Loud Whispers

Abdulrasaq Balogun: A Wonderful Kind of a Man

It was during the heady days of the Sanwo-Olu reelection matter. You all knew where I stood and it didn’t matter that I was an “omo Igbo,” I took sides with the incumbent and received a lot of flak from both sides. Anyways, that was how I was invited to a TV interview at the Lagos television to discuss Sanwo-Olu and why I was standing with him.

That was how I entered the place and sitting beside me was one dark good-looking man with beards like Kenny Rogers. They said he was the Executive Secretary of the Lagos State Security Trust Fund. I just laughed, wondering why them bring “guguru defence” come siddon with me for TV. I will just blow this one off the screen, I said to myself.

My people, by the time this Dr started  to talk, we all opened our mouth o. His eloquence, clarity and data on his fingertips were just too much. The presenter ignored me and faced him squarely. Even me, I started to interview him too. He was so very clear as to his mandate, the need to work very effectively with the police to combat crime was beautifully rendered and he finally killed me when he talked about the invincible security architecture that surrounded Lagos.

After the interview, I walked up to him in humility and begged to be his friend.

During this last week, I had a brief session with him in his office and ohh my God, he blew my mind. The strict corporate governance that pervades this initiative leading to a cashless impact driven partnership with the police? The equipment and other logistics support to the police, a strong private sector partnership leading to the constitution of the Board with very powerful private sector drivers, and the confidence that this has garnered over the years leading to such bumper donor support including the latest N1 billion donated by the very powerful Femi Otedola, all making the LSSTF a super powerful example of a beautiful marriage between government and the private sector for a noteworthy cause.

By the way, na me advice oga to make that donation. Thank you.     

Asue Ighodalo: A Declaration of Weight

“Edgar, you had spoken to me about Asue but listening to him has totally convinced me.” This was my friend Joy all the way from Abuja. I was so proud of her because living in Abuja now is like living in Gaza and despite that, she still had the presence of mind to follow Edo politics as prescribed by me. I replied, “My sister, you get sense.”

It is no longer news that I have declared for Asue Ighodalo and my reasons plenty. He is the first of all the candidates to give me a coke drink. It’s like Asue is a man of conviction, he had known very early that he would need me on this run and for five years every other week, he would either invite me to his office or send me a bottle of coke.

Watching Asue the other day on TV during his declaration was a marvel. He spoke like Obama, he held the audience and understood very clearly what we call “TV blocking” in the Arts. His elocution, clarity and deep passion for Edo shone through. Asue is a total package o, come and see the way he was punching the air with his fist, showing us his bangle, the same bangle I had begged him to give me to no avail.

Seriously, Edo needs a leader with a clear understanding of its issues, a distinct ability to build structures and fuel it with a wide ranging network in delivering relief in key sectors.

You people will be wondering why I am so fixated with his candidacy, apart from the fact that I am an Edo In-law with one of my wives from there – Fugar to be precise — the fact that such a cerebral and tribally-detached individual has decided to come out of his comfort zone to throw in his hat is very exciting and encouraging.

Asue calls himself “AI”- another clever notation and I call him brilliant. Once he wins, I will marry another wife from Edo to consolidate my positioning in the state. Mbok, let the brilliant people lead, abeg. Thank you.

Yemi Cardoso: The Naira, Our Titanic

This latest CBN Governor is on a different trajectory o. In the past few years, we have had very sexy CBN Governors and have come full circle from the very garrulous to the eccentric.

This my brother has been nothing but  inactive. Very far from exciting and with no drama. He just “dey” as we say in Shomolu. I even hear that to convene MPC na war.

The only exciting thing so far is the movement of his banking supervision department back to Lagos. A move that has given Ali Ndume boil in his armpit.

My people, in this forex crisis, I have seen a report from oga governor stating that the naira is still undervalued. Me, I am not an economist but I know when someone is trying to use reverse psychology on us, basically, wanting to use our head. Something that has fallen to N1,700 to the pound in weeks and this one is saying it is still undervalued. Did we appoint you to come and tell us this one? Is it until the thing reaches Zimbabwe proportions before you will know that some sense needs to enter the matter?

