Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

President Bola Tinubu: An Unauthorised Discussion

Duke, you have to look at this Tinubu thing again o. That was my egbon, the great advertising guru Dapo Adelegan in his country home in Akure. I had flown into the Ondo State capital on my way to Ekiti on the invitation of the NACCIMA to come and deliver a paper on entertainment.

Bros is to chair the session which would also have the great Alibaba speaking and he said, “Edgar, why not come spend a day with me and we head up to Ekiti together.” Sensing free pounded yam and egusi, I quickly agreed. Immediately I entered his expansive and exquisite abode, talk enter Tinubu. The man, being a strategist, didn’t start talking until he had loaded the table with pounded yam, egusi, efo riro, plenty goat meat, bottles of exquisite wines and I started feeling like the late Prof Tam David-West who entered trouble over a cup of tea.

Well, with the goat meat smelling into my nostrils, I was captured. “Edgar, you have to move away from where you are. Look critically at the back story. His struggles, his push, his determination despite strident opposition, the events surrounding the elections, the Naira squeeze, fuel scarcity and all.

“Edgar, surely even you must see that there is more to this Tinubu matter than meets the eye.”

How can I see, when I was busy gnashing at the goat meat against Dr. Nwabuoko’s orders of me stopping all forms of meat because of my cholesterol level? I said: “Egbon, I don’t like the man and there is nothing you will say, in fact if you continue, I will leave your house immediately.”

He didn’t give up as he asked for them to bring nice British tea to wash down all that Ondo pounded yam. “Duke, see there are different powers that control this country – political, one other one I don forget and spiritual and they all seemed to have aligned in making Tinubu President. See what he did with NADECO. This egbon no dey give up o as I gnashed at the last goat meat on the plate.”

‘Duke, the man is like you. He was first an activist, disrupting…” I shouted ‘he is not like me o, I fine pass am at that age o.’ He laughed. “But seriously, you want to be a senator, you must begin to look at things differently. Tinubu first started with disrupting the status quo, exactly where you are right now and then gradually moved into the mainstream and started disrupting and building bridges. See how he moved from the last man standing in Lagos, during the Obasanjo ‘attack’ on the South-west to now emerging ‘resident.”

Then he dropped the bombshell, “Edgar, I want you to write an unauthorised biography of Tinubu. Don’t yab him and let the book be positive. Take the facts and dispassionately report it.”

I looked up at this egbon, is he serious? I should write an unauthorised biography on Tinubu? A man I don’t like? He continued, “see Edgar, start from June 12 and end it on the day he was sworn in. Get very credible researchers and just throw the facts in place and let Nigerians decide.”

He got me. He got me there. This man can be so convincing, it’s no wonder he was able to use mouth as a 25-year-old to convince Lagos State Government to give him permission to stage the first Lekki Sunsplash which opened up Lekki and moved millions into the dense forest and beaches that was Lekki then to go and suffer for days all in the name of music.

Just like the huge momentum of Lekki Sunsplash, he seems to have moved mountains with this idea – an unauthorised biography of this bala blu baba? Sounds exciting abi? He begged me to keep it under wraps and continue work, but as I sit in this lonely room at the Afe Babalola University Guest Inn with nothing to write for this column I have released it now o. I know some mumu APC people will run with this idea now o.

Let me warn, me I kuku want to do the baba a favour by considering this book, if anybody thief my idea, I no go write am again o and una go dey deny the man a place in immortality. I don talk o. Meanwhile, egbon Dapo, thanks for the poundo. When am I coming again?

Dele Oye: Man of the Moment

As I write, let me confess that I have not physically met the man. But he has just emerged as the 22nd President of the Nigerian Chambers of Commerce and Industries at its 60th abi 63rd AGM holding here in Ekiti of which I was invited to come and speak with no arrangement for afang. I just dey look am, person wey I go still yab now.

