Loud Whispers With JOSEPH Edgar

Soludo vs Peter Obi: The Professor, The Trader and Massive Lies

You see, I really do not understand why Mr. Peter Obi will be going up and down the country and just be giving us ‘fabu’. This kind presidential aspirant is a new one o. Kai! In defense of his position as shredded by Professor Chukwuma Soludo, Obi was reported to have claimed that he was ‘number one in health’ and that he won the Melinda and Bill Gates prize. But what he actually won was the number one governor in the South-east in the eradication of polio and not in health nationwide as alluded. Basically, land of the blind, one eyed man is…

So, you see, at times when we want to pity Obi, he himself will not be pitying himself with all of these ‘fabu’. The thing is getting too much o. Someone should advise him.

Anyways, that was how the professor entered the matter and tore Obi to shreds. Prof. was not in a joking mood o as he fired from all cylinders. “Obi cannot win,” he bellowed in his baritone voice. Who is Obi to win? The man no dey baff and as such he cannot be president. He is just wasting his time and that of Ndigbo. How can a man wey never brush teeth since he left APGA win the election?

My people, this Soludo no be real person o. This level of bad bele can only be seen in run down brothels, where expiring prostitutes fight for a receding clientele base. This attack was devastating, well-oiled and primed for maximum effect. As we say in Shomolu, ‘Soludo really mean Obi.’

Coming from his home state governor, this attack was not going to be ignored. I called Obi and said, “Bro, ignore this person. No even answer am.”

Obi replied, “Duke, me wey go soon release him nudes?”

I shouted ahhhhh, abeg we no want see Prof whittled down glory o.

Obi against my advice came out with seven guns: “I am but a lowly trader, what do I know. Shebi na you be the Prof, oya go and do better.”

This Obi impressed me with that response o. Not like them Dino or that squeaky voiced Keyamo who will be out there doing Baba Sala instead of engaging.

That response should have put Prof in his place. But not this Prof o. This one that has turned Anambra into one of the dirtiest states in the country? Is it not this Prof who out of nothing to do, sent people to go and beat up my pastor – the great Lion of Odumeje- the liquid metal?

Prof says he will not be intimidated by bullies. He will say his own and really do not care if his sex tape is released to the public. He has already explained to Madam and as such he will continue to say his own. Poverty according to him under Obi increased by 50% and dropped fantastically to 14% during Obiano’s time. You guys remember that one abi? That is the one that his wife is a ‘slapper’ abi a ‘slappee’. This Anambra people, na drama house of horror.

As I write, I am trying to reach Obi feverishly to beg him to allow sleeping dogs lie, because the next thing now he will drop another fabu that during his time, Anambra recorded more pregnancies among 60-year-old women making him win the first prize in insemination. An award given to him by Hugh Hefner, the late great promoter of my first porn magazine, Playboy.

People of Nigeria, Obi has been stripped naked by no less a personality than his own state governor, the erudite Professor Soludo. I think his campaign has been mortally hit and I really do not see any hope of recovery and it is in this regard that I really do wish that Obi has anything on Soludo that we can use to make him pay.

A sex tape, a nude photo, Soludo begging for food in school anything that will also damage him. He cannot go scot free after what he has done. He too must suffer. This was a massive blow.

Kai! Soludo but you wicked sha.

Bola Tinubu and the Hundeyin’s ‘Curse’

You see, I hear that elephants dey fear rats. That the biggest irokos are usually felled by little men and that the great Samson was felled by the little Delilah. As I woke up to write this column at 4am when normal people are still sleeping, or crawling towards their housemaid’s room, I decided to say a little prayer for Mr. Tinubu.

“Oh Lord,” I screamed – the MFM way. “Any weapon fashioned against this our presidential ambition, should dieeeeeeeee!!! Die!!! Die!!! Die!!!” I continued screaming, shaking my head and jumping naked in the room. Duchess ran into the room in fear. I have not prayed this year. Even when my brother, Ken Etete, in a bid not to give me sponsorship stopped reading my messages, I did not pray. So you can understand Duchess’ amazement when she rushed in and saw me with a bottle of Holy Oil and a picture of Hundeyin, shouting dieeeeee oooo !!!!!.

The way this boy is going about this thing, I come dey pity Asiwaju. When they come out from one angle, the boy will open another flank. As they are closing one side, the boy will open another one. As Keyamo is screaming with his quarrelsome voice on TV, the boy will open another angle. You see why I have decided to take his matter to the Giver of life and the Source of all powers?

Mbok, this boy has gone to ask Deloitte question o. Those ones have replied in a way that could give their HR promotion. They are reported to have said that they do not recognise this particular Yoruba name talk less of giving him $1.8million, abi I cannot remember the amount again o.

This Hundeyin is like scabies. Very hard to treat. In University of Ibadan, I had scabies in my bumbum and the thing followed me for four years. The itching is bad. I think Wike has the thing that is why he will be giving a speech and the next minute he will start dancing — na lie, na the craw craw dey itch am.

