first chapter, I just leave am and called my brother Magnus Onyibe.

“Mr. Onyibe, please fear God and tell me the truth. Your wife is my friend and I know you will not lie to me. Please, is Tinubu’s manifesto plagiarizing MKO Abiola?”

Now Mr. Onyibe is Harvard trained and just came back from a tour of America, where he attended Donald Trump’s daughter’s wedding and as such his world view is totally different from the Onyibe that was in Asaba as Commissioner. Now he has sat on a table across from Trump and Trump must have winked at him so his international credentials are no longer the same, hence my belief that he will be very objective in this matter.

Magnus, oya answer, and he went straight to the point after over 10 minutes of introduction.

“Edgar, the document is not plagiarizing anything. It only copied the title from MKO but the body of the document is not plagiarized. Not totally original but we are facing almost the same issues in Nigeria and as such we may all not be too far from each other.”

He concluded by saying that even someone in Buhari’s government is accusing Atiku of plagiarizing their own manifesto. I said ok o.

 So, I believe Mr Onyibe and will not agree with Uncle Dele Momodu that the APC manifesto was plagiarized simply because Magnus has said so. Case closed. Thank you.

Possible Terror Attack: Choose Today, Who Ye Shall Follow

My people, America and Britain send travel advisory to their people asking them to run away quickly and our government is saying we should not mind them. In fact, Uncle Lai who is the most creative politician of this dispensation has even come out to be asking if they can predict the next school shooting let alone predicting when the next attack will happen in Suleja Market.

My people, it is now for the very sensible ones among us to choose who we shall follow on this matter. Should we follow those who have credible intel with the latest technology to see terrorists masturbating in their caves or we follow those whose bedrooms were burgled in Aso Rock or those who stood there and terrorists invaded and released their compatriots from prison right under our very noses.

The choice is really ours o. As for me and my family, I have given myself travel advisory not to near Abuja until the US Ambassador not only comes back but is seen buying Suya in the Wuse market.

I don talk my own and I don keep quiet. Listen to Lai Mohammed at your own risk. Thank you.

Severance Package – Acquilla, are You Seeing?

Acqilla is one company I used to work for. I don’t want to call them name in full in case they carry lawyer and pursue me but I must tell this story because the thing is really paining me.

I have seen the report where Buhari and crew will be paid for failure.  Reports we are seeing from the Revenue Mobilisation and Fiscal Allocation Commission shows that we will be paying N63.45billion nationwide for failure. Yes, that is what we will be paying Buhari and his co-travelers for bringing the country to its knees after eight years.

Specifically, Buhari and his cast and crew in  the federal government will take home N3.39billion as severance package and this is not inclusive of a possible 300% of annual basic salary for life and other such benefits.

Now the ‘yeye’ governors and their minions will take home another N60b for the carnage they unleashed on us. As I was reading the report, anger and fear was my companion. Anger that we are rewarding incompetence and sadness because I now see the reason behind all that – the presidency is my life ambition.

You see our Presidency and indeed public office is now a retirement package. Instead of people to be planning their retirement with the licensed Pension Fund Administrators, they are shouting -Emilokan all over the place. You now see why the Presidency is  do or die. Why some people are taking drip and sex enhancement drugs to enter presidential campaign.

The most annoying is the N5m entitlement for Special Advisers. Mbok, what are they advising and the other day Tambuwal went and appointed 50 of such goons and the next minute they will say the Government is broke.

You will now be asking wetin concern Acquilla for the matter. Well let me tell you. So, I was contracted to turn the place around. I no blame dem, I over sell myself. As I dey talk that day for the interview, Oga Chuka was just looking at me with mouth open.

They gave me company and I struggled from day one till the day I ran away. The load was too much, the wahala, the fight everything. Lack of cohesion, I just run-away o. Since then they have not paid my money o. They are owing me so much money as back end salaries and the rest because they say I could not turn the company around so unlike Federal Government dem no pay my severance package o.

Even that Osun Governor wey just waka pass Osun, dem go pay am o.

Now compare, at least I no add to their debt, I just leave them the way I meet them. Now see Nigeria, we are giving Buhari and crew N3b from moving Naira from N300 to over N700, for coordinating the greatest exodus of youths – Japa- in our history, for the highest level of unemployment since civil war and increasing national debt to a reported N40 trillion and other woes wey I no want talk for here.

Please the day they are paid, please pay my money. If Buhari deserves a severance package, me sef I deserve same. Please anybody wey know Oga Chuka and Oga Nnamdi help me beg them. Tell them that my colleagues in destruction are being paid billions, even if na N1m dem give me out of my money, I will be grateful and not disturb them again. Na wa. Laugh wan kill me.

Chike Ogeah’s One Moment in Time

Let me end this column this week by sending very strong birthday wishes to my egbon and handsome man about town and the only husband of the elegant Funke, the great Hon. Chike Ogeah. I no dey fit spell him chieftaincy title so I leave am make I no offend the gods of Asaba.

Chike is a man I will never yab because the way his hand is, if he slap me, I go see Nebuchadnezzar. Kai. So, as I no want start to count stars that is why I will not ask for him age, before we start another ‘Tinubusque’ type rigmarole. Make I just say, happy birthday to a very classic gentleman. Happy birthday great sir and may the Almighty, give us the total grace to continue to wallow beneath your great wings. Happy birthday lord.