Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

President Tinubu:  It’s About Fiscal Responsibility

I have seen reports quoting the indecisive President of the Nigerian Labour Congress (NLC), Joe Ajaero, that our President now lives in a two-bedroom apartment as part of his very desirous efforts at reducing the cost of governance.

Nothing is funnier than this statement if true. Before nko, how many rooms can he possibly sleep in? It is no wonder that my brother, the very influential Rufai Oseni, took him to the cleaners on his TV programme on the same issue. Confronted with this statement, Rufai quipped,  “Can’t we see the huge mansion just down the road?”

My people, I am getting tired of railing against this Tinubu government. People have started accusing me of having personal beef against the man and what he stands for, but he himself is not helping the matter. His government is looking like a government of anything goes. See the size of his cabinet with special advisers, both teams crossing the 80-man mark, and on taxpayers?

So, coming to say that he lives in a “face me, I face you,” if we are to believe Mr. Ajaero, is just a funny attempt at making a mockery of our suffering as a result of his so-called ‘reforms.’

The point, Mr. President, is not how many rooms you live or in how many toilets are in that room if at all, but in holding down government financial excesses, sending down a strong sense of fiscal responsibility from your end and immediately pushing out policies that will quickly ameliorate the sufferings of the masses.

You cannot just continue to fold your hands and watch very strong waves of economic suffering buffet the people with inflation heading to historic proportions and respond with, “I live in two rooms.” Who cares?

Festus Keyamo’s Crocodile Tears

I watched Mr. Keyamo humbled as the senator railed and shouted at him. The distinguished senator wanted his confirmation stepped down, at least momentarily, citing Keyamo’s arrogant relationship with the chamber in his last turn as Minister of State.

Me, I don know say na gra gra and as usual, nothing will come out of the distinguished senator’s grandstanding but that few minutes of discomfort leading to our oga’s apology was more than enough for me.

You see the fault is not theirs – all these “cucumbers” who are regaling us with this pantomime they have called confirmation – but that of the youths, who lined up to contest for the Presidency knowing full well that they cannot win 12 votes in their favourite brothels. I had screamed during the elections, that instead of rushing to collect forms in “no name parties” in a very stupid attempt to run for the Presidency, that we should instead pursue the National Assembly. Fill up the place with right thinking and visionary youths and grab the oversight functions of the place.

Imagine, Sowore as a senator or Okonkwo or Farotimi as senators, then you will now imagine just how real Keyamo’s tears would have been.

As that senator was reeling from his annoyance, Keyamo would just be standing there and waiting for him to finish, knowing that “na sorry go end the whole thing” and true true, “na sorry end am.”

The arrogance, the snub, the wanton disrespect of the second arm of the government as shown by this nominee in the past including series of tongue lashing and name-calling and not to even mention the unresolved issue that led to the grandstanding and the wastefulness of the policy all ended in that one phrase, “I am sorry, forgive me,” and he took a bow and went home to his banga soup at our expense. Nigeria is a Nollywood script; I swear and a very badly written one at that.

Okonjo-Iweala: A Distinguished Personality

Kai! Immediately Dr. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala left Aso Rock, she had not even reached her hotel room to settle down, when a Nigerian appointed himself her press secretary and issued a press release on her behalf. In the release, she was quoted as lamenting as to why she was receiving death threats and abuse when all she was trying to do was to bring in international support for the President. She went on to tell us that she had lost count of all the international leaders that have called her to congratulate the President on his recent victory at the polls and that by year end, she will be coming back with so many international companies who cannot wait to set up factories in Nigeria.

This went viral and captured our imaginations for some very specific reasons. One, this was a Nigerian of international stature and credibility who was holding a very powerful and influential globally sanctioned office. Secondly, the whole world knows her stance when it comes to corruption and all that and thirdly, she was recently criticised for “ignoring” Tinubu at an international event at the very early stages of this administration.

So, this visit needed to be “properly” situated and that is why she was helped with that press release which was further pushed to every nook and cranny. I received it over 50 times on my phone.

But I get sense. As I read it, the words didn’t align. They were too pedestrian and didn’t sound like words that you could tie to such a distinguished personality. So, when the rebuttal came out, some of us were not totally surprised.

This is how you push, when you lack majority support and you begin to build a government without the necessary credibility needed to carry Nigerians along. But let’s leave that and look at the smartness of the act.

Nigerians are the most brilliant people anywhere in the world, I swear. Person sit down, craft such a wonderful letter, even better than all the presidential spokesmen would do, and strategically pushes it out and in minutes, it has touched millions? Na wa. Fear who no fear Nigerians, I swear. Kai!

Private Education is Organised Crime

While not complaining about the increase in school fees from N1.1m to N1.590m per term – try comparing with how much Cosharis is selling spare parts now – I received a chat from my son’s teacher.

Alvin is weak in mathematics. I say I know, na family trait. My papa fail mathematics, me I fail mathematics so it’s ok, no need for DNA. He continued, when he comes back, we would have to give him special attention. I said, God bless you. Then he dropped the clinger, “it will cost you some extra money.” I lost it. I said, “Your papa, after paying N700,000 for an exam fee that cannot be more than N200,000, and then paying another N1.5m as school fees, I should now come and transfer another money to you to teach my son maths for night. Maths wey na family trait to fail?”

