Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

Afe Babalola: I am Not a Fool

Shebi I went to look for trouble and tore into the immortal Chief Afe Babalola on the back of his recent donations to a UK University. Daddy did not take it kindly and showed it very powerfully. I had to go and beg o. So I carried my big head and went to Ekiti with my brother Niran Olatana, the Executive Chairman of the Ekiti State Internal Revenue Service.

As I walked in, I went straight on the floor, in complete reverence to a man that has been everything to Nigerian education and more. Chief Babalola is a god and I for one should know that. My apology is stemming from my use of language and not really on the position that I took on the matter. Notwithstanding, I had to show complete obeisance to a great Nigerian.

“I am not a fool”, he kept saying. “I know why I did what I did, the school that made me what I am; education made me who I am; I only went to primary school; the rest was through correspondence and you say, I am a fool for supporting the same process that made me? I am not a fool o. I am not a fool o.”

By this time, I was still on the floor, my belly rubbing the beautiful marble floor of his expansive office. “Daddy, I am sorry o, it was the devil, daddy please I am your great grandson o, don’t curse me o.” Kai!

He now looked across the table and said in a non-threatening way, “why are you wearing earrings to my office and what kind of hair is this? Common go and check into my Guest House, relax, eat and drink anything you want and come back by 9pm. without the earring and with your ‘dada’ cut and then we can talk seriously”, he added, as I scurried away. “Take a tour of the school, go to the Industrial Park and see that we have built the best school in the country.”

It’s true o, my people. That Afe Babalola University is something else, from the facility, the huge campus, the well-situated students with their beautiful uniforms – yes uniforms in university. The medical students with their red and black uniforms really caught my attention and boy, the girls in that school are beautiful o. I said to Niran, please let me chase one and Niran, a pastor, screamed, “Baba has not forgiven you and you want to enter another one, count me out o.”

By 9 p.m., Baba was waiting for us. I had removed the earrings but no time to cut the hair, so I borrowed Niran’s driver’s cap and we entered.

Immediately we were ushered in, I took my position on the floor – tummy flat on the floor, chin brushing the ground and hands stretched in front of me- and baba started talking.

“The Nigerian Constitution is defective, even Angel Gabriel will fail with that constitution… Obasanjo is my friend and I have known him since the Shagari era when I subpoenaed him to testify during the probe of the missing oil money… Obasanjo is a great Nigerian, education is very key to our national development and that is why I have put so much into it…”

Finally, he said the words I wanted to hear, “Mr. Duke, I have forgiven you, you are my son….”  And I stood up from the floor and said to the greatest educational icon of our time – “Daddy thank you so much for forgiving me, I really remain humbled at your kind reception and I promise that I will never yab you again, it was the devil and I was hungry…”

As we took our exit, I sighted a small plane on the left-hand corner of his huge office complex and wondered how at 93 years of age, Baba still carried the glow of an enduring vision, building and maintaining an enterprise that was self-sufficient, impactful and institutionalised all in a lifetime.

As I walked towards the Presidential Suite Baba had given me, I saw the most beautiful medical student in the land, I looked at Niran and… Kai!

Prostate Cancer: Fear Don Finish Me

They won’t let you hear word. Everywhere you turn you hear, “go for prostate screening. Every man above 40 should screen. Catch it early.” All sorts of talk.

My people, fear don kill me for where I dey o. I have not gone for the screening. The mere thought of it drives me into a state of inertia.

I will be fearing, and my hands will be shaking, and I will be sweating.

I spoke to my doctor this morning. I remember one time my BP was flaring, and he was insistent that I come for the drugs and did a full test.

I refused o. He dragged me into his office and put me under one machine.  I cried o. The result came out perfect, but he still put me on the BP drugs.

When I woke up one morning and didn’t feel my ‘thing,’ I screamed. I went to a porn site, to jump start the thing but nothing, I screamed more o. I now resorted to all my usual tricks, perfected over a 20-year career in self pleasure and indulgence, still nothing. Reached out to my favourites – Nyaomi Banxx, NollyPorn, nothing.

I called the doctor and said: “What kind of life will I be living with no erection? Mbok, I’m not taking the pills again o.

I started the exercise regimen and started eating watermelon and drank friska tea and all that and now I have conquered that one. My BP is like that of Buhari after May 29.

This prostate one don enter my head. Each time I am pissing, I will be looking at the thing. Is it gushing? Is it trickling? Is it dribbling?

