Loud Whispers With JOSEPH EDGAR

Dere Otubu: A Man in White

I have always wanted to write something about this gentleman. What a lot of people do not know about him is his rich pedigree. By rich I do not mean money oooo. The man comes from a line of very strong people who have contributed significantly to this country. His father was a retired Permanent Secretary with the Ministry of Defence and was the pioneer Chairman of Zenith Bank.

Dere on his own has done a lot, especially in insurance, banking and now power. He is the Chairman of one of the biggest power distribution companies and during the week, the place ran into stormy waters.

One moment, they were sacking their managing director, the ever so beautiful Dr. Sanda who happens to be one of my most precious friends, and the next moment another circular emerged saying that – no oooo ignore that first one o, she is still the managing director.

Now boardroom squalls are a part of Corporate Nigeria. But they are usually very turbulent, risking jobs and impacting society very negatively. So, when this erupted, I feared because apart from any other thing, I have very good friends on either side of the table.

So, I first reached out to Dr Sanda who did not take my calls and then I reached out to Dere who I last saw at Amaju’s house and he explained to me very carefully the issue.

Well, he spoke very eloquently and since the wahala is still unfolding, I am afraid to divulge here because by the time you read this on Sunday, other things go don happen and you people will start calling me “olofofo.”

So let me just state it in Queen’s English that gleaning from my very instructive discussions with the Chairman of EKEDC at 6am that morning, every decision taken prior to my discussions was in line with the NERC which is their regulator’s guidelines. Furthermore, I also learnt that a replacement from within the system was immediately appointed to avoid a vacuum and that  “discussions at the Board level were still being held to ensure that an amicable resolution is”.

Kai, chief press secretary work is hungering me o, see as I just craft this statement within minutes and I have not even eaten o.

Well, whatever the case is, I have tremendous confidence in Mr. Otubu and his ability to steer the ship of this EKEDC aright.

You may be wondering what is concerning me in this matter. Well, me don see opportunity to reduce my power bill na. Do you think after all this support, I will be paying the kind of bill una dey pay? Siddon there. Kai.     

Abu Suleiman: Breaking Table

The only thing I can tell this young and very good-looking Managing Director of Sterling Bank Plc is that if he continues like this, his colleagues will soon beat him. I swear. If that statement credited to him is really true, then there is no way that his colleagues will not send someone to knock him out or even look for his nudes to release.

Kai, the man reportedly said that, if you perform within the rules of the games, there is no way you can be a billionaire as a banker. Kai, this kind of statement is blinding, especially now that the banker billionaires are all over social media, flaunting their wealth.

Today, we have more billionaires in the banking field than in any other sector in an economy where all major players in the real sector are declaring monumental losses, and here is one of them who happens to wear only one shoe and trekking to meetings saying what is openly the truth.

Abu has always been a rebel of sorts. All you have to do is listen to him speak, and one thing I like about him is the way he protects his job by not being afraid to lose it. The man is fulfilled and has enough capacity and unlike most of his colleagues, really does not give a rat’s ass – pardon my French – about keeping a job if it does not provide for him a vehicle to achieve his goals for society.

This thing that Abu has said will continue to gnaw at the conscience of those who have become Forbes billionaires in a sector that was designed to be noble and to serve.

My brother, well done my brother. God bless you.

The Woman in Bobrisky

Major wahala o. A popular cross-dresser was recently announced as the best dressed female at a gathering and all hell broke loose. You can imagine how women in the gathering would have felt that after the usual hours of preparation, it is now a man/woman that was announced best dressed.

As expected, social media went into a frenzy with beautiful actress Dayo Amusa leading the push and fellow ‘mad’ man, Portable even composing a song. Bobrisky, not one to run away from controversy, chimed in: “The sisterhood must accept me…”  he reportedly said.

Now for me, this throws up very serious issues that we must confront as a society. Yes, there is the law against same-sex relations and all that and we remain a society that largely has refused to catch on with the rest of the world in this matter. Bobrisky, however, throws up an entirely different challenge on the spectrum.

The man says he has gone through a sex change, that he is now a full woman with all the physical accoutrements of a woman. He even goes as far as flaunting some of these things on the media for us to see.

I have met her before and hugged her and I must say she feels and touches like a woman. In fact, she looks more like a woman than some of these our women sef.

So legally, is he entitled to be seen, called and rated as a man? Do our laws accommodate a sex change the way we can change our nationality? How does the law engage someone like this who has had a sex change and technically, if he goes into bed with a man, is that truly a same-sex relationship?

These are the real questions we need to answer both at the level of authority and as a society. Bobrisky’s case from what I have learnt has moved away from the normal crossdresser which is a man dressing like a woman to a man who says he is now a woman

Me thinks that the federal government should set up a panel to look into this matter very seriously and give it its recommendations on how to go about it because you see 11 female bank MDs. Me sef dey consider this sex change thing o. Being a man don dey tire me. Kai.

Binance Official’s Escape

You know I first thought it was fake news. Abi how can someone in detention in Abuja escape? If you know Abuja very well, you will know the distance between where they would have kept him at the airport and how long it will take to check in, board, go through customs, immigration and the usual flight routine – telling you where to jump out from in case of a landing on the sea and all that.

My people, there was enough time to catch the “oyibo” who very unlike me would not have known the terrain to run and hide. His trajectory from his detention point to take-off would have been straighter than a dove’s flight.

But our people as usual do their normal incompetence and allow the man to run just like that o. If you see how this thing is paining me, you will not be laughing at me.

