Loud Whispers With Joseph Edgar
Abiye, Don’t Abuse Me Again Because of Tinubu
The strategy for selling Chief Tinubu among his Communications team and even people like Abiye who are very far from his campaign but are rabidly passionate about his candidacy, is to go after the personality of the opponent even if it is a humble Duke of Shomolu just seeking clarity.
We have heard nonsense about Reuben Abati, Rufai Oseni and Nduka Obaigbena.
That was how Abiye and I got into a little argument on the summit and I asked a simple question: “please what is forfeiture if not evidence of guilt?” The argument was that it was mere allegations that people who hate Tinubu have been bandying about his involvement in drugs, since he has not been convicted by any court of law on any of those charges.
Shebi, me I for just mind my business and go away. I now asked, “please if I am innocent of anything, will anybody force me to forfeit anything?”
I went on.
Abiye I get house for Lagos, if EFCC come say I be drug runner and na the money I use buy the house, will I now say, “my brother EFCC agent, please na UBA give me mortgage to buy the house and na my salary for dead BGL I dey use pay the mortgage and when I pay finish I sell the house and use the money buy this one for my side chic, but I ready to forfeit am make una leave me alone.”
So why am I forfeiting any amount at all if I am innocent. Abiye, a whole lawyer wey go Law School o and wey go free education, instead of him to answer question, start to do APC strategy: “Edgar, please face your script and be doing your play and leave politics.”
People, you see? This thing really pain me and I told him that that was very condescending and annoying. So, because I am a scriptwriter, I cannot understand politics? Is that the issue? Why not face the issue and stop badgering me? The next minute, he said, “Edgar, even if I can answer the question, I will not answer you.” You see, and he is an honourable man o.
My own is that, the next time he abuses me again over Tinubu or anybody for that matter, I go beat am and report myself to DSS. I dey tell am now o. Anybody that knows him, should tell him o. He dey call me ordinary scriptwriter because of Tinubu. Imagine.
Bola Tinubu – Let Me Ask ‘JAMB’ Question
As I no dey hear word, let me ask eight very critical questions from the candidate Bola Tinubu. Let me first state here that I want to really support his candidacy and probably vote for him because I really do believe that he has a lot to offer Nigeria especially if you see how he has moved Lagos from prehistoric times to modernity, making it compete very favourably with other such major cities in the world.
But first, let me expose myself before his people come at me. I bed wet, I have slept with my mother’s maids, I failed form four three times and got kicked out of school. I have been sacked by two banks and was a serial failure of aptitude tests that is why I did not get jobs on time. I am a porn addict, watching it twice daily at the same time when sane people are praying. What else? Yes I have cheated severally and I am a well-known polygamist if that is a sin. I had scabies in school, what you call ‘craw craw’ and have had erectile dysfunction recently but cured it with Friska tea and dates and tiger nuts. Today I fire more than a teenager.
Oya I have yabbed myself, anything that remains is inconsequential, so the APC people cannot come after me. So, these are my questions Mr. Tinubu, if you answer just four out of the eight, I will immediately leave my ‘wetin concern me’ position on this election and start carrying broom all over the place.
Please Tinubu, can you tell us which village is your own? What qualifications did you use to gain admission into Chicago University? What is your response to the reported denial of Deloitte of your employment with them? What is the source of your real and true wealth, because there is nothing on ground except TVC to show? The documents submitted in 1999 to be governor, why are we not using them again this time, what happened? What is the true nature of your health and can you subject yourself to an independent medical assessment like people do when they seek employment? Why has Hundeyin not been sued for libel or slander for all the ‘spurious allegations’ he has made on your person. Finally, apart from ‘Emilokan’ what exactly are you bringing to the table?
Please sir, I will really appreciate it if you took the time and look at Nigerians squarely in our faces and without delegating just attempt to answer only four of these questions and I swear on my father’s grave that I will never look for your trouble again.
Now a warning. Anybody that comes at me with abuse, please remember that me I am not ‘aje butter’ o. I was born in Shomolu and I know how to give back. If you yab me, I yab you. Simple.
Let’s save this country. We owe our children and humanity this simple task of throwing up leaders of true worth. Thank you.
Because of Atiku, Osa Umweni Fired Back
So last week, I blew Atiku’s candidacy out of the water. I ushered him to speedy retirement in the sands of Dubai and also plastered his running mate Okowa with the mud of failure.
As expected, his people came after me o. Mbok, after this election I wonder if I will even find where to eat my Afang in peace. I dey fight Tinubu people, I dey fight Atiku people, I dey fight Obi people. Na wa. All three in my estimation na zero hence my angst and irritation.
Anyways, out of all the abuse hurled at me, na only Osa get the liver to write an article. Osa Unwenmi is a digital marketing expert and a die-hard Atiku fan and a strong member of the Duke Summit. The other day, he sent us a picture of him and his brother Bode Falade serving tea at a function with Atiku.