Ohhh, my God. It’s just a two-minute test o. The last time I did anything near that test was like eight years ago when one beautiful doctor who, just as I was about to take her to heaven  said: “Let me do a prostate scan on you as you hit me.”

She put her hand inside my bum. I didn’t like the feeling. I felt violated and told her to stop. But she continued and later said I was ok. Now I don’t know if that result can withstand the rigours of a scientific test.

I know it’s a stupid fear. I know I have to brave it and do it because prevention is better than cure, but the deep hole of a hypochondriac fear is too tedious to climb out.

They say we should ejaculate at least 21 times a month to prevent it. I am doing much more and as such I should be ok abi?  Kai. Fear is killing me o.

Ike Nwachukwu: An Officer and a Real Gentleman

They don’t come this fine. Fine in every sense of the word o; physical, in comportment and outlook. The other day, me and my sister, Ore Sofekun, found ourselves in front of the well-respected General. He was in the middle of writing his memoirs which I must say looked very plentiful. I said, “Lord, this book is big o,” and he laughed and said, “I have been in service since the civil war so there is a lot to be said.”

General Nwachukwu is a Real Nigerian – his mother was Hausa/Fulani, his father Igbo and his wife Yoruba. Born and bred in Lagos and grew up in the Yaba area, he fought on the side of Nigeria during the Biafra war because, “I believe that the place of the Igbo man is firmly in Nigeria.”

As he spoke, his enduring good looks captured me. How can a man at 83 fine pass me, I mused. His tall gait, silver grey hair, mannerisms and most importantly diction almost killed me there. This was a fine specimen, this is what a Nigerian should look like, this is what a leader is.

“The military I served was driven by merit,” he told us. “It is a great disservice to me to say that I succeeded because of my maternal heritage… I passed all the courses, was diligent and disciplined and this was what stood me out in my career,’ he enthused.

He was a military governor in Imo state during Buhari’s first misadventure and from there parlayed an enviable career that saw him being our Minister of Foreign Affairs. His policy of economic diplomacy went a long way in situating the need for us to push the economy in our relations with foreign powers instead of the ego driven oil diplomacy which saw us burning our fingers because we wanted to be seen as the giant of Africa.

He later went into politics and became a senator, I think. Today, as he sits in well-deserved retirement, rehashing his life, a life well lived, it is no wonder that over 50 CEOs have chosen him to be the guest speaker at their upcoming session.

For me, Gen. Nwachukwu is everything I believe a true Nigerian leader should be. We sef try in this country, producing people like him. I sincerely hope that you would allow me to review your book when it comes out sir

Ademola Adeleke: No Shame in the Dance

Immediately after the Supreme Court declared him the substantive winner of the Osun State election that made him governor, His Excellency went straight on TV to declare that now people will be taking him seriously. He opined that because of his love for dancing, he was not  given the exact type of respect he should be having. That dancing was his hobby and the fact that he jumps up and shakes his big tummy at the slightest opportunity does not mean that he doesn’t know what he is doing.

Egbon, me I have never doubted your ability in any way, despite your ‘shakabula’ dancing skills. I have always seen you as a happy-go-lucky man, who would dance away his sorrows. For me, this was and remains inspirational. Even when you lost the elections, that didn’t stop you from dancing, you danced your way back to victory. Then the enemies tried at the lower courts and you still danced your way to victory.

There is nothing like happiness. Even in the midst of the deepest darkness, dancing will lift your spirits and give you a platform to rise above and regain lost grounds.

Your Excellency, please do not apologise for being who you are. God gave you the dance skills and the tenacity to push and be very successful. You do not owe anyone an apology for that. You remain an inspiration to me and millions as we watch you dance your way to greatness.

The only problem I have is that when you are in the spirit, and you twirl, don’t hold your belle, ignore it, move your head to the left and slide to the right and end the move with the split. Just jump in the sky, open your legs and land with the legs spread apart. Small advice, make sure you wear boxers just in case the pants tear so we don’t see gubernatorial something. Kai!

Muhammadu Buhari: Thanks But No Thanks

Please, did I just see a report that says that our ‘almost gone’ President is seeking the senate’s approval to borrow another $800 million that according to him will serve as palliative for Nigerians as we move to remove the fuel subsidy? He said the money will be sent to the National Social Safety something so that those ones will now come and be disbursing N5,000 to 10 million homes for only six months.

The fact that our total borrowings from the World Bank has crossed the $14 billion mark is not deterring him from seeking this latest one which in my head is totally unnecessary.

