The Myth about marriage – Coach Nancy Oblete

Meet Nancy Oblete, an experienced marriage coach. Her wealth of experience have saved many marriages. In this dispensation she spoke about the journey so far and misconceptions around marriage.

-A brief introduction about you.

I’m Nancy Oblete, not just a proud mother of two and a devoted wife, but also a passionate expert in marriage coaching, conflict resolution, and behavioral transformation. My academic journey led me to the University of Jos, where I immersed myself in Building Studies. Today, I apply the foundations I learned there to build stronger, healthier relationships and help people navigate complex emotional landscapes.
How long have you been practicing and what led you into going professional
Allow me to take you back to 2012, when my journey in this field began. Back then, my husband and I served as joint facilitators for our church’s premarital counseling group. From the onset of our own marital journey, we were deeply committed to fostering a blissful home. As we began to reap the rewards of our thriving relationship, our desire for self-improvement didn’t cease. We realized that the insights and experiences we had garnered were too valuable to be kept to ourselves. We felt a compelling urge to disseminate these learnings to embattled families and organizations who could greatly benefit from them. And just like that, sharing our knowledge with as many as possible became our mission. Fast forward to today, and it’s been an enriching journey of over a decade. During this time, I have earned a reputation as a sought-after expert in marriage coaching, conflict resolution, and behavioural transformation.

-How do you manage juggling all these services you render?

It depends on your perspective but from where I stand. The services on offer bear striking similarities. Wherever human interactions occur, conflicts inevitably arise, and comprehension of oneself and others enhances overall efficiency, whether in professional settings or intimate relationships. The foundational principles governing one type of relationship are often applicable to others. This implies that the techniques employed in family dynamics can be adapted to the workplace, provided we acknowledge and adjust for the unique characteristics and nuances of each setting.

-Since you are in the marriage sphere and also based on your experience so far, what’s the common mistake you believe people make in marriage?

There are several misconceptions worth noting. Firstly, the false notion that a healthy marriage is devoid of conflicts. Secondly, the misconception that marriages either naturally succeed or fail, overlooking the crucial roles both parties play in fostering a successful relationship. Thirdly, the misguided belief that a blissful courtship is a guarantee of a trouble-free marriage. Lastly, the tendency to abandon a relationship without seeking professional assistance, or delaying help until it’s too late. On average, couples endure six to eight years of struggle before voicing their issues. Unfortunately, by this time, many have lost the motivation necessary to turn their relationship around.

-What are the challenges you face as a career woman in Nigeria, and how do you suggest can be done to make life less challenging for career women?

As a woman who is more vocal than my partner, many quickly surmise that I am dominant or controlling. In professional settings, certain men struggle to accept directives from me, simply because I’m female. There are two strategies that have proven effective in navigating these obstacles; I maintain respect towards all my colleagues and strive to cultivate a strong rapport with my team. Over time, they recognize my contribution, creating a harmonious environment.
Furthermore, I believe the onus is on parents to instill in their children the importance of valuing individuals primarily for their humanity. It’s an unfortunate reality that women often have to exert more effort to have their worth acknowledged. It’s a challenge that requires diligent work and broad education, yet I remain hopeful that the not-too-distant future will showcase greater gender equity demonstrated in our everyday exchanges.”

–was there ever a time you got tired of what you do and considered quitting?

There have been moments of fatigue, particularly in striving for acceptance, but the thought of giving up has never crossed my mind. I am steadfast in my belief that if someone else can achieve something, I can accomplish the same, if not surpass them. I constantly question my methods, identifying areas where I may have faltered, or where improvements can be made. This process of continual self-evolution, learning, and relearning can be demanding, I admit. However, I am fortunate to have a strong support network, including my husband and a handful of close friends, who I can turn to when the pressures become too much.

–What are you currently working on and where do you see your brand in the next five years?

I am currently developing a comprehensive guide on conflict management for couples, which includes a video series and a supplementary workbook. These resources aim to assist partners in navigating their most complex disputes in a manner that fosters stronger, more satisfying relationships.
In five years’ time, our organization will be a leading authority in providing relational conflict management training and consultation for businesses and families. We anticipate a track record of rescuing marriages on the verge of dissolution through our personalized intervention strategies, and we aim to share these effective methods with other relationship coaches.

-*How do manage such a demanding career with running a family? *

My spouse and I operate our household in partnership – stepping in for one another as needed. This approach has provided countless benefits. Another strategy I employ is meticulous planning. My timetable encompasses all aspects, from family to career and additional responsibilities. It’s not flawless, but it’s a significant aid to me. Usually, one aspect doesn’t falter at the expense of another. Overall, it’s an ongoing cycle of growth; we continuously assess and adapt to the situations that arise.

-What do you regard as the wrong perception society has sold to individuals about marriage?

One of the most pervasive myths about romantic partnerships is that you’re either blessed with a harmonious relationship or you’re not. Sure, there are pairs who naturally excel in aspects like communication and trust-building due to their upbringing, requiring less effort. However, for most, these are skills that need to be cultivated. With determination and professional assistance, every relationship has the potential to improve and prosper. Another misleading notion is the idea that couples should keep their problems to themselves. While it’s true that airing marital issues randomly can worsen the situation, it’s important to seek help when needed, and from the right sources. Just as we would visit a doctor for medical concerns and a mechanic for vehicle troubles, marital problems should be addressed by qualified professionals. Far too many relationships, which could have been saved, have crumbled due to this misguided belief.

-In your own words, what’s the best way to solve a conflict in marriage?

I prefer the term ‘manage’ over ‘solve’ for conflicts in marriage, as not all marital disputes are resolvable. According to studies, 69% of conflicts in a relationship persist throughout its lifespan, often due to fundamental differences in personality, values, and aspirations. However, these disagreements don’t necessarily have to disrupt marital peace. The objective should be to manage these perpetual conflicts and resolve the resolvable ones promptly. The cornerstone of any conflict management strategy is understanding. It’s essential to comprehend the main issues, your partner’s stance, their concerns, and their reasoning. If both parties grasp these aspects of a disagreement, finding a solution becomes more straightforward. Often, I observe couples assuming they fully understand their partner’s viewpoint without confirming. Alternatively, spouses may think they both comprehend the other’s desires, but upon asking them to elucidate, discrepancies surface. If partners genuinely understand the needs and dreams beneath their conflicts, it diminishes anger and judgment, fostering greater respect and appreciation. Consequently, a resolution may not even be needed.

Your final words

Relationships matter, whether in the working environment or in our personal lives. Most of what we can achieve is linked to the quality of our interactions with others. The most successful and happy people are those that have mastered the act of maintaining healthy relationships. This form of relationships requires vulnerability and theskills required to repair disputes amicably. Hence mastering conflicts management and communication is central to our success and happiness, we all should pay attention and seek improvement in this area.