Normally, Osa will call and abuse my father or go on the platform and rant. But a renewed Osa – since he came back from London, Osa na gentleman now o- called to say, “If I send a rejoinder, will you publish? I say no problem as long as you no abuse my papa. So Osa has sent his rejoinder and here it goes:
“Joseph Edgar and the Elasticity of Satire
“Prolific satirist and creative petrolhead, Joseph Edgar, went ballistic in his character to dismiss the chances of the PDP presidential candidate in one fell swoop via his Loud Whispers THISDAY Sunday column.
The mischaracterisation of Wazirin Adamawa as a political novice is stranger than fiction in Edgar’s own words. At first glance one is not inclined to respond at this treatise that aims for the underbelly of the main opposition party who has paid his dues in Nigeria’s nascent democracy from 1999 till date. The groundswell of support that has greeted the PDP candidate across the geopolitical zones speaks volumes about his popularity.
It’s imperative for Edgar that it’s the populace that decides the outcome of elections and it’s a game of numbers and not some woven narrative hinged on “Alawada Keri’iiii Keri’iiii” bandwidth.
The allusion that His Excellency, Dr. Ifeanyi Okowa is an intern in the political ecosystem beggars belief. Edgar’s submission that a former LG Chairman, SSG, Senator then incumbent governor is not well grounded is laughable. It means his Political Science degree at UI counts for nothing. In his wild imagination he has declared the results of the Delta State guber elections before the polls. What could be more preposterous? It is advisable that he employs his newfound election prediction pendulum for SUG elections rather than cast-in-stone pontification in public domain.
On Governor Wike, I will not join issues with the illustrious political entity as reconciliation efforts are ongoing. I will also like to add that Wike will not destroy the house that he contributed to its development.
On the sojourn of HE, Atiku to Dubai – It’s beyond the prism of Edgar to criminalise and demonise an individual on an odyssey in his personal capacity. Going forward it augurs well for Edgar to jaw jaw on his thespian endeavours and desist from throwing potshots at issues beyond his satirical comprehension….
Osa Umweni”
Osa too get sense. He call me ‘prolific’ so I will not vex and yab him. Thank you o my brother. From one prolific man to the other, well-done. But like his brother Abiye of the APC, he has also said I should face ‘thespian endeavours’ and leave politics. There is something really wrong with these people in their head. Kai.
ANAP’s Faulty Opinion Polls on Peter Obi
If Peter Obi is believing all these spurious polls, then he is really getting high on his own supplies. These ANAP people will just send WhatsApp messages to some people and collate results therein and come out with funny conclusions. Then go on TV or media and be postulating.
They first did this sometime in September and now they have done it again. Obi according to them got a 23% lead by respondents and Tinubu 13% and Atiku 10% and Kwankwaso 2% .
They further said that the polls were carried out on mobile phones and there lies the folly of their action. This is a clear ‘wururu’ to the answer. Person that wants his brother to win at all costs will gather all him staff and say, “oya take data and begin to answer question.”
Those looking for a Christmas bonus will answer question and they will now go on top TV and say, “Obi is leading ooo.”
This is a wonderful disservice to Obi if you ask me because this can make him believe the smoke and relax. Truth is that Obi has offered the ‘Igbo’ man, youths and those of us who seek the enthronement of a merit-based system the best opportunity ever in the history of this country. Sadly, the momentum would not gather enough steam to deliver the presidency but will provide a very strong platform for another. In other words, Obi is the John the Baptist of our time. He has come to prepare the grounds for the eventual emergence of the saviour.
He is not the saviour but a very strong pacemaker for the saviour. He is the Martin Luther King Jr to Barack Obama. The prayer is that our country cannot afford to wait as long as Obama did because if this messiah no come in 2027, I am not there o.
APC’s Infrastructural Revolution
Call APC anything you want to call them. What cannot be denied is the magic they have fostered on the Infrastructural terrain of the country. From the ones that I can see from my position, I think they have performed far better than recent administrations. In fact, since General Ibrahim Babangida’s Mainland Bridge, I do not think any administration has impacted on the country in this area like they have done.
Did you see my ‘guy’ Sanwo-Olu during the week, riding the Lagos blue line? I hear it can move thousands from Iganmu to Lagos Island in five minutes. The impact of this on the economy of Nigeria’s largest state and Africa’s 5th largest economy cannot be imagined.
The second Niger Bridge which has just been opened if IPOB will allow it is another huge feat. Easing off vehicular traffic between two strategic parts of the country and enhancing and pushing commercial activities is a wonder. All over the country, bridges, trains and other such massive impact led infrastructural wonders are being unveiled.
In that regard, APC has done remarkably well and I really would like to say kudos to them for all of this. Thank you.