When I calmed down, I sent out a broadcast saying that private education was organised crime and started receiving feedback from Nigerians that feel scammed by these high paying schools whose students will never emerge tops at exams or even be “Governor of Lagos for one day,” a position reserved for the very brightest.

As I was reading, my very beautiful in-law and an avid fan, Rita – remember I quoted her last week and also quoting her again this week – sent in the WAEC result from St. Gregory’s College. I asked myself how many millions did this parent pay to get this kind of result where A1 was all over the place. Meanwhile I am there paying millions and being asked to still send “Akpabio’s token for the holidays” to complement efforts.

You see, the problem in our education is plenty and there is no time and space in this column to write it all. Anybody that just wants to hear the whole story, should contact me, send me money to get Senator Ita Giwa’s Afang and also Yemi Shodimu’s palm wine to go with it, then I will settle down and explain to you the challenges of private education in Nigeria and also tell you my proffered solution. Five of my children are in the matter- three have escaped and two are still trapped inside it so I am an expert.

For now, let me just leave it with – private education in Nigeria, na organised crime. Thank you, come and beat me.

Maryam Shetty: It is Well

Abi what else can we say about this kind thing that befell this very beautiful woman. Prior to this, I have never heard of her but I suppose the people who nominated her must have seen some value initially, hence her nomination.

The next thing I am seeing is a post with her in her car on the way to the confirmation and her reaching the venue looking very sweet and delectable only to be told that she was being replaced. If na me, the whole National Assembly would have seen my nakedness that day. I would have stripped, ran to Akpabio’s office, torn his shirt and run to Gbaja too and stripped him so that the two of us could pose nude and be smiling.

But the elegant Maryam, not having Shomolu blood in her, just turned around, entered her car and drove straight to the nearest spa for a long warm bath in milky luxury. After which she now issued a statement, leaving all to the Most High as they normally do.

Na next week, she will go and attack whoever is the cause of this her embarrassment. It is not now. You people don’t know women o, especially strategic ones like this Maryam, I have one as an in-law. She is taking her time, watching the person or people, collecting her facts and planning her movement. You people have not heard of the rage of a woman scorned. All these calm statements, na lie o. Na to distract and make you unaware. She will surely strike and when she does, I will really pity the targets.

So for now, I say “sorry my sister, these things happen especially in such a confused and headless system.” Please when you want to take your revenge, let me know so I cancel all travel plans. It is well.

Akan Udofia is Still Hopeful

Akan carried the hopes of Akwa Ibom especially the youths and those who were tired of the rudderless leadership that has pervaded the state since its inception.

My state remains one of the backwaters of development in the country despite our plenty resources, both human and material. The only industry thriving in Akwa Ibom is Church. After the state government, the church is the next in terms of employment and revenue generation. The fear of the average Akwa Ibom man of witches and wizards fuelling the growth of these churches who end up milking and even worsening the cases of the people.

So, Akan came in with a breath of fresh air with energy and the vibrancy that was unequalled and unrivalled amongst the lineup. As Nigeria thing dey be, the weakest of all has emerged governor and Akan has headed to the courts.

From what I hear, he stands a very bright chance of upturning the incumbent’s victory and if this happens, then history would have been made and Akwa Ibom would be the very first state in the country in this dispensation to be rescued from the manacles of incompetence.

We are all in prayers and I know the God that we serve will give us victory. Thank you.

Babajide Sanwo-Olu: Ikeja GRA Has Been Destroyed

This one is not your fault, Your Excellency, as this destruction had commenced long before you finished secondary school. Ikeja GRA used to be paradise, with a beautiful road network, huge colonial mansions with huge green lawns. It was a safe haven of beauty and lushness. Those days, it was Nigeria Airways, Lagos State Government and Nigeria Air Force with the federal government that owned property which housed their officials, including the expatriate community.

Today, the place has been turned into an alley of short time hotels masquerading as five-star. Every street you will see all sorts of hotels from the very huge international franchises to Idowu’s pay per hour place. In addition, you will also see banks, lounges, mechanics, eateries, brothels and a motley of very ugly developments masking as overpriced but very tacky real estate operations.

Isaac John Street is an eye sore. Littered with all sorts of commercial ventures and literally taken over by prostitutes at night. Oduduwa Street is like a bomb site with uncompleted road works, excavated earth and monstrosities that pervade the street like concrete zombies.

At one huge roundabout from the road that leads from Bank Anthony Way through Nitel, you will see one huge night club at the corner piece and you begin to wonder just what madness this is all about.

The difference between Ikeja GRA and Ajegunle today, is the pricing of what it has to offer. But the confusion and the tactlessness and the rubbish it connotes remain the same just that Ikeja is way too expensive in comparison.

I really do not know how Mr. Governor can stop this carnage and give us back our Ikeja GRA but one sure way is for him to stop all pending approvals and hold it down for at least another four years so we can breathe.