Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

Mustafa Chike-Obi: A White Knight Gallops to the Rescue

I was just thinking the other day. Their President-elect has a herculean task of getting popular support with the way the election was conducted. His men, Alake and Onanuga are making it worse by the day, with their approach to various issues surrounding their principal and with so many court cases accusing him of so many things, including ‘lack of sleep’, the prospect of having a very rapturous and generally accepted inauguration seems a very dim prospect.

But as I thought deeply, especially with the rumours that this ‘baba’ is really taking this his pronouncement of government of national competence very seriously,  Mr. Chike-Obi came to mind.

For me, Baba can puncture very seriously the walls of Jericho surrounding his election with the kinds of people he pulls into his government. I have been hearing some very credible names and highlighted two last week.

Mustafa Chike-Obi is a very credible and brilliant Nigerian whose appointment would go a long way to soothe nerves and show the seriousness required by the administration to tackle the malaise that has beset our economy, especially the lack of confidence in our economic management by strategic international bodies and governments.

The economy has gone beyond ‘being on its knees’, it is virtually dead. We would need well respected individuals, with impeccable ethics,  sharp intellect, and crucially, access to influential networks and a positive reputation. Mr. Obi appears to possess the requisite credentials, with his background as a former colleague of the British Prime Minister at Goldman Sachs and another prominent institution, in addition to his international renown and ability to promote diversity. His involvement would not only enhance public approval of the administration but also immediately open doors to the crucial corridors of global financial power.

But what do I know? They will say, this one don collect money, see the rubbish e dey talk. Wetin concern me, my own na to talk my own waka. I don talk wetin my mind dey think and the energy expended don make hungry . Guess what I am going to eat now.

Prof Anya O. Anya, God Bless You Sir

Last Sunday, as the highly celebrated stage play, ‘Zik’, was coming to an end, one gentleman in white jacket jumped and walked towards me. As I saw him coming, I ran. He had earlier at the beginning of the show gone to sit beside the great Obi of Onitsha and I moved him. I didn’t like his white jacket because it looked like those things waiter dey wear inside Federal Palace Hotel Casino. I didn’t want the jacket to spoil the pictures wey pressmen go take.

So, seeing him walking towards me, with that Igbo ‘nzogbu nzogbu, enyiba enyi’ stance, I just ran. But the gentleman was really determined. He finally got me as I was greeting Prof. Uche Azikiwe. There was no escape as he held my arms and said, “Duke.”

I gave him my Shomolu look and sized him up. He looked like he was in his 70s and his grip was not really firm, so I relaxed because if it came to fight, one head butt and the man would be on his way to St. Nicholas Hospital for a head transplant.

Anyways, I should not have bothered. “Duke, I read you regularl,” he started.

“I like the way you use humour to tell the stories without losing the kernel of your message.”

I relaxed more — who no like massaging compliments. I said “Thank you so, so much sir.”

But who are you o Mr. White jacket man, and he said, “My name is Professor Anya.”

OMG!!! The world-renowned biologist and former GMD of Diamond Bank, I fell on my knees and started genuflecting.

Lord, how have you been? Have you eaten? Hope the bouncers didn’t disturb you because of this your white jacket, did you enjoy the play, please do I send one of the female ushers to escort you to your car.

He smiled and continued: “This was a marvellous play, well-done Duke, you are doing well.”

I stood up and said, “can I hug you sir and thank you so much for coming without paying gate fee, it’s ok cos if you had paid, I would have refunded it to you.”

Thanks so much for the compliments, I really do appreciate it. Those are the things that keep me going as creditors chase me. The compliments from some of the most credible Nigerians and they don’t come any ‘credibler’ than from distinguished individuals like Prof. Anya. Kai.

Nonny Ugbomah: Not a Cerebral Birthday

My brother Osa used to vex anytime I call someone cerebral. He will just be ranting all over the Duke Summit, distracting conversations – “anybody that gives Edgar afang or buys a ticket to watch his play, he will call cerebral,” he would say. Why the thing dey pain Osa is what I don’t know o. I will rather call Tinubu cerebral with all his gaffes than call Osa cerebral o. Come and beat me o. You no cerebral anything.

