Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Open Letter to Olayemi Cardoso

My brother, this one is not your fault but I will blame you still. She was 40 years old like I learnt; a petty trader in Bariga who struggled to make ends meet as a single mother, and like we all do, approached a loan app for a bridge loan.

She took N40,000, according to the story, and when she could not pay back, they hounded her to her death. She was said to have committed suicide when the verbal abuse was too much for her. They sent broadcasts to all her contacts, called her a fraudster, and threatened to release her BVN and her picture. The abuse, as I heard, was daily and horrendous, and when she could not stand it again, she killed herself.

A play has been written in her honour by the Bariga artists, and is being showcased in the community as a sad epiphany to her. All she did was just owe a faceless and evil app.

Then last week, I got a terse voice note. This time, the lady was owing N70,000 and was on the verge of taking her life. She had been verbally abused, and her contacts all received SMS on how she was a big thief and all of that. Her BVN was released to the public and was on the verge of throwing up her obituary when she sent the voice note in tears and asked if it was not better to just end it all.

I called them and got the abuse of my life. The apps have hired thugs online o. This boy abused me so much that the fact that I was even calling to get the account number to pay off did not assuage his anger. Mbok, since when has owing money been equated to a capital crime o?

Mr. CBN Governor, due to the harsh economic realities, vulnerable Nigerians are resorting to these evil loan apps and they take serious advantage with their devilish rates, horrendous repayment terms and much more importantly, wicked recovery tactics which have led to trauma, heartache and in this case, suicide.

This is much more than issuing statements warning them. Very concrete measures must be taken to protect Nigerians from these people. Yes, they are in business, but this business has been designed from the onset not to allow for credible engagement. They are evil and they will continue to compound the problems of the already harried Nigerians who in trying to run away from the harsh economic realities of their lives now run into the hands of these devils.

Help sir.  

Yahaya Bello: Taming of the White Lion

This one is not white lion again o. This one na Kogi kitten. Shame is even catching me for this person who roared and roared as the Executive Governor of Kogi State. See common Bobrisky entered the cell, and ended up in prison.  I hear that he has even donated chairs to the prison community. You, with all your gra gra gra, complete with video in the gym in military fatigue now end up in – I want to go to court but I am afraid of arrest.

Mbok, what is in arrest? EFCC has arrested me before na. It is not as if they will arrest you with police style. If police arrest you ehn, that one is with another style o as the kick and head butt they will be giving you ehn, you sef you know that you have entered it. The body odour of the police sef inside the “janglover” will be enough to send you to Golgotha.

Is it this EFCC that will be wearing an “okrika” suit and red “overall” like chef for Eko Hotel, and dark glasses and will be speaking English that you are afraid of? My brother, you are letting me shame for you. Will they even put you in a cell? That their detention centre is not detention sef. They have light, DStv, chess and even Chicken Republic if na Ikoyi dem carry you go, and when you enter na bankers, yahoo yahoo and other soft criminals you will see, unlike police stations where you will be sharing a cell with “Anikura” who will shave your pubic hair. Go and ask Seun Kuti what his eyes saw in the place.

Mbok, you are embarrassing me o. Me that I used to respect you. You are shaking like this. Abi can you not be like Fayose who went there boldly and even wore a T-shirt saying – I am here. That is Amala eating Fayose o, not to talk of you who fought Dino to a standstill. Abi, is it not you who dug a crater around that beautiful senator’s village?

My brother, abeg stop hiding behind Ododo’s wife’s wrapper and just go and answer question. After all, is it not a bailable offence, did you plan a coup?

Can you just stop this cowardly act and spare us all of this drama? Better go and report yourself otherwise, if I come to that place you are hiding, you will not find it funny o.

Uju Kennedy-Ohanenye: Let’s Get Serious

Madam, can we please take our job a little bit more seriously, abeg? A federal minister rushing to a secondary school to go and settle “fight?” Please, how this one necessitates your personal intervention beats my imagination o. It’s like you have not read your job description, otherwise something that the superintendent of the local council in that area can handle, you will now be rushing to the place to be gaping at the children and their little boyfriends’ squabbles.

I watched the video as you stood there with parents all screaming and shouting and verbally abusing each other. I just said to myself, mbok, see minister o. Na wa o. Even that one that just graduated from Law school wore full legal uniform, and issued a threat letter, giving the school 48 hours to deal decisively with the bully or else…

Or else what? Mbok, let me ask. We just like to escalate things and be “catching cruise”. So, a child was bullied in school and the school authorities cannot be left to deal with it along already set structural procedures? Was there a mass riot in the school? Was there a mass shooting or wetin sef?

Something that even the two girls will still settle over “Tiktok” and ice cream, the minister is running there like we are facing a constitutional crisis. Mbok, President Tinubu, is this how your ministers are expected to flow? If they are not attempting to sue the United Nations, they are going to settle catfights amongst little girls who are fighting over one stupid boy who has even moved on to the next girl.

Bullying is evil and must be stamped out but for me, the issue of self-defence is more important to me. When I was in secondary school, if you bullied me you sef go hear am. As you are bullying me, I will be bullying you back and will wait for you to sleep and then I will pour water over you and your bed and wait to collect more beating.

