Loud Whispers  with JOSEPH EDGAR

Asari Dokubo: Crocodile Tears of Inconsistency

I happen to really like this person. Not for his politics but for his looks. He looks very cuddly and sweet like a teddy bear. His rosy cheeks and portly round belly remind me so much of my father after bouts of Afang at the end of the day.

Anyways, during the week, we were inundated with a video where he was railing at Sheik Gumi who just likes to rattle our feathers anytime he is bored.

Apparently, that one with his silver beards, had in his usual style dropped some meaningless rants. He was reported to have asked for Wike’s resignation, stating, according to the report, that as a Christian he was not qualified to hold the position at the FCT. He was also quoted as saying so many things that didn’t really make sense to me.

Asari in anger threw away his well-documented “hatred” for Wike and jumped at this man who wears clothes that look like “he no dey see iron.” In anger, Asari also forgot his much vaunted support for his President and started pouring hot water on that one o.Me just dey look in amusement. This is what you get when you play politics of “anywhere bele face.” No ideology or guiding principle as you engage. So, you are either driven by the stomach or emotions. In this case, my brother has let emotions drive him as he rails on his oga’s history-making appointments amongst others.

The one that I will beg Bro Asari to let go is the one that he was doubting the Holocaust. Me I am not there o, I did not even hear o. Someone should go and show Alfa Asari the movie ‘Raid on Entebbe,’ where Israel entered a country in the night and freed their people. If they come for Asari, no be that him army wey dey for creek that will defend him o. Shey, you know that the Nigerian Army has not been able to free General Duru from kidnappers, so no be Israeli army they will come and repel when they appear in Nembe in search of you o.

My brother, let us be abusing Sheik Gumi and leave holocaust o. This is genuine advice o. Thank you.

Olisa Agbakoba’s Supreme Concerns

By the time you all read this column, the Supreme Court would have delivered its ruling on the appeal by the “terrible duo” Atiku and Peter Obi. Well for me, the confidence that the ruling will be above board is really not there and I am sure a lot of Nigerians feel this way.

Before writing this piece, I went to Olisa Agbakoba’s interview on his thoughts on the integrity of the apex court and felt so sad. In very carefully chosen words, he made his doubts about the sanctity of decisions coming out of that place known. He said, in the past, we felt very cocksure that decisions were well thought out and could stand the sanctity of any rigorous test. But today and according to him, some decisions that have come out of that place have been “ridiculous”. He cited the cases of the Senate President and the Imo state one, all leading to the growing voices querying the system where seven people will have a final say in everything that concerns us.

My people, this Supreme Court of fire, have started to tire Nigerians. Before, when they talk of the Supreme Court, people will be fearing but now, it is just looking like one kind.

Let me not talk too much before they will leave Olisa and come for me. You know those kinds of people like to go to the weakest link to show power. But before I run to Uyo to hide, let me just say one thing – history is a very strict and finite judge. Its ruling will eventually come, so my brothers of the bench – abi what do they call Supreme Court own – before you dust up your heavy black gowns and wear your wigs, remember that history will not be kind to you if you pervert justice.

For Femi Olaleye, It’sAnother Sad Song

My brother, the very brilliant Dr. Femi Olaleye has bagged for himself two life sentences for inappropriate sexual dealings involving a minor and patients under his care. As I watched him walk from the court in a white apparel and in handcuffs, I bowed my head in tears.

He is my friend and I will not deny that he had plans of opening micro health facilities all over the place and we walked together on the plan. I even visited him at home many times in the course of the project.

Then all these stories started coming out and he moved on. Those crimes he has been accused of committing and have been found guilty are some of the most heinous crimes that could be committed in these times. Taking advantage of a minor under your care, especially one with a biological relationship with your spouse? It’s almost unforgivable that even beginning to ask for clemency is looking very heavy in my mouth.

But I usually do not know how to join the mob in stoning an already defeated horse and in that vein, I want to very humbly and meekly seek some form of …. Fear is even catching me to say it.

Dr Olaleye is a very brilliant medical doctor who has done a lot of work in the area of cervical cancer. Granted, he is a mad man with a mental problem, bothering on sexual perversion as this court ruling has defined, I still would like to — kai…. Fear is catching me o ….. but you people know what I am trying to say ooo…….

Even on Whatsapp, the mere mention of his name, come and see the way, women came at me o – Edgar, you should not even be seen to be standing on that side of the street….. and this is my fear in asking for what I am about to ask for….

Let me just leave it like this. Another very sad song. Pitiable and sad. A brilliant man has fallen because of a lack of control of his impulses. Lesson!!!

Sunday Karumi: Putting a Face on it

My dear brother, you see there are some assignments they will give you and you will tell who sent you, “please sir, don’t vex , can I excuse myself from this one?” Judges do it a lot, they recuse themselves. You see how many have done the same with this Atiku and Tinubu matter, but you, with no strategic intent, just jumped into the matter and made yourself public enemy number 3, after Tinubu and your brother Akpabio.

I have never seen such a lack of “public sense” as shown by you in the reports that have come out. So according to the reports, it is far better to buy sturdy cars rather than ensure and insist that the roads are built well? Where did you even go to school, because I am beginning to doubt it. I do not think any well-read person can come out in the midst of public anger to “vomit” such annoyingly insensitive talk in the midst of the economic crises we find ourselves in.

