LOUDWHISPERS WITH JOSEPH EDGAR

Folorunsho Alakija: My Heartfelt Proposal

Let’s start this week on a lighter note. The internet was abuzz recently with claims that Nigeria’s acclaimed richest woman, the ever beautiful and strong woman of God, Folorunsho Alakija, had received about 10,000 proposals from lovelore suitors seeking to replace her beloved husband, Mr. Modupe Alakija, who was reportedly on the way out.

My people, the only thing that the “agbado” economy has yet to hit is laughter. It is still free and social media continues to give us laughter in hefty dosages. That was how early that week, the airwaves were suddenly hit with the news that this wonderful couple were separating. Before you could say  “afang,” the news had gone viral with all sorts of public commentary.

Their status as very wealthy individuals coupled with oga’s sometimes boisterous public imagery, especially the spat at the elitist Ikoyi club which earned him some form of retribution and a picture on the notice board, made this news too compelling to ignore and before you knew it, another post came out: Mrs Alakija receives 10,000 marriage proposals.

My people, with a bag of rice climbing beyond the N80,000 mark and hardship becoming our constant companion, if Mr. Alakija just make mistake like this, we go replace am quick quick.

Mummy, please let me submit my own proposal here and in public before they go and do “mago mago” and ‘disappear’ my proposal. You know this Nigeria; corruption has killed us.

Mummy Alakija, my name is Joseph Edgar popularly known as the Duke of Shomolu. I am a well-known polygamist and heathen. I last attended church when Pastor Odukoya passed. But wait, don’t cancel me out, it is not by this outward showing that you should evaluate me but my inner self.

If given the opportunity, I will write poems for you daily; I will buy Afang for you weekly since I cannot cook it. I will wash your feet every morning and swab it with warm towels. I will learn how to give pedicures and manicures so I can revel your warm lovely feet every other day with pristine attention. I will carry your bags, open the doors for you, and dutifully wait at the reception for you to leave work every day. I will not check your phones and will patiently wait in my corner near the boys’ quarters until summoned.

Mummy, very importantly, I am no longer a member of the Ikoyi Club so fighting there or having my picture on the notice board can never happen. I already have five children so you will not have to bother in that department and lastly, I will love you in a way only an Ibibio man can love a woman.

Please, my number is on the top of the page, just ask your people to call me and I will swim the Lagos Lagoon, crawl in Lagos traffic and rush to be by your side as your most dedicated and ever-loving spouse.

Please Mummy, I really do hope that you are not thinking of settling with Daddy o. Please, do not break my heart o, just consider me even if it’s a marriage of one week so that I will be entitled to at least some form of alimony or is it palimony? Whatever the case is, please do kindly consider my proposal as you will never find a more sincere and loving suitor in this Nigeria. Thank you.  Kai!

pix: Folorunsho Alakija.jpg

Funke Ogeah: Elegance Left the Room

You know, if no be say I am a big sinner, I used to have premonitions. That was how last Saturday, something just prompted me to pick up the phone and call my oga, Chike Ogeah. Chike is the very handsome and very tall head honcho in the firm that runs the presumptuously exquisite Marriott Hotels.

How is madam, I asked. Madam had been ill for a bit — about four years — and I made it a point to ask about her health each time I met or spoke to Oga Chike. Madam had been nice to me, offering me two plates of rice at the only family lunch they invited me to at their very beautiful Ikeja GRA home.

“I am waiting for the call Edgar,” he said. “You know the call; you had received it too.” 

My heart skipped, there was a sense of closure, an admission that he had done his very best and reclined to the wish of the Almighty. I didn’t want to hear o, I had also received the call and still remembered very vividly how I rushed only to be welcomed with Mena’s lifeless but still very beautiful body.

So, I changed the topic and started yabbing Flavour, the very talented musician. We talked for a bit about Flavour but Oga Chike came back to Funke. “Edgar, we have done our best. She has been ill for four years and if she must go, let her go to rest. She has fought the good fight. I just came back from the hospital at 4 am, it’s not been easy.”

