Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

President Tinubu: Should I Apologise to Buhari?

If we continue at this rate, we may begin to hear chants of “bring back our Buhari.” Much as we do not expect the economy to bounce back overnight, we had hoped that a much more “civilised” way of handling the other business of the government would be brought to bear.

Shebi they have said Baba was very sophisticated, having worked for Mobil and had turned Lagos into Eldorado, appointing the first “Igbo” man into his cabinet. My people, what we are seeing here with some of the appointments that have been announced and others that have been in speculation is making the Buhari ethno-nepotistic era look like something from Gulliver’s Travels – Lilliputian endeavours.

If reports of the appointment of the about 40 aides are to be believed then, let’s just say that we are in the era of the “Oyo Mesi.” Let us kuku just change our name from Nigeria to Oduduwa Kingdom. I have seen plenty lists and as I looked and compared and averaged out, especially the list of Advisers and Aides, everything na Akin, Demola, Segun, Olu, Tunde and Sasegbon.

My people, I strained my eyes to see if I will even see one Akwa Ibom eunuch, I no see o. I no really see o. As I looked closely at the list, I began to have the very strong urge to call Buhari and tender a heartfelt apology because it is looking like, “him just dey learn work” with what we are seeing.

My candid advice on this matter, is for Daddy to cut the pretence and kuku just change the National Anthem to – Abeokuta and while still at it, change APC to egbe omo Oduduwa and appoint Kwam I special representative to the United Nations with carried interest to Buckingham Palace, and ordain Amala national food to be served at all state functions. I just tire. Why we can no longer produce expansive and courageous leaders anymore beats me. I swear, I just tire.

A Honey Pot of Mischief

So, Baba looking at his dwindling honey pot now decides to beef up. He carries his brown cap to the next Alajo and says, “Give me some money and I will pay you back. I swear I will pay you as soon as I finish building my ‘dundun’ factory.” The Alajo looks at him and with so much hesitation, releases the funds.

Baba is happy and immediately diverts the funds. He marries a new wife and begins to collect chieftaincy titles from all over the place. Now it is time to pay back and he runs to his very brilliant but bald-headed friend with this “problem.” “Guy, I no get this money o, how we go do am?” The brilliant friend says, “Do not worry. Let us ‘attack’ them.”

So, Baba goes to his creditors, “See, that money you gave me was not complete and truly, I have forgotten the terms you gave and even if I remember, I think the rates were funny abeg. I just didn’t want to complain at that point, because I had a small boil in my bum that I was treating, so now let’s look at the whole thing again abeg,” he tells the Alajo.

Confusion ensues and wahala bursts. Alajo Shomolu starts to fret. “What kind of wahala is this?” He looks straight at Baba Oshodi and says, “Alagba, the money is not my own like you know. I collect this Ajo from lowly people and keep them safe for their rainy day. I only gave you this money because I saw you as a respectable chief. With what you are saying now, how will I face the people whose life savings I have given you?”

Chief Aburo Emilokan, pushing his cap to one side, stands up and straightens his agbada and with much aplomb announces, “Look, I am off to Ijebu to see if they will give me another title because I just heard that there is vacancy and cannot relate with this for now. When I get back, I will tell you if I will pay back and at what rate I will pay back.”

Alajo jumps up and screams “agberoooooo!!!!! Orunmila will pursue you and Sango will strike you if you treat people’s life savings with such impunity.”

He runs into his room and brings out a calabash with fire, pours spit inside and the flames glow and screams into it –   “aghhhhhhhh!!!!! Baba Orisa, come down, Baba Orishaaaaaa, come down, come and help deliver me from this honey-filled bandit.”

Chief Aburo Emilokan, not perturbed, walks straight to the pot of fire in the middle of the room still in flames and pulls down his pants and wees on the flame, extinguishing it with the first wave of pee. Then puts on his pants and looks very confidently at Baba Alajo and says, “I have told you when I come back from Ijebu we will discuss and if you cannot wait, do your worst.”

Baba Alajo cannot believe his eyes as he watches Chief swagger out of his hut and his compound to the waiting arms of his latest wives and a retinue of chiefs sent from the Oba’s palace to ensure his safe journey to Ijebu.

Baba Alajo takes the matter to the court of the highest Baale in Ipetu Ijesha for resolution. The fight is tough and strenuous, finally the Baale rules in favour of the creditor, but Baba ignores the ruling and looks straight into the Baale’s eyes and spits on him.