Anyways, Hundeyin has defeated Keyamo and all the spokespersons of APC have been thrown into the matter. The boy even has the temerity to challenge Keyamo to an open debate. It’s looking like that one has dodged. You know, he prefers to ‘bully’ TV presenters – “Seun take paper and biro.” Now that the real student has challenged him, he will not talk o.

As for me, Hundeyin picture remains on my altar for prayers. May he be struck with gonorrhea or something that will distract him because if we are not careful, this boy will scatter everything o and instead of shouting, God bless PD, it will be ‘egba mi ooooo lo wo bobo yi o.’ That is what we will be shouting in the market square. Kai.

Yemi Osinbajo: Apology Not Accepted

You see, Prof. Osinbajo is a Yoruba man. If for anything else, Yoruba people know how to respect elders and greet people. They can spend hours greeting you on the main road and in the process reel out your family tree just to say hello.

They also know how to kneel and prostate while having this rendition. In fact, for you to engage any Yoruba person in this fine art of greeting you must be physically fit, if not na Lagoon Hospital you go end.

So, a whole Prof. Osinbajo during Governor Akeredolu’s Mama burial embarked on this journey with glee. He is an expert in greeting people. He even used to add their ‘oriki’ as he is greeting and sing for some of them and call their great grandfathers’ mistress names as part of the greeting.

So, the great and erudite professor took the podium and spent about one hour greeting people, saluting them, hailing them and all that. Nobody was spared, even the cleaners of the church and the head of Okada that cleared the road for him as he entered the town all received accolades during the marathon greetings.

Then the Jagaban, the Lion of Bourdillon, the Emilokan of our time, the Chicago Mayor, the defeater of Jonathan and the only husband of Oluremi, sitting smack in front of you, you forget?

No na. My brother Osinbajo, this is not how they used to fight this fight. You see how inexperience is doing you? You see why they say you do not have political sagacity. You ignore Jagaban? You forget to greet him? Ohhh my God!

You later apologised o. But we can never agree. This is a major slap on the face of authority. A man who made you? A man who brought you from a lowly handout seller at UNILAG and made you first a commissioner and now vice president and you do this? How can you bite the finger that has fed you like this?

You know Jagaban is a man of peace. He has even forgotten your name but me, I will never forget this. I will shout on his behalf and I will say that no apology will be accepted except you do the following and very quickly:

Carry ‘eboh’ complete with kolanut and red palm oil and two eggs in the middle of the night while dressed in white bed sheet with no shoes and chalk all over your face and go and drop at Falomo Roundabout in Ikoyi. Also send any beautiful and untouched female from your harem to Shomolu to spend just 49 days with the Duke of Shomolu and finally send a 500-word apology to the Jagaban and copy your boss, Muhammadu Buhari – he no teach you well and also copy the two factional leaders of Afenifere – please make it bold, you know one is 94 and the other is over 100, so they can read.

You have been a bad student. Didn’t you see how Tinubu, your leader and maker, greeted Buhari in Jos?  He got his followers to follow him in a chant – Buhari!!!!! Buhari!!!!! Buhari! That is how you greet an immortal.

Kai. Bro, you need urgent lessons o. kai.

Rufai Oseni: Let’s Beat Him up

Rufai has been annoying too many people in this country. From LASTMA, to the governor and so many political people with the way he talks on TV.

It is no wonder the other day that LASTMA caught him and he had to shout, “I will tell the governor” before they left him. Well, recently, some people who did not care if he was friends with the governor or not accosted him in the lift of a highbrow hotel in Abuja and threatened to beat him up.

Now if this was meant to intimidate him or not is what I don’t know. But the Rufai that I spoke to during the week remained very strong and courageous. “Edgar, abeg you know any juju man wey I fit contact? I need those incisions, that will make me invincible.”

I said no problem. You see, I have experience in these things. All na packaging. Rufai will be working around like ‘aje butter’ wearing a suit complete with pocket square. It is people who cannot fight that used to dress like that – pocket square? That is a clear sign of a man who cannot fight. You sef check am na, who dey wear pocket square and can fight? Nobody.

That is why those people will have the courage to threaten him inside a lift. Me? Who born anybody? Shomolu brought up? Me that I used to fight at Onipanu and at Apata public tap? Go and ask Gisorin. Gisorin was the local champion. He used to beat everybody and as such all the babes in Shomolu then were under his control. We used to call him ‘boxer alagbara’. But me I sha knew I could beat him.

So, one day, I challenged him to a fight. He had captured Bose. Bose was the Queen. She had k-legs but was very beautiful with sexy tribal marks. To earn Bose’s love, I had to fight Gisorin. And I told Rufai this story o to show him how a man should be.

I walked up to Gisorin at Adebiyi Street near the world-famous Good Evening street where you get the best prostitutes in the land. Immediately he saw me, he laughed. “Omo kobokobo,” he screamed and all his boys laughed. I looked at him the way Chinese people do in films and I started with my ‘snake in a monkey shadow’ pose. I said, “Gisorin, you kill my father, I kill you’’ and rushed at him. People of Nigeria, I did not see the blow o. The next thing, na my Mama breast I see myself wey she dey use hot towel dey press the huge koko on my head as she dey use her breast as pillow to tell me sorry.