The man must have looked at the thing very well and seeing that there is no solution in sight, especially from his angle, he come say the thing is undervalued. Undervalued ko, undervalued ni.

Please, what are the short to midterm solutions to this matter before we start to look at the long term? There has been no emergency stopgap measure to stop the daily fall of the naira which is impacting inflation in such a Malthusian proportion. If it is to come out and say that it is still over valued then anybody, even Portable or Charles Okocha can be CBN governor.

Oga, in case you have not noticed, the naira is sinking. Prices are ballooning, there is nothing like basic healthcare anymore, headache will kill you because of the cost of paracetamol. You cannot for the life of me be saying what you have just said. You cannot because it is even worsening the situation o.

Mr. Cardoso, if you cannot halt this thing, even if it’s temporary, just go. Abeg just go. The solution is not with you or in your monetary policy, the solution is supply. Oga supply o. Someone should give me a blackboard and let me teach this Cardoso basic economics.

Ramp up supply, push policies that will open up solid minerals, gas, agric, in the mid to long term. In the short term, push more diaspora remittance, monetise japa – let people pay to run away – grants, cut cost of governance, shed weight, push government withdrawal from a lot of things, ramp up private participation, beg OPEC to increase our quota, block leakages in the oil sector, encourage the likes of Dangote to build more refineries, beg companies not to go, do any and everything to bring in the dollars, host international sports and entertainment events, World Cup, Grammys anything but don’t just seat down there and be wearing “Bassey Okon” suit and be saying naira is undervalued. Kai.

Betta Edu as the Praying Child

It is now very clear that it was naivety, inexperience and the jumpy nature of this person that was her undoing.

The tomfoolery has continued with many bands crying and supplicating to her God for restitution. This kind of madness has not really happened before in this country. Where a public official has been indicted on allegations of such magnitude and weight, investigations are still ongoing and people are forming different imbecilic bands asking for her reinstatement. They have even formed prayer bands and all sorts of women praying and doing a whole load of crap seeking her reinstatement.

Thankfully, someone must have called her to order and she has released a statement denying her involvement with these praying bands and seeking patience for the investigations to run its course.

That is the way it should be. Let the investigation finish na, for all you know maybe she was even hypnotised while in office and that will give her a strong justification for reinstatement. Abi, she cannot be blamed if she was not with her senses when she signed off a memo for a flight to Kogi, a state with nothing that looks like a modern motor park talk less of a functional airport.

Mbok Betty, make we hear word. You are not the first government official on this pathway nor would you be the last, abeg make we rest. Thank you.

Buhari: Asiwaju Said all That?

You see this Adesina book is a book that I have campaigned very vigorously for us not to read. At Maddtimes, we have caricatured three books that he should have written instead of this attempt at vain glorification of a leader that should be studied by the most brilliant psychologists.

Excerpts from the book that I have seen have continued to regale me with laughter. This one that he just told us of how he mentioned to his principal the defining speech of the epoch as given by President Tinubu made me laugh so hard that I almost choked over the big snail Duchess had put in the last bowl of afang I was eating.

So, Tinubu had given his “olule and emilokan” speech while they were in Spain on one of those meaningless jaunts that characterised the era. To Mr. Adesina, this was an era defining speech and as such it had to be broken down in very simple terms to oga – remember that oga was a strong exponent of ‘I am not aware.’

So, he convened a meeting of eggheads, including the incredibly controversial Tunde and other such big taxpayer funded officials and they all came up with one solution- break it to him gently on the flight home.

You see the kind of people that lead us? A full committee fueled by taxpayers’ money to come up with a very simple solution that my three-year-old would have brought up. Well, Chief Adesina now went to drop the bombshell and oga was reportedly ,according to him, to have just said, “He said all that?” and moved on.