Mbok, what is even the work of senators o that we have to spend this humongous sum in providing them with cars that is making this one to come out and be spitting bile in his attempt to explain the unexplainable.

Please can his constituency help us start the journey of reclaiming our country by starting a recall process for this one. This baba has shown very clearly that “he no dey see road,” I tell you. Kai, incorrigible conscionability as Chief Eleyinmi of the rested Village Headmaster would have said. Na wa.

Godswill Akpabio: I am Pro Nigeria and Not Anti-Akpabio

Following my tirade last week on these pages, I got a call from Mr. Akpabio’s media aide. Now I get these kinds of calls most times I “attack” their principals. When I hail their baba, nobody calls me to give me afang o, but when I punch, they will be calling with all sorts of dribbles.

Let me say it here very quickly that Ekweremadu and Amaechi have reserved the very best in media aides that I have encountered. Those ones will come at you with facts and the discussions will be robust and encouraging. But the Ogun State Publicity Secretary of APC, na alawada. That one came shouting with abuse and insults. Small he would have invited me to Sagamu to a duel complete with juju and all. No name he didn’t call me. I just laughed and said to myself, see media aide. Na wa.

The worst so far is this Akpabio own. He called me and the first thing was  “Bro, where are you from?” I humoured him, “Akwa Ibom,” and he goes, “What part?” and I said Nsit Ibom and he told me his village is near my own and then drops the historical vacuous statement: “Why do you want to pull your brother? We are together na, we should work together to help him succeed.”

I could not even laugh. I told him very clearly that I don’t roll that way o. Even if Akpabio and I shared the same breast milk, I will still shout at the pantomime that is going on. The man is simply bereft of what it takes to be a Senate President, lacking in depth and clarity as to his role in a structure that is expected to have been enshrined with a separation of powers.

So, coming at me with the tribal mantra is not only annoying but lacking in respect of my person and what I stand for. It can never be about tribe but about what is right and wrong and as at today o- Akpabio is very wrong in that role in the way he has carried on since he emerged.

So, my brother now offered to go tell Mr. Akpabio that his “brother is the one that is trying to pull him down, because he had spoiled my business when he was Governor.” I almost laughed, imagine. Me that did not even step into Akwa Ibom the whole eight years of his uncommon administration.

Politics of prebendalism is our bane. The material pursuit of individual well-being as against the pursuit of the common good. Mr. Media aide, please, if you cannot tell your principal what we discussed in my real words, let me come and tell him myself, pata pata he will beat me na? Abi.

Prof Ali Pate: My Real Worry

You see, these forex crises are really annoying and scary. But it appears that we have not been able to dimension its true and wholesale effect especially as it affects health care delivery.

The biting effect especially in securing forex to import the necessary drugs is now impacting very aggressively in not only cost of health care delivery but also in cost of drugs. Let me give you one small example: that was how I had my usual eye infection. My doctors would be saying it is eye infection but my brother Lami said it is juices that pour out and enter my eyes during activities that cannot be mentioned in a family column read nationwide.

Anyways, the infection came back and my eyes were red and blurry as usual. I cannot see the afang I am eating, talk less of a buxom light skinned damsel walking past the road. So, I called my usually very brilliant eye doctor and she recommended the usual eye drops. I rushed down Lagos and could not find the eye drop to no avail. Then I called her and she said, “it’s in our clinic, come tomorrow for it,” and I said how much and she said, “it’s just N2,500,” and I said ok.

But she said, “you have to take something this night so it doesn’t get worse by morning,” and since I need my eyes to screen Tinibu’s transcripts, I sent my driver out. My people the next thing I saw was alert- N12,000. I thought the man had stolen my money and screamed at him. He replied, “Oga, this is the third place and cheapest. The rest is N13,000.”

I immediately called the eye doctor and said, shouldn’t I just risk it till morning na, I will watch porn till morning so I don’t have to close my eyes. She replied, “Edgar buy it quickly.” I just got a call from the clinic that it is N15,000. Aghhhhhhhhh.

My people, me, my driver and the eye doctor are ready to come to the senate whenever they resume from VIO where they went to inspect their new jeeps to testify on this matter.

Mr. Health Minister people are dying o. Helppppp.

Reno Omokri:  An Ethically-deficient Patriot

Me, I really don’t know when this one converted because I still remember seeing him in a brown coat and dark glasses looking like Johnny Bravo and shouting “Tinubu ole” in front of Chatham House, London.

It is people like Reno that makes me want to write a book and interview Tinubu. How he does it – convert hard opponents to now become his rabid supporter needs to be studied. If Tinubu continues like this, he will be able to turn the Pope into a rabid polygamist o.

Well, that was how Reno – Saul of Tarsus – Omokri now takes a shot at Peter Obi using the legendary actor Mr. Ibu as cannon fodder. Mr. Ibu had sent out a desperate cry for public assistance upon hearing the sad news that his legs could be amputated and instead of Reno to shut up, he was reported to have wondered why Peter Obi hadn’t come to his assistance.

This was ethically low even for him, leveraging on someone’s illness to play naked and vile politics. This Reno continues to play irritating politics which verge on verbal bullying and cyber-attacks – mbok, which other big words can I use?

Anyways, I am not really bothered about him and his ilk since history has a particular dustbin it throws them into. The most important thing is that Mr. Ibu has received respite through Dr Saraki I think, and has gone through two very successful surgeries. That to me is the most important thing and not Reno’s rants. Thank you, you may now come and beat me.