Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

Hilda Baci: The Making of a Racist

I didn’t know that I could have racist tendencies until this my sister started cooking a storm. At first, I didn’t really connect; you know these our youths are usually up to one thing or the other on social media. Someone had sent a post to me, showing her mother praying for her and she standing behind a glass cover to be cooking. I just looked at it and comot eye. Then the post started flooding, one ‘Calabar’ girl was trying to hit the Guinness Book of World records for the longest cooking spree.

Then it caught fire. Everybody started rushing there, even Governor Sanwo-Olu came out of hiding to come and taste our food. Lagos and indeed the world became animated. Then, the pictures of Hilda started coming out and that distracted me from the cooking. Come and see, body. Come and see shape, come and see beauty. Mbok, what is this kind of a queen doing in the kitchen, I asked myself. This is injustice, I screamed. “Common, leave the kitchen and let me employ 1,000 people to cook for you,” I screamed at the pictures.

Then she beat the record and even added some more hours to it. I sent a message offering to join her massage team, as I saw people massaging her to keep her going. Of course nobody answered me but instead started engaging me on the correct spelling of her local government which I had immediately claimed.

Then I released a statement – Akwa Ibom-born damsel… I had said. Immediately, a top Lagos State official engaged me – “Edgar you didn’t add in your narrative that she is Lagos-based and Lagos gave her the environment to excel, please withdraw and rewrite and put Lagos,” he said.

I said, “Look at this one o. When you people were flogging us during the election you did not know. Kai, please leave us o. This is the only one we have, let us milk it well na, after all we are not sharing Bobrisky with you. Let us enjoy this one exclusively and peacefully, because we do not know when the next full-blooded Akwa Ibom hero will emerge.” No vex my sister.

SP Benjamin Hundeyin: Let’s Grow up

Bro, I believe we have never met, but my name is Edgar Joseph also known as the Duke of Shomolu. See my brother, I have had a very long and colourful relationship with the police which mostly puts me on the side of the police in most public dramas.

This is why I have decided to write to you directly on this Seun matter. You see, since Seun decided to go and slap one of your boys and rain curses and abuses on him, I have been watching very closely how the police will react, especially you that I have heard is the IPO.

My fear since this matter started was for the police not to go and lose the moral high ground on this thing. It is very clear what has happened, we all saw the video. The man was totally wrong judging by that video and no matter what transpired before and after the slap, the slap that we saw is enough to crucify the young lad.

But my expectation and that of millions, was that the Police would have used the opportunity to show Nigerians that this was a different force. A much more mature force and a force that would look at the principles of fairness and justice as they pursued not only this case but other cases.

I would have expected that the force would use this matter to show the world the reforms if any that has been going on within it. But as expected, you all seem to have lost the plot. From the first statement as reported from the Inspector General to the Police Service Commission (PSC) and to your own activities as stated by Seun’s lawyers, it is looking like the police are out for revenge which is not a mature thing to do.

Seun slap police on Third Mainland Bridge, wetin concern IG and PSC who will now leave heavier issues like police welfare which is one of the worst in the world and the mass murder going on in Plateau State to be issuing statements. Something that the DPO in Idumota can handle. Then as we have been told, the booing and mocking of the ‘suspect’ by your men, calling his lawyer ‘mad lawyer,’ the mug shot, the long convoy with siren moving him from Ikeja to Yaba, the search of his house (yes you say you got a court order) and everything concerning this matter is making you lose the initial public goodwill on this matter and beginning to put Seun in a position of pity.

My brother, let’s grow up. Let’s build the police into a serious internationally respectable organisation and it is matters like this that are in the public eye, that you should be using to achieve our support.

If you have time, come let me take you for lunch and let’s talk over plates of hot steamy afang and discuss a better approach to this and other matters. It is beyond Seun my brother; it is the police in its entirety.

But abeg, if you accept the invitation and you want to reach out, when you call, don’t say “is that Edgarrrrrrrr? This is the Superintendent of police…” Before you finish, I go don faint. Abeg, me don’t have that kind of Seun mind, just send one very fine female police officer, make she call and book the appointment. Thank you. I am paying for the afang o before you people will come and do me Prof Tam David-West of the tea and wristwatch saga. Kai!