Anyway, he had called some time ago to discuss his vision for the chambers and I found a very passionate Nigerian. His passion for the country is palpable and his strong belief that the economy was the main solution to the political wahala and insecurity that we face in this country sits down very well with my position. He wanted to better understand the entertainment industry and wanted to have a fair discussion with me but ended up educating me sef. As an erudite lawyer, he spoke about the legal framework that would enable the further growth of the sector. He also talked about the need for funding from third party structures that would push in efficiency and empowerment. I just keep quiet, dey wonder, why he come call me in the first place if he already had all of the answers.

The great man is coming at the helm of affairs of this very strategic association that is well placed to benefit from a new government that is looking to free up the economy and push market reforms.

While I am congratulating bro, I will tell him very clearly that his job is cut out for him. He must look at shoring up capacity utilisation among his members, push a level playing ground and build a powerful lobby that would serve as a bridge between the private sector and government as we begin the slow and obviously very tardy move away from the locust of the last eight years. I wish you well my big brother. Congrats.

Festus Keyamo’s Qualifications in Question

Na wa, I laugh tire at the statement from Atiku’s people but credited to Mr. Atiku in most reports. After Keyamo’s case against Atiku seeking him be prosecuted by the EFCC following the mouth diarrhoea of his former aide was kicked out complete with fine? Atiku’s people began to wonder how he got his qualifications to be a lawyer. They didn’t stop there o, they even began to query how he made SAN which is usually reserved for the brightest and the best in the profession.

They further compounded Keyamo’s life by listing some cases he had lost very glamorously and to add bite, even mentioned his case against this same Asiwaju on his certificates and qualifications’ and ended it with a terrible slap by wondering how he served under the legendary Gani Fawehinmi.

This is the one that pained me. How can Keyamo allow the great Fawehinmi to be dragged into this kind thing? Atiku and your people, please if pikin decide to be wayward, he no mean say him papa no teach am well o. Afterall, na medicine dem send Fela go learn for UK, we all saw what came out of that adventure.

So, if Keyamo like to turn himself from SAN to SAF — Senior Advocate of Frivolity — wetin concern Gani Fawehinmi. Please stop or else you will all see me for your office. Kai!

Nasir el-Rufai: Stirring the Hornets’ Nest

Bros sha like to just open mouth and talk. To think that I once would have supported him for the biggest post in the land, churns my insides making me want to puke at the thought.

This his latest rant as contained in most reports, just makes me and all right-thinking Nigerians nauseate. So, the fact that a ‘Muslim-Muslim’ candidacy has been fostered on us as a result of the most incredulous and colourful electoral process since democracy was founded by the Greek in Uyo, does not mean that a man of his stature — literally —  and status should now be gloating.

He was reported to have said that since he delivered his state on the ‘Muslim – Muslim’ ticket, and as such same happened at the centre that this must now be the holy grail for all positioning and elections going forward. Me, I don’t believe he can be this insensitive so I am taking the reports with a pinch of salt and holding back fire.

Let him come and say it to my face. I really dare him to stand on a stool and face me eyeball to eyeball and repeat those words in exactly the way he is reported to have said it and see if he would not be exchanging notes with that policeman that had a brief discussion with Seun Kuti on Third Mainland Bridge.

Let me even say something here. Our leaders must understand that this is a complex and intriguing country with different colourful tendencies. Be it religion, ethnicity, sex or anything, we are so complex and leaders must learn how to fly above these shallow prisms to lead us as a united people. Basically, strengthen our diversity and union through holistic and wholesome leadership.

So, this statement in any ramification does not sit in our Nigeria and as such, I will order a DNA test on you to see if you sef come from Niger Republic. I don tire for people like you. Kai!

Mudashiru Obasa: Methuselah in the House

During the last inauguration at the TBS, I struggled to enter the most important pavilion in the whole place. The one that housed His Excellency and all very important officials of state and prominent business people and diplomatic corps.

