Loud Whispers Jonas Agwu

Chatham House of Horror

I used to sha wonder what it is about this Chatham House that everybody will be rushing to. I first came upon it during Muhammadu Buhari’s time. He was going there to speak English. Now, Tinubu has carried his ‘teamship’ and gone there to do drama. After all the bulla ballu, they went to eat in a nearby Buka and someone said, “Baba you will have to dance ‘Buga’ so that the youths will be inspired,” and with all the creakiness, Daddy stood up and was attempting to raise shoulder.

The scene outside was very funny. First, we saw a motley crew of Baba’s supporters all looking swollen with the plenty jackets and cardigans they had to wear because of the cold. Mbok, before you could say ‘Okon Calabar’, Reno jumped in o.

Reno looked like an out-of-work Hollywood star going for his first audition after a terrible sex scandal. Mbok, he dressed well o. Beautiful trench coat, black pants, trendy turtleneck, black glamming boots and finally killing us with dark ‘bones’, the type that Jim Iyke used to wear when he is spitting on people in the name of acting.

Reno jumped into the crowd and immediately, the Bulla Ballu people swallowed him. They out-screamed him, they out-jumped him, they out-danced him, they out-did everything he did. You know say Reno no dey gree — he continued to shout and jump even though he was drowned and the scene was jumpy, chaotic and embarrassingly disgraceful.

You know me, I am a ‘racist’. Be looking, me I am a confirmed racist o. If I was a white man, I go really be better racist. Are we a serious people? See that kind of display on the streets of London. The white people walking past will just be looking and, in their minds, will be saying, ‘what is happening with the monkeys today?”

Yes na, abi no be monkey dey behave that way – prancing on the streets, humping the air, fist in the air and shouting, ‘Asiwaju – Ole,’ ‘Asiwaju for President’,?

 Na confirmed baboon and gorilla behaviour. Na wa.

Olaiya Igwe:  The ‘Bottom’ of the Matter

My own is always sha different. While the whole world is screaming, me I am analysing the video. This two-bit irrelevant actor suddenly burst on my phone with a multi-coloured skin type and speaking very feverishly in Yoruba with his hands in the air and walking towards what was looking like an Ocean. With added effects, we saw thunder and heard storms.

I cannot understand what exactly he is saying, but I keep hearing ‘Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu.’ He is apprehensive as if he is in a state of shock with eyes glazing and pouring spit everywhere.

Mr. Olaiya has just made history. He has taken political campaigning to the highest level. Now, let’s not get carried away o. Our women have been protesting naked for centuries. In fact, the debate on my new Play – Ufok Ibaan which depicts the Ikot Abasi women’s riot which led to the Aba Riots of the 1920s is on if we should show naked boobs or not.  The director is asking to show naked ‘boobs’ on the stage and I am all for it being a major expert in the field.

But Senator Udoma Udo Udoma whose great grandmother led the revolt and lost her life in the process, thinks otherwise. “Edgar, can you protect my grandmother’s dignity?”

So, you can see that Mr. Olaiya is a product of history. He has not done anything wrong or unprecedented. My own in the matter is that I have not been able to eat Afang since I saw that video.

How can a man have such a small’ ‘yansh’? It is so mysterious o. The bottom is so small that I wonder how he sits. Then the various colours that make up his skin type and then the knuckles. Mbok, don’t let me go on about that before they say I am body shaming him. I am not o. I am just thinking what millions are thinking but don’t have the guts to say out loud.

Cowardly Mr. Olaiye now stopped short of showing us his ‘pecker’. Now this is hypocritical because if as he said later that he had to go naked because the ‘spirits’ told him to, in order for him to show appreciation to Mrs. Tinubu for saving his life when he had pile, then he didn’t do it well and must refund whatever funds Madam spent on him so we use it on other more appreciative morons.

For me that video was vile, gut wrenching and sadly very ‘stupid’ to say the least. Please pardon my language because I have to really come down hard on this mimicker if we are to have sanity returned to the process.

Mr. Igwe kindly spare us the bitter experience of your naked butt next time and instead learn to show your ‘appreciation’ in a more matured and responsible manner.

My sympathy goes to your Madam if there is one, for having to suffer the indignity of it all. Sorry mummy, e ma bi nu si. Agba lon shey.

Ex-President Jonathan, Let’s Ignore Them

I am just looking at President Jonathan and hoping that he will behave like a real vexed Ijaw fisherman. PDP sent a ‘strong’ delegation to go and beg him to ‘forgive and forget’ and put in a word for them during this electioneering season.

PDP is right now suffering. As Asiwaju has declared at Chatham House – I am the front leader. PDP recognises the fact and their delegation has gone to beg a man that they shamed and derided in 2015.

They arrived at the decision after their very disgraceful rally in Lagos. From the videos, I think na only 30 people came out. I did not see Funke Akindele’s famed 12 million social media followers. The rally was pathetically ‘useless’ showing the Jandor/Akindele combo for what it is – a porn show.

