Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar
Tinubu Has Surprised Us
It’s looking like Baba wants to put us to shame o. We that screamed to the high heavens that ‘over our dead body’ before this ‘kind’ person becomes our President. It appears that ever since he came to power, Baba has deliberately gone ahead to shame us with the deliberateness of his moves.
I watched him the other day, speaking to a delegation from the Nigerian Association of Nigerian Students (NANS) and the grogginess that characterised the campaigns, the drooling of his speech, making it look like he was unstable, had all but disappeared.
He spoke on the need for every Nigerian child having an opportunity to be educated even the Boli seller’s child.
\I was impressed o. Nigerians have been mostly impressed. In a few days, he has removed subsidy- something that very strong leaders from Obasanjo to the almost dour Buhari could not dare, he has made some strategic appointments, defanged the ill-fated and ‘okobo’ NLC , introduced the student loan and Education Bank, moved against the CBN Governor and just as I am writing this column, thrown Mr. Bawa, the EFCC Oga into the dustbin, making him the latest guest at the DSS office.
Instantly, the economy seems to be responding with the NGX reporting massive gains, the price of domestic gas crashing, daily usage of petrol reportedly dropping by over 60% and the crash of the dual exchange rate, seeing the Naira gaining strength at the markets.
If he continues at this pace, some of us may just begin to think very seriously about sending a comprehensive apology for all the abuse and ‘terror’ we have thrown his way. But as my brother Ola would say, “Edgar, me I no dey carried away o, the man gets to prove himself at the courts on this him election. When he win for there, then you fit come back. For now, na siddon look me I dey.”
For me however, the jury is out on this. Should this his initial performance blur the very odious cloud of his past and colourful trail towards the Presidency which has gifted us with a possible entry into the Guinness Book of World Records as the most ‘funny electioneering process ever’? Yes, the election that threw up this Baba.
Godswill Akpabio Made It
That our new Senate President made it to the much-coveted position has filled me with a bittersweet feeling. His ascendance has thrown me into a spastic confusion as I no know how to react again. By now, you should be expecting me and most Akwa Ibom people to be very giddy with excitement and pride abi?
This is the highest we have ever gone at the federal level. Prior to this was Etim Inyang at the Police station and even that one ended in ridicule, when he could not hold down the dreaded Lawrence Anini, making General Ibrahim Babangida to ask him, “my friend, where is Anini?” Before then, we had Clement Isong at the CBN. After these two it’s been mostly the system ignoring us or just throwing some very funny and irrelevant positions towards us despite our major oil wells and the constellation of very erudite and intelligent people that populate the state.
Now we have the Senate Presidency, the third in command and na Godswill come get am. A very colourful politician with tricks like a failed magician up his sleeve. He calls himself the uncommon politician and truly moves around with an uncommon penchant of really not having any well driven penchant for values and vision.
He did creditably well as governor of our state but his stint at the Senate and the ministry were just a funny walk in the park of self-interest induced voyeurism.
Is this a celebration for Akwa Ibom? Make I just keep quiet.
Orji Kalu: Weep Not Adult
Kai! I would have entered a big trouble o. When I saw the headlines, ‘Orji kalu weeps,’ I wanted to fire. What is he weeping for, I asked? Another headline screamed, ‘Nigeria has not been fair to me.’ By this time, I had already sharpened my pen to blow him into bits but this God that I am worshipping that has never failed me, stopped me at 4am as I was writing this column.
The Holy Spirit said to me, “My son, why not watch the clip first before you write yourself into purgatory.” So, I went straight to YouTube and watched the clip. Kai! I follow the Chief Whip weep o.
“I employed 13,800 Nigerians, I have three factories in Lagos, two in Otta, three in the east and yet I am a thief?” Kai. Kai. Kai. By this time, his voice broke as he continued: “They ruined my business, tried to kill me and sent me to prison.”
Oh mbok, by this time, even me had joined him in tears.
“Oh those who sent me to prison know why they did. I survived and today I want to thank those of you who stood by me,” he ended in tears.
Kai, such a touching episode mbok. I pitied him o, I really pitied him o as I watched him shed very hot tears o. I felt his pain and also felt like just going to him and hugging him and saying, “Weep not adult.” Kai!
Abdulrasheed Bawa: A Tale of Banana Peel
I think it was the Senate Presidency that the theory of banana peel was linked but it is looking like it is the chairmanship of the EFCC, the corruption fighting agency set up by my hero, Chief Obasanjo, that truly owns the analogy.
Almost every chairman of the place has been disgraced out of the office with the boyish looking Mr. Bawa being the latest victim. Much wasn’t really expected from him, especially if you took into contention stories of his colourful past especially in his Port Harcourt days, so I was not really surprised last night as the news filtered into the space that he had been suspended indefinitely and invited by the ever so efficient DSS to answer some questions.