That was how I hailed the cerebral Nonny Ugbomah on her birthday and Osa die. “Wetin make Nonny cerebral?” he railed. My brother, Nonny is currently finishing off her doctoral at the University College London after a meritorious time at the MTN Foundation where as Executive Secretary she crafted their Arts and Culture policy which saw the foundation breathing life into every facet of Nigeria’s cultural milieu.

Nonny has presented so many seminal papers globally on development issues and is known globally as an expert in the field. She has commented and contributed to developmental issues in a rabid fashion that you can almost feel her pain when she talks about the continued debilitating effect of our non-starting in these areas and its concomitant results in our developmental indices.

These and many more are why I have awarded her with the title, the cerebral Nonny Ugboma which is making Osa not bath. This my title is my own Nobel Prize as I only have awarded it to very distinguished members of the Duke Summit. People like Ken, Diran Olojo, Usman Imanah and Sam Aiboni. Sam is not too cerebral, but na humanitarian criteria I use give am because of the way he cried when Banky W, ‘a common musician’ defeated him in the polls. So, I pity am give am the award.  Osa is vexed that since he came into the group before all these people, I should award him and I said, “My brother, if you are not happy, go to court.” Na INEC Chairman teach me that one.

Wole Soyinka vs Chimamanda: A Sweet War of Words

You notice dem Keyamo, Dino, Alake, Wike and Onanuga cannot enter this one. The people who really own the English language are fighting and the weapon of choice is pure unadulterated English. Distilled and well served with well horned diction and deliberate delivery.

Soyinka called Datti fascist and used so many very colourful language in describing that one and ended up challenging him to a debate. That one panicked and rightly so. Who will come and stand in front of a Nobel Laureate to debate in English when the person is not drunk? A man who writes in a language that even confuses the Queen of England when she was alive. They say when she wants to read Soyinka, she used  to call am interpreter. Na that one Datti will now be debating with. When it is not to be shouting – obedient and we no go gree.

On the other side, Chimamanda is simpler in her usage of the language but even more lethal. You know if you add woman rudeness to her delivery, you will really not want to be at the receiving end of her volley.

Kai, you see when she said that she enjoyed seeing ‘non juveniles, play and talk like juveniles’ or something like that. I jumped from the toilet where I was purging after eating Yoruba stew at Obalende. Kai, this ‘girl’ don finish them Keyamo oooo. She just picture am dey play for sand like nursery school pikin wey dey purge.

The ‘Obidients’ think Soyinka is OBJ that they will be using twitter to abuse after each letter. Prof is a real prof o. Not all that Prof from private university wey full Benin-Ore Expressway. Prof is a god and once he drops bomb, he has dropped o. Everybody will scamper and look for a dictionary o. His own bomb is not like that Bini man, I don forget him name that will be dropping bombastic meaningless English with a big mouth. No wonder he lost the election.

That was how one ‘mumu’ professor in Canada come join the matter. Write over 1,000 words to the Canadian Prime Minister abusing Chimamanda. When I read the letter, all the typos and ‘oriki’ he added to the letter just made the Canadian Prime Minister’s secretary just use the letter pack the ‘guguru’ she was eating at the time.

If I were Asiwaju and they confirmed his May 29th date, I will invite Chimamanda to come and read the letter at my inauguration. That letter was a breeze, eloquently written with deliberate and intemperate musings. A powerful flow of prose with beautifully couched sting bombs designed to blow the ‘bula balu’ out of our consciousness. Kai. I just love this woman. Is she married?

Dino Palaver vs Wicked Wike – Battle of the Bottle

Shebi I just finished writing about Soyinka and Chimamanda, now I have entered Dino and Wike. Now we are in roforofo zone. These ones don’t have time for English. Their own is very simple and straightforward. Their language is as crass and ugly as the speakers. Brutish and drink-fuelled. Real ‘bolekaja’ language tinged with the ‘crassness’ only the semi-illiterate can muster.

“Dino dey craze. His mama is a drunk, God will punish him. Idiot and a very foolish man.” Those are the kinds of words you will expect from the creeks of Port Harcourt. While from the plains of Kogi West you will hear things like, “na this my god go forever punish Wike for that rubbish he is saying about me. Wike, that was begging for VP. He called me over 19 times in two minutes, almost scatter my phone.”

