Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR
Godswill Akpabio: It’s Time to Say Goodbye
Let me be very frontal this time around. I think the Senate Presidency of Mr. Godswill Akpabio should be called to an end. This particular tenure has been nothing but lame in its representative capacity, stuttering in providing the much-needed counterbalance in its relations with the executive and very challenging in its moral quotient.
The man himself has shown a huge lack of visionary insights, gross insensitivity to the plight of Nigerians and a lack of tact especially in his utterances and relations with his colleagues, all leading to the seemingly adjudged worse Senate class since the coming of this variant of democracy.
Watching Senator Ndume speak the other day, the fiasco of the confirmations of ministers, the purchase of SUVs at such astronomical costs, and the reported utterance that they didn’t cause the economic problems in the country and as such do not need to reduce its running costs and all the other intransigence not to talk of the moral baggage of having an EFCC hammer hanging as could be seen in the “worthy” example the new EFCC chairman gave, it has now come to the realisation of Nigerians that the Senate, as presently constituted, especially its leadership, has become a major problem for Nigerians.
With the kind of executive that we have today, our only hope for minimal respite would have been a concise and infallible National Assembly but what we have today, is a “paddy paddy” National Assembly that is beginning to look worse than a rubber stamp chamber filled with “paddies” instead of morally gifted people who would stand up to any executive mischief.
We remember the time of Bukola Saraki and the headache he gave the long gone Buhari “regime.” For Saraki, this was not an anything goes regime, but a principled one that gave fire for fire. The same cannot be said of Akpabio’s. It has been one gaffe or the other, showing a huge lack of capacity to play its constitutional role.
This is not to say that we do not have astute and courageous people inside there o, but when the leadership is controlled with people running with anti-Nigerian vibes, what you get is the kind of shutdown Senator Ndume got recently.
My people, it’s time to really call Mr. Akpabio to order and stringently ask that he steps down as a first step to building a constitutionally prescribed Senate that would really provide the necessary bulwark against an executive that is behaving like an Army of occupation. Na wa.
Babachir Lawal: Fire in the Grasslands
Baba has vexed o. He fired very stringently at “Bola,” claiming that he came a distant third in the last elections. Then one Felix now responded to him, saying he was distant from reality or something, forgetting that Baba had said that he was only waiting for the rainy season to be over before he had your time. Instead of this Felix to wait for another rainy season for Baba to be distracted, he now went to fire. Kai, mbok, Baba finished him o. I have never seen that kind of yabis o.
He went straight to the Bible as a fire-spitting Christian to bring out his ancestor who was a slave to the king’s mother and tied it up to present-day Felix of the APC. He said he pitied him o for being given the job that his masters would not do.
Kai, if I were Felix, I would not only sue but wait for Baba at his farm and throw devil beans on him with NTA cameras in full glare recording so that he will strip naked and be dancing as he is itching for all 30 million of their famed viewers to see.
Baba was really crazy in his response o. Even fine bobo Cardoso got his own o. He said a little known chairman of a small bank huddled in the South-south and South-west has been made Governor of a whole CBN. Mbok, our Cardoso oo, our champion banker that we all have been hailing, na him Baba finish like this o.
This is the most profound and decidedly robust attack on the Tinubu machinery since they emerged and behaved like an army of occupation. This Baba was really vexed o, he scattered and broke all tables, calling the APC a Muslim party appointing people with no interest in Nigeria but enjoying their office with impunity.
Baba, please in your next epistle, kindly let us have your thoughts on the following people – Festus Keyamo, Reno Omokiri and Wike. I cannot wait o, your mouth is bad. Worse than my own. Kai!
Uju Kennedy-Ohannenye: Let’s Sue ‘All the UN’
As I watched this one, the first thing that came to my mind was “Where did they go and pick this one from again o?” She wants to sue “all the UNs” for, according to her, collecting monies on behalf of Nigerians and not telling us what they use the money to do amongst other heinous crimes the UN must have committed.
This near-illiterate submission has been largely ignored by all including skit makers who I had thought would have turned this into major content for yabis. Mummy sat in the press conference, struggling to put two correct English words together as she created a skit that would finally kick Patience Jonathan’s “There is God o” skit off the evergreen skits of all time list.
Mummy, the UN cannot be sued. If you have not read the charter or have read it and do not have the cognitive sense to understand what it says, I am sure you have lawyers in your ministry who can explain it to you. The UN cannot be sued. A few who have tried did not succeed because it has immunity, so instead of trying to play to this gallery, go and sit down and think of more credible and responsive ways of performing the duties that have been assigned to you.
No be this one, wey you come siddon in front of camera and be talking “icheokwu” English all over the place dey distract us. I tire.
Nyesom Wike as Chef-in-Chief
Not sure I have written about this. If I have not, then I am getting old and should start thinking about retiring from this satire work. Wike cooking and inviting so many people in the kitchen to watch him. The first time this came out, it was El-Rufai that I think was invited, and then the second one, Bukola Saraki.
Now the question is that in getting the ingredients ready, is he the one that pounds it in the mortar or is he the one that removes the scale in the fish or his real chef would have done all that and when the thing is on the fire, oga will now come with his long throat friends and be stirring the thing and be tasting the soup for the cameras?