DSS Please Calm Down
We woke up to a news report that a court has stopped the DSS from arresting the CBN Governor. Ahh. That was how I screamed o when I saw the news. I was brushing my teeth and was wondering why my tongue was white. I say let me go and get more paste on the thing, when I saw the news item scroll on the TV. Arrest the CBN governor and keep him for how long?
Please, you people should be calming down o. Do you even know the implications of that move on the markets, economy, economic bilateral agreements and global investor confidence?
I even thank God that you people did not do it the usual way of just oozing the light in his house, jumping in through the window and pulling the man from on top of his wife just when he finally got it up after four hours of trying.
That would have led to the final collapse of the economy, the final crashing of the Naira and the end of what we know as the largest economy in Africa.
Please, I do not even know how a CBN Governor will be involved in terrorism. The reason for this attempt is very obvious for us to see as we are not a blind people. But in trying to achieve whatever is the plan, altruistic or not, kindly note that this particular one is not an ordinary man o. Any attempt like this knee jerk approach on his person and office will be a disaster for us economically o.
This is not Saraki o, that you people, surround his office like that o. This is not Justice of the Supreme Court o. This is not Sowore o, that you will drag down the corridor of a ‘per hour hotel’, this is the Central Bank Governor o. A man that even if it is malaria that is doing him, markets will shake o, talk less of detaining him for a second.
Me I no kuku like him. He has not been all that, rating very lowly on my table of great CBN governors but even at that, attempting to detain him for whatever reasons is ill-advised. Thank you. Let’s calm down and be strategic. Na beg.
Trial of Brother Doyin Okupe
My brother has suffered o. They will say, ‘someone who they want to burn is now throwing fuel all over his body’. The man is the Director-General of the Labour Party that seems to be giving mainstream sleepless nights and as such a target.
He himself is not comporting himself. First getting himself embroiled in all the shenanigans that led to his suspension or is it expulsion from the party in his state, and now this conviction.
Thankfully, the matter started long before his present sojourn with the Labour Party. But the judgment coming at this point is a major slap on the party and the ideals it stands for.
A party that is saying we want to do things differently cannot have a convict with a N13m bounty on his head lead the push. The contradiction of it all would have been too messy to contemplate. I thank him and those who advised him to resign. That resignation is like cutting off the leprous part of the body so that there will be no loss of life.
Mr. Okupe by his pedigree and all that, has always been a baggage to the Labour Party and I have always wanted to see how his involvement would have been explained away. He now finally sha helped us with this wahala with his eventual resignation.
I am very happy that like biblical Jonah, he has thrown himself overboard and into the belly of the huge fish. The Labour Party can now focus and see how they will run this race.
Ahmed Idris: ‘Klepto’-in-Chief
This one is just a ‘klepto’. Clear and simple. No need to be mincing words on this matter. Are you seeing what is being reported that they are recovering from him? Pray what exactly was he carting away all these funds for? Was he planning on seceding and forming his own country that he had to steal this much from us to go set up?
Reports I am seeing suggest that the following have been recovered so far: $899,000, N305 Million and 15 properties spread all over Abuja and Kaduna. Thankfully, the judge was reported to have ruled that all these and more be forfeited. This one now in 10 years will come and say, “I didn’t steal o, I only forfeited,” and will be carrying broom and be running around the place asking us to vote for him.
A civil servant? An accountant who rose up to be the accountant general only to go on an obnoxious stealing spree? People will now be saying, “only in Nigeria.” This is an individual who corrupted the system, took advantage of the weakened institutions and stole himself to stupor.
He will be sitting in meetings and be listening to heads of government agencies lamenting about the paucity of funds to run their agencies o. He will also be sitting down there and listening to the Minister of Health lamenting at how he is finding it difficult to fund health care and he won’t say anything knowing that he has more than enough to sort out that problem o. God will not forgive this one abeg. Na wa.
I Hear Argentina Won Qatar 2022
You see, I am a very rare species. I used to like football a lot but today, you cannot find me sit down and watch 22 grown-ups chase a ball around a field and when one puts the ball in the net, four billion people all over the world will scream and be running around naked and doing somethings that will make the most rascally truant in kindergarten look like an angel.
Last week, it was the World Cup final and I didn’t even notice. I was on my way to the Muson Centre when I heard on the radio that it was the World Cup final by 4pm. Ahhh, I screamed: “same time as my play, Awo.”
I started panicking that people would not come o. They would stick to their TV sets and be watching the game rather than come to see the spectacular theatre production that I have put in place.
I should not have worried because the crowd came out. Over 2,000 people and nowhere to sit. My people, although women and children made up over eighty per cent of attendance, I was very happy. The show went on very well and then I heard Argentina won.
I wish them well, especially their captain, the great Messi. But for me, the memory of the World Cup was that of the French President walking on the pitch to go and console his player. Na that one make me cry, not all the goals that were scored. Kai.