Lamidi Apapa: Hand of Esau, Face of Judas

Anybody that is watching very closely the activities of this ‘Baba’ and believing that he is self-driven has never visited any brothel in Shomolu. My people, this Baba is teleguided and I would have been very, very surprised if this was not happening.

Anybody who does not understand the master strategist that is claiming to have won this presidential election has himself to blame. I can swear with my last plate of afang that the man is behind this matter. He will be very stupid not to be behind it and as we all know; the man can be anything but dumb.

Me sef, if I were in his shoes, I would do the same thing. So, I will sit down there and allow my wife to go and inspect Aso Villa when a strong case like this is in court? No eunuch worth his balls will ever do that. You will do everything within your powers to destabilise your opponents and weaken him.  Abi would you have gone through that long and tortuous journey that we have been told took all of 30 years only to come and be kicked out by one ‘omo yibo’ who is always wearing black and be talking like say, cockroach laid egg in his throat.

The only mistake here is that, this Baba is not sophisticated, he even looks like Nati, that long necked perpetually hungry character in that legendary sitcom ‘New Masquerade.’ His gimmicks are so archaic and open for all to see.

See him going to fight for a seat in the court. Who does that, how will his sitting position help his matter? Is it that he will be well positioned to be winking at the judge or to blow juju into the judge’s eyes so that he will now be doing like they do in Nollywood and be reading mumu judgment?

It is no wonder that he was heckled, booed and harassed outside the court. I felt so ashamed for someone’s great grandfather exposing himself to such public ridicule that I began to wonder just how sweet this bowl of porridge is that would make someone so old threaten his place in history. Na wa.

Abdul’aziz Yari, Please Avoid Rufai Oseni

I am advising politicians who do not have the depth or intellectual gusto to face fire to please avoid Mr. Rufai Oseni of ARISE News. I think we should also send Seun Kuti when he is through with his court wahala to go to Rufai and have a nice discussion with him on all of these kinds of questions he is asking these politicians.

This Rufai is a very big bully; he will be going after ‘soft targets’ and asking them these kinds of questions. You see Baba who just wants to be Senate President – a position that seems to have been zoned to the most intellectually lazy of our Senators — and you are asking him questions you should be asking the IMF President.

Ninety-two per cent poverty rate in Zamfara? You are asking this Baba? The man kuku gave you the answer you deserve. He looked at you squarely and asked if he was the only Governor in Zamfara history. Abi. I agree at least during his tenure the thing didn’t hit the 100% mark and to show that there ‘is money’ in Zamfara, he went ahead to buy a book for N250m.

You Rufai, with that your suit like Icheoku own, can you buy a book for N10,000, and you are there asking funny questions when the man is bent on stopping my brother and kinsman from being Senate President.

Your Excellency, please let me plead on behalf of my brother, Rufai. The man is confused and hungry. Please don’t vex, shebi Fayose the other day shouted, “Reuben, shebi you have told me you will hold this Rufai, see now…”

Please any politician worth his salt, should please avoid Rufai Oseni, his head is not correct o. Poverty in Zamfara? Is that a question any responsible journalist should be asking? I will slap you ooooo…

Goodswill Akpabio: I Cast and Bind

This is the third time I am writing about this gentleman in one month. It shows my state of revulsion and my very strong stand against his candidacy. Everything in my body is against this move – my spirit, my soul and even my something. I swear, this is just so wrong in all forms. First, the man has not shown any seriousness in the very important work at the Senate. He has shown a huge inability to be principled and loyal and much more importantly, his last tour of duty at that ministry is really nothing to write home about.

Having him as Senate President in this ‘na me, na me’ government we are about to enter now, is just the last straw. Please, where is the opposition that Akpabio will give to a Tinubu – student of the same school of developmental avarice? Please which uncommon law will be promulgated during his term?