This is why I respect Yoruba people till tomorrow because of Gisorin. So, I tell my brother Rufai, those people that threaten you, did they have tribal marks? He said he didn’t know that the lift was dark. I said, ok how many were they? He answered like two and that his own brother was a life witness.

I told him ok, no problem, it is a small matter we will handle it. I suggested we write a petition to the ICC at the Hague, this matter has passed Nigeria Police and ask for Interpol protection. This is beyond juju or any of those things. It is those people that used to guard the American President that we should use to protect you because the way you used to talk on TV some people will give you magun sef.

But seriously, threatening a man for his opinion? Threatening a man for standing on his conscience? A real shithole place we have found ourselves I tell you. Keep your head high my brother, nothing do you. If anything happens again, no call me o. Call the guguru defence, I hear they now carry guns. Kai!

Zenith Tech Fair Way to Go

I have just been invited by my brother, the ever brilliant Tope Fasoranti PhD to the Zenith Bank Tech Fair. I am especially excited about this event if for nothing else but because of the role technology has played in the economy and in our lives. Zenith Bank since inception has shown a glaring interest in technology, leveraging on it to build one of the country’s most viable and admired institutions.

So, it did not come as a surprise that they are headlining and arrow heading this massive project. Tagged: ‘Future Forward 2.0,’ the event would include a Zecathon, conferences, breakout masterclasses, exhibitions, raffle draws and lots more.

Owing to the level of influence and respect Zenith has in the space, they have been able to pull together some of the most brilliant players on technology globally. Huge international enterprises like Mckinsey, Google, Visa, Huawei and also with a fine smattering of some local super players like Opay headed by my former oga and good friend Olu Akanmu, CBN, Flutterwave, among others, form the core participants in these super eclectic happening.

Hosted by Dr. Umeoji who is the Deputy Managing Director of Zenith and my brother Ebenezer Onyeagwu who is the Managing Director the two-day event promises to be a blast and I will be there during the lunch break of both days. Look out for me and I hope they will serve Afang.

Tosin and Misan; A Love Story Never Told

These two people amaze me. They are truly in love. Nigeria of today, no get time for this kind of love. These two people continue to amaze not only me but everybody that comes near them.

Kai, they both run the wonderful franchise FC Accessories from where they distribute very iconic accessories to the well-heeled. But their story is not the story of the beautiful brand but a story of their love and friendship.

When I see them, I will be imagining the stories their bed would tell me if only I could understand the language of furniture. They cannot keep their hands off each other and Tosin will be saying, ‘my wife this and my wife that’ and when Misan comes, the way she will be looking at Tosin like the way I look at well-made Afang you will be ‘jealosing’ Tosin that such a beautiful creature can find him so amazingly interesting.

I used to pray for them o simply because this love is strong o. The last time I saw this kind of love was when my Papa buy my Mama Peugeot 404. I swear, when I buy Misan Parfait for Abuja, she no chop until Tosin come o. I swear, you will not believe. Be like juju.

I just want to wish these two everlasting and a rich union. May God continue to bless them and guide them. May there be no distractions and may they be blessed massively so that they can continue to show that truly, we can love selflessly.

Titi Oshodi and Her ‘BOSEKO’ Initiative

You see, if there is anything I really do like in this world, it is when my friends marry lovely wives. Titi is the very beautiful wife of my brother Demola Oshodi. Oh my God, this Demola lucky o. You should see his big head and now compare it to the very beautiful and elegant Titi, then you will know what I am talking about.

Last week, I called Demola who is in the thick of the Asiwaju campaigns as the brilliant intellectual that he is.

 “Demola, how is the campaign going?” I asked. “Won’t you people come and buy tickets to see ‘Awo’ my new play coming up this December so that your operatives will learn one thing or the other about leadership?”

He smiled and said, “why not talk to Titi, they are doing something brilliant that you will like.*

That was how I got introduced to BOSEKO. BOSEKO is an independent initiative that has been conceived to among others amplify success stories of Lagosians. It is a communications platform that leverages on visceral storytelling as a strong means of inspiring, empowering and engaging a curated target audience. Youths, MSMEs and young professionals are its main targets and I must say in this young age, they have really made serious inroads.

Titi has always been a communications expert. One of the most brilliant in space. She has plied her trades in many communications and marketing firms and it did not come as a surprise when she was tapped to join the first Sanwo-Olu campaign from where she was integrated into the administration in the first term.

By the time you are reading this, I would have given my talk to a team of about 20 young professionals on the platform. According to her, my story is a rich Lagos story. It is the story of how dreams come true in Lagos and of how Lagos has worked very closely with me to build one of the most enduring theatre platforms in the country.

Lagos, our Lagos. A place that makes the dreams of the very serious a reality. It is these stories that Titi’s BOSEKO is amplifying with the aim of replicating the successes of Lagosians in a way that will see a collective resolve to succeed. Well done my brother’s wife. Well done, my sister and God bless you and the team at BOSEKO.