Loud Whispers With JOSEPH EDGAR

Dear Nigerians, We are Poor

I don’t know what entered my head o. My friend was talking to me about setting up a small business and the next thing she said:  “When the idea came to me 10 years ago, I looked at my social status and felt it was beneath me. Today, I am doing it with far more money, with no real social status anymore.”

Then the thought hit me- we have just created the largest grouping of urban poor anywhere in the world since the end of the Second World War.

My people, today in Nigeria what we have are three categories – ultra-rich, poor and peasants. Ultra-rich are those who have access to the centralised resources, either by appointments, biological relationships or third-party access.  The poor are what used to be the former middle class. Those who can no longer buy a brand new car, in fact, can no longer buy a tokunbo car, or buy a plane ticket to Abuja but can still buy a carton of Indomie after some slight savings. Then the last batch is the peasants, these are the normal poor people who have been pushed further. They now rely on the earth, dustbins and handouts to survive.

This is where President Jonathan, Buhari and our current emperor have led us to, a country where the middle class has been totally decimated. A journey that started with our bowler hat-wearing oga and continued with the most annoyingly detached president ever and ended with a slam dunk by our present oga whose main understanding of governance has moved from “agbado” to tax and levies.

Me, I am not fooling myself; I am firmly in the “poor” category. I came to that realisation the day I was charged N106,000 in a restaurant in Lekki for six pieces of Chicken. I looked at the bill, looked at the waitress and brought out my card and paid and when the balance in my account came out – N1,230, it dawned on me that I am now a member of the urban poor class.

Oya, you test yourself, go to that restaurant in Lekki – call me and I will give you their address- buy chicken wings and pay the N106,000 and then check your balance, it will tell you very clearly where you stand, either as ultra-rich, poor or peasant. I kinda suspect say na peasant a lot of you will be as the POS will say unavailable funds. Lol!

For Sim Fubara, the Die is Cast

My Oga’s confidence level these days must be studied. Bro has moved from squeamish and almost fearful to very bold, almost an Idi Amin kind of boldness. The other day, I saw a clip where he was calling some people house rats and that he has bought the ‘otapiapia” that he will use to extinguish them. He ended that same pitch with the saying that “the jungle has matured.”

The wahala in Rivers is becoming exciting and me, I like this kind of fight. Yes, it is now looking like two worthy opponents are at it unlike in the past when the oga in Abuja would just be knocking this one’s gorimapa and be dancing “kunkunu” dance while at it.

Now the salvo has changed as we have started seeing a long list of property reportedly illegally acquired by King Pharaoh of Ikwerre land. An investigation has been thrown up and a resolve to fight to the end has been declared by the former godson.

Me, I am with Sim on this one and every right-thinking lover of democracy should be with him on this one. To show my resolve to stand by him, I have written about him twice in two weeks as my own contribution to the fight.

As I no get juju and do not love violence, I will join in the only way possible that I know how and which is my mouth. I will abuse Wike to high heavens, talk about the craw craw in his buttocks, sing about his big head and croaky voice until he learns how to respect the will of the people and carry his wahala self back to his village.

Mbok I tire for this kind tyranny. Na wa.

Godwin Obaseki vs Oba of Benin: The King Shall Reign Forever

During the week, we saw rumpus coming from Benin City. You know me I used to fear those people, so I will be very careful with the way I choose my words. Some reports had said that the governor, Mr. Obaseki had taken the highly revered Oba to court and as such was desecrating the ancient stool of the Benin Kingdom. Other reports refuted that and stated the contrary, that it was some chiefs who took the Oba and the state government to court.

This however threw up a hot debate as to the superiority or otherwise of the state governor over the traditional stool. You see, this would have been of no consequence to me if it did not involve the great Oba of Benin.

See very unlike the ‘kobo kobo’ traditional rulers that abound everywhere, the Oba of Benin has in his comportment and carriage preserved the very high respect of the stool that he sits. He remains highly revered, the institution he represents retaining its allure and dignity globally simply because they have preserved the very distinct traditions of their ancestry.

 This is why the debate on the superiority of public service over the Oba is even taken seriously by people like me.

Let me tell you guys something, I have seen a traditional ruler queue for food at Owambe, I have seen some stand on the road waiting for Uber, I have heard and seen others hawking chieftaincy titles and offering – buy one get two free. So, if this argument was between the governor and those ones, it wouldn’t even be a discussion, I will just send the councillor of his local government to give him a query.

But this is the Oba of Benin, the only one after maybe the Olu of Warri and the Obi of Onitsha and the Sultan of Sokoto and a few others who continue to protect the integrity of their stool.

This is the Oba of Benin whose words are stronger than law, this is the Oba of Benin who made my head swell when I entered his palace grounds, this is the almighty Oba of Benin ooo.