This was Saturday and by Sunday, Funke had taken her very elegant leave. If you had met her, you would understand what Shakespeare called elegantly breezy beauty. You will not even believe she was a Yoruba woman o. The way she carried herself like a senior member of the British Royal family. Her carriage, comportment and composure used to make me feel inferior. The way she will do her head and nod it when you greet her, extending a perfectly coiffed manicured hand as you greet, you will just go on one knee and kiss her hand and say “My madam, you are so elegantly beautiful,” and she will say “common “getat” of here this very stubborn Duke of Shomolu.”

Oga Chike is now the newest member of our “gang” — those of us who have lost our wives and I was very very happy to hear that senior member, Pastor Ituah Ighodalo was on hand to provide the very much-needed shoulder to lean on at this very turbulent time for the Ogeah family.

May her elegant soul rest in perfect peace. Kai. Goddd!!!

Yemi Cardoso, It Wasn’t Me

I think a denial is in place right now. Someone pointed out that I was one of Mr Cardoso’s harshest critics joining that very jobless writer who called him and Wale Edun ajebutter economists in a Fadeyi economy.

Let me state here very categorically that I do not know what that person was talking about. I have never and I repeat never – in Donald Trump’s voice – ever critiqued, abused or even doubted Mr. Cardoso’s capacity to perform.

My people, let me tell you people why I am denying myself – $7 billion forex backlog cleared, external reserve reflated to $34 billion, the highest in recent times, foreign portfolio investments rushing back with an oversubscription by over N1.3 trillion at the last treasury bill auction, over N1 trillion in the last OMO auction, the largest sale in four years, naira trading at N1,400 and being projected to increase its value and trade at about N900 to the dollar in the coming days.

Even oil production is up by over 57,000 barrels

My people, anybody that abuses this Cardi B again will have me to contend with o. Kai, my regret now is that when I saw him going to “piss” in the toilet at the Eko Hotel venue during the Herbert Wigwe tribute, I should have hugged him o. But instead, he looked at me as he struggled with his zipper with fear as he recognised the Duke of Shomolu who had called him a little bank chairman with six branches and hurried off.

Me sef, I look am comot face and hissed. Do you blame me? At that time dollar was doing N1,800 and inflation was rushing towards 40%. I hissed o, well sef. If he had greeted me, I for pour am water.

But all that now is in the past. Mbok, Cardi Baba, can I offer you three damsels from Ibeno, my mother’s village in marriage? They will cook afang for you daily, so you can rest from all that stew your people used to eat and will be getting piles. We cannot afford for you to come down with a pile o, this performance must be sustained.

Well done egbon, but we are still watching o, make he no go be the more you look, the less you see kind of thing o. But well done so far. God bless you.

Sowore and Adeyanju:  Nigeria’s Problem Children

You know that saying, trouble dey sleep, yanga go wake am? That was how in a clip, these two well-known troublemakers, after struggling to be called to bar, were walking on their own jeje, passing EFCC head office, and the guards there went to look for trouble.

Two people who were born into trouble and who wake up in the morning asking themselves one salient question – whose trouble will I look for today? You now went to look for their trouble.

You see two people walking with a cameraman in front of your office and common sense no tell you say na trouble dey waka so. Their training did not tell them that they should immediately run into their compound and shut the gates, say these ones na ebola wandering around o.

That was how the security men now accosted them, asking them why they were taking pictures of the building and rightly so. The EFCC is a sensitive institution and as such, you cannot just saunter there and take pictures of the building because you manage to pass exam in old age.

That was how the security men got the abuse of their lives. Those ones now started begging o. Please Oga Sowore go your way o, no vex but na lie, they had fired the hornets’ nest. People that woke up looking for this kind of trouble and you gave them on a platter and they grabbed it.

They will yab, walk away and walk back all this on camera o and at some point, Sowore uttered, “I will even go inside and tell Olu that …” Olu is the EFCC Chairman whom they used to drink pepper soup together in UNILAG abi? Lol.

