Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Tinubu, Atiku and a Nation of No Shame

Nigerians should really be ashamed of themselves at this point. If it is these two men that we have given ourselves as options for leadership at this point of national development then we are a totally errant people. So, after over 60 years of independence, many military coups, June 12 and the rest, it is these men that we are running around the length and breadth of the country and are shouting Emilokan or is it Waziri’s time for presidency. Kai!

The way these men have been going at each other with accusations and counter-accusations of thievery, corruption, drug running, ill health and the like, we should all just be bowing our heads in utter shame. The only thing that they have not accused themselves of just yet is sexual perversion. 

Nothing has been spared. Atiku and Tinubu have thrown everything at each other, complete with the kitchen sink. These past two weeks have been nothing but shame at both sides but the bigger shame is on us.

Atiku and Tinubu have achieved what in cold war terms used to be called -Mutual Assured Destruction. If we are in a sane society, after all these revelations they should be in various branches of the EFCC answering some very strong questions but instead one of them will be President come May

If Atiku and Tinubu have any iota of integrity, they should just step down and apologise to Nigerians.  But knowing them very well, asking for this is to look for a virgin in a maternity ward.

Today, shame begets us. We are just a collection of 200 million shameless people.

Titi Atiku:  A Grandmother in Impasse

What exactly was the matriarch of the Atiku dynasty doing and saying in that BBC -Yoruba clip? In heavy make-up that made her look a little more than a retiree, she tried her very best to give Nigerians a strong reason to vote for her husband.

Her reason is that she wants to be the first Yoruba first lady.

Oh my God! I thought I was now immune to the perfidy that pervades these campaigns, but this one ‘off’ me. Why would someone’s grandmother come out and say something like this?

It is very hard not to get angry at these things. So 200 million people should go and vote for the next president because his wife wants to be the first ‘Yoruba first lady’? Imagine.

You see our life?

As I watched this thing, I bowed my head in tears. Can it get any worse? Can this horror movie just come to an end already?

Mummy can you please go and sit down, before I say something that will make me offend my late mother. You are a grandmother, a symbol of Nigerian motherhood, so you had better respect yourself. Just go abeg. Thank you.

For Obi, Kwankwaso, Sowore, Kola, History Beckons

Let me first send a very strong warning to Mr. Peter Obi. All these talks of stepping down for Mr. Atiku would end you finally. If you try it, you will find yourself in the smelliest political dustbin reeking with the smell of shame and no amount of wash, wash will ever clean you again.

I had always believed that at the end, you will move towards Atiku because you will not have enough weight to push at the Presidency. But with what is on the ground now, you should be looking at building a massive coalition with the rest of the contestants in a very strong bid to push these two off.

This is the time to think Nigeria and no longer think individual. It will be advisable to form coalitions with other parties to challenge the big contenders. Atiku appears to be the weakest link since you both share the same ideological background – if there is anything like that and same appeal to certain geographical spread. Go at his heels, gnaw at him, push heavily into his base and pull out some more of his supporters.

You cannot touch APC. They are way too strong right now. But Atiku has been weakened by the G-5.

Gun for 40% of his votes, push the coalition, work with Kwankwaso and Kola Abiola and you just may have the chance.

Anything less, na to go back go supermarket or Onitsha Market go dey sell spare part and that will be very sad. Abeg, think of this my advice and let’s move. We are ready. I don buy the T-shirt.

Jide Benson, I Must Beat You

There is no way that I will not beat this boy whenever I see him. This boy who was my junior in secondary school and who cannot even stand when I was the greatest bully of them all in Command Secondary School, will now because he is a brilliant radio presenter, lecturer at the prestigious Pan African University can come and be yabbing me just like that.

Since I declared my unwavering support for Mr. Kola Abiola of the PRP, the way people have been yabbing me, you will pity me. But I stand in strong resolve with my candidate and remain solid in my support for him- I have even done t-shirt sef for him.

Now people of Nigeria come and see what Jide Benson posted in my Whatsapp group o. My Whatsapp group where I am admin. If I remove him now, they will say that I am a dictator. But this thing that Jide did, if he doesn’t send a sincere apology, I will not only remove him from the group but will look for his nude where he was bathing naked as a child in Myoung Barracks and release it and there is nothing the very beautiful Moji who is his sweet sister can do about it.

See wetin Jide get the liver to tell a whole Duke of Shomolu – “….by the way, you are over hyping Kola Abiola. The PRP was a party. It no longer has spunk. Balarabe Musa is dead and I doubt he has foot soldiers to give the party wings.”

He continued: “If na PR you dey do for MKO pikin, it’s okay but if you are making him think he will pull any surprises, then you are on a transmission line and a super highway to bala blu…..”

Ohhh I miss Command. Jideeeeeeee. Jideeeeeeee, by now me and Bufo would have given him grass to cut and made him wash plates at the dining hall and make him write an essay on how to respect seniors.

Kai, shey una see wetin democracy dey cause. Kai? Jide…..

Sanwo-Olu, I Really Don’t Know Him…

Since I posted a picture of me and His Excellency Mr Babajide Sanwo-Olu who happen to be my candidate for the Lagos State position, I have not rested.