With my Akwa Ibom wrapper, this was always going to be a tedious one. As we argued with security, with me telling the burly bouncer that, “look I am a white cap chief from Isale Eko,” and the man looking at me with mild excitement and still not budging, I just saw one big head coming through.

I say this head be like my brother Obasa own o. As he got closer, I confirmed that it was his head. He looked at me, smiled and passed through and entered the pavilion, I smiled and said, ok, bro I go yab you next week.

Well, he has reemerged with history. He is the first to win a sixth term and also the first to win a third term as speaker. Even though the dark clouds of investigation and General Tajudeen – kai I don forget him surname o but na former Minister of Communications – hover around his head, he still is a man of history.

General Taju had kicked against his comeback lamenting that indigenes of Lagos were not represented in the first three positions in the state. He had opined that at least this one should have an indigene of Lagos and Lagos did not listen to him and returned Obasa.

My fervent prayer is that this his sixth term should be historic in monumental achievements that impact the people of Lagos and not just historic in the number of years spent before he will now after 20 years be gunning to be Chief of Staff of Governor, like him paddy somewhere else.

Mr. Obasa, let’s have a more credible tenure this time my brother, the other ones, you sef know wetin he be, let this one be different abeg. Thank you.

Ike Ekweremadu: A Passionate Appeal

I cannot seem to push this matter away. The health and humanitarian angles tugging at my heart and conscience pushing me to tears many nights. This was a father and mother faced with a possible loss of a child due to a debilitating condition. The love a parent has for a child enveloping all common sense. Everything must be done to save this child, everything.

Advice is sought and solutions provided. At that point all that is in your head is ‘how much’ a figure is given and money is released.

Ike has broken so many laws. Yes, he has stolen Nigeria dry as you people are shouting and the boy that was to be harvested – na person pikin too – shebi he didn’t build hospital in his village and all of that talk aside.

Me, I am begging. Whatever needs to be done should be done and at whatever level, to get him out of this predicament. He didn’t wage a war against the British establishment, he didn’t carry drugs, he was not a mercenary nor a shoe bomber, he just wanted to save his child and went about it in the wrongest and most illegal of ways and has paid very dearly for this.

So na beg, remain. Please, I am on my knees, Mr. President Asiwaju. Don’t mind me, don’t vex, please is there anything you can do? Anybody who has seen the trauma of a kidney ailment will perfectly understand why he did what he did. Even though this does not justify the ways and means that he went about it.

But I will really be surprised if we allow him to rot in that British prison, hence my fervent plea. I will also be writing to the British High Commission asking them to beg their Indian Prime Minister for clemency. Will also approach the Indian community in Ilupeju to help put mouth.

This was a crime of passion and nothing else. Please help Ike. Please. I no even know am sef, na just the painfulness of the matter. Kai. Sad.

Hon. Ottobong Bob: Not Too Young to Rule

At 30, this my little brother had already emerged a member of the Akwa Ibom State House of Assembly representing Nsit Ubium Local Government. Now I used to confuse this Local Government with my own. Mine is Nsit Ibom so I use them interchangeably and people will now be saying, “Duke how can you be Senator when you don’t even know your local government and cannot even spell it.”

Anyways, this young man has just won a second term and has invited me to his inauguration reception in Akwa Ibom. If not that I am on self-exile as a result of the way they treated my candidate, I would have gone but I am stuck in Ekiti doing what I know best to do, looking for trouble.

It is remarkable to note that his mother the beautiful Comfort was my classmate in Command Secondary School and his father the honourable Senator Effiong Bob is one of the most brilliant lawyers to ever come out of that state, giving him a strong and rich pedigree to build a very resounding career for the betterment of the people.

Findings have shown that he has delivered a very independent mindset, a vivacious leadership trait and a strong resolve to show maturity and love for his people hence his resounding victory at the polls where I hear the margin was out of this world.

Please bro, keep my afang once I am free, I’ll fly in on the wonderful Ibom Air and come and celebrate with you. Well-done and God bless you.