Baba Alajo calls a meeting of his contributors to report the matter. They agree to fight for their rights, legally. While the creditors are looking for what next to do, Baba has gone ahead to sell his biggest barn with the healthiest yam in the whole of the local area and moves the proceeds to purchase the biggest barn with cocoa. Kai! “Cocoa!” they all screamed. “But what is wrong with this Baba? What he is owing us is so little compared to the amount he sold, why can’t he just pay us?” they bemused.

 So, they rush to the old owners of the cocoa barn and lament – “Please, do not sell to Baba, he has been owing us for over 10 years and has carried our money to marry new wives and now we can no longer feed our families.”

The old owners look into the matter and come back, “We are so sorry my people, it is not Baba that bought our barn o. It was his son and daughter. In fact, there is nothing like Baba in this transaction.”

Kai! It’s frustrating. The creditors have nothing but tears and regrets for dealing with an elder that they expected so much from. As they walk back to their huts in despair, they come across a huge party, it is Baba with all the kings of the land celebrating his children on their new acquisition.

“The gods must be crazy for allowing this,” the creditors say to themselves in bowed heads and in frustration. All they wanted to do was to gather money to better their lots, save for the rainy days and use the money to help and support themselves. Now this Chief Aburo Emilokan has now come in one fell swoop to collect all of their monies and have refused to pay while marrying wives and acquiring assets under their very eyes.

They go to their different huts and in tears lament their situation. At the time of writing the story, we can still hear a lot of tears and wailing coming from their huts, even as the music and dancing continues in the not too far distance.

The gods have really gone crazy, I tell you.

Abdulaziz Yari: Much Ado About Fear

When I first saw the report that Oga was arrested because he allegedly refused to pick up Oga at the Top’s phone, I panicked. I immediately ran into the toilet to pee before I wet my pants. We are now in banana republic o! I screamed o. This is making Emperor Bokassa and Idi Amin look like altar boys o. Aghhhhhhh! I screamed and started shaking.

Luckily, the next report I now saw was that of the DSS refuting that report but stating on their own that “Senator Yari knows why” he was pulled in.

Now even though this gave me a small respite, the rest of the DSS report that I read did not go as far as helping me resolve the fear. Now, they allegedly went on in that report, stressing how people want to scatter the country with rumours and bad bele, begged us to respect their Oga and family who have really suffered with all the attacks, and as usual, ended by saying that they maintained the resolve to perform their constitutional role as prescribed.

My people, you will all agree that the DSS level of efficiency has ramped up in this era. They are now so operationally efficient that their rating is almost surpassing that of the American FBI. They are now the security agency of choice for everything from the biggest threat to national security to side chick beating up madam. I really do not have a problem with all this efficiency as long as basic rights are being protected and the integrity of due process is safe-guarded. They can come and help collect my tenant rent.

The freedom as guaranteed in the constitution must be upheld in this democracy. People must be free to take positions and as long as they are legal, should not be harassed whether they take calls or not. That is my own.

As for Senator Yari, you sef get problem. There is no smoke without fire. What kind of phone are you using sef, that person will be calling you and you will not be picking? Was your phone on silent or what? Please employ a youth corper that will be holding the phone so that when it rings, he will pick and say, “Your Excellency, Senator just finally got it up after 12 attempts at trying, so he is busy in the other room. I will have him call you back, if it is not an emergency”.  Tolerance, guys. Tolerance is the watchword. Thank you.

Senator Gbenga Daniel: A Good Man by Half

During the week, a letter purportedly written by the great senator, Gbenga Daniel to his state governor was circulating.

So my egbon waited until he became a senator and saw his offer letter before remembering to ask them to stop paying his over N600,000 pension per month as former Governor of Ogun State? You see, this kind of thing is enough to annoy a very hungry and angry man in Shomolu. What kind of surface “good deed” is that one?

If he truly wants to be contrite, he should have refunded all the ones he had taken since he left government and asked that it be donated to some widows or other such terribly positioned individuals or groups within his state.

So, asking his state to stop paying him is not only annoying but a very lazy play at populism in the face of public outcry on the wages and entitlement of public officers in an environment of crazy hardship.

Please Senator Daniel, if good Samaritan is “hungrying” you, then donate all future earnings at the Senate to 12 widows in your local government, refund all your salaries and entitlements to 42 orphans in your senatorial district and commit just 10% of your dividends from all of your investments to the blind in Ogun State, then we will know that we are looking at a goodman and we will likewise submit your name to the Pope for Sainthood.