Yes, we have turned the Senate into a retirement home where ineffective and ‘failed’ governors will go and inhabit and be sleeping and be calling themselves anything but distinguished, that does not mean that this kind of leadership should be fostered on us.

Shebi it is looking like the Republic of ‘Bala balu’ will descend on us and the least we can even do is to attempt to build a strong bulwark in the National Assembly. Let it be that we put credible leadership in the first place and along the line, they do the usual Nigerian politician thing and capitulate rather than putting a leadership that is very clear from the onset will be a ‘paddy paddy’ one.

Please, as my mother would say, “my spirit, soul and being is totally against this,” but will our senators listen to the lone voice crying in the wilderness?

In this Nigeria, na scorpion go chop your ‘ekporo’ in the wilderness. As you are screaming nobody will listen and Akpabio will emerge. Kai, tears for a country.

FFK and US Visa Ban

Kai, since this matter came to public awareness, my egbon and greatest orator of all times have been very touchy. You will all remember his fight with the British Ambassador and now that the US has carried out their threat by announcing that Nigerians who fought against democracy will face a visa ban, my lord FFK has come out firing.

He has called for a reciprocal ban and all that. I just laughed, which country wants to ban which country? Where will our President be going to see his dentists and paediatrician? Mbok, my brother, let us go and look at that list and if our name is there we just beg o.

Me, I am afraid that my name can be there o. Shebi you remember that I supported Sanwo-Olu and those people that were flogging the ‘omo-Igbo’ in Lagos also supported him, so fear is also catching me.

But seriously, the contradiction of the whole exercise is making me laugh here. We are about to swear in a new president that most Nigerians can swear on their last kobo did not win the election, the case is in court, the US top official calls him to congratulate him and offers to work with him and then the same US is now talking about a visa ban.

Mbok, who do they want to ban? Is it the Nigerian who was disenfranchised because of his language or the ones that faced violence at the polling booth, or the ones that are in court fighting to redeem their mandates or the judges who are delivering judgments that would make the famed judge in that rested TV series- Icheoku fall from his bed in laughter?

The people who are supporting this incoming are the people who should be on that list, I swear. The people who are jostling for positions in the incoming should populate that list, anything less will be a great travesty.

But then again, if not that we are a shameless people, why would a visa ban on us be such a huge sanction? I tire o. When countries like Russia are facing better sanction, we na visa ban we dey face and fear.

Abeg my brother Femi Fani-Kayode, if you have expo on that list please let me know if my name is there so I will know which pastor to run to and if you sef appear on the list, no worry yourself, I have a prophet that can do the work. I swear. Let’s talk egbon.

Dele Momodu: 63 Garlands for a Hero

Let me confess. Dele Momodu was one of the first columnists that attracted me. I used to love to read his columns in the now rested Fame magazine. I had followed him through Classics where he was the youngest Editor in the land then through to Fame.

I once went to their Ikeja office like I always did those days, just to sit and flow with the superstar writers of the day. For me, FAJ and the rest were my own Michael Jackson and then Uncle Dele walked in. I still remember he was in jeans, a nice long sleeved t-shirt and beautiful loafers on his feet. He was still big, with a huge tummy and an expansive laugh. I looked from afar, admiring him and being afraid to go say hello.

Since then, I have followed his trajectory. I do not agree with his politics most times, but his prose, I can die for. Kai! Uncle Dele can write, he writes himself into the article. It usually feels like eating afang when I read him. His ideas with paragraphs dovetailing into each other with so much ease that you begin to beg that the article will not finish.

He has been everything; from a writer to publisher to failed presidential aspirant and now PDP henchman but what has remained is his talent. His ability to tell a story very vividly, capturing the essence of his subject and holding the reader prisoner.

I spoke to him the other day, when I begged him to help me beg one sponsor to pay my money and he still sounded very brilliant on the phone. Humble and sweet is what I will call him

Saw his birthday video with Peter Obi in London and marvelled at just how good he looked in it. But wait, was that Yemi Edun in that video? That is my brother for life oooooo.

Happy birthday my egbon, I wish you God’s eternal grace and a momentous rest of your life. God bless you.