You say you want to remove the subsidy – which I totally support, and projections show that this might jack up the price of fuel by almost 500% in the short term and it is N5,000 per month for six months that will act as support for that?

This na why at times, we will be looking at this democracy thing with one eye abi how do you explain soldier, farmer and herder on this mantle? Some of these positions just beggar belief. You leave gaping loopholes where monies are being stolen, you leave more sustainable areas of serious revenue generation and you always sha go the shortcut: borrow. It is no wonder them put you for ‘regular’ seat during coronation. Abi where will they put ‘borrow borrow’ president.

For me, the problem na this World Bank people sef. It’s looking like they know something we don’t know, otherwise, why would you still be lending to Nigeria. Nigeria that has not paid back any loan since Obasanjo? Nigeria that is riddled with profligacy, lack of transparency and wastage and yet each time we come, you quickly lend to us?

E be like it’s juju. Whoever did that juju should please come and give me o, let me take it to Harry Ebohon. I have been owing him money for years now and na that kind juju I need to get the Bini man give me debt holiday and borrow me more. Na wa.

Peter Obi: Well Done on Soyinka

Let me say a massive well done to my presidential candidate. I didn’t vote for you o. But for his recent peace moves, I doff my hat. Prof Wole Soyinka is another god. This Baba suffered for the cause of the Igbo in this country and went to jail for it. This Baba has been our conscience, fighting successful military regimes even at the risk of his own life.

We all remember when he went with Chinua Achebe and other such prominent writers to beg IBB for Vatsa only for those ones to kill Vatsa before Baba even reached the tollgate.

It is that same Baba that these ‘ObIdients’ or whatever they call themselves were rubbishing and abusing all over social media because of a position that he took. The position was even in their favour as an elder will not always talk with all of his mouth open, but did the young and very naïve people who cluster Peter Obi’s Federal Republic of social media understand that?

Of course, not. They went into a frenzied attack of an icon, leaving no stone upturned in their pursuit of the venerable Nobel Laureate. I reminded some of them that while their fathers were in the bush running from the onslaught of war, Soyinka was there trying to bring peace and they turned at me and were abusing me. Me I gave them back o, as they abused my father, I abused their father too. Me, I am not an elder statesman o, me sef na agbero, let’s go there.

But Mr. Obi has done noble. He has gone on a peace mission, offering apologies and admonishing his people not to be abusing venerable Nigerians like Pastor Adeboye.

This is why Peter Obi is who or what he is in today’s Nigeria. With these kinds of moves, he will continue to remain the single most relevant Nigerian today. Except there is no tomorrow and except I was not born by a woman that justice will not prevail in this Obi’s case. God is on the throne.

Funsho Doherty: A Brilliant Turn

Please, if you went to evening school, do not even bother to read Mr. Doherty’s letter to the Lagos State government office on public and private something. The brother took the partnership between Oando and Lagos State government on the electronic bus matter to the cleaners.

You see why I didn’t support this bobo during elections. I believed more in him than that other one who had nothing but place of birth and mother of birth to sell.

You see the governorship of Lagos is very critical for the economic survival of the country and it is not something that someone will come and be governor and his mother will be directing affairs or someone like Doherty with all his brain power will come and be learning on the job.

He has to play opposition for the next four years, understand the terrain, critically assess the government, its policy, its thrust in a bid to better engage and then after being in that school for four years come back. Then he will be ready.

For me, I still say that Governor Sanwo-Olu remains the best of the three although he seems to be a bit muted, maybe because of his work as Chief domestic aide of the President-elect. He still stands the best chance of leading Lagos to where it should be for the next four years.

Mr. Doherty well-done for that letter, kindly also look at other areas and make your positions very clear and less of emotions and theatrics and you will begin to get the respect of not only us but even the incumbent and don’t be surprised, even he may secretly be looking at you as possible successor.

Well done.

Solape Akinpelu: Value up!!!

Solape is a serious entrepreneur, promoting the financial health of women through her out of this world Fintech, Hervest. Solape, a very beautiful investment banker who has worked in some of the very super distinguished investment houses like Meristem, set up Hervest to, among others, support female farmers.

Hervest immediately hit its stride by registering over 20,000 subscribers, mostly female. Her impact is felt more powerfully in distress areas where she supports female farmers in providing outlets for their produce among others.

As a continuation of Hervest proven mission of empowering their gender, they are organising the Value Up session which will take place this may at the MUSON. According to Solape, “our goal with this event is to provide a platform for women to gain access to the necessary resources and knowledge to become more financially empowered.”

Well-done my sister, mbok value up. Thanks.