It is about building character; it’s about boldness and courage. Students have their own culture and civilisation we will never understand. So the best thing to do is to institute what I call “regulated bullying” or fagging as we used to call it in Command Secondary School.

We must understand the code of silence, that girl that was slapped is finished socially in that school, even if she changes school. So, the emphasis should be on self-defence. Karate, judo, and boxing are at the physical end of the spectrum and then literary and debating, negotiations, engagements at the other end, and just maybe the way to begin to witness a reduction.

 So, all of this is not a matter for the minister or JJC lawyer, the school authorities and the local education authorities can handle this abeg.

Please, if anybody beats my son Alvin in his school, I don’t want to see any minister there o. She should mind her business and stop wasting taxpayers’ money in such a very funny manner

Ademola Adeleke: A Tale of Two First Ladies

As a junior member of the polygamous club, my attention was drawn to this little drama that was playing out in Osun State. Our senior member was having issues with his two wives as they both were grandstanding as to who is the original First Lady of the state in the wake of the visit of the original “numero uno” First Lady of the country – Senator Remi Tinubu.

Posters from the two camps were flying everywhere and the state, nay the country, was thrown into a frenzied excitement, watching and waiting to see how this would be resolved.

I was asked for advice as a well-experienced member of the club- you know at some point we were dealing with three. My advice was very clear. Faced with a similar situation although I was not receiving any first lady but was at the burial of my dear father, I was advised by my late great father-in-law, the gentleman war photographer David Olude.

My father’s wakekeep had turned into a battleground. A war of “aso ebis” had ensued with each faction donning some very colourful aso ebi. My mother sat there enjoying the spectacle. She had been bribed variously by both camps and you know my mother was corrupt when it comes to things like this. She collected from both sides and as such lost any moral authority to talk. So she just sat down and enjoyed the spectacle.

I had refused to come out and my boys were begging me to come since I was the firstborn and nothing can happen without me. I had bribed the third one not to come. She had just given birth. The second one was very fiery and the first was heavy with my last child and everybody forgot about my poor dad’s body and was concentrating on the unfolding drama.

I called Pa Olude, one of the most handsome debonair men of his time. He too was a strong member of the club with three wives and he said, “Boge” – he called me boge – “don’t fret, don’t you have another girlfriend? Call her and appear with her. The warring factions will look stupid and keep quiet. Sit down with your girlfriend and cross leg and bury your papa. But when you finish, no go to any of them house o and no chop them food again because I cannot guarantee that you will see your papa’s 40 days party.”

So, I took his advice and appeared with the delectable sweetie – no names mentioned for her safety. She is a grandmother now – the silence that greeted the event was palpable. Everybody kept quiet and we walked to the front seat. I sat beside her and held her hands as she dabbed my eyes with a white handkerchief as the pastor did the homily for my Papa.

Sadly, I did not take Pa Olude’s last advice of not going home as I went home to the elegant Duchess who gave me the beating of my life. My people, dem beat me that day o and at that time, domestic violence was not an issue so I took my beating like a man after which I took my bath, and sleep for parlour for four years.

So, His Excellency coming out to proclaim one of the wives as bonafide First Lady is only postponing the evil day. Wait until his tenure ends and his immunity is lifted, na me go buy the koboko for them. Thank you.

The HOW of Herbert Wigwe’s Matter

You know, it is not how long but how well. Everything has been said by everybody about Herbert Wigwe, the late super influential banker who touched lives in such a way that his passing remains super unbearable.

During the week, I went for a meeting at his Foundation, the superbly established HOW Foundation somewhere on Victoria Island. I met with the very beautiful Yvonne Victor-Olomu, the programme officer and COO who took me through the legacy vision of Herbert.

However, in establishing the Foundation, Herbert looked at three main thrusts – youth engagement, health and education. It is as a result of the need to encapsulate all three that the Wigwe University which is beating all known early parameters in global tertiary education was formed.

I was well excited to realise that the vision was still running despite his absence. It is to his eternal glory that he has set up structures that would run without him and totally depersonalised because if he hadn’t, then society would have been deprived of his very brilliant ideas and eternal need to impact.

As Yvonne spoke, I looked at her team and my surroundings and could sense the seeming automated visage of the vision as work was still ongoing and at almost the same pace as when he was around. I was sweetly impressed as I watched them hurtle towards achieving the very clear and precise goals of their founder.

As I walked into the Victoria Island sun, I smiled and said to myself once again – Herbert was not of this world, I swear. Chai!

Uto Ukpanah Brought Home the Honour

It is with immense pride and joy that I want to very proudly announce that my sister, the legendary beauty with an immense brain, has just won the very coveted award of the Global Corporate Secretary of the Year.

The award that was seriously fought for by contenders in four continents was easily won by my big sister who is the Company Secretary of the giant MTN Nigeria. You will notice that I am writing with effusiveness because I have not only eaten afang in her country home in Akwa Ibom State but also believe very strongly that she more than deserves this award.

She remains one of the most brilliantly intelligent professionals operating in the landscape globally. Let me even tell you that she has carried along with so much corporate transparency and clarity that this award was an easy breeze for her, I tell you.

Let me use this opportunity to thank God for blessing Nigeria with such a wondrous brain. Well done “adiaghaeka,” this is just the beginning.