Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR
For Sanwo-Olu, Vivour, Doherty, Jandor, It’s Now in God’s Hands
Most Lagosians will agree that this particular campaign season was the toughest, most colourful and most hotly fought for since the enthronement of democracy in 1999.
The results of the presidential election which was held on t February 25, 2023, sent seismic shock waves through the bowels of the Lagos establishment. The governor was having his favourite breakfast of ogi and akara when the results started slipping in. Labour Party was taking some very strategic areas and Asiwaju was immediately on the phone. “Omoboy, what is going on?” Sanwo-Olu jumped up, threw the akara away and responded. ‘Daddy, I don’t know oooo.”
“Common call a town hall meeting,” he screamed over the phone. I don’t understand this Bulla Ballu you are trying to tell me, he screamed as he dropped the phone.
That result energised the Labour Party push. A campaign that up until that time was as lame as a drunken sailor’s you know what… immediately the results were finalised and Labour Party emerged, Sanwo-Olu jumped on the ice cream trail. He was everywhere o, he even came to Magodo. The campaign had moved from a lethargic place to an electrified pace. Thanks to ‘Chinedu’ of Labour Party, people started fearing o.
This boy wants to take Lagos ooo. This 40-year-old handsome boy wants to now kick Asiwaju and his band of merry men who have controlled Lagos for over 24 years into the lagoon. The same lagoon that the Oba wanted to throw his in-laws into. The same lagoon will now be the final resting place of a dwindling empire. Me, I kuku went to inspect the lagoon to see exactly where APC and their apparatchiks would be thrown into and decided the Ebute Metta end would have been the right place because of the amount of excrement that gets thrown in there. Kai!
But Sanwo-Olu was not going to go down so easily. He went on a rampage. Appeared in peoples’ bedrooms. Scattered lovemaking asking the couples to wait first let him explain why him and not that small boy who still has pimples should rule Lagos. Billboards, TV, radio, beer parlours, brothels. Sanwo-Olu was everywhere. LASTMA was asked to calm down, seized cars released free of charge and ice cream was bought for everybody in every mall in Lagos.
While this was going on, Gbadebo who by this time had been named Chinedu or shebi that is his real name, was not relaxing. He was screwing the APC, saying very powerful things that resonated with Lagosians who had by this time, did not want to hear Jaga… talkless of ban again. He will cancel Alpha Beta and move the money as soft loans to Lagosians. He will scatter the whole Alausa and hand over Lagos to Lagosians.
He was resonating with the youths and other such people who have been out in the cold. This was getting more interesting. He jumped on the market that was gutted by fire wearing white and moving with the people like the messiah.
PDP on their part was unravelling. The candidate seeing his campaign move away from a strong second to a distant third threw in a bomb with the hope that he would regain positioning. Na lie. His revelation that Chief Bode George wanted to impose this same Vivour on him as running mate, did not shake anything. Lagosians’ had moved on and were no longer really keen on his candidacy or the stories surrounding it. His running mate, the beautiful Nollywood screen siren, had already gone back to shooting movies. She was no longer interested in all of these abeg.
Then Mr. Doherty started making a strong showing. People started leaning towards him because of his depth and profiling. They saw a more complete candidate than the Labour Party one because of his experience, maturity and capacity.
Anyways, by the time you read this, Lagosians would have cast their votes and the rest will be in the hands of INEC and God.
My own is that whoever wins, there should be no violence. Anybody who feels very strongly that the usual, ‘Nigerian’ thing has happened to him, should follow due process instead of inciting violence. We are tired.
May the best man win. Thank you.
Atiku Abubakar was spot on
You know Wike pulled this one on himself. He was reported as saying that when he saw the footage of Mr. Atiku wearing black and marching in protest to the INEC head office, he called his friends and opened a 40-year bottle of Whiskey to drink and enjoy himself.
This statement is like dousing yourself with fuel and running through a burning market and of course he got what he wanted.
The Atiku team was lethal. They dropped bombs on him in a way that would make Russia very envious. They called him a drunk and didn’t even stop at that and went on to look at the time of the protest being around 11 am in the morning to now wonder why a sitting Governor would be drinking alcohol at that time of the morning.
