Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

President Tinubu: We Need Equity in EFCC

My people, the land is agog with joy o. Come and see videos of officers in the police, army, customs and everywhere jumping with joy at the appointments emanating from our Oga o. The last time we saw this kind of joy and jubilation and I am sorry to say, was when the news of our maximum ruler, General Sani Abacha’s passing broke. It was as if a huge national yoke had just been lifted.

So far, President Tinubu has done so well and I must commend him for the strategic appointments that he has made. You will agree that the appointments mostly reflect national spread, balances out the issue of religion, but most importantly reflects quality as the appointees all display very strong qualifications and capacity for the assignment.

This now brings me to the knotty issue of the EFCC. The EFCC has moved to the centre of national survival especially if you look at the role corruption has played in our national psyche. Corruption has brought us to our knees with officials stealing with impunity and risking national economic security among others.

Since its establishment, almost all the chairmen and persons of this organisation have been kicked out in disgrace. Even this last one that one had thought would even sit up and do well, is presently explaining some things to the authorities.

The wahala with EFCC is in the process of appointing its leadership. The top position continues to be a “guguru and epa” kind of thing. The chairmen have often been appointed based on selfish and far from sterling reasons and that is why the place is looking like a joke. Did you see the long list of prominent Nigerians who have all been investigated since its establishment but have all ended either in the Senate or have become governors, making the whole process and the organisation begin to look like some comedic apparition.

If President Tinubu is to sustain this momentum, he must, as a matter of national importance, look very critically at the issue of merit, seniority among others in reaching a decision on this matter. Already, dark clouds are beginning to hover as I hear that the person coordinating the institution in the absence of Bawa is a junior officer. Did you guys even know that Bawa was said to be 16th in hierarchy when he was catapulted to the number one seat and see where it got him and the nation. The inexperience was glaring. Kai.

Today, there are people in the system who have been grilled, trained and imbibe the experience needed to better position the organisation as a proper partner to the government of President Tinubu as he struggles to reposition the country.

Mr. President, in reaching your final decision you must continue with this winning streak. You must look at seniority, competence and follow very clearly the guidelines as stated in the act. Finally, and very importantly, you must look within the organisation.

The idea is to rebuild cohesion, streamline it and better position it so that we as a nation would get the best from the organisation not the “Jankara” EFCC that have been busy chasing yahoo boys and developing cold feet when whole warships are being stolen.

Mr. President, look very closely within the ranks of EFCC and you will see the very best staring at you, eagerly awaiting to be a “tiger”- apologies Acting IG. Kai!   

Asari Dokubo’s Repentance

One boy sent me that your video with a lot of expletives. The boy abuse you tire. No name he did not call you and I don’t blame him after saying that “if not because of the British … You would still be selling Igbo people.”

My brother, I just tire for you. The boy abuse you sha. He did not hold back o, from your bele to your big mouth, to your near literate status, and he even query your ability in the other room from the way you sound tired when talking.

When he was through, I asked him if I should send the remarks’ to you or if I should put him on a three-way call so that he tells you all these directly. He dropped the phone and blocked me.

Well for me, I have taken courage from my egbon, the erudite Dr Rueben Abati who carried all of his PhD weight and dumped on you on his weekly column. He was very clinical and not like my friend as he did not use words like “oaf” and the likes but also achieved the same purpose with much more finesse.

My brother, that video and in fact your messaging remains inimical to the continuous unity of the country. It looks like you want to elevate a garage fight with your perceived enemies to a national stage. As I watched you talking about “selling Igbos” and displaying a weapon, I just shook my head. Na this kind thing we dey see for Shomolu when two “alagbara” want to fight. This is not what we should see from someone who just had an audience with the president and was allowed to speak under the Coat of Arms.

Finally, the t-shirt you even wore in the video don weak. Please send me your size, let me get my brother Mudi to sew you something more befitting but on one condition. You know Mudi no dey easy for this Tinubu economy, so for me to carry my house rent give Mudi to sew you cloth, you must renounce aggression, tender an apology to Igbo people for regretting not being able to continue trading in them and finally sign an undertaking that you will join General Abdulsalami, General Gowon’s national peace movement.

My brother, abeg no vex, all that your positioning is just so lame abeg. Na peace and unity dey reign now no be all that agbero things. Repent.

Goodswill Akpabio vs Nyesom Wike – N200m a Widow

See as great men are pushing and tossing a whole N200 million. No be N20,000 o, but a whole N200 million. This Wike is looking like a loose mouth though. Some of the things he says, one wonders how others in his circle talk very freely or take him into confidence.

Once Baba is in the spotlight, he would just open up and sing worse than a canary. Recently, at the thanksgiving organised to thank his God for his successful tenure as Rivers State Governor, a tenure that we all have agreed was the most colourful ever with the last few months turning into a pantomime complete with costumes, band and stand-up comedy.

In the ceremony, he was reported to have said that the newly printed Senate President, my town’s man, Chief Godswill Akpabio gave him N200 million to contest for elections at some point. Mbok, for a man who is still having an open file at the EFCC and not being sure if this new appointment has any immunity, it was like stealing hot akara and throwing it with all of its heat at someone. What do you think that person will do, he will throw it back na.