The way this DSS dey go, be like say even Estate Chairman wey dem mistake suspend go also get dem invite. I am beginning to wonder wetin police dey do now apart from seeking life jail for Seun Kuti.
Anyway, Mr. Bawa has gone the way of his predecessors in obvious shame and I really do wish him well, because I liked him. I swear, I really liked him for his boyish handsome looks but alas na the same bla bla black sheep. Na wa.
Abdullahi Ganduje: An Attempted Slap
Those days during the heady and mad days of the military junta, they will tell you that it is not only executing a coup but also thinking it is an offence punishable by death. As a result of this wonky thinking, a lot of brave soldiers lost their lives and careers. So, this one that Ganduje did not only think it but said it, then he has committed a capital offence.
Saying that if he came across the great Kwankwaso of the red and white stripe cap fame, he would slap him means that he has already committed the offence and appropriate measures must be taken in this wise.
My recommendations. Since boxing as a sport has died in our country, a fight should be organised with these two overfed and obviously almost jobless politicians as the main gladiators. The fight can be held in a neutral place like Uyo during the happy hours where subsidised drinks will be sold to the spectators by the state government.
The fight would be televised live with a pay per view element which should raise money for all the ‘Almajiri’ in Kano that have suffered in the hands of these two.
This is what you get from a system that never throws up its best and quality in leadership. When ‘gargoyles’ get thrown up into leadership, what you get is a circus of the absurd. Simple. We really have to start taking ourselves much more seriously in this country. I swear.
Akin Kekere-Ekun: A Perfect Gentleman at 70
Come July 1, one of the most respected and highly intelligent Nigerians will be 70. Mr. Akin Kekere-Ekun was Managing Director of the very successful Habib Bank and former Chairman of the Technical Committee on Privatisation.
Mr. Keks as he is fondly called has lived a remarkable life of quiet achievement. He has continued to contribute to discussions especially on the economy, leadership and others in his very quiet and non-intrusive manner. Not for him the boisterousness that comes with public life but a deliberate and very sublime engagement to strategic circles as he continues to quietly yearn for good governance.
I hear there will be a lecture on said date and I have been invited which has made me deeply honoured. I always used to say that there are five Nigerians I respect phenomenally and Mr. Keks is on that list. Happy birthday my Oga and may God keep you for us o. We still have much to learn from you sir.
Hilda Baci: It’s Raining Chefs
Since my sister has carried her beautiful self to cook herself into the history books, all sorts of chefs have been coming out of the wood works to attempt a copy. You see why Nigerians will never seize to amaze?
From Ekiti and I hear Ibadan, some funny people have been cooking boli and dundun in an attempt at denigrating the mean feat that took over five years of meticulous planning and training to achieve.
As I watched these funny people serve their guests in rubber spoons and on disposable packs with the food looking like what you see in those documentaries on famine in Africa, I began to wonder just what all of this is about. The closest explanation I can give to this is that they portend nothing but a mild irritation and should be treated as such, like the way you treat a bad rash.
Well-done my dear sister especially with the affirmation of the record, even with the cancellation of seven hours by the Guinness people. Well-done my sister, your courage, strength and fortitude gave you the record, making Nigerians very very proud of you. Mbok don’t mind those ones cooking guguru and epa and charging people N1,000 to eat. Na wa.
Portable Zazu: A Prophet with No Honour
This musician is an unlikely prophet looking dishevelled and riotous. He can be best described as dirty-looking and illiterate. But in his chaos, he continues to make credible inroads in the music industry and also in life.
I saw a video of him that was really engaging and spoke to life. Apparently after getting tired of the ‘advisers’- his wife’s friends’ who have been advising her to leave him – he came out to announce that he had slept with at least 10 of the so-called advisers after which he dared his wife to take their advice and see what would happen.
You see, this is the reality of life in most relationships, be it marriage or just boyfriend and girlfriend.
Once there is a small problem, her friends will move in – leave home, how can he slap you, how can he be cheating, he doesn’t give you chop money, he has not sent you to France, his mother is wicked. They will always end it with, “what are you still doing there? Me, I have gone since o.” Then they will start calling your wife, Ruth ‘aboko ku’, all in an attempt to get her out of your house.
This is what Portable has addressed in his illiterate manner with all wisdom. These ‘advisers’ are usually the first to jump in once the sad woman takes their advice. They will position themselves and be ‘chopping’ on the side even as they taunt and provoke the wife to leave an otherwise good man just because he had made the fatal error of impregnating the housemaid.
Although most men will not sleep with ten of the wives’ friends like Portable, the lesson in his speech is very clear. Our women should better have sense and face the reality of their situation without the egging of friends who are not in the relationship with you.
My advice is to focus on your man and be the best you can be for him even if he is doing some exploration in between the legs of your sexy housemaid. Just keep being the doting housewife, because your reward is in heaven. Kai, I don run o.