They concluded that this must be why his voice is as coarse as a motor park tout and also averred that this must be why he used to dance all over the place in a drunken state.
Well, if you ask me, na Wike bring this one to himself. Na him expose himself and Atiku did not take prisoners in slamming him. True sha, if you really look at the thing, Wike’s voice really does sound like the 100-year old ‘agbero’ at Onipanu bus stop. Make I run oooo.
Umo Eno’s Let’s Be Happy
So, the PDP gubernatorial candidate in Akwa Ibom State has decided that his own arrowhead policy, if elected, would be to declare surplus as they say in strategic beer parlours all over the state.
He sat down there and, with a bold face, announced that he would be subsidising beer so that the people could relax and be happy.
While we remain confused at this policy thrust, we must not forget that the man has a background in that sector having run a motel in Eket.
Having seen the challenges in the sector, he can only be a good industry man by empowering the sector thru government intervention.
He concluded by looking at the impact of the policy on the many beer parlours that litter the state.
Me I am really not going to say anything on the matter because by the time you are reading this, the elections would have held and we would be awaiting INEC with bated prayers that those ones will not ask us to go to court instead of doing the right thing.
My prayer is very simple. Ohhh Lord of Udofia Akaniyene, and ikoa isong Akwa Ibom save us from this impending disaster.
The way you saved the children of Israel from the wickedness of Pharaoh kindly save us from the impending incompetence of this prophet of baal.
This whole thing has made Akwa Ibom people a general laughing stock since the policy was announced.
Oba Elegushi: A Beautiful Coincidence
My favourite traditional ruler in Lagos has just been making me laugh here. All of a sudden, the urgent need to celebrate the ‘Oro’ masquerade has become imperative and the dates for its celebrations have been such that they start from a few hours to the most important election in Africa to midnight just before election day.
The obvious implications of this, is not lost on anybody. This desperation and obvious intent to scare, muscle and intimidate voters especially in an area that has shown very strong resolve for change cannot go unnoticed.
The luck that Kabiyesi has is that his position is not up for election because by now, I think the revolution or is it movement they call it will have reached there.
The tepid explanation from the Palace trying to calm frayed nerves falls flat on the ground. The Oro must sha come out this week o, not any other week. It must sha be this week.
You see, I always have a problem with the timing of this Oro. That was how when I first met Erelu my late wife, Oro also came out. I had chased the woman for one year. Sold my okada to buy fish pepper soup for her. She loved it so much. I bought fish for over one year before the woman come agree for me o. To celebrate, I suggested we go somewhere. She recommended Whispering Palms in Badagry. I made my enquiries and my brother, a room costs N20,000 per day and my salary na N60,000 per month. I do salary advance and moved.
That was how we got to Badagry and they said, they are doing Oro. This same Oro oooo. Kai, my woman being a woman cannot see it. Me being a non-indigene, cannot see it. Kai, I look the beautiful woman, I look the money, I don borrow, I look the one year I chase am. I said to the taxi driver, make we risk am…….
Anyway, this Oro this week……. I keep quiet. Thank you.
Rufai Oseni, I Beg to Disagree
Extremely influential TV presenter and commentator, the great Rufai Oseni has missed it this time. Me I don’t agree o. I don’t know where he went to fish out treaty signed by the British showing ownership of Lagos.
According to him, the document signed between Oba Decomo and the British purportedly handed over Lagos to the British and as such according to him Lagos is owned by the British. This is really a town hall bula balu kind of talk. It is the kind of talk you will talk about after drinking Wike’s 40-year-old whiskey. It is bunkum and crap.
If he meant to help resolve the question – who is a Lagosian, a question that continues to beggar an answer, then it has fallen flat. This document is null and void. It is of no electoral value and does not in any way help our matter.
The British stole land and other resources we have been asking for reparations and in fact, they have only just started returning the artefacts they stole from Benin and now this very important journalist is now bandying a thieving document as evidence that Lagos belonged to the British.
How this will resolve the Igbo/Yoruba question is what I fail to see. My brother, please listen to me very well, Lagos belongs to people who came from Iragbiji. They went to school in Chicago and later settled in Bourdillon, Ikoyi. From there they now appointed vassals like the one in Isale Eko, Elegushi and Oniru to be helping him in collecting taxes and other such things.