You see what I am talking about. Can you compare these ones with Soyinka and Chimamanda and you will be asking why I love this country so much. The colours, the versatility you will never get anywhere else in the world.

Those ones are fighting with pristine English and at the same time, these ones are throwing jungle barbs and you say, this is not the best time to be a Nigerian.

Mbok, let’s continue. Wike would say, “are we joking? Dino Governor? And you think I will support? The man has craw craw in his yansh and his bald head is as a result of his mother pouring hot oil on him when he went to steal akara.”

Dino would reply, “useless drunk fool. A man who will be drinking ‘otapiapia’ early in the morning for VP? God forbid.”

Then, Dino would jump up and go into song and pull his eyes down and bring out his tongue as he is yabbing Wike, and then Wike will reply with his ever-present orchestra – “as he dey pain am he dey sweet me ooooo,” complete with his cockroach dance step. I just love this country. I love Nigeria. Kai.

Sinatu Ojikutu: Fear Not the Republic of Bula Balu

This former Deputy Governor of Lagos, called a press conference to state her fear once their President-elect is inaugurated. She was reported to have expressed real fear for her life with the emergence of Bola Tinubu as confirmed President of Nigeria.

Well, if you ask me, I don’t think she has anything to worry about. Abi, will the man leave trillions in debt, 20% unemployment, the huge decision to remove petrol subsidy, the insecurity in Benue and other parts and the court cases that will follow him both locally and internationally to be pursuing an old woman that has not made love for 70 years.

I don’t think he will be that petty. So, mummy please concentrate in your grandmotherly duties and do not attempt to distract us for this real fight abi haven’t you heard that Obi was stripped and searched at Heathrow with one yeye British immigration man, putting his hands up the ass of our leader looking for drugs because there are now two Peter Obi in the world.

Mummy, if you still dey fear after reading this my article, come let me take you to Oworonshoki to get disappearing juju. Na me give Bode George. When Tinubu people are coming, you just swallow the thing, you will disappear and appear in Uyo, simple.

The only problem is that if na Remi dem send, the juju cannot work o. That one you are on your own. But after all these years looking for trouble, you should also have your own personal juju or can someone be looking for this kind trouble without having your own personal ‘ajesara’. Abeg leave me o, I never pay school fees. Fear ko.

Shehu Sanni, You are Very Apt

You know this man, the last time he came to see my play ‘Sardauna’, he did not pay gate fee and he did not greet me on top. I just look am and pity am, because he just lost the election and did not want to add to him problem.

But this his statement that, if we remove the noise of the ‘obidients’ on social media, we would be left with the incoming tyranny really captured our situation in this country right now.

Kai, the ‘obidients’ on twitter are mad o. They can finish someone o. I pity Prof Wole Soyinka ooo. They have finished the man. Come and see yabis, even posters of baba begging for bags of rice. Me, I am wondering why the Pyrates confraternity cannot enter the matter. The yabis of their Capone is just too much. They have dragged daddy all over the mud o.

On the other side, the fear of tyranny is real. The ‘attack’ on LP head office, the travails of Obi, the call for the arrest of Obi and Datti and all the headless machinations including the vituperations of Citizen Onanuga is beginning to show that we may be in for a rough ride. Shebi MC Oluomo has shouted since, ‘if you don’t vote for us, stay in your house ooo!!! Anybody that has sense should take that MC Oluomo cry very seriously ooooo. It’s the dawn of turbulence.

My Senator, thanks so much for this. God bless you.

Mr. Babajide Sanwo-Olu: Another Collapse?

The Lagos State officials who approved that press release on the collapsed seven-storey building in Banana Island should not only be sacked but flogged on his bare buttocks. How can you start a release like that with the word ‘unapproved’, is that not indicting?

An unapproved project in Banana Island staring at all of you in the face and you allowed it? Only for it to collapse and you now came out to say unapproved? In Lagos where if you dig a gutter an inch more than approved, you will get the gutter sealed and a whole seven-storey building in Banana Island where you all live is standing there till the thing decided to collapse on its own?

Mr. Governor, please do not go there as is usual of you to go and help carry out dead bodies without first sacking your whole ministry or those in charge of regulations. It is just crazy. Crazy Government, crazy builders and crazy citizens for accepting this.

Another set of hapless and poor labourers have just lost their lives to the corruption that is part of our national ethos. Sad.