Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

It started like a rumour on Wednesday, then it was denied. But in the early hours of Thursday, it was confirmed to be shockingly true. By this time we got more clarity on this sad occurrence. Mr. Junior Pope is or was a very influential member of the Nollywood crowd. He shot a video while on a rickety canoe to a supposed film shoot. In the video, the handsome man was crying out to the “captain” to “slow down this thing o,” that he had three sons and he must see them grow. As the canoe continued its journey into the darkness and with bumps from the waves, he shouted, “Abeg o, na only me  dem born o-” alluding to his being an only child and then concluded with “You guys see the risk we take to entertain Nigerians.”

This is the only fact that I am very sure of as I write. After that, it went balloo balloo – confusion, madness, illiteracy and all took over. Different stories, different clips, disparaging commentary, swearing, abuses, calls for arrests and all that have greeted this very sad and tragic story that one can only just sit still in anger and wonder – who do us like this?Ok, wait let me try and piece together what I have heard and read before I pass my commentary. The cast and crew were going for a film shoot and had to take a boat ride. They jumped on the boat without any clue as to the safety guidelines- no life jackets and even shooting a video on the risky ride. The boat capsized and they fell into the river. The bodies were retrieved and rushed straight to the morgue where they were rejected especially that of Pope who was said to still be alive and then three trips to three different hospitals with no oxygen as reported, and no attempt at CPR or anything of the sort, the body is rushed back to the riverfront for “rituals to bring am back” and from there you can imagine what would have happened.

My people, the stupidity of it all is quite amazing. The wondrous buffoonery of all involved from the film producers to the cast who jumped on such a canoe, to the crowd that carried them on the worthless journey, and finally to the buffoons who rushed them in their car even while filming on the riverside, and finally the chief priest who tried to “bring him back to life.”

God! What is this, please? What is all of this madness? This boy didn’t have to die. The madness of the people killed him. We are all quick to blame the government for our misfortunes but the government clearly had no role in this, rather the sheer savagery of the mob.

Kai, this boy just died like that. Sad and very painful. Really, really sad. Kai.

Paul Onwuanibe – A Fight Without ‘Tomatoes’

I swear nothing beats education and when you add debonair intelligence, then you are looking at Paul Onwuanibe. The man woke up one morning to see a clear instruction that he should vacate his $200million facility in seven days. Kai, in a retort that I have seen, he reportedly said: “I cannot even vacate my bedroom in seven days.”

Well, my own is to look at how he has responded with class and dignity, unlike his “tomatoes” kinsman who has recorded his name in the book of international infamy by the way he has gone after his “reviewer.” I hear Amnesty International has once again asked that he pull back. He has been profiled by CNN, Daily Mail and other such international media outlets and his dogged pursuit of this case has put him in a place where he is “using his own hands to destroy all he has worked for.”

In contrast, see how Paul has fought his case with class. Using facts and figures, he has thrown public support his way. In videos, interviews and strategic use of modern-day PR moves, he has thrown the job losses, the amount invested, the number of firms tied to the space and the years it took them to reach this point as savoury weapons to push back the bulldozers.

The one that really got me was alluding to the fact that his facility was the main destination point of the world renowned “Detty December” end-of-year entertainment spree that has turned Lagos into one of the hottest spots in the world every December. This, my people, is a fact and if you see the figures in terms of international human traffic into Lagos and its attendant inflow of forex, you will bow.

Then he slams it in an interview with Rotus of ARISE TV, “We receive 20,000 visitors daily and at N2,500 per person, do the maths.”

You see that his strategy is not combative or aggressive. He is not staring at the bull in the face and waving a red flag, he is gradually and surely calming the bull and moving it towards a negotiation table. He is acknowledging the bull’s power superiority but also saying, if you kill me, it will affect the manure you sef need to remain healthy.

Thankfully, I hear his strategy is working as the government reportedly is open to discussions.

Now compare him with the “tomatoes” villain – I will die instead of leaving this girl. This girl cannot come and scatter everything I have worked for, my enemies sent this girl. Police lock her up and throw the keys into the River Niger. Nigerians my tomatoes are sweet o, I swear check it, there is no sugar. If this girl wins this case, I will run naked from River Niger to the Mambilla plateau. You see as my head big like this, it is suffering, so this girl cannot come and break palm kernel on it.

This baba needs to attend my Masterclass in strategic thinking. Wait, I cannot have him as a student with that kind of temper before I say something now and the next thing, I will see myself inside plane in the middle of the night heading towards a dingy cell in Abuja.

Fidelis Anosike and Nick Okoye, come and carry your brother o before he “carry” tomato paste rub all over him body.

Atiku vs Tinubu: A Road Less Travelled

Baba has come back and Nigeria must shake. E be say like daddy will just go and relax in the beautiful dunes of Dubai and when he is bored, he will fly down and start rustling things. The man is obviously in retirement but will not let us rest. As far as he is concerned, we are now his playthings – those things that retirees use to stave off old-age boredom.

While his mates are busy in nursing homes playing Scrabble and other such board games, baddy is shuttling between Dubai and Abuja in an expensive game that is no longer funny.

But do we even blame him when these ones are behaving as if they bought all 200 million of us from a slave market in Timbuktu? This Lagos-Calabar road ehn, the things we have heard are just making us shake our heads. If some of these things we are hearing are true, then Tinubu should kuku just put us in chains and change our dress code to those things dem Kunta Kinte used to wear in that film ‘Roots’ and send all of us to boot camp as slaves.

E come be like say we are mumu sha. First, we heard it was PP, then it turned to government funding. Then they chose one company with no open bidding, then the figures began to look like the calculator could not carry it all. When Atiku people asked about the figures, Mr. Umahi said we should wait for him to come to Lagos three days before he releases the figure since Atiku did not pass maths in whatever exam he did to gain employment in the customs.

