Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

Travails of Brother Tonye Cole

I thought it was fake news o. The report said that lawyers working for my brother, the great Tonye Cole who contested for the governorship position of Rivers State had been arrested. The report went ahead to state that not only were the lawyers arrested, their briefs and all documents they were putting in order to make a court appearance were also seized.

My people at the Guinness book of electoral infamy have confirmed that this one sits at the very top with the Kogi one where big ditches were dug around a whole local government so that INEC officials and materials will not reach voters. This one, if you ask me, na senior brother to that one, where lawyers doing their constitutional work were arrested and deprived of the tools of their profession.

Mbok, this one weak me o. I immediately put in a call to Tonye. He was in good spirits. I had heard he was at the police station and had vowed not to leave until the lawyers and their documents were released.

“Bro, are you still there? Is madam with you? Abeg no carry that your fine mummy go that kind place ooo.

He laughed and assured me that he was having his own Nelson Mandela moment.

“Edgar, I no dey comot here until dem release my people.”

I said, “Well done bro, you are taking this stand for democracy, siddon there, no comot o. In fact, add hunger strike make dem know say you mean business.”

He now asked the question that made me begin to doubt Pastor Tonye’s seriousness as a politician.

“Duke you no go come join me?”

Me? My brother, my activism na digital one o. I no dey come that kind place o, with that Governor wey carry head like watermelon? I should come, so that one person drunk from a 40-year whiskey will come and slap me and give me erectile dysfunction.  I told Pastor Tonye, pointedly, that if he asked the question again, I would drop the phone. Wetin concern me with River’s people? If they can be watching this kind of tyranny and do nothing about it, why would I now carry my big head and leave all the afang in Shomolu and go and siddon with my brother inside the police station, come carry scabies? Abeg, my brother, we will continue to support you from afar. Don’t worry, it will be ok.

I would like to state two observations from this matter. You see this our brother Tonye, na real aje butter, Ikoyi brought up and a man wey never really see suffer for him life. So when the TV reporter interviewed him, he said, “see, see, they threw a stone at me….” He now turned around and started stripping his big Rivers State traditional outfit to show us where the stone hit, and when he opened it na one small scratch dey there. You know the kind of scratch you get when you have taken your woman to the top of the mountain in the other room and she has long nails, she will now leave you with that mark as a sign of ‘well-done’. Na that kind sign Brother Tonye showed the whole world as evidence of mob brutality. Abeg, I could not laugh. When people were getting their heads chopped off and rushing into hospitals with their intestines in boxes having been chopped off by thugs, bro dey show us scratch for TV.

The second thing was the clip of traditionalists, complete with the high priests in those red costumes we see in Nollywood films in front of the INEC office all in a bid to scare Tonye away from the place. I begin to wonder, if your candidate emerged with over 300,000 votes and my dear brother came out with only about 90,000 votes, why all this energy to prevent him from seeking a validation of the polls? Na wa.

Khalifa Mohammad Sanusi II – New Kid on the Block?

No wonder. I had tried to reach him the other day as I am organising a unique Masterclass for only CEOs and I want legendary CEOs to come and speak to attendees. So, I sent a message and His Highness who is one of the most brilliant and astute Nigerians of modern times responded: “Duke, I do not think I will be available for this session.”

 I responded “Ok, Your Highness, no problem, your loss because I was going to give you Afang from a new source.” Your loss, wetin concern me.

Then I started hearing rumours everywhere o. They say that ‘their’ President-elect is considering bringing him back to the CBN. Kai, the prospect of that just makes me salivate. This would be a massive move. One that could easily sort out the credibility problem their President-elect seems to be facing.

Khalifa Sanusi’s tenure at the CBN saw a lot of stability in forex markets, robust and all-encompassing monetary policies and a consistency that allowed for effective planning and engagement by economic players which in itself positively affected capacity utilisation, productivity and the like.

Well, all I can do at this moment is to keep my fingers crossed.

Fola Adeola, Even You Too?

Yes o, it is looking like it is the same story for Mr. Adeola. The rumour mill is very very strong regarding his possible involvement in this new government. So, when their President-elect was saying that he was looking at a government of national competence, this is what he meant.

