Loud Whispers WITH JOSEPH EDGAR

Dapo Abiodun: Will Apology Be Proper?

A few months ago, I had written on these pages a scathing commentary against Governor Dapo Aboidun on the back of the destruction of Senator Gbenga Daniel’s property (I think the building belongs to his wife). Then the Sagamu mayhem occurred and I tied it and fired some very well aimed missiles which I think didn’t sit well with one “paddy” who threatened me with everything he had.

He sent text messages and said he was the publicity secretary of the APC in Ogun State. He even called me an “Amala journalist” amongst all sorts within the limits of his lexicon. I replied and asked him to come and fight, but as it is wont to be, he ran.

Anyways, that was how I carried myself to Ikenne on a visit to a very inspiring Nigerian who is doing things. He wants to remain anonymous so I will respect his wishes and not mention his name- but his strides in aviation, sports, real estate and the rest will continue to leave me in a gasp. Hiring over 200,000 Nigerians, this bobo is simply something else, especially his legendary penchant of shunning the limelight, adding to his mystique.

My brother, that was how I found myself at the new Ogun State Agro Cargo Airport in shock and amazement. The Commissioner for Works took us round the site and I felt like hugging and really apologising to Prince Dapo Abiodun. Aghhh! Projected to employ over 30,000 Nigerians when it’s completed – they even called it one name o, Aeropole or something like that, meaning that it would have restaurants, office complexes, hotels, shopping malls, etc. In fact, what they told me was that the airport was just 10% of the proposed development.

My people, they took me to the four-kilometre runway and I shouted again. It can carry any size of planes except the airbus which they told me was on its way out. His Excellency Governor Abiodun kept calling my host, he was in a hurry. He had given a deadline for December 2023 and the contractors were working feverishly to meet the deadline.

Already planes have started landing and even the Vice President, Shettima, used the place on a recent visit to the state. I hear it will be the home of Value Jet, Nigeria’s most recent entry into the aviation industry.

Governor Abiodun if only for this one, I say sorry. Don’t vex, it’s the devil that pushed me that time, don’t vex egbon mi.

Joe Ajaero’s Ineffective Leadership

This oga is gradually positioning himself as the worst NLC president in history. His tenure is so ineffective, lacking in cohesion and basically just looking like what in Shomolu we used to call  Otun Obo. Otun Obo are those people who could not play football to save their lives. That is the worst thing that could ever happen to you in Shomolu those days. You will be derided, laughed at and just generally mocked.

This is what Joe is turning out to be- an Otun Obo in the field. Since this regime, it has been one threat or the other of a national strike or something. Shakara everytime o and nothing massively will happen.

This latest one just tire me. The man flew into Imo to receive the beating of his life. The worst beating of any Labour president since 1912, complete with black eye and inability to speak English again as a result of the concussion thrown up by the blows.

The nation was incensed and some of us called for a national blackout until those who were responsible were apprehended and brought to their knees. The NLC called a national strike and rightly so. Yes na, I agree the country has gone to the dogs, but going this low as to brutalise a representative of Nigerian workers was taking the madness too far.

But my ineffective brother as usual bungled the whole thing. Lacking in mobilisation capacity, he called a very ineffective strike. What we in Shomolu call “okobo” — that is eunuch in English — the strike saw only his office and some tiny cubicles in some states go on strike. Even the Imo workers that he was “fighting” for ignored him and went on solidarity march to those who ordered his beating and, in a few hours, they called off the strike.

How this man wants to lead a credible opposition against this occupation force that APC has turned into is what I am wondering o. Nigerians, are you sure this Joe na bazooka so? This na dud missile. Empty.

Fear Femi Fani-Kayode Any Day

In response to the very disgraceful and career ending performance of political pantomime star, Dino Malaye in the last elections, the most caustic mouth in Nigerian politics, Chief Femi Fani-Kayode had this to say:

“Poor Dino, despite all his loud and boastful rantings, puerile noise-making, clownish behaviour, crude bum-fuckery, infantile court jesting, nauseating gorilla-dancing, gratuitous insults, foul-mouthed bluster, tough guy ‘gra -gra’ and area boy antics and in spite of his membership of …. (me I cannot talk this one o), he received the flogging and trouncing of his pitiful life in the Kogi State governorship election.”

Now if this is not wicked, I do not know what else to call it and I do not know how Dino will react to this. Maybe when he is weaned off his inhaler, he will attempt a response but I suspect he will let this one pass, because the performance was well deserving of this FFK attack and even more.