That is what Akpabio quickly did. He was also reported to have said that the money had nothing to do with my state o but was his savings or something along those lines. Now, to the best of our knowledge, brother Akpabio has been a career politician. Whether he was busy trading in “Igbos” like our brother Dokubo we do not know but his story on the source of the money sent  to brother Wike looks like those stories that the Baba used to tell our children in that popular NTA programme – Tales by Moonlight.

Anyway, it will blow over like most things do in this our clime. The Baba is now Senate President and all of that is in the past because the very tedious task of leading a beleaguered country is now the focus.

For Bro Wike, let him know that with the immunity off, an unbridled tongue may lead to purgatory. My only advice to him at this point is the same advice my papa gave me when I give mama Alvin bele and I go beg am for advice on how to handle Duchess, he removed him glasses, look me and say “my son from now onwards, TALK LESS.” Bro Wike TALK LESS.

Clem Agba, How Do You Feel?

You know one of the most annoying things in this life is finding yourself pushed to the corner and you cannot fight back. This is where Mr. Agba, the immediate past Minister of something, found himself recently.

It has been reported that he had gone on a visit to the highly revered Oba of Benin to ostensibly thank him for the role he played in making him a minister. In the report, he was quoted to have thanked the great Oba for personally intervening which led to the appointment of the very first person from Edo North into the cabinet.

However, in response, the Oba shocked him. He was said to have asked the minister how many times he had seen him since the appointment and to what benefit was the appointment to his people?

If it was possible, I would send the great Oba of Benin a big bowl of afang complete with snails and periwinkle but then we don’t know if the Oba eats that kind thing. I swear that clapback from his Majesty – they say one senior the other- was the best thing to happen to Nigerians in the area of evaluation.

So you become a Minister or Governor or Ambassador or First Lady or first side chick or whatever, the question we will need to ask you after it all, is exactly the question our Oba has asked this person- did you go and represent yourself or did you represent us?

Baba Agba, I am sure will just be on his knees looking like a Sesame Street muppet knowing that any attempt to say the wrong word, he will just turn into a very ugly frog there and then and he would be carried by one palace chief and thrown into the Benin moat.

Thank you so much the great Oba of Benin and may you live long for us and may your reign dwarf the reigns of your ancestors in greatness. God bless you Sir.

Oby Ezekwesili, I Beg to Disagree

Hiding under a faux intellectual pretension, Oby Ezekwesili used to sha jump on issues without having a robust knowledge. This makes her positions always one-sided and parochial. Yes, I don vex.

The Lagos State Government had given enough notice to 17 buildings that had failed the integrity test. The pictures of the houses had been sent out and even where I sit here in Shomolu on my couch, from the pictures it was clear that those buildings had to come down like yesterday.

Lagos is now facing an epidemic of collapsed and collapsing buildings with lives being lost and dislocated. The government obviously does not have enough capacity to tackle this matter in one fell swoop, so it has to go at it strategically one after the other.

They have been demolishing buildings all over Lagos. I know that in Ebute Metta and Lagos Island a lot of buildings have gone down through demolition and when it now reached Alaba International Market, mummy  is now trying to put ethnic sentiments on the matter.

This can be  too annoying abeg. These are the kinds of things that give half-baked politicians like that Obasa person the fuel to try to push us back into the thick forest of ethnic classification with that his “yeye speech” the other day.

Mummy, those buildings had to come down no matter who owned them. The issue had nothing to do with anything other than the fact that they were a threat to public safety and I swear, no warning had to be given because if the building was going to collapse, it would not give any notice. Abi have you seen a building saying to its occupants that – hey, guys, I will collapse next week Sunday at 3pm, so guys be prepared?

Abeg mummy, you need to get better things to do.

A Tiger Has Arrived in Kayode Egbetokun

When he made the remarks, I quickly went to see if he had those Yoruba tribal marks on his face. You know the ones that used to look like something scratched your face. But seriously I think the most beautiful people that I have seen have been people with those tribal marks. The thing used to give them a certain quality, a certain unique exotic mien that it is paining me that the beautiful tradition is dying.

Anyway, my lord said he was feeling like a tiger and cannot wait to devour our enemies. Just as I was about hailing him, he was reported to “clarify” the statement, that what he meant was that he could not wait to start work.

My brother abeg, no need to clarify anything. What we need is more than a tiger o. We need 1,000 tigers inside that police force to solve this wahala o. Ritual killings, insecurity, kidnapping, etc, na baba nla tiger we dey find o. No be timid tiger o like the last oga wey carry bele like wetin I no know.

So Tiger Egbetokun oya roarrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Thank you sir.

Awwal Gambo is Mightily Relieved

This is the kind of thing we say in Shomolu that “fear for catch me.” The news wires were agog with news that the erstwhile Chief of Naval Staff, Vice Admiral Awaal Gambo had refused to hand over until he finishes overseeing the signing of contracts and disbursement of funds to contractors.

My people, you can imagine my relief when I saw another report refuting that and stating that a handover ceremony had been scheduled. I for fear o, I repeat.

You know in Nigeria, there is no smoke without fire and as such one would be very hasty to dismiss this matter. I saw a lot of comments from very concerned Nigerians and the anxiety that this caused is understandable. A country where a snake is chopping money and someone’s daughter, just waking up, calls herself Iya oloja of the federation with full appurtenances of power, it will not now really be out of the ordinary if this baba decides to wait behind to ensure his people get their funds.

But we thank God that this is not the situation. If not, I would have led 200 naked men and women to his office with only me fully clothed with brooms to literally sweep him out of the place. Na wa.