After it all, they decided to go and beg Jonathan. Now my grouse. From the video, I do not know who was hosting who. Not sure if they came to Jonathan’s house or if it was on neutral grounds or if it was Okowa that was hosting.

No matter who was hosting, the refreshment was disgraceful and very far from presidential. If na Okowa present those refreshments, then he is not ready to be vice president. If na Jonathan, then maybe PDP have their answer there, that the man no get their time.

Let me describe what I saw on the table. Plenty bottled water, iced cold, three packs of pure water, guguru, groundnut, dates and tiger nuts for those with erectile dysfunction problems, cracker biscuits and ‘agbalumo’. They spread some on the table and left the rest on the floor.

If this is what PDP used to come and beg a whole President Jonathan after calling him clueless, then na them clueless. If na Jonathan use these things to entertain them, then the man is still vexing from the disgrace they gave him in 2015.

Even me, when I used to go and beg Duchess after catching me with the very lovely and curvy damsel down the street, I no use pure water beg, talk less of a whole husband of the legendary Patience. There is God ooooo. Lol.

Datti Ahmed, Run Away from Fani-Kayode

It is very clear that this Datti Baba-Ahmed does not read my column and if it is so, then he just may not get my vote as he no want make I chop. If he reads this column, he would have seen that I had put my Egbon  Femi Fani-Kayode in an elite grouping of expert political yabis merchants. Fani-Kayode, Dino Melaye and Festus Keyamo, SAN. These elite yabis merchants have honed their trade and carried it to another level. They form the very first entrants into Nigeria’s Yabis Hall of Fame.

That is how amateur and impish Datti carry fight go where the fight dey fear to enter. Like Saddam and his dud scud missiles, Datti came to Fani-Kayode – “when Obi was being a successful trader and me building a private university, you were busy sleeping with women…”

Kai, immediately I saw this one, I screamed ooo. Oh my God! Who advised this man o. It’s like me entering the most popular whore house in Shomolu – Juliet Hotel and happening on the putrid and ugly nakedness of the Madam  and asking her in my innocence, “Mummy, why your breast come flat like that?” Oh my God, I got the beating of my life and ended up at the nearby Military Hospital in intensive care.

That was just how Datti was dealt with by the master. Mbok, I cannot use my words, let me quote Fani-Kayode ooo. Kai, master. He captioned it ‘A love Letter to Datti Ahmed’ “…each of my children is worth more than 100 million of that bogus, classless, empty and 419 contraption that you call a university…”

Kai, Fani-Kayode was just starting, my head was swelling. Kai! “…unlike your brood of ill-bred desert rats and inconsequential piglets that you calyours…”

Someone should arrest Fani-Kayode. This is too much. By this time, I was rolling on the floor with tears in my eyes. Who send Datti ooo. Who send Datti ooo. Kai!

Oya one last one before I go chop “…I had decided to limit my response to you to the above words and tweet but given the fact that you are not gifted with much intelligence, I decided to give you a little more…”

Ogbeloooooooooo. Fani Power don finish Datti o.

My honest advice to Mr. Datti when it comes to yabis is – don’t do it. You do not have the flexibility, character or colour to engage in this. Leave it for the experts. Them Wike and Fani-Kayode and Keyamo are born ‘jagudas’. They understand the science of yabis, the timing needed for maximum impact and the understanding of the flexibility of words. But you, you are just stiff with no delivery skills. So why go look for trouble.

Please, why not do like Asiwaju the Delegator-in-Chief and look for someone in your team and delegate the yabis to. So, when my brother Dr Rueben Abati or Rufai ask you a question on ARISE TV: “Mr. Datti what do you think of Chief Fani-Kayode, he just called you an imbecile.”

You will look squarely at Rufai and say, “I believe in teamship, so I will ask my brother, Akpororo, to take that question.”

Then after the interview, you grab Rufai in that scrawny neck and say, “are you crazy? Do you want me to hear that my father was a bushman from the Kalahari Desert?”

Run away from Fani-Kayode ooo. He is lethal.

Seun Kuti, Count Me Out

You know how some people will just jump into matters that do not concern them? This one just waking up from slumber and reeling in whatever it is that he takes and eating buka rice, posts a video shouting – “Aisha Buhari you are fattttt, come and arrest me. You have chopped all the money, come and arrest me ooo.”

You see, even watching this video makes you complicit and guilty, deserving of a trip to Golgotha with an ankle slammed on your neck.

The boy has recanted. After seeing his great grandfather’s scrotum, he has come out to say, “Mummy don’t vex o. It was the devil and hunger.”

Now Seun don come add him own, not only talking about the fatness but also trying to educate us on the constitutionality or otherwise of the office of the First Lady.

You see, it is this kind of thing that used to make someone jump up and shout, I am not there ooo. I don’t know him ooo, I did not send him ooo.

Please Mummy, you know that I have been a very big fan. All these talks of fatness are just stupid. Where I come from in Akwa Ibom, we spend good money to take our sweet women into the fattening room. I have looked at your before and after pictures and I think these ones that they are calling you fat is far better from an Akwa Ibom man point of view sha o.