Now, if Adesina does not want to give us a full gist, why bother. After all, we didn’t ask him to write the book na. Which one is all of this “half gist.” I can swear that Buhari could not have just said that and kept quiet. Femi no just want give us the full gist so that it will not spoil launching things. Na wa.

Anyways, this book does not come with an altruistic motive, hence the need for us not to take it too seriously. Mbok, come and buy my book- Anonymous Nipples instead, it makes more sense. Thank you.

Doyin Salami, It Wasn’t Me

Let me quickly give one fast gist. That was how the Nigerian British Chambers asked us to come and pay N10,000 to listen to the very erudite and brilliant Dr. Doyin Salami give the economic outlook for the year 2024.

You see, Dr. Salami and his brother, the jerry-curled Bismarck Rewane have been doing these same things for years. They are the economy’s version of Pentecostal preachers. They will just be talking and talking and mostly theory and price of garri will just be going one side and they will be talking the other side.

Anyways, I asked a very simple question on various WhatsApp groups that I belonged to and “kata kata” burst o. I asked, “Mbok, what would the chief economic adviser to the Buhari administration, which some have judged the worst ever to the economy really have to say less than one year after that madness?”

My people come and see abuse o. “Fans of life” came at me o. But me ke, I cannot run and hide o. I stand. As they abused me, I abused them back. As they shouted, I shouted back. I told them very clearly that even if the NBCC didn’t understand the timing and invited him, he himself should just dodge, at least for now.

Then at midnight, my egbon Femi Awoyemi of Proshare called. Kai, he made me regret the question I had asked Dr Salami. He took me through the “sufferings” of Baba in office. He showed me very clearly how thankless the job was. How ineffective the office was and when I asked why he didn’t resign, he told me things that I cannot say here o, no matter the bowls of afang you throw my way.

That talk messed me up and made me feel like apologising to the erudite Doctor of Economics. Femi did a yeo man’s job in pining my eyes to the hypocrisy of government viz-a-viz listening and working with brilliant technocrats like Dr. Salami.

So, it was a subdued Duke of Shomolu that walked into the session. After all, I had paid, so let me go eat the food and go home. Dr. Salami spoke very brilliantly, complete with graphs and all. He simplified the discussion and gave us very positive peeks into the economy with strong provisos that the government would have to put in place for it to work.

It is no wonder that he is today regarded very highly as an expert on the economy, he really justifies his public perception. The man head hot. I just sat down there staring at the table and wondering when he would finish so we could eat.

Then it happened. At the very last question during the Q an A, one man asked the question “Dr. what justification do you have…….. and ended it with “I didn’t hear you resign…….”

Me just look my brother Taju with a smile and mouthed – No be me. Kai.

Tony Elumelu: The Trillion Naira Man

Some bad bele people will be thinking that I do not like Mr. Elumelu. What is there not to like especially as he had just delivered a N1 trillion capitalisation of his bank, UBA. Mbok, see me, I am a capitalist o, a real dyed in the wool capitalist.

When I saw that report, my love for Mr. Elumelu deepened. The third company to ever do that on the exchange, the best performing banking stock of last year with the share price continuing on that trajectory and crossing the 250% mark and throwing the share price to a brilliant N29?

What is there not to like o? His people accosted me the other day and were calling me names in laughter– Edgar, you are a troublemaker, Edgar, you just like to look for our trouble, what can we do so that you stop fighting me?

With this kind of result, I can even give my late mama to Tony to take as a second wife. This result is worth being effusive about. I am reading the result over and over again and wondering if this is possible.

I called my analysts friends and asked them a simple question, “how una see this UBA result?” And they all marvelled. They talked about innovation, streamlined decision taking, strategic positioning in critical growth sectors and the positioning of a well-grounded management team led by Oliver Alawuba, a quiet but well-grounded operative like I have heard.

When he won’t be inviting me to all the white garment parties, why won’t I be stroking him once in a while. But from these results which impact not only the markets but the economy at large, Mr. Elumelu is beginning to well position himself as a major factor of economic positivism in these times. Africa is truly in your hands bro. Kai!