Edgar, please help me with my CV. Edgar, LASTMA has towed my car since last year. Edgar, the LASUTH doctors have refused to treat my syphilis, can you assist. Edgar, please lend me money because now you are inside Lagos treasury. Edgar, my son needs a job in Alausa. Edgar, one man touch my breast inside secretariat, help me. I need to report to His Excellency. Edgar Sanwo-Olu’s motorcade splashed me with water. I need reparations.

Me, I don tire. See let me tell you people, I don’t know Sanwo-Olu like that o, na only three times I have met him in my life – the first when he came to see my play, ‘Awo’ with Segun Awolowo; the second when my brother Bonu his Special Adviser on Culture took me on a courtesy call to his office and that one na the whole Exco I jam there with him. Too many Yoruba people in the room; and the last time was at Chief Anyaoku’s birthday where we took the picture I posted.

So, my people, a man that I have met only three times in my life I cannot go and be asking to help you beg your wife to come back home after catching you with housemaid na.

The other day, I got a call. Edgar, you don’t use to like to help people. Since I have been begging you to talk to Sanwo-Olu I need contract from Ibile Holdings and you have not said anything. Remember there is God o and nothing is permanent. Haaaaaaaaa, bro is cursing me o and wishing me ill cos of Sanwo-Olu wey no even fit spell my Ibibio name.

Sanwo-Olu, please, if you are reading this, abeg send me person number I can send all these people to. Even if it is a gate man at the State House so that people can see that at least I have tried. The kind of curses and abuses I have received since the picture I posted is enough to make me lose my manhood o.

People of Lagos, I don’t know Sanwo-Olu like that o. If I knew him like that will you people even see me to be abusing? Abi you people don’t see how people who know governor used to live? Mbok, make una leave me o, this rain wey dey fall, he dey fall for everybody roof ooo. Kai!

Dino Melaye: Something is Wrong Here

Did you guys watch the video where Dino was mimicking the APC presidential candidate and falling on the floor and singing “him hand dey shake?” It was hilariously stupid.

I watched the video with mixed feelings. This is how low we have gotten. But then again do I blame him and his party? When FFK of Cambridge is firing from all cylinders and using terms like sodomy and showing pictures of Dino’s naked butts. I guess all gloves are off and nothing is sacred even the health conditions of an old man.

If you ask me, this is the lowest. Even if the Baba himself no respect himself, good home training should not let anybody, talk less of a former Senator of the Federal Republic go this low in proving any point.

Last week, I was invited by the PDP to come and discuss their spurious $10billion SME Fund and just before we were called on stage, someone who is a strong PDP supporter said, “will someone like Dino be part of these? He is a joke. Can he even connect with the issues that are going to be discussed today?” They all agreed with the speaker and they were all very strong and staunch members of the PDP.

I think the joke is on us because we continue to give clowns relevance and precious stage to uppity hoppity us all over the place.

Melaye, that was not funny. In fact, it was despicable and utterly disrespectful.

Godwin Emefiele:  This Man Has Suffered.

Since this his policy of Naira redesign and restrictions came on stream with a January 30 deadline, the man has been on the firing line o. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that all of a sudden, the man is a terrorist even more deadly than Boko Haram, IPOB and the rest put together.

He suddenly became the most wanted terrorist in all of Africa and demands for his immediate arrest were being made everywhere. Everything has been thrown at him, including the kitchen sink. Emefiele is a rapist. Emefiele is a paedophile. Emefiele has a weak erection. Emefiele has been involved in all the train bombings since 1960. Emefiele has stolen all the stamp duties in Nigeria since 1960. In fact, it was because of him that Anthony Enahoro said we should achieve self-determination early because Emefiele was already working with Lord Lugard to steal all the taxes from palm oil. Emefiele owns all the banks in the country and it was Emefiele that made all the groundnut pyramids disappear because he bought it all.

My people, how the man dey concentrate sleep with his wife, na one miracle I for like to unravel.

Like I said, only a fool will not see the dotted lines between his travails and this policy and the elections and even if you are the most clueless person in the world, Emilokan just helped you…

“They can seize the fuel, they can change the money, I will still win this election…” So my bro Emefiele, you now know whose picture you will be taking to your Prophet – the Lion of Idumeje to help you castrate.

Nigeria na one big Nollywood movie I swear.

Bimbo Ashiru: A Premier Performance

When his appointment was made as the Chairman of the giant Odua Group, some of us had felt this was the right thing to do. Others had felt that he should have stayed in Ogun State and be wearing adire and carrying a broom and being Commissioner. But we felt that the Odua Group gig gave him a huge opportunity to play in the massive economic space that was the South-west of Nigeria and falling on his background as an erudite banker and economist, turning around the fortunes of the legendary conglomerate would not be too tough a task.

Today, the Group has announced the refurbishment of the iconic Premier Hotel. The huge Hotel that stands on a major Hill in Ibadan. The last time I stayed there some years ago, na me and rats dey do Town Hall meeting. The place had gone to the dogs due to the years of mismanagement.

The only thing I go to do in that area when I am in Ibadan, is to go and eat Eba and Ewedu at the famed Buka behind the sprawling Hotel. They call the place Cultural Centre. You should try it.

Now the Odua Investments have announced a joint venture with an International Hotel Management Group that should turn the place into a five-star destination. With the wonderful train service and the new improved Premier Hotel, Ibadan will now stand up to be counted as a perfect tourist destination for Amala Lovers.

The amala in Ibadan kai, can win election I swear. Well-done my egbon and congrats to the whole team. Let’s do this.