You know one of the very strong points of Mr. Tinubu that even his strongest critics like Falz, the Bahd Guy cannot deny, is his ability to attract talent, engage them and empower them to perform. Even Falz will agree with the calibre of people that have run Lagos after receiving the Asiwaju nudge. Oya come and compare them with the things we are seeing in places like Kogi and Cross River. Make I just keep quiet.

So, tapping Fola if this is true, will be a major coup because at that point some of us will start looking at the possibility of an economic renaissance and then we will now start singing another redemption song.

Fola is an enigmatic and extremely brilliant man. A man imbued with very strong integrity which comes with the clarity of a man of purpose. Last I saw him was at Chief Emeka Anyaoku’s 90th and my big egbon ‘Shex’ took me to him and said, “Fola, this is Duke, brand Ambassador of Afang and he will like a word or two with you…”

If these things come to reality and Mr. Tinubu is able to build this kind of team, then some of us may have to work with the Sudanese Government to offer Mr. Obi a corridor of pleasure, make he go rest small. Hmmm.

Saint Obi, The Absalom in Him

What most of you do not know is that I used to be a Sunday School teacher in church. My dear old dad realising that I loved talking and loved an audience and to fight my restless spirit which didn’t allow me to attend church, made me the Sunday school teacher to tie me down.

Well, that was where I heard for the first time about Absalom. Absalom was supposed to be the son of a king – abeg na long time ago, so I cannot remember the name of the king o. You know how our Christian brothers can be, so I will not guess. Let’s just leave it at ‘a king’.

So everyday, Absalom will now go and stand by the city gate and be greeting people and saying, “ohhh my father is not this nice, kiss my hand and I will give you water to drink.”

Na wetin Obi dey do be that. All this ‘absalomic’ move cannot work again. Election is over. So, if motor jam person, Obi will appear with camera men to greet them. Woman no get seat for plane, Obi offer him seat and threaten to stand till plane land, so that if he fall and break neck they will say it is APC.

All this working around like Angel Gabriel but this time in black, greeting people, hugging people and kissing them complete with camera men in toe will not help at election tribunal o.

Bro, abeg focus and let’s see road. Thank you.

Chief Obasanjo’s Letter of Rescue

The Chief Letter Writer of the Federation has jumped into this matter. Last week, I wrote about the very sad and utterly heart-rending story of the Ekweremadus. Faced with the prospect of losing their daughter due to the kidney issue, they did what every parent would do— attempt to save her life and in the process, are facing a lengthy jail time.

This is a tragic story of Shakespearean proportions. All sides have my pity – the Ekeweremadus, their daughter, the boy whose kidney was to be used and all.

You see, the reason why I will never japa or stay in these countries for more than two weeks at any time is that they ‘no dey hear begging’. You see, call us anything, we have human empathy. Those ones are very wicked souls and they will be shouting due process and all that.

If this is Nigeria, shebi all of us for don wear black go beg the judge. We would have begged and cried everywhere till resolution will come. But those yeye people no dey hear beg o. Their own na rule of law. Who do you want to start begging? Queen don die.

You see, if you enter trouble in Nigeria, you are very sure that if you beg very well, you just might be set free even without bribe. The other day, police catch me in Oshodi. As he spoke, I could guess from his accent that he was an Ishan man and since I have an Ishan wife, I relaxed. He shake o, do the usual police gra gra: “Oga, we have to go to the station.”

I just call am in-law, the transformation was instant.

“How I be your in-law,” he asked.

“I marry your side,” I replied. “My wife na Ishan. She come from Auchi. In fact, na Fugar I go pay him dowry.

The policeman shouted “Kai.”

He called his oga, ‘Na my in-law ooo. Na my in-law I catch.” He started hugging me. To further mess him up, I called the said wife, the beautiful Sara who gave birth to my daughter Annette who is half Ishan, half igbo and half Ibibio- you see why the agbero for Lagos dey confuse when they want to flog Igbo people.

He screamed on the phone. They spoke their language and he started thanking God that I had mentioned o, “that is how I for lock up my in-law- see him papa house, see my papa house for Fugar,” he screamed. Kai.

So now, where Oyibo man papa house dey? Where Ekweremadu papa house? E tough o.