It’s just good that I am not President Tinubu because if I were ehn. Nothing is stopping me from driving straight to that guardroom and slapping people. I will even slap that NSA, I tell you o. I will line him up and call all the TV stations and media and slap him in front of them all. And if any media house no get fuel to come, I will send them the recording. Kai.

What kind of bumbling rubbish is this na? Even the Binance now have the temerity to issue a statement that it is the safety of their staff that they are after.

You see, the Binance people lost my support when the Naira started strengthening immediately after they were captured. That was it for me and I supported the federal government fully on their arrest. I was even about to ask that they arrest everybody in their company including the tea girls.

How can that their yeye company come and undermine our economy, throwing people into hardship and in some cases, untimely deaths all because some t-shirt, ugly-looking nerds are playing games on their system.

Please Mr. NSA I don forget your name again, abi Nuhu Ribadu, try and catch those people back o. Do everything within your powers to catch them o and that one that is remaining, guard him well o.

The one that I will not forgive you is if by now you have not gotten their passwords o. If you have not, please come and carry Duchess because she is an expert in bursting passwords. Let her also come and contribute her own quota to national development, it is not only my phone that she will be bursting my password. She can also deploy her skills and burst their passwords o.

Mr. Ribadu better go and catch those people o or else… Thank you.

Prophet Odumeje: Kindly Accept Our Appreciation

I think Mr Cardoso needs to quickly send a letter of gratitude to this very great prophet. Taking the credit for the recent strengthening of the naira when it was actually the Prophet who released just one of his many powers to decimate the dollar is just so fraudulent.

I have never known Mr. Cardoso not to be a man of integrity. So, it was the prophet that did it, and look at Mr. Cardoso, preening in front of the cameras as if he even knew anything about the dollar decimation.

It was prophet o. His followers had complained to him that their contributions were dwindling because of the economic hardship that was occasioned by the forex crises. So, the prophet decided to do something about it.

We all know that the prophet has so many powers. He has the one that can give someone’s wife bele from a distance. I swear if your wife is in the diaspora and cannot take in, he will just release “sempatrime” and that’s it. So, he decided to release just one – Abushakar. This one is a very violent one and this one attacked the dollar, and that was it.

Now instead of Cardoso to go and thank him, so that he can continue the good works, he now went on TV to claim glory. You see why I don’t like this Cardoso again.

What if the prophet vexes now and makes the naira fall to N5,000 to one dollar, will Cardoso even be able to afford the suit he is wearing all over the place?

Please, my dear prophet, do not mind all these suit-wearing people, we Nigerians truly know the role you played in the issue and we truly really do say thank you. We are making arrangements to send one virgin from each state to you in full appreciation, and while you are still at it sir, can you please help us with one power for fuel price and also for corruption?

I swear if you do this ehn…

Leno Adesanya: A New Turn

Please, come and hear new one o. In papers said to be tendered in the ongoing trial of former Minister of Power, Olu Agunloye, we have been shown text messages said to be between Mr. Adesanya and the then minister – I have forgotten his name too – allegedly trying to induce him with not only money but with women.

Women? Kai. You see why I cannot be a minister or president sef. Imagine me, the Duke of Shomolu as Minister of Power and they send me pictures of women that I should choose one or even two and sign contracts.

I will first charge my phone very well, dismiss all my staff, lock the door well and settle down and say, “oga do you have the big ones, light-skinned with gap tooth? Send like six. Let me choose two first.” Then he will send like 12 and I will now choose one and now say kai, you have weakened me o….

Na wa o. You cannot blame me o. Even Samson in the bible na woman kill am. The only man wey resist woman na Joseph who resisted Potiphar’s wife and turned to big mumu in my books o.

If this story is true, then Mr. Adesanya and his type should not come near me o as I am moving towards the Senate and possibly Senate Presidency – if Akpabio no go let them blacklist Akwa Ibom people from the seat, the way he is going.  If our detractors will be sending me these kinds of pictures especially if they send nude -arghhh, I will just sign a padded budget without reading o.

You people can be laughing at me, na your business. It is good for a man to know his weakness and be very open with it so that people will know how to get him.

Mbok, my weakness, let me state it openly now and you don’t have to wait for me to be minister or senator to start tempting me, please start now. My weakness is voluptuous women, preferably light-skinned, with big eyes and of any height. They don’t need to know how to cook, we will buy food. They should just know what to do in the other room.

My people, if you send to me, the Mambilla power plant can go to Cameroon for all I care, mbok, start sending pictures o. Kai.

Kola Adeshina:  A Man of All Times

Well, the President has just announced a new Economic Team and of all the names, one name stood out for me. Kola Adeshina has been a major force in very strategic sectors of the economy – power, oil and gas, insurance and all. It is to his great achievement that he has been nominated to this very distinguished gathering where we hope deliberations will lead to finding lasting solutions to our economic problems in Nigeria.

Kola more than deserves a seat on the table because of his more than clear understanding of our challenges and also his practical experience in running structures under the hardships that entrepreneurs and industrialists all face.

If you listen to him speak on the challenges of the power sector, you will understand why he is on that committee. His elocution, diction and pure understanding of what needs to be done cannot be in any doubt So, I will not wish him congratulations because na war we dey face now. My advice to him is to go there and continue to be that bold and principled person who speaks truth to power, and please tell your colleagues that it is not photo ops that we sent them to go and do o.

We don’t want to see any pictures on social media or anywhere, just maintain focus and do the job. Thank you and God bless.