Mbok, what was that Dino? That outing was very amateurish and clownish. No fight at all and all we could now see was you whizzing and fainting and being dragged into a car and given all sorts of first aid treatment for only God knows what.

You must think that the lives of your brother citizens in that leadership challenged state is something you should be joking with. Sad thing is that you would never even allow a serious challenge to emerge from your party on the madness that is Yahaya Bello only for you to now go and dance naked in the marketplace.

My brother, you deserve this FFK missile and more.

Prof Wole Soyinka: A Kongi’s Harvest

Have you guys seen the picture of Kongi without shirt and a very young boy they have said was Gbenga Daniel by his side? That was the peak of his powers, when he held Nigeria down with the power of his intellect and boldness.

Today, in the twilight of his years, we are confronted with a weak Nobel laureate and one that has really lost his bite and firing blank bullets that really do not make any impact on anything.

Kongi’s problem plenty. Apart from the obvious and very inevitable slowdown that comes with age, his confusion as to how to engage this his kinsman in power has further complicated his matter. He finds it very difficult to stare Tinubu in the face and speak truth to that one. Now instead of doing that, he remains deflective, commenting on things that do not make sense to a people who have started eating raw grass to stave off starvation.

Coming out against Buhari’s ban on social media at this time when the economy is reeling, judicial rascality being the other of the day, mayhem in offsite states carrying out elections and general despondency occasioned by a leadership lacking in true legitimacy but backed my legalese is nothing but what I want to call Kongi’s showboating.

My dear Professor, if you cannot face your aburo, Mr. Tinubu and give him the same fire you are known for, then just retire. You deserve a well-rested retirement. You have really tried; you have been a beacon of hope all of these years and we are truly well appreciative of your contributions to socio-political activism.

My great one, let’s just agree that the dusk has come. The sun has set and as such we should recede to the forests of a thousand demons to commune with our gods and other such entities that must have inspired such great scholarly works.

It’s over. The music has stopped playing, retire and just go sir. We are facing true and real danger that can push the country into the precipice if we are not careful and we need leaders in opposition who are not only clear-eyed but also clear-visioned and not compromised by relationships or what not in engaging power very candidly.

With all due respect sir, just go. Thank you.

Nuhu Ribadu’s Lamentation

My brother, this your last statement as reported that you have inherited a bankrupt country was just a dance to the obvious. We already know that nau, and have known that since Buhari’s first term. So rehashing it and telling us is to achieve what exactly?

Maybe the statement is aimed at eliciting pity and understanding from a beleaguered nation or for us to now say- eya, pele just do your best.

My brother, it can never work that way and the reason is very simple. You told us that you were 30 years in preparation, you told us that you knew all the issues and had solutions. In case you have forgotten, we can send to you all the campaign footage including the Emilokun speech in Abeokuta. So, we cannot now turn back and be saying this one na.

The country has been bankrupt for some time now and if there were no preferred solutions, when we carried ourselves to Bourdillon or wherever it was to beg to be led by he whose turn it is, he should have just said, “guys, the case is bad, the country is bankrupt and as such, I cannot deal.” 

Then we would have said, okay sir we know that but we have looked very far and wide and have seen no other person that has the ability to save us. We saw your brilliant performance in the way you tripled revenues at Deloitte and the way you moved Mobil to top global 500 and finally the way you transformed Lagos from a backwater economy into what it is today, so come and do your magic.

At that point, he would now give us a “Non complicit document” for us to sign. The document will state very clearly that it will be at “my very best”, meaning that he would not be held responsible if he doesn’t turn things around and all of us will sign.

But no ooo, that was not what happened o. Shebi you were there when he shouted “emilokan” and if you do not understand the meaning of the word, it is an Ibibio word which means “if I fail, catch me.” So my brother, stop calling Buhari’s name in this matter. Buhari, that one has done his worst and has gone to his cows, it is your turn as proclaimed, just do it. Simple.

Mr. Ibu: The Travails of a Comedian

This man’s problem is not his health challenges but the “useless” people that he has called family. This one has turned his very critical health issues which remain life-threatening to a caricature, distracting the rest of us from the very real threat to his life.

The bickering and the fighting is so much that people seem to have just detached from the whole mess. Now the issue is not the unfortunate incidence of his amputation but now the sordid sexual triangle between them bordering on incest as splashed all over social media, the quarrelsome madness between his wife and “adopted” daughter and the meddlesome interference of so-called social media influencers making the whole thing look like a circus.

The lesson that I have learnt from this is not to get my leg amputated when I have a mad family around me and with access to publicly-donated funds.