Even though I see this Obasanjo’s letter as  playing to a very not interested gallery, because I do not see the system changing their mind because of a two-page letter from a former general, everything we have should be thrown at this matter. It is very sad and pitiable; I really think that the government should lend its weight and plead for clemency. And while doing that, show the British government its strong resolve to reform the health sector so that this would never happen again.

Me sef, I follow beg o. You can put me on the visa ban list in exchange. Thanks.

MC Oluomo and the Igwe: A Tale of a Prince and Orphan

One shouted in a live clip that went viral hours to the controversial elections in Lagos: “Iya Chukwudi, if you are not voting for us, stay at home ooo.”

The threat was apparent and real and judging from antecedents, the inferred threat or otherwise could not be taken lightly. Well election day came and we all saw what was unleashed.

The other shouted, “Ohh, if they don’t stop looting and killing my people, I will call in …. (I don’t want to ever mention that name) . Enough is enough o.”

Our dear police who keep insisting that they are our friends now came out and said, one was a joke and the other was treason. The one that was treason has been arrested and as at the time of writing, I am not sure if they have not shaved his pubic hair and put small fires to prepare his balls for ‘ngwongwo.’

The other one is still out there getting ready for a possible ministerial appointment or at the least, ambassadorial appointment to any country of his choice.

Now when the outcry became too loud, our police who are our friends now asked us to bring out any evidence against the prince since the force nationwide didn’t have data to see his own clip.

My people, Datti talk say make dem no swear in anybody under these conditions and they say na treason. If I talk now and dem label me treason who will shout for me. My mama don die, so I go keep quiet but let me ask you the readers: who is the Prince and who is the orphan because even me, I confuse. Na wa. Banana republic of Asiwaju.

Orji Kalu, Kindly Accept My Condolences

My dear Senator, I have received the news of the passing of your very beautiful wife with pain. A very deep pain coming from the fact that I share the same experience with you. Nothing prepares anyone for the loss of a dear partner. Someone you have laughed with, fought with, had kids with, shared your plans, cried with, eaten with and done all sorts with.

It is the deepest pain ever, especially when the love remains very very deep as obviously as this. Please, my brother, remain strong for your family and all those who deeply care for her. You are the ground zero of this and the rest of us will be looking towards you to find strength as we meander through this deep maze of pain. Ndo, my brother. Ndo.

Obi of Onitsha: Let’s Break Kola at the Muson

One of my most favourite traditional rulers, the very enigmatic and highly respected Obi of Onitsha, Igwe Nnaemeka Achebe, will be at the Muson Centre this Easter Monday to break kola with me. This Monday, I will be putting on a show, the command performance of my new play ‘Zik.’ ‘Zik’ depicts the life and times of Dr. Nnamdi Azikiwe, our first ever president. He was one of the most enigmatic and colourful politicians and the Obi of Onitsha, his traditional ruler, has graciously accepted to be our special guest of honour.

This is mad and I want to thank my brothers, Emeka Maduegbuna and Olisa Adibua for making this very possible.

Ibom Air, It’s a Brilliant One

The poster was beautiful. It showed a well-made bowl of afang, looking very green with super well-nourished goat meat lacing it. It came in a brilliant proposition- Ibom Air now serves afang in the air.

Except you have been living in a hole that you will not know that I am the Brand Ambassador of Afang. I have eaten afang from N500 through to N16,000 a plate – that one na Senator Ita Giwa dey sell that one. Even Just Afang has called me in to come and taste their afang.

So, it was not surprising that people clogged my phone and timeline with the poster with one person saying – Edgar, Ibom Air have listened to you.

I however suspected foul play. Ibom Air serving Afang on board? Will they be pounding the thing as the plane is taking off, and will they be grinding the crayfish as it is going through turbulence and if we are going to Benin that is about 15 minutes, will we be eating the afang as we are waiting for luggage?

Hmm… something was wrong; I could smell something fishy. So I reached out to the very beautiful Annie Essienette, the very effective image maker of Ibom Air and said, “Adiagha, is it true that you people will be serving afang on Board? She laughed and screamed – “April fool.”

OMG!!!

They got us. That was a brilliant move. It gave the airline top of mind for that day, away from the goon who chose their plane to shout Obi. Well-done Annie and the team. Well-done.