Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR
Dupe Onitiri-Abiola: What Manner of an Activist
Mbok, which kind of widow is this one again o? It is widows like this that make men postpone their passing for fear that their wives will “scatter” everything. See this one o that I don’t think even understands the notion of democracy, let alone the more complex gambits of keeping Nigeria one, suddenly becoming a “balkaniser.”
She seemed tired of all the “owambes” and the makeups and bleaching creams which has made her a very angry lady. That was how she wore her latest lace, called her housemaid to record a video of her with her phone, and unlike her late husband, made a very unpopular and almost idiotic broadcast to the nation, declaring one Republic that I will not even mention the name here.
She must have watched her late husband very well when he made his own declaration at Epetedo at the height of the June 12 imbroglio and borrowed the template. She not only made a senile broadcast but also sent a motley crew into the Oyo State Government House with uniforms and weapons to seize the place.
How and why they chose Oyo State beats me. Maybe because of the Cocoa House or the many amala joints that they felt if Oyo State was captured, then the whole of the South-west region would automatically fall, and she would automatically become Madam President of the new nation.
Well, she got her house destroyed for her efforts; all her “troops” were captured within five minutes and her rebellion was quelled by Amotekun.
How someone can just wake up and carry wahala and give herself and her family beats me. In this harsh economic climate, you no go relax and focus on how to feed your family, especially as a widow. It is to look for government trouble that is the next thing to do.
I hope that she and her cohorts realise that this is high treason. I really wish them well. Na wa.
Cubana Chief Priest and Too Much Sense
I think the EFCC may have one small wahala on their hands. They scored a major PR coup last week with the conviction of Nigeria’s most popular “mummy,” the wonderful “Bobrisky.” This buoyed them up to move to the next celebrity and they targeted and got the immensely popular celebrity barman, the one they call Cubana Chief Priest.
I sat down in this my Shomolu residence, believing that like the first one, this was an open and shut case. After all, we have seen the videos and the clips of this gentleman at parties doing all of that with the naira with so much “alacrity” as Chief Eleyinmi of the Village Headmaster would say.
Anyway, to my greatest shock, the man, unlike his compatriot, pleaded not guilty and was released on a N10 million bail, which he secured very easily and went home a temporary free man.
Wait, that is not the script. Why did he plead not guilty, I asked myself. Is this young man not playing with fire? Why is he postponing the evil day? Why couldn’t he just agree and pack his load like his brother/sister and just take the six-month vacation and save us all the drama?
Then I saw a clip that explained everything. Unlike his senior colleague who just “accepted” like that, this one’s lawyers really went to school. The lecturer in the clip stated that the prosecution, to secure his conviction would have to prove amongst others that from all the videos submitted, that firstly, he was spraying actual naira notes and not fake currency or dummy currency used as props in movie sets. To do this, they must also show the serial numbers on each of the notes authenticating the fact that it was truly originally issued naira notes lastly, they must also be able to convince the judge that the naira submitted in evidence is the actual naira sprayed at the particular event and by the suspect on trial.
How all of these would be achieved is left for the audience to see. No wonder the young man’s lawyers pleaded not guilty to the charge.
My people, the only thing that has come out of this one is that there are lawyers and there are lawyers. Kai!
Well, there is nothing else that we can do but take our seats, order very fresh pepper soup for a change instead of the usual afang and watch this case very well, because something tells me that this would be another landmark case within the annals of our judicial jurisprudence. Kai, too much sense or “agbari po” as they say it at the famous Onipanu Bus stop.
Air Peace and the ‘Maja’ Syndrome
I have coined a new sickness which I called the “maja” syndrome. The maja syndrome is when you go emotional, off tangent and almost abusive to positions on public issues rendered by superior authorities like myself.
What led to this is a regular occurrence that I experienced on a particular WhatsApp group where an old soldier would always pick on me, while not understanding my positions would run off tangent, drive arguments to the left and generally irritate and annoy as he pontificates with so much authority but with irreverent fallacy and idiocy. In some very bad cases, someone suffering from the “maja” syndrome would get very abusive in a verbally violent manner.
A typical case is my recent write-up on the ongoing price war between our darling Air Peace and the “evil” forces as represented by the foreign airlines who are looking like they are about to start offering us free trips to London, just to drive our favourite “isiagwu” airline out of business.
In a very intellectually sound write-up submitted to Nairametrics which is the business online platform of choice by many stockbrokers, I proffered many suggestions to my brother Mr. Onyeama on how he would “fight” back to mitigate the dastardly effects of the price war.
My suggestions include getting the airline listed on the stock exchange which would open him up to long-term cheap funds, boost his corporate governance and make him an even more enviable Nigerian brand with thousands of Nigerian shareholders. I also pushed for a dual listing which would involve him getting listed on the London Exchange and could draw some benefits to his airline and the rest of my people.