Till then, abeg withdraw that letter and continue in your role as best as you can. We like you like that. Leave all these philanthropy things. E no fit you.

Demola Oshodi: A Good Man in Babylon

As I scoured the list of aides, I was looking for three names – Tunde Rahman, Tope Fasua and Demola Oshodi, all Yoruba men. These were my candidates and this was to also show my nationalistic bent. I was not routing for any Akwa Ibom man just because na my brother, but the value that I know that these three will bring to the table.

Anyway, I got two out of three as I no see Tope Fasua name. For me, that was a big miss by the Tinubu administration because Tope would have brought in a lot of weight. Anyway, make he wait for Supreme Court, miracle can happen and Obi go appoint am.

My brothers Tunde and Demola make am. I congratulate Tunde, but today is for Demola. Demola is a quiet, long-serving highly cerebral operative within the Asiwaju’s think tank. I am seriously drawn towards him because of his outlook towards the issues that beset this country. Demola is very clear as to where we should be as a country economically. He has said as much, delivered very critical position papers and has been very integral within the Asiwaju framework all of these years.

He has been long-suffering – if you want to call it that – because unlike his colleagues, he has not been thrown into any serious position or portfolio, and when I asked him, he would just smile and say, “Duke, that is not my priority for now.” Finally, he has landed as Special Assistant for Protocol and the whole of Shomolu has been agog with celebrations. Fuji music has been renting the air and lager flowing with this appointment. Congratulations Demola, well done. This is well deserved.

Simon Ekpa: What Manner of a Man

Please who has this person’s phone number. Kindly send it to me. I want to have a serious man-to-man conversation with him. I hear he is the one ordering the sit-at-home that is systematically destroying the economy of the South-east. The other day, I saw a video where some people were being killed simply because they had defied the order and had come out to fend for themselves. I really do not understand how you would kill a woman who is struggling as a petty trader or an “okada” man who will starve if he sits at home.

If it is true that this Simon person is behind all of this as asserted by Ohanaeze Ndigbo in their press release, then it must really be sad. I hear he is sitting in faraway Finland and giving these orders. Please my brother, if all these are true, kindly see the folly of this action. You can achieve whatever you intend to achieve through other peaceful means – you can push for a referendum, invite Tinubu to a boxing match such that if you win, your people would be allowed. Abi?

But pushing for this, which is strangulating the people, is really not the best way to run. Kindly reconsider your position and bow to the superior logic of peaceful struggle.

What are you really even struggling for? Are we not all suffering in this country? Please hearken to the voice of reason and stop this crap. Can someone send me his phone number? Mbok. But don’t give him my own o. I don’t have power for his wahala. I just want to send him a text, if he go calm down abeg.  Na wa.

Kola Adeshina: The Board Chairman

As a young man, I used to play all over Shomolu and would go to a beer parlour to listen to Ebenezer Obey. I used to be crazy about Obey then and I would go to Esan-ogbogun Street and just sit by the gutter and listen to Obey song – Board Member.

Kai, I swear that song was what came into my mind when fellow Shomolu man, the great Kola Adeshina was announced during the week as Chairman at the huge Axa Mansard Insurance Company. This appointment goes ahead to further validate Kola’s position as a major player in the economy.

A National Award holder, Kola is today Nigeria’s main man in power. He is also the Chairman of Egbin Power, a power-generating firm and Chairman of Ikeja Electric, amongst other such strategic positions in the economy. His contributions to public discourse in these areas continue to reverberate worldwide and it is no wonder that Axa after looking around settled for him as their new chairman.

Congratulations Egbon even as I wish you a great tenure. Well done.

Lion-hearted Odion Aleobua

Let me quickly say this about my brother, Odion. He is lion-hearted. This October, he will host over 3,000 delegates in the second series of his Insurance meets IT platform.

This Odion really get mind o. In this environment where the dollar has beaten naira to a pulp, he is now putting together West Africa’s biggest insurance trade show with over 50 speakers and 20 demos, complete with a massive masterclass.

According to him, this second edition will be looking at how to unlock policy and tech bottlenecks to ensure “disruptive Insurance penetration.” As we get closer, I will be giving you guys more details. But let me just state that it is people like this that we rely on to rebuild this country economically and this is why he must be celebrated and encouraged.

Well done.