So Seun carrying his big head and brown teeth and be shouting you are fat is just water off the back of a chicken. Then also the matter of chopping money. Let me give him the great Tinubu retort – is it your money, fool?

This Seun comes from a long line of busy bodies. His forebears have been irritating power since time immemorial. From that their grandmother – Funmilayo down to his father, they have not been minding their business.

So, I am not surprised that this one, who needs to go do DNA, is now shouting after smoking vegetables that you are fat and have chopped money.

Please, in case your people miss their way on the way to go and arrest him, he lives in Ikeja. Let them enter a bus at Orile, the one that is shouting Ajah and drop at Coscharis bus stop and walk past the Aladura church on the street and enter one house painted black. You go see am there.

If you can’t find him there, please don’t ask me again, I have tried as a law abiding citizen. Seun, foolish boy…

Osita Oparaugo: Democratising Education

This my brother is a passionate Nigerian. Everything he touches must have an impact. One day, he called me to his Banana Island posh apartment. “Duke, I want to show you something.” He opened his laptop and ‘get bundi’ jumped at me. My people Osita with what this Get Bundi will achieve in no time in education the whole continent have not been able to achieve in centuries. Let me give you the gist.

Get Bundi provides STEM courses for secondary school JSS 1-SS3 with three years of revision for WAEC and JAMB. 4000 multiple choice questions as assessment and weekly live Q and A.

It also offers digital skill courses. From programming, graphics, video editing, cybersecurity with 12 assignments and a final practical examination for the diploma certificate.

He is presently working on getting the federal government certification meaning that we will now have school out of school. For just N2,000 per session you can imagine just how this will revolutionise education. It’s penetration and the balancing of quality. This is mad I swear. Osita is mad and I like mad people. Get Bundi.

Temi Popoola Shines with the NGX

The NGX is Nigeria’s biggest stock exchange. During the week, it decided to honour some of its listed companies and active stakeholders in its bid to deepen corporate governance among others. The event, which was held at the prestigious Civic Centre in Victoria Island, pooled in very influential members of the capital market community and leaders in the economic space.

My brother Temi shone like a million stars. In a black tux that made him look like a dark and bald-headed Brad Pitt, he welcomed guests to the high octane event while also asking them to sit back, relax and have fun.

For me, I had fun o. First I broke the dress code. They had said – black tie and me no dey wear tie again, I entered the place with white linen looking like Angel Gabriel going to have a discussion with Joseph.

I saw so many great people o. From my brother Asue and his brother Pastor Ituah Ighodalo, to the great Aig-Imoukhuede, the  legendary banker, to Gabriel Ogbechie who is one of the most influential investors in the market today. The boys who are running the incredibly successful CSCS were there looking like American Hollywood royalty. Jallo Waziri and Yinka Shonekan who just became Executive Director. Others like Ike Chioke, a very brilliant man and the Chairman of all Chairmen, Kwairanga were all in full bloom. Wow, I saw my great mentor who doesn’t even know he is my mentor, Bolaji Balogun. I hugged him and ran away.

I refused to go and greet Oscar for fear that he might knock me. I had yabbed him too much recently but all is well now. Things are now normalised and the Exchange is on the path to great strides.

Kai, I almost forgot to mention that I sat with the purple boys. Laide and Obinna. They just launched a N10 Billion IPO- audacious and bold. Great guys.

Had fun. Ate two plates and asked for the numbers of the caterers, the pepper soup was out of this world.

For D’banj, No Comment

The news of his arrest or whether na invite has hit the airwaves. D’banj has been skirting dangerously for some time now so I am not really that surprised by this news.

You see the moment the career started waning and he started dabbling into things he had no competence on, I began to pray for him. Now we are hearing stories on N-Power and the rest.

He is my friend. We hung out together in his house and he cooked okro soup for me so I will not put down a man that fed me. I stand by him even as we await the final conclusion of the investigations. My prayers remain with my brother, no worry, we no go chop beans.

Yinka Shonekan’s Well-deserved Recognition

Yinka is my friend and brother. When his father, the late Chief Ernest Shonekan, passed, I sent him my condolences and mentioned that the trek from the church to the final resting place in Ikoyi was quite a distance. That was my own contribution to that national event.

So, when I heard that he had been elevated by the Board of the CSCS Limited, I screamed. Well-deserved. Yinka is courageous, determined and brilliant. Kind-hearted and a lover of a good life. He is the only friend wey no dey bring anything for me when he travels. The rest like Femi Tejuoso will call and say, “Duke, as you no get money to travel again, wetin be your size?”

But Yinka will just say, “I dey come, I dey London.” The following week, he will announce, “I don come.”

If not for his brother, Jallo Waziri wey don give me better food for him house, I for release Yinka’s nude and no be that Olaiya type of apparition o.

But anyways, he is a good man. Highly cerebral and a force. Congrats my brother. Congrats.