Mbok, we must continue to give him his maximum respect and the truth is I really do not care what the constitution says, this traditional ruler oooo is far above any law made by man and this is coming from a democrat.

Bishop Kukah as My Hero of All Times

Nothing really beats the taste of well-made afang, but listening to this highly revered Bishop speak almost beats it. His oratorical skill used to sha mess me up and if I was a woman, he would by now have forgotten his vow of celibacy, I tell you.

This man has been very consistent with his positions, his love for Nigeria and the depth and clarity with which he espouses this love. He remains a bold and true son of this country. Patriotism is in his veins and doesn’t stop short of saying it as it is, no matter whose ox is gored.

From the military era straight through the present cacophony that we call this presidency, the reverend father continues to push truth, fair play and justice using well-spoken diction, powerful engagement and sweet prose as main vehicles of delivery.

When I was younger, I would rush to the TV to listen to him speak on NTA and they used to like to invite him.

The man can yarn, his speeches are laced with the sweet velvety flow of an accomplished bard. He will just be mesmerising and romancing you with the words. His pacing, deliberate delivery and the smoothness of his voice make him one of the most gifted speakers ever.

All we have to do at this point is to thank God that he has taken the vow of celibacy otherwise, our wives would not be safe around him, with that kind sweet mouth.

Father, let’s do afang one of these days. I need a one-on-one with you, so I can swoon. Kai.

Seyi Tinubu: Run for Cover

During riots like the June 12 one, stray bullets used to fly and that is what happened to my aburo Seyi Tinubu, the most influential son of a President worldwide.

That was how his father’s administration woke up one morning and decided to commission the huge Lagos-Calabar road in record time. From visioning to commencement took a record time that the Guinness Book of World Records would be very glad to have on its books.

I heard people were given seven days to move whole hotels, pack it, fold it and put it in their portmanteaus and move away so that the road could be quickly built before the rapture comes.

Well, our Dubai resident in his own admonition went at the great Seyi Tinubu. We did not even know that the great Seyi was on the board of the company awarded the contract until our oga came all the way from Dubai to tell us.

Well, in his long published epistle, he admonished the fact that the son was on board of a company that has just been awarded one of the biggest ever contracts since the scramble and partition of Africa by father.

Unlike Atiku, me I did not see any conflict of interest there o. Wait, let me explain. It’s not like Seyi will even understand the things that they will be saying at board meetings, or that he will even know the difference between coal tar and mud and in that sense, there will be no conflict because he will just be at the meetings playing that game on the phone that has captured every young person including my Chantal.

For me, Atiku is playing agbaya games, pulling Seyi into this matter. If he has anything against the father he should face him and leave the son even if he is the one that is serving tea at the board meetings of that company or doing internship.

The most important thing for us right now is to launch a panel of inquiry to look into the reason why Atiku prefers Dubai to his Boko Haram ravaged North-east as a retirement home and leave Seyi to join any board he wants to join, After all, na him time.

Seyi, mbok don’t mind all these ancestors, just ignore them. Let me recommend more boards for you to join – Pension as we are looking at their trillions for infrastructure; Zenith Bank, did you hear the profits they just declared? MTN so that you can assist me in using your powers there to hack Duchess’s phone, the way she is bursting my password, I don’t understand again.

Seyi is the man of the moment. Let him be mbok. Thank you.

Bolanle Austen Peters – Well Done on FRK

Talking of disruptors. Bolanle Austen-Peters is a disruptor-in-chief. She has scattered Nigerian theatre, earning her the sobriquet of Mother of Modern Day Nigerian Theatre and is now scattering the movie industry with her wave-making award-winning movies. Her latest, Funmilayo Ransome-Kuti (FRK), which is a depiction of mummy Fela, and which I have not watched, did so well at the last AMVCA and has now signposted her as one of the very important cultural icons.

She is one lady who has done it her way and when I say she is the single most important personality in modern-day culture, some people will be cursing me. I wonder how people who have not sold one ticket, put up a production in their background or even understand the stress the producer goes through to put up this work of magic will now just sit down on their armchairs with their testicles hanging out and in drunken stupor arrogate to themselves the authority to attempt to hack down the hard work of people of pedigree like Bolanle.

I know about life too much to join that leprose army and this is why I proclaim Bolanle daily for what she is doing in that space. Her energy, creativity, hard work and visionary disposition recreated a dying space and are now energising a prolific format, making her in my books one of the most important cultural figures of the 20th century up there with Hubert Ogunde and Wole Soyinka- yes, I have said it. Come and beat me.

Portable: Wait for Me

Did you guys see that video where this person scampered over a gate to escape from the police over a debt? Did you also see how he was carried like some common criminal by policemen in an attempt to engage him over a reported debt?

Well, I am busy this week and really do not have his time. Next week, I will settle down and talk about him very well. So, guys, let’s pray for life, next week.