Oya, see person’s response in the comment section: “Duke of Shomolu is a bastard working for Nigeria’s detractors. Onyema will remain a winner, no matter how the pendulum spins. Go f..k yourself, Duke Axxhole.”
See another one: “The writer of this article is an idiot of a journalist…”
My people, you see what we face in this commentary business? The maja syndrome is real. Lol.
Yahaya Bello: A Barricade and an Ododo Moment
Nigeria sha! It is one drama per day, I swear. As we are leaving one, another one is unfolding. Did you guys see news reports on the attempted arrest of the former Kogi State frontman and the very brave rescue carried out by the incumbent on the streets of Abuja?
The EFCC in carrying out its legitimate duty was reported to have sealed off the street in preparation to “pick up” oga. Lessons had been learnt with the Okorocha episodes where they had to go in through the roof. So this time, they decided to be more strategic. So, they watched many Hollywood “SWAT” movies which made them very methodological and strategic. They first sent in their guys in red uniforms. Now red would make them invincible because it would blend with the red soil of Abuja and nobody would see them coming. Then they used all of their cars and trucks and sealed off the road just in time before they launched like US Marines to pick up the target.
It was supposed to be swift so that they could all go back to their offices in time for lunch and a quick game of Ludo or whatever the agents did to recreate.
But they didn’t calculate the emergence of the superhero Ododo. That one was in his house, just emerging from the other room when the distress call came. As part of the handover ceremony, one green phone was handed over to His Excellency. The phone would only ring when there was distress. Kai, the phone rang and instantly, Small Oga knew that Big Oga was in trouble.
Small oga immediately rushed into his closet, pulled out his superhero babaringa and flew straight to the rescue. He drove in the way Superman or was it Batman used to swoop down on a lady in distress to save her from a roaring truck in the nick of time.
Little oga moved in and with the swiftness of lightning, rescued big oga from danger, all to the amazement of the people who fell into songs of praise.
Only in Nigeria, I swear. Only in Nigeria. An allegation of such monumental proportions, one would think that big oga would be eager to be arraigned in court to clear his name and not hide under the skirt of his “boy” to evade arrest.
Well, we are watching. Luckily, I am in Band A so I have constant power, meaning that I will not miss the next episode of this very exciting new drama. Na here we dey. Kai!
Ruth Osime and Laila Matthew-Daniel: Real Passion Killers
My people, I was not in an enviable place last Saturday. I was ensconced between two formidable beauties – the delectable and ever-so-sweet Ruth Osime and the wonderfully exquisitely beautiful Laila Mathew-Daniel on ARISE TV to discuss, of all things, passion killers.
Mbok, I turn right, I see fine woman, I turn left, I see fine woman and they are asking me questions about passion killers in relationships. How I agreed to put myself in such a quagmire to this day, I fail to understand. When Ruth asks me a question, all I can see are luminous eyes and a smile that can give more power than all the DISCOs will give Band D where we dey.
When I try to answer the question, I turn to Laila as I am running away from Ruth. I jam another exquisite beauty with skin like the olives from Mount Galilee and the lips of Queen Nefertiti and I just weak.
I swallow saliva and in a barely audible voice, say, “I am sorry guys, I cannot remember those things that used to kill passion in the bedroom again o, please forgive me I have forgotten o.”
Who will not forget with these two mesmerising beauties sitting very close to you, smiling at you and with the hot lights of the studio and your mind running gaga, mbok, tell me which full-blooded Nigerian man will sit in between Ruth and Laila that will not forget. Mbok, I forget everything o…. no be small.
Bello El-Rufai: Uncouth, Unbridled and Beautifully Unhinged
This is my favourite ex-Governor Nasir El-Rufai’s son, Bello. The young man represents his people in the House of Representatives from where he has been sending missiles at those who are “persecuting very falsely” his father.
The young man was recently reported to have called the Kaduna State House of Assembly to a fight in a post which I later heard he deleted. Now what kind of fight, if I may ask? I sincerely hope that the fight is not of the physically variant one because when one looks at his stature and that of the members of the House, if any kind of physical altercation was sanctioned by boxing authorities, we may have an emergency case at the National Hospital on our hands.
My brother Bello has been at his verbally assaulting best since his father’s travails with the Kaduna State Government began. The government has alleged that his dad took a lot of unapproved loans and also left the state with a huge debt burden, and as such, are expecting an explanation, which if you ask me, is a legitimate although distracting assertion.
But Bello will not let his very brilliant father focus and tackle the issue with all these tweets and yabis and calls for a fight and all that. My humble request to the gentleman is to allow the process to play through joor. I am 100% sure that Mallam can and will defend himself very brilliantly on the matter.
My support remains with Mallam and I am sure that he doesn’t need all of this “noise” to clear his name. So, my brother, is there no cartoon to watch or something? Thank you.