Kai, trouble unlimited.

Afe Babalola: A Timely Affirmation

The last time I wrote about Baba, I found myself in his office in Ekiti prostrating and being asked to cut my hair and remove my earrings. I received the bollocking of my career and I took it all with humility because it was a huge privilege to be abused and heckled by an iconic figure like Afe Babalola. I come dey use am as a badge of honour because everywhere I went after that time I will be telling people – Baba Afe yab me ooo with pride, kai.

Today, however, I want to be on the same side of the street with the massive legal luminary. During the inauguration of a hospital recently in Ekiti, he was quoted to say that the Governor of Ekiti State, Mr. Biodun Oyebanji was the very best to govern the state and wondered why he didn’t come earlier.

In the reported speech, Baba was said to have lampooned all the others that came before him. I agree with Baba to a large extent on the other past yeo men except for my big brother Kayode Fayemi who in good conscience cannot be lumped with the other “gringos” that Ekiti has had the misfortune of being saddled with as governors.

Mr. Oyebanji, I must tell you, is in a class of his own, I swear. See, I have interacted with many state governors both past and present and you guys must agree that I can talk on the matter. My close interaction with Mr. Oyebanji threw up a huge respect for the man, I swear. A thorough Ekiti man who did “everything” in Ekiti. Schooling, marriage, career and all put him in a very strong position to better understand the challenges and how to push for their solutions.

His humility not blinding him to the need to pull very strong human resources around him.  I have heard stories of how my brother, Niran, was recruited by a consulting firm to run their internal revenue service. Niran used to tell me how “he did not know anybody” and how he was not a politician but was recruited strictly by merit and how when he started performing, Mr. Oyebanji would work into his office and say thank you to him.

In tourism, healthcare, infrastructure and the rest, the man is trying, doing things with his N6 billion monthly FAAC allocation that my other afang eating and happy hour punching brother and oga with his N26 billion monthly FAAC cannot do.

Aghhhh!!! I agree with Baba Afe on this one o, especially as you guys know that Baba at his age is not one for frivolity. I totally agree and do send my very strong commendations to Mr. Oyebanji. Thank you.

Ahmad Gumi: A Worrisome Panacea to Banditry

It’s like this Baba has immunity. The type even our President does not have. He is an authority when it comes to banditry and has positioned himself as the bridge between us and those ones. His comments used to give me goose pimples and make me fear, I swear.

He says that the bandits are just dislocated Nigerians and as such we should negotiate with them, give them what they want and everything will be ok. Kai, how can someone say this with his mouth? I weak o. In that case, the over 80% of us who are threading below the poverty line, should carry guns na so that the government will come and negotiate with us. Abi?

Mbok, don’t let me talk too much on this matter because, as you see me so, I don’t have the power to be carried anywhere where I will not see afang or woman. So let me just mind my business and be ‘wakaing on my own o.’ Na wa.

Ebenezer Onyeagwu: A Fine Gentleman

I have received with mixed feelings the recent announcement of the retirement of this perfect gentleman and banker. I had hoped that he would do a second term or something, but unfortunately, that has not been the case.

Ebenezer remains one of the most cerebral bankers that have held the mantle in this industry. His calm disposition and cerebral outlook marked him out as a different kind of banker. His bent towards technology led Zenith Bank to be sector leaders in the application of technology in their processes which impacted very seriously on its bottom line.

Its headline sponsorship of the massive tech conference used to bring together geeks who remain the arrowhead of the economic renaissance of this country.

Only a bank like Zenith could have identified very early the huge capacity embedded in Ebenezer’s head very early and corralled it into the powerful leadership force it became, making him impact very powerfully not only on their bank but the economy generally.

My brother, when you are ready, we will do afang at Senator Ita-Giwa’s place. You may come with Dr Fasoranti and the new MD. Kai, did you see her photo? I keep quiet o.