This politician is not only colourful but also a character. The way he generates these skits makes us momentarily forget our issues in the country and just laugh. Imagine a politician of his stature cooking in the kitchen with very important politicians watching him and salivating and stretching their necks to look into the pot while he is there without an apron, stirring and tasting the soup.
What is remaining is for Chief Wike to go and be the celebrity guest in Maggi kitchen, abi what else remain? Na wa.
Elisha Abbo: Make up Your Mind
One moment it is Senator Akpabio who caused your dismissal from the Senate, the next moment it is not him because he has sworn on his mother’s grave. Since when has someone’s mother’s grave been the barometer to gauge a lie? See, when they used to catch us with women, it was our mothers grave we used to swear on. Abi, will you swear on Sopona or Orunmila whose punishment is instant? Your mother will know you are lying na, she will just smile and continue with whatever it is that she is doing in heaven or wherever she is.
Because oga swore on his late mother’s grave, you self walk away and called a press conference and said, “Ohh, I believe him.” How naïve. You just start.
Well, sha to me, this na good riddance because honest to God, some of us did not even feel any impact beyond the sex toy thingy and the bold resistance you offered the matriarch of the Nlnation, Senator Tinubu who was asking you to keep quiet “we are trying to help you.”
My advice is for you to either join an NGO or set up yours if you do not already have one and preach safe sex to our youths. I think you will be more effective there than a senator of this our Federal Republic. Na advice o, no vex. Thanks.
Femi Falana: Not Good Enough
Coming out to shout that the helmsmen of EFCC and ICPC cannot come from the same region is a little bit too late. The damage done to the Federal Character principle by these appointments by your brother will take years to unravel.
Your egbon – we don’t even know who is older sef with all these Chicago things – has gone at the Federal Character principle with so much impunity that one is even beginning to suspect that the controversy of his origins should be expanded from iragbiji to maybe Guinea Conakry because, me, I cannot believe that any true-blooded Nigerian will make these kinds of appointments where the main qualification you need for a federal appointment is being Yoruba, or better still, a Lagos-based Yoruba person.
These things happen very easily when strong voices like yours have suddenly gone really quiet like a maiden that has suddenly been disvirgined by the head servant in her father’s house. Why are we not in court, why are we not on the streets protesting against all of these, why are we not shouting? Why are we suddenly very silent on these things that are happening that are so wrong, or is it because we are…
Na your brother Professor Soyinka that said, the man in him dies ….. I no talk again before na lawsuit I go see. I have not eaten in days, talk less of looking for money to pay a lawyer because one Ekiti man don vex. I keep quiet. Thank you.
The Kidnap of General Richard Duru
Isn’t it sad that a recently retired General of the great Nigerian Army has been kidnapped and the whole of that part of the country where this happened has not turned to Gaza by now? Three weeks ago, we got a news report that the likeable general was seized by kidnappers in Imo while driving alone in his Benz Jeep. Till the time of writing, I have not seen or heard of any report that he has been released.
A strong member of our Alumni and a dedicated Nigerian patriot who has contributed very immensely to the Nigerian project, this matter should be very well engaged.
Every morning, someone in the alumni will ask, any news on Senior Duru and what can we do and another person will say shut up, he is a retired General, and the Army will rescue him.
Please, the Chief of Defence Staff, General Musa and Chief of Army Staff, General Lagbaja, if General Duru has not been released, can you kindly stop every other thing you are doing and make this a priority? Push the full weight of the Nigerian Army into this mission so that it will send a strong signal to the kidnappers and their colleagues that some places are sacred.
I am willing to lead the mission although from a control room in Shomolu where I will be directing the drones and your soldiers to the rescue. Please take this very seriously. Thank you.
Moyo Lawal’s Courage Through Fire
We all saw the sex tape and some of us did some unprintable things while watching. Moyo went under fire and for 24 hours, she was the most vilified Nigerian. She even toppled Tinubu as the most talked about and insulted Nigerian alive for those hours.
I reached out. She is my friend and said to her, “Stand firm, don’t bow your head and remain sprite, you are my friend and nothing like a yeye sex tape will stop you from being very special not just to me but to millions of Nigerians.”
She took my advice and kept her head still. Released a statement detailing what transpired thereby dousing the flames. During the week, Moyo released another statement where she categorically stated “I have only made love twice this year with one being this infamous one.” Such a bold statement. If I make that kind statement, na Ogun dem go use flog me for Lagos.
Anyways, she has gone through the valley of the shadow of death and like the sexy peacock that she is, has come out strong and the better for it. There is nothing to be forgiven because she didn’t do anything wrong by giving her trust to a leper.
Well done my sister, you remain the apple of our eyes, keep shining.
Babatunde Macalabi: Taking Nigeria to the World
My egbon Tunde has had a vision. His vision is to take our SMEs which employ over 80% of our people to the world. If you connect to the need to shore up our forex inflows, you will begin to understand his passion for this matter.
Recently, he took Nigeria to the world on the back of the UNGA where he gave a platform to several of Nigeria’s SMEs to showcase their goods and services. He was supported by some very strong organisations like the Diaspora Commission, MTN, First Bank, and the NEPC, among others.
The event was widely reported in both local and international media with participants recording very huge successes in securing trade partnerships amongst others.
Well done my egbon, you remain a leading light. God bless.