My people, I think they should just declare us a country of “dumb slaves” and save us the expense and stress of this pretentious democracy. It is just a bloody waste of time. Let us just all agree that we are in one big barracks and have all been turned into zombies, I swear.

This Lagos-Calabar Road? Na real “Ebu” wonder, I swear. What is Ebu Wonder, you ask? Please go to Ebu in Delta State that is where we have Ebu Wonder. Go and ask them abeg and leave me here o. I am looking for who will buy me since we are all now slaves. Na wa.

Adebayo Adelabu: A Funny Kind of Minister

This is one Minister that I used to sha ignore. He will be wearing a cap like one going to one huge Owambe at the famous Island Club with chubby fine boy cheeks that shows that this one na “aje butter.” He showed his aje butter status the other day when he was explaining to us how to save power costs in these trying times.

He sat behind plenty microphones and was gesticulating on how we should “off our freezers.” His solution to this wahala is for us to be “offing our freezers” and to show that he had done his research very well. “Some of you, when you go to work, you will leave the freezers on and the thing will be chopping light,” – my words. Then the clip I saw concluded with the admonition, “Some of you go abroad abi…”

If not that the man looks like one man that used to like to spray my late wife Mena at owambe parties, I would have really yabbed him. But since I like him and the fact that the man that he looks like used to really spray Mena to the point that we used to get our house rent, just by my wife dancing to KSA’s “ma fo wo ko be yen,” I will only advise him and not yab him.

A minister of the Federal Republic of Nigeria and a member of the Federal Executive Council in trying to justify the humongous increase in tariffs should not be bothering himself with freezers, fridges and condoms- yes o, if we allow it, they will soon tell us that the heat that condoms generate during action is also “chopping light.”

But instead, he should tell us about the cost of infrastructural deficit, the effect of Forex on components, the cost of distribution since we hear that generation is not the problem, and also very importantly the huge public and private sector debts being owed to the industry and its crippling effects.

Even though we will not agree, it is still more ministerial to toe that path instead of coming down to the kitchen and telling the Duchess to regulate the use of blenders and other such appliances.

By the way, Hon Minister, what of security lights nko? What should we do with that one, and also let me just tell you very clearly that the AC in the maid’s room must also be permanently switched on. Don’t worry we will pay. Not a problem.

Betta Edu: Better Not Do

Today it seems like PR is the overriding theme. This very beautiful former minister seems to be riding very strong PR strategies on her way back into reckoning. Not sure if she is the one orchestrating it or if it is her people or just Nigerians who love her.

Intermittently, you will see write-ups or fixtures saying she has been cleared, she has done nothing wrong and that she is being considered for a recall. These write-ups come out like clockwork immediately the EFCC gives an update on the investigations. From what we have been told, about N50 billion have been recovered and another 50 accounts are being investigated. EFCC also asked for our patience while they conclude the investigations and submit their reports.

Immediately after this report was released, another one came out of Betta being cleared and sources are not very sure if she will get a recall but that it is likely that she may get an appointment as a DG of a parastatal.

We had better not do it. The woman has run into turbulence, she should from there just fly into oblivion. For me, it doesn’t matter if she is cleared or not. It is for this administration to seize this opportunity to send a very strong signal of zero tolerance to any form of abuse of office – that is if they will even have the power to do it.

Please let Betta just go, I beg. Thank you.

Prophet Odumeje: London in Trouble

‘I am the liquid metal, I have powers, I have not released some, I have “abushaker,” I come to London with only six of my powers, the rest are in CBN vaults guarding the dollar so it doesn’t run mad again. I am he, I am the one that will impregnate your mothers, I have come to London, I am Odumeje, I am the Lion, the cat and the mice, I am the Flavour, I wrote Flavour’s songs, come and give me your pounds, I am here.

My favourite pastor has arrived in London, exactly one month before me. It was billed to be the battle of the madmen- The Duke and the Prophet. Me for my play ‘Awo’ and he for only God knows what, then he panicked and rushed there first.

I love this man. I am crazy about him. The confidence with which he spews his bul… and the way he convinces his followers including me remains not only mysterious but amazing.

A comical fixture in our national pastime, at least, he is not claiming to be eating with God in heaven or being shown his house in heaven or even drinking tea in his room with God, all he is just saying is that he has “powers.” Yes o, abi don’t you see the way he used to carry his members on his shoulders and slam them on the floor like American wrestlers, and then jump into an Ikemba dance and the music will gall him to wonderful dance steps.

Prophet is my Lord, and I really hate the fact that I have missed him in London. I once met him at Ikeja Airport and rushed to hug him. He looked me straight in the eye and said “Duke, don’t touch me.” Wow! I was excited and immediately knelt to his feet and said, “Lord bless me with just one power,” and he looked up at me and said, “My son, which power do you want and I said, the power to let me go seven rounds. 

If he was shocked, the Prophet did not show it. He simply said, “My son, oh, there is no such wisdom in the whole of Akwa Ibom and for your humility I will not only give you Abushaker which is the power to go seven rounds but will also give you – tambolosher which is the power to do twelve maidens at the same time and for as long as you want.”

Oh prophet, you are the best and I tell you London is in trouble.

Mudi and Bolanle Austen Peters, Accept My Humble Condolences

These two recently lost their beautiful mothers. While Mudi has finally laid to rest his dear mother, Bolanle is still preparing for the last rites of her sweet mother.

If you read me regularly, you will know that I do not joke with these two and this is why I am sending my heartfelt condolences and do wish them the strength to keep standing tall through this.

God bless you guys.