Leave yeye document wey cockroach don chop and see the reality on the ground. Na modern slavery we dey now and you dey talk about ancient slavery. Bro smell the coffee.
It is Just What It is
I have been quite confusing on this campaign. First, they say as a columnist, I should not take sides or endorse any candidate. I no agree. I have freedom of choice and must be part of the political process. So, I will shout my position and go and eat my afang after to regain lost energy.
However, since the battle for Lagos commenced February 25th, I have taken a very round about position. Everybody knows where I stand with the President elect. Left to me, he should be in an old people’s home in Bahamas drinking tequila and mulling over his memoirs. But what can we do. Nigeria is a fairy tale.
So not a lot of people were surprised at my rabid support for Governor Sanwa-Olu, a man a lot of people see as his ‘boy’. Edgar how can you be abusing Tinubu and be supporting Sanwo-Olu. Is that even possible?, they will ask
My people, I craze like that o. Me, I stand for Sanwo-Olu o. For so many reasons that I cannot begin to talk about here and in that my position, I have written over 100,000 words in essays, Whatsapp chats and even organized debate where I pulled in 100 people to discuss the joys of a Sanwo-Olu second term.
I didn’t stop there o. I went on TVC and AIT-twice and LTV to shout my position. As I gained prominence, I was invited to a reelect Sanwo-Olu Whatsapp group. Almost everybody in the Lagos establishment from his biological relations thru top civil servants and major influential politicians’ where in the group.
They welcomed me with open hands and we started work. Sanwo-Olu must be reelected we will be shouting on the group. We strategised and even had a physical meeting where I shot a video telling the whole world how Sanwo-Olu moved me from a struggling actor to the biggest theatre producer ever since Herbert Ogunde married his 50th wife.
My people as I write, they have kicked me out of the group o. This na Thursday morning, a few days to the most important election in Lagos since 1960, they have kicked me out of the very strategic Whatsapp group.
Akwa Ibom people are laughing at me o. They are saying that instead of throwing more energies on Akan Udofia, my brother and candidate, I am meddling in ‘Akusa’ people problem. Good for you they echoed. Akusa by the way, is what we call Yoruba people in Ibibio language. You know how Yoruba people call us ‘ aje okuta ma mo mi’ that is how we too refer to them either as Akusa or atoro uduang ku ufok. Please don’t ask me the meaning o.
When I made my enquiries as to why I was kicked out, the general consensus was that, a midnight meeting was held where all attendees where naked with palm oil on their foreheads. At the meeting, my rabid dislike for the President elect was discussed extensively and as such especially now that President elect will soon be looking at forming cabinet, they cannot risk to be on the same what’s app group where this ‘omo yibo’ is abusing him up and down.
The decision was made with overwhelming majority with only one abstention- her data finish at the point of voting – that I should be kicked out of the group.
Me that I had joined the group with the hope that the only strategic position left for the Igbos in the administration- special adviser on drainages and gutters currently being held by ‘Igbo traitor’ as they call him, Joe Igbokwe, will be handed over to another ‘Igbo’ traitor, Joseph Edgar.
Well, what else can I say than to say what my former girlfriend at the University of Ibadan said, when I found one Yoruba boy’s tongue deep down her mouth and asked her why, she replied – it is what it is.
So, guys, it is what it is. I can never support the President-elect until the court speaks but will stand with Governor Sanwo-Olu for the simple reason that ‘it is what it is’. Thank you
Niyi Saliu as the Face of an Emerging Lagos
In working very closely with some elements on this re-elect Sanwo-Olu project, I have come to the realisation that there is a new crop of young, idealistic and visionary leaders just emerging within the system.
Hon. Niyi Saliu is one of them. A brilliant investment banker who went into politics and quickly emerged the Epe Local Government Chairman during the Ambode administration.
Reuniting with him on this project was a marvel. His diction and clarity were quite amazing. His grasp of the issues and his willingness to be robust and all-embracing in his outlook really pulled me to him.
With leaders like Niyi Saliu coming through, then all we need to do is to build a veritable bridge between those like him who have gone through the tutoring and practical experience of working and learning within the structure and those of his ilk out there in a bid to reinvent true and purposeful leadership. Well done sir.
