Endless American Wonder

My people, let me give you guys one gist. The American Embassy do me America wonder during the week o. That was how it took us over four years to get an appointment for an interview at their embassy. They had four years ago suddenly revoked my visa, just like that, and asked me to reapply. I just ignored them, dem no know me? I am a titled man from Nsit Ibom in Akwa Ibom State. You cannot just revoke my visa and ask me to reapply like I am one small Labour Party operative.

Anyway, that was how four years later and after a lot of pressure from Duchess, including effective sanctions – suspension from the other room and a possible invite by the DSS, I carried my big head go join queue at Walter Carrington.

The whole idea of the queue has never sat down well with me o. Three queues o, we just stand there like zombies, clutching documents and looking very humbled. Their Nigerian staff were all looking and feeling like ‘something’. People that my driver earn pass o, come dey do like Abacha. Stand here, sit here, show me your death certificate and all. We all stand and sit and move like zombies. Come and see Nigerians as we mellow. Nobody is shouting o, no struggle o, nothing, everybody is respecting themselves, laugh nearly kill me.

Na drop box we dey do before o, so this idea of queuing was kinda strange to me. I am happy I witnessed it because it showed me how Nigerians were zombified, all because they want to enter America and from there heaven.

Anyway, it was my turn. We were 80 in the room and we could all hear the derogatory questions they were asking everybody. “Why do you want to travel, is your father a monogamist, have you been imprisoned before and are you circumcised?As I stood there, I called one of the Nigerian guards and announced that I was the Duke of Shomolu and a member of the ruling party who voted for Sanwo-Olu and as such demanded to be given VIP treatment instead of standing in a queue for two hours. The man just looked at me and sent me to the most wicked official o.

One ‘small’ girl o wey no reach my receptionist. “How many wives do you have?” I look the girl with shock, my sister, what have my wives got to do with this matter? She asked again, by this time, she don dey do face like say she is getting irritated. “Sir, how many wives do you have?” I said three. “Where are they?” One is beside me, one has died and one is in Shomolu. The way she did her face I knew that na only Jesus of Gethsemane go fit intervene in this matter.

From there na downhill o. “Why were you revoked?” I said I don’t know. I have been to the US so many times in my life, even pissed in the toilet near Madison Square Garden and went to a strip bar and touched some things in Baltimore. So the revocation is still like looking for what sank the Titanic in my head.

All these one no concern Ms. Piggy. The next thing, “I am sorry, you do not qualify to enter the US.” She dropped one blue letter for my hand and turned her back and walk away.

I stand there- me? Duke of Shomolu? Conqueror of Osa? Main customer of Juliet Hotel in Shomolu and the first Akwa Ibom man to drink hot and cold water at the Ikogosi Warm Springs in Ekiti, na him this girl do like this?

My shame was not even the refusal but how I will turn and face the other 79 Nigerians in the room who were already seeing me as a prominent member of the ruling party and Sanwo-Olu voter.

Anyway, we walked out o straight to Senator Florence Giwa’s restaurant to go and drown my anger in a well-cooked bowl of afang. Me? Na them go beg me